We recently discovered that our daughter did not receive a gift from a
couple who attended her wedding. Because this oversight is so
uncharacteristic of the couple involved, we believe that either: (a)
the couple genuinely forget to sent the gift, (b) a gift was sent, but
was lost in delivery, or (c) most probably, the couple assumed a gift
was sent, as might have happened if the wife thought the husband had
taken responsibility for sending a gift and vice versa. Neither we nor
our daughter are concerned about the absence of a gift. We are
concerned that if the couple at some point realizes their mistake,
they will be embarrassed or, if they assume a gift was sent, may think
our daughter has been negligent in not sending them a thank you note. 
What is the diplomatic way to determine the facts?

I'd like to offer a comment, which is just a personal opinion on how I
would handle the situation.

A fourth possibility is that they ordered a gift (perhaps online) and
the company never sent it (or sent it very late).  It may have been a
product that was discontinued, out of stock or backordered.  If this
was the case, it is reasonable to assume the company should have
communicated that them, but I wouldn't rule that out as a possibility.

A fifth (and probably very remote) possibility it that during the
reception it was either lost or stolen.  If you kept some sort of log
of people checking into the reception and were marking who attended
with a gift in hand, you may want to check those logs.

Perhaps the best way to handle it is to simply call them and ask.  I
would say something like "I find myself in a 'very' awkward position
for having to ask you this, but I feel it would jeopardize our
friendship if I said nothing (you are assuming they had believed they
sent you the gift and there was no 'thank you.'). [then just proceed
and explain the situation.  If they are your friends, they will
understand]"

I think they will appreciate it was a difficult and awkward phone call
to make and that it demonstrates that you value their friendship.

When you say it would have been uncharacteristic of them not to send
the gift, I assume that you know them fairly well and have a past
history on which you made that judgement.  Given that, there is a
'high probability' they either sent or intended to send a gift.  In my
opinion, about the worst thing you can do is to say nothing.

Good luck.

The same situation happened to my sister. She sent a thank you note
anyway, thanking the couple for being at the wedding and telling them
how happy she was that they could be there to share her special day.
No mention of a gift was made. The couple then called and asked
whether the gift had been received, and the situation was remedied.

I would suggest your daughter doing the same thing - writing a note
thanking them (sincerely) for their presence rather than their
presents.

alex_p

I realize this is not an actual authority on etiquette, but I often
watch "Curb your Enthusiasm" and they deal with a lot of social
conundrums such as this.  In it (and I have heard this before) they
had an episode dealing with the one year rule, which is that it is
acceptable to send a gift up to one year after the wedding.  Is it
possible that they are still picking out a gift?  I do not know where
this rule came from, and I personally think that anyone who comes to
the wedding should give a gift then or never, but if an entire episode
of a show was devoted to this, it must have some basis somewhere...

Good Morning!

Well, I've done some  research for you!

According to Emily Post, idealy the wedding gift (which is technically
for  the bride) is sent before the wedding to the return address on
the wedding invitations. If the gift is sent after the wedding it is
to be sent to the couple's new adress, or to the couple in care of
either set of parents.
There seems to be a common misconception that wedding guests have
until the couple's first anniversary to send  a gift. This is not the
case.

That said, a wedding gift is nt required of guests who cannot attend
due to geographic  distance, especially in combination with a
"Christmas card exchange" sort of relationship.

You did mention these are people from whom you would expect a gift.  
perhaps they are not financially in a position to give the type of
gift they think they "should" give. In fact, to give a gift I can't
afford is in bad taste.

And a nother consideration;  Is this  a second marriage, or is this 
acouple who alreday "has everything"?  Second marriages and/or
couple's with established homes and contents, etc. are more difficult
to give gifts to. Traditional w3edding mementos like engraved cake
servers and silver punch bowls are out of place. For couples who have
everything theater or ballet tickets, or a gift certificate to a fine
restaurant would do as a wonderful gift.

I reccommend forgetting about the gift and send them a thank you for
their attendance, friendship and support at such an important time in
the couple's lives.  Be gracious rather than "greedy", so to speak. I
can't see any other way that you could approach this without possibly
making the non-gifters feel as if they hadn't made the proper
"payment", ie: delivered a gift, in order to attend the wedding or be
your friends.

Good Luck! ... and Congratulations!