I have a boyfriend and we have been seeing each other over 2 years. In
our sexual relations he is mostly interested in anal preformed on me
or me preforming it on him. It started out slow and has lead up to him
buying a strap on sex toy which I wear and penetrate him with as a man
would a woman in anal sex. He doesnt seem interested in touching my
breast and seems not even to be there emotionally during vaginal
intercourse or foreplay thats other than anal or masterbation. I have
tried to keep telling myself that its me, that I'm just being
inhibited. I feel
very much less than a woman during our sexual intercourse. My gut
feelings is he is bisexual or even gay but he can not be honest about
it.
Can you help me please. This is effecting the way I feel about myself
and him. Is he gay or bisexual?

Dear Stealthy:

The important thing here is really not your boyfriend's true
preference but the way you feel about yourself when you are sexually
active with him.  In sharing sexual activity with someone, a person is
emotionally vulnerable because intimacy is a very personal gift from
one individual to another.

There *are* straight men who prefer "backdoor stimulation" and they
can be 100% straight in their preference to be with a woman.  The
reason for the excitement stems from stimulation of the male prostate
gland which is located just inside the male anus.  It's sometimes
referred to as the male G-spot.  "Go Ask Alice" has an enlightening
answer regarding this at http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1490.html.

Other links where you may read about this are located at:

The "Male G-Spot"
Understanding the Prostate Gland
http://www.mypleasure.com/education/sexed/understanding_the_prostate.asp

What is the prostate gland and what's it for?
http://www.sfsi.org/answers/prostate.html

The Prostate and Pleasure
http://www.sexhealth.org/sextip/13,sextip.shtml


However, even if he is straight, you seem to be uncomfortable with his
continued preference for this type of sexual activity and I believe
your sensual needs should also be met.  When love for another person
is involved, it's sometimes difficult to converse about sexual
activity and the way it makes a person feel.  You should be able to
know you are desirable in all ways, not just when you employ a sexual
toy.

I do not believe you are inhibited, you simply do not prefer his
insistence that sex always be all about anal stimulation.  There is
nothing wrong with your unease and there is nothing wrong with his
preference - but you do need a balance and it appears only his needs
are being met.  Your needs are equally important.

It is central to any woman's (or man's) self-image that they feel
attractive in all ways when opening themselves to sexual intimacy.  It
may be akward at first, but I suggest you initiate a conversation
about this with him and explain to him what you have stated here. 
Tell him his preference is making you suspect that perhaps he wants
another man instead of you - tell him of your love/caring for him and
ask that he see you as a delectable partner *without* any sexual toys.

Relate to him that you feel like a performer instead of a partner and
this makes you question his true interest in you, and it is causing
you to question his true sexual preference.  Yes, it will be a risk
because you may not receive the answer you are seeking but you deserve
to feel empowered in your sensual image of yourself.  Currently, that
does not seem to be the case.

When you speak to him about this, speak from your heart and
communicate to him wihout blaming him for anything.  If your intent is
clear in this, he will hear your concern and examine his behavior *if*
he is an honorable man.  If he chooses to toss it off or if he tells
you "well, that's what gets me off" then it may be that you will
choose to toss him off and find a lover who cares for you because of
who you are and not because you have to strap on a toy to get a rise
out of him.

This is a delicate situation for you, I know, but I believe you have
the right to pursue *your* happiness just as he has the right to
pursue his.  In a relationship, there must be balance and your
situation seems off kilter and skewed in his favor.  Your sexual
activity with him should not be totally focused on his prostate.

In my life, I have oftentimes made the mistake of ignoring my gut
instinct and, every time, my gut instinct proved to be right.  So, if
you are feeling a gut reaction, you should explore it thoroughly.  The
only way to know for certain if your boyfriend is bisexual or gay is
to encourage him to have conversation with you on the matter.  The
sexual activity you describe certainly sounds suspect for that
conclusion.  Also, the health-related risks for you, if he is
bisexual, could be *deadly* so it is paramount that you know his true
intent and feeling for you.


Should you require clarification of any of the links or information I
have provided, please request it and I will be happy to respond.  I'll
also be happy to continue dialogue here with you so feel free to use
the Clarification feature for this.  I'm also going to request
comments from my fellow Researchers because I believe you should have
other supportive views in this matter.


SEARCH STRATEGY:

anal stimulation men
prostate stimulation sex

I want to thank you very much with your quick and sincere answers. It
helped me alot to have someone give me a logical and researched
factual answer. There was alot I left out of my question, but your
answer has helped me make a decision that I can not live this way, and
its not my problem if I don't continue to participate in things that
effect me negativly. I wish I could tip you more. Your answer to my
question was greatly appreciated.

Hi Stealthy,

As Journalist stated, "the only way to know for certain if your
boyfriend is bisexual or gay is to encourage him to have conversation
with you on the matter."  I couldn't agree more.  Open up the lines of
communication.

A relationship is based on 2 people giving 100%.  Good Luck to you!

tlspiegel
Google Answers Researcher

Hello Stealthy,

What is important is that two people in a relationship know what is
good to each other, know what they are prepared to give, know what the
other is prepared to give, and are happy to respect each other's
desires and boundaries. In such a situation, whatever labels you pin
onto your own or your partner's sexuality are irrelevant.

The important thing here is that you are not happy with the situation
as it stands. I echo the comments that you should talk with your
boyfriend in order to find out what he is seeking and also in order to
tell him about your needs, your frustrations and your fears.  If you
can get that dialogue going with your partner, you will be truly
blessed in your relationship.

The answer and comments here are great, and really are spot on.

To address the physical however, I mentioned this to a male friend who
has had sex with both women and men. He says the different things he
has 'done' with each sex make hardly any difference to the overall
quality of the experience, compared with what he feels for the person
he does it with.

Dear Stealthy:

Thank you for your rating, comments and your added generosity!  I am
pleased that you find my answer of assistance and support.  You should
also be proud that you asked the question - it took courage and it
shows that you want to pursue a positive course and take charge of
your happiness.  That's always wonderful to witness!  :)