grumpus-ga
rated this answer:
Sorry journalist but your suggestions are not the way to go. I've been
to many more sites than you've suggested and I've even seen letters of
complaints written to corporations. There are a couple of so called
humorous books letters to coporations. What I'm looking for is not
people who have complaints, but people who have a record of a back and
forth dialogue, argument - whatever, that tells a story worth reading
and my experience has been that web sites and news groups aren't going
to produce what I'm looking for. As to the idea of setting up my own
web site and waiting for potential contributors to trickle in - again,
I have close associates and relatives with web sites and to get
visitors, let alone the right kind of visitors, is akin to pulling
teeth wiothout an anasthetic. I'm in my seventies and by the time I
found enough contributions in this fashion, my descendants would be
ghost writing the book. Just for the heck of it - if Google allows -
here's a reasonably short and not too serious piece that will probably
be in the book. Unfortunately, this doesn't pick up graphics or
layout and may be difficult to read in this narrow space but if you
can read it, it's the sort of back and forth stuff - serious or
humorous, that I'm looking for.
FUN AND GAMES WITH THE LITERARY GUILD
November 1988 to May 1989
RANDOM HOUSE INC/DOUBLEDAY
Beware the Literary Guild my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!
If Lewis Carroll hadn’t died in 1898, the second verse of his famed
Jabberwocky poem might well have been written this way. In fact, he
might have called it LITERGUILDAWOCKY. In 1988, my wife was a member
of the Literary Guild and in 1989 we were locked in the jaws that
bite, the claws that catch, and it took some literary battling to get
free.
Here’s what happened. I don’t know how it is today, but in those days,
apart from offering book selections, the Literary Guild also had
occasional "special merchandise" offers with prices that sometimes
looked attractive. We responded to one such offer for a five piece
luggage set priced at $59.86, payable in three installments, which we
thought was one heck of a deal. Until it arrived that is and we could
see the reason for the price. $59.86 was all that it was worth - maybe
not even that. It was no kind of luggage that we would ever consider
using and we shipped it back immediately, saying no thanks. We got
what we presumed to be an acknowledgment of the returned merchandise -
a post card which read as follows:
Dear Mrs. Smith:
Thank you for your inquiry.
You will be glad to know that we have taken care of your request.
Please allow time for any necessary actions to be applied to your
account.
Your patience and the opportunity to be of service are appreciated.
Sincerely,
Jennifer McHugh
I’m not sure why an item of returned merchandise would be referred to
as an "inquiry" but we figured that this was just their own internal
language. Behemoths often have ways of referring to things in a
different language from the members of the great unwashed.. But then
bills began to arrive. Even though we figured that they were the
result of an internal mix up that might right itself without any
assistance on our part, after a while, we thought we had better
respond - just in case. We had dealt with Behemoths in the past.
(undated)
Dear Literary Guild;
This is getting silly.
The merchandise represented by "past due" installments was inferior
and was returned to you within a day or so of receipt. We assume that
your acknowledgment of "your inquiry" (copy enclosed) was in response
to this return, though how a company with "literary" in its name can
equate "inquiry" with a return is beyond me.
"Debbie-My Life" was paid for 12/27/88. I can’t help it if you take
forever to deposit a check.
"Of Tears and Triumphs," written by my old friends, Bud and Georgia
Photopolos, was paid January 9, 1989.
Please get your act together and stop sending us these silly notices
or you’ll lose a subscriber. As it is, many of your prices are easily
beaten at discount chains, so it wouldn’t take much for us to tell you
goodbye.
The Smiths
P.S. A class act would list an 800 number to call!!!
In a rational world, you would think that our letter would elicit a
polite response and an apology. Instead, it stirred the wrath of the
Behemoth and brought the following;
February 1, 1989
Dear Mr. Smith:
As of the above date, your account shows a past due balance.
Please review the statement below. Should you have any questions about
this bill, we would like to hear from you. You may write to the above
address or call our Customer Service Center at 516-294-4000 between
7.30 a.m. and 9.00 p.m. Eastern time.
If the statement is accurate, we will expect to receive your payment
within 10 days. Otherwise, a late fee of $2.00 will be charged to your
account. Please remember that our policy requires payment upon receipt
of your order.
If you recently mailed your payment, thank you. We value your
membership.
Respectfully,
Ruth Shaw
Membership Secretary
And at the bottom of the letter was listed two books that we had
bought and two "past due" installments for the inferior luggage that
we had returned. Don’t you just love the way they write these kinds of
letters? "You lousy, dead beat bum. Pay up or we’ll come to your house
and kidnap your first born. But if you’ve already paid, thanks a heap.
We really think you’re great."
Well, we didn’t like being called lousy deadbeats and we responded to
Ms. Shaw as follows;
February 14, 1989
Ruth Shaw
Membership Secretary
The Literary Guild
501 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530 Re A/C #55 121 513570
Dear Ms. Shaw:
Read this very carefully.
The above listed account, in the name of Mrs. Sharon Smith is hereby
canceled. Any future mail from your organization will be thrown away
unopened.
The reason for our cancellation is explained by the enclosed.
We no longer wish to be irritated by your internal inefficiencies.
Cordially.
Jeff
Smith
Do you think that put an end to this mess? Huh!! Instead, the Literary
Guild took a leaf from MY literary book and sent the following.
IMPORTANT: READ CAREFULLY
February 28. 1989
Dear Mrs. Smith:
We have not received a response to our first letter concerning your
past due balance. Consequently, a $2.00 late fee charge has
been added to your bill.
Should you have any questions regarding your bill, please contact us
at the above address or call our Customer Service Center at
516-294-4000 between 7.30 a.m. and 9.00 p.m. Eastern Time.
If your payment was recently sent, please disregard this notice.
Otherwise, mail your payment today.
Respectfully,
Paul Hagen
Credit Manager
Note that apart from stealing MY line about reading carefully, Mr.
Hagen did NOT say that he valued my membership, even though he seemed
to be respectful with his signature. I concluded that responding to
his letter would most likely produce the same result as previous
attempts of clarification - more letters from different departments of
the Literary Guild, probably with increasing harshness of tone. I
decided it was time to refer the issue to a higher authority and after
a few inquiring phone calls, got the name of the PRESIDENT of the
whole ball of Literary Guild wax and penned the following:
March 7, 1989
James R. McLaughlin.
Doubleday & Company
501 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530
Dear Mr. McLaughlin; Re: a.c # 55 121 513570
I have been given to understand that you are of the humanoid
persuasion, in contrast to the malfunctioning computers that are
running the Book-of-the-Month division of your company.
As you can see from the enclosed, some of these malfunctioning
machines have adopted human names - Jennifer McHugh, Ruth Shaw and
Paul Hagen to name just three - and have conspired to use the mails to
exceedingly annoy, a crime punishable in most states by permanent
unplugging.
It has now cost me at least a couple of bucks to return the "special
order" merchandise - 75 cents to send you three letters, the cost of
a phone call to Garden City to get your name - and far too much of my
valuable time, all because your computers have loose chips. And now
there’s a hint that a record is being created that will be damaging to
our credit history.
Please have some human attend to this. I’m not even amused at the
Hagen computer’s attempt at humor, acknowledging that I have canceled
the account while compounding the reason for the cancellation. Indeed,
I am getting angry and as Bill Bixby used to say before he changed
into a green monster, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Cordially - at least for now
Jeff Smith
That did it - right? I’ll get a personal call from Mr. McLaughlin , a
heartfelt apology and a package of six free books in the very next
mail. In your dreams, unwashed reader. We’re talking serious BEHEMOTH
here…….
SERIOUSLY PAST DUE
March 30, 1989
Dear Mrs. Smith:
This is our third letter to you concerning your long overdue account.
We have tried to extend every courtesy and consideration to you to
help you settle this debt.
We must continue to assume that this debt is accurate and ask for your
immediate payment. If we do not receive your payment, stronger action
will be taken which will affect your credit rating with a national
credit reporting agency.
If payment has recently been sent, thank you. Otherwise, send it
today!
Respectfully,
Paul Hagen
Credit Manager
I figured O.K. Every time I write a letter to the Literary Guild
trying to straighten things out, it gets worse. It’s like I say I
enjoy listening to the baseball scores. They say green bananas are
better at this time of the year. That’s about the way it was. Trying
to be LOGICAL with the Literary Guild was like passing through the
looking glass. I was Alice, Paul Hagen was the Jubjub Bird and James
McLaughlin was the Frumious Bandersnatch. There was only one thing
left to do so I did it. I did nothing!! And sure enough, a whole
month passed and not a word. My new found strategy seemed to be
working.
But then……
CREDIT INDEX
THE NATIONAL COMPUTER CREDIT FILE
Sharon Smith
May 1, 1989
XXXXX
ACCT 55121513570
XXXXXXX
We have received notice from your creditor that your payment is long
overdue. Unless you take action now to settle your account,
information concerning this delinquency will be included in our
national delinquent debtor file. Information from this file will be
reported to any one of the credit granting firms using our service
should they order a credit report on you.
The record of your delinquency will remain in our system for at least
five years unless this debt is paid.
Your credit file will show that you did not settle your
$59.86 DEBT WITH THE LITERARY GUILD.
Enclose this letter, with payment in full today! Use the envelope
provided. If the information stated is inaccurate, contact either your
creditor or us, using this form for comments. Your creditor must
notify us of any change in the status of your credit record. We strive
to maintain accurate credit files and you must realize how very
important it is to protect a most valuable asset…your credit rating.
Sincerely Yours.
Consumer Services
Credit Index
After receiving that letter, I had to do some more detective work. I
couldn’t believe that these letters, demands and threats would
continue to arrive after I’d written and explained everything so
clearly to the PRESIDENT of the Literary Guild’s parent company
himself. Unless….himself WASN’T himself!! Could I have been given a
bum steer? (I kind of thought I had a touch of food poisoning after my
last detecting foray). So…..
May 9, 1989
Mr. Robert Riger,
President
Doubleday & Company
501 Franklin Avenue
Garden City, NY 11530
Dear Mr. Riger:
I have just had a conversation with someone in your personnel
department who assures me that you are the president of Doubleday.
I’m not sure I can believe anything I hear from your company, because
a month or so ago, one of your hirelings was assuring me that James
McLaughlin was your president. But if the current information is true,
you’ve got big problems. Your Literary Guild Computers have developed
a serious disease. They are running the company as they see fit and
have cut off ALL communication between your human employees and the
general public.
The enclosed materials should be self explanatory. I have numbered
them sequentially to make it even easier to understand.
I should send you a bill for shipping costs, phone calls, postage,
time wasted and sheer aggravation. I will settle for an apology from
you and from the National Computer Credit File.
Cordially,
Jeff Smith
CC: Paul Hagen
Credit Index
I put that letter in the mail and then sat down to wait for what I was
pretty sure would be a continuation of the nasty letters demanding
money and threatening to destroy my credit rating. But this time I was
wrong. My letter was read by human eyes and, wonder of wonders,
UNDERSTOOD, as demonstrated below:
MEMBER SERVICE CENTER
May 22, 1989
Mr. Jeff Smith
XXXXX
XXXXX
Dear Mr. Smith:
Re: Mrs Sharon Smith
XXXXXX
XXXXXX
LITERARY GUILD ACCOUNT # 55 121 513570
Your recent letter to Mr. Robert Riger has been referred to my
attention. Thank you for writing.
I can appreciate both your anger and frustration at receiving billing
statements for merchandise that has been returned. It is regrettable
that this matter was not resolved much earlier, and we are sorry that
you have had to contact us more than once concerning it.
The outstanding charge, $59.86, reflected a September 22, 1988
purchase of a FIVE-PIECE SET OF SASSON LUGGAGE. This merchandise cost
$57.86; in time a $2.00 late fee was assessed, and the total balance
due became $59.86.
You wrote that the LUGGAGE had been returned. We, apparently, had no
record of ever receiving it. The billing, therefore, continued.
You have my complete assurance that this charge has now been removed.
Your account has been canceled and is now clear of all outstanding
charges. Additionally, I have written to the Credit Index to remove
your name, if listed, from their files. A copy of this letter is
enclosed for your review. You may be assured that your credit rating
is completely clear insofar as The Literary Guild is concerned.
We will be happy to reimburse you for all telephone calls and postage
fees that you have incurred in trying to resolve this issue. I am
enclosing a reply envelope addressed to a member of my staff, Mrs.
Caterino. Just send us copies of your phone bills and an approximate
sum for postage, and we’ll refund this amount to you.
We regret that you were given some incorrect information about our
Company recently. Our current President is Mr. Robert Riger, who
joined us May 1st.
Mr. Smith, I can understand your disappointment with The Literary
Guild. I fully agree that this matter should have been resolved much
earlier, and I understand your strong feelings about cancellation of
this membership. Our goal is to always please our members, both with
goods and services. I regret that we fell short of the mark! We do
offer a toll-free assistance number to our members. The number is
800-645-6140, and our lines are operational from 7:30 am to 9:00 pm
Eastern Time. Any time that you have a concern or need assistance,
please feel free to contact us.
We hope you will reconsider your decision as we would welcome the
opportunity to serve you again.
Sincerely,
Russell Sacco
Manager, Membership
Services
THE LITERARY GUILD
cc: Mr. Robert Riger
I swear that I’ve reproduced Mr. Sacco’s letter exactly as written,
punctuation, capitalization and syntax all as received. After all, the
guy was finally getting the BEHEMOTH off my back. Why would I want him
to look bad? He had already sent a copy to his new boss which I took
to be a sign, either of great bravery or total idiocy. Then again,
maybe English wasn’t Robert Riger’s native tongue… |
