I am looking for some tips on dividing up the duties in a marriage
when the husband works full time and provides all the finances and the
wife has chosen to stay at home and be a full time mom. I would like a
Fair Marriage Contract for all the household duties.

---

Request for Question Clarification by missy-ga on 25 Nov 2002 11:28 PST

Hello Kelzoid,

In preliminary research, I've found no examples of an actual "Fair
Marriage Contract" document.  Such contracts have been referred to in
several book reviews, but I'm not convinced that these books would
contain such a document.

Even so, I think I can help you.  I've been married for 12 years, and
have been a stay at home mother since shortly before my eldest son was
born (my boys are 10 1/2 and 6 1/2).  I feel my husband and I have
divided up our responsibilities well, and would be glad to help you if
you are amenable to an informal list of suggestions, instead of a
formal legal document.

Please advise.

--Missy

---

Clarification of Question by kelzoid-ga on 25 Nov 2002 12:30 PST

that would be awesome. we are having a real problem with this and i
have even offered for her to hire people to help but she won't even do
that? i am very supportive and she is just not carrying her "end of
the deal" at all. we can not talk about it cause we argue. we have a
new baby as well and i have even taking a full night shift so that she
can sleep 8 hours un-interupted and i still went to work as the CEO of
a company -- HELP! I want this to work

when i said a Fair Marriage Contract I meant an informal agreement
that we write.

---

Request for Question Clarification by missy-ga on 25 Nov 2002 14:28 PST

Kelzoid,

Is this your first child?   I am writing right now, and it occurred to
me that you may be first time parents, which would explain quite a lot
of your current difficulty.

If this is your first child, please let me know, and I will address
the difficulties of learning to be a parent as well.

--Missy

---

Clarification of Question by kelzoid-ga on 25 Nov 2002 20:35 PST

Yes, it is our first child. However we are really needing a practical
list and some charts if you have them. I feel like running a household
is like running a business. The business is running the house. That
means keeping financial records, maintenance, shopping, planning,
cleaning, cooking, child care, transportation, etc. When the business
runs smoothly, there is more peace and
harmony. I know that obviously, men and women, husbands and wives,
look at the division of chores differently. Domestic disorder simply
doesn't bother my wife that much and it really bothers me. Before we
were married in January 2002 I always hired someone else to do these
things as I lived alone. I can't wait to read your advice and any
research you have found for me to read.

Hi kelzoid,

It seems to me that you've struck the heart of the matter in your
clarification:  "new baby".  There is *nothing* that will turn your
life upside down faster than a new baby.

You mention that you've taken a full night shift so your wife can
sleep, so I'm going to assume that your baby isn't sleeping through
the night yet.  No wonder you're arguing!  You're both too tired to
think!  Additionally, if this new baby is *super* new - say younger
than 3 months - your wife is likely still suffering from residual
hormone upheaval.  "Baby blues" are no myth - they're very real and
they can make for very unpleasant and trying times.  I was certainly
very unhappy and unreasonable and grumpy for several months
post-partum, in addition to being exhausted and completely overwhelmed
by the task of learning how to be a mother.

Causes of Post Partum Depression
http://www.post-partum-depression.com/html/causes.php3

Symptoms of Post Partum Depression
http://www.post-partum-depression.com/html/symptoms.php3

If you suspect your wife is suffering from post-partum depression, get
her in to see her doctor *immediately*.

Take heart, though.  It *will* pass and life *will* settle again, I
promise.  It's just going to settle differently than before.

I'm going to address your dilemma from personal experience as an at
home mother, so most of the articles I will point you to are going to
address Mom's point of view.  Seeing things "from the other side" may
help you in devising a plan that will make both of you happier and
less stressed out.

----------------------------

First you need to determine what your priorities are, and what your
expectations are.  (Do note that I'm not trying to imply that your
expectations line up with what my husband's used to be, I just want to
give you examples of where conflict might arise.)

When my eldest son was born, it was originally my intention to return
to my job.  As the end of my leave approached, I grew ever more
apprehensive and depressed, and talked to my husband about staying
home.

He thought it was a great idea!  He hadn't wanted to suggest it
because I liked my job so much, and he didn't want to start any fuss. 
Fair enough.  We decided that I would stay home, and he would take on
a second (part time) job to make up for the lost income.  It was there
that the "fun" began.

His expectations were very "old school" - he'd be the breadwinner, I'd
handle all of the household chores and cooking and take care of baby
Alex, too!  He figured he wouldn't have any household responsibilities
- after all, he was working hard and making all the money, and being
at home with a baby is *so* easy, so Mom can handle all of the chores!
 Right?

My friend, it is not.  It's the hardest, most isolating, most
demanding and labor intensive job I've ever had in my life.  When I
was brand new at it, it was even harder, and it didn't leave a lot of
time for chores, either.  My husband couldn't see this, and we argued
a lot too.  He said I wasn't "doing my share".

When my brother fell gravely ill,  I left my husband alone with the
baby, a messy house, no food in the refrigerator, and a list of things
to do for two days while I went to visit my brother.  He changed his
tune pretty quickly when he got to see for himself exactly what "my
share" was.  After that, it was a lot easier to discuss who would be
responsible for what.  We both learned that parenthood is not at all
what TV says it is - it's significantly messier and harder than that,
and it really does take full involvement of both parents to do the job
right.

(Again, I don't want you to think I'm implying that this is the
situation with you and your wife.  I just wanted to give you a real
life example.)

They key to getting through your current difficulties is
*communication*, not a contract.  I know, you're arguing right now and
you just want to make peace and some rules you can both live with. 
That's OK.  Until you're used to the whole "new parent" thing, you're
going to argue.  It's normal, and it doesn't mean that your marriage
is doomed.  It just means you're trying to adjust to a brand new life.
 Let's start a list of how to balance things out for both of you.

****Start by examining your priorities.****  

To get your discussion started, try this:

Ten Key Points You and Your Husband Will Need to Discuss Concerning At
Home Motherhood
http://www.athomemothers.com/infoguides/32a1.htm

What's important to you?  What are you willing to call "not a big
priority"?  My husband and I agreed that the well being of our son(s)
would take precedence over everything - that meant if I spent the day
pacing the floor with a sobbing, colicky baby, there would be no
complaining that I hadn't done a lick of housework all day.  The needs
of the baby had to come before anything and everything else, even if
it meant that the laundry didn't get done that day.

****Make a list of your current household responsibilities.****  

You might work outside the home all day, but your wife is working too,
so it's only fair that the chores be split.  A perfect 50-50 division
is not realistic, so try to achieve some balance.  Each of you should
make a list of what chores you are currently responsible for.  Who's
is longer?  What chores do you despise?  What chores does your wife
despise?  Negotiate a trade or two - "I'll clean the cat box if you
take out the garbage."  "I'll vacuum the living room if you'll mop the
kitchen."

--If she loves to cook and you hate it, play with your baby while she
cooks, then *you* do the dishes after supper.  (This is even easier if
you have a dishwasher!).

--You both hate the laundry?  Split the chore, then.  I sort, wash and
dry the clothes, then my husband takes care of the folding.  He does
his own ironing, everyone puts their own clothes away and we're both
happy with the arrangement.
 
--Run errands together.  When you're dealing with a newborn, grocery
shopping is a pretty daunting task.  Just getting baby all ready to go
is time consuming, then trying to deal with getting the groceries into
the house once you return is enough to make you want to live on
take-out.  We solved the problem by going to the grocery store
together.  Even now that the kids are older, we still go together and
it works out well.

--Get Quicken or MS Money to create the household budget and track the
finances.  Have your paycheck direct deposited, and set up as many of
your bills as possible for Automatic Bill Pay through your bank or
through ACH debits with each company.  This will all but eliminate the
task of sorting through the bills and getting them paid on time.  We
only write one check a month anymore - our rent check.  Everything
else, from cable and phone, to car payment and car insurance, are all
deducted automatically from our checking account.

Do you see where this is going?  Balance the household
responsibilities out.  Decide which chores you each find absolutely
odious and trade off on them.  Remember, your wife is 100% responsible
for meeting the baby's needs while you're at work, so she's not going
to be able to do every single chore every single day.  Dividing the
workload will result in less stress for both of you.

****Change your housecleaning standards.****

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." --Phyllis Diller

This is on a large magnet on my refrigerator, to remind my husband and
me that some days, the house is just going to be wrecked and we might
as well get over it.  It was very hard to learn that lesson, but
children do have a way of teaching their parents the important things.

That same quote is also included in a great article about how to
handle household responsibilities, without letting them get the best
of you:

Managing Your Household:  11 Ways To Do Less And Feel Great About It
http://www.athomemothers.com/infoguides/43a1.htm

Create a schedule.  If your wife is to be responsible for general
housecleaning have her choose one room for clean up every day, and
don't fret if the rest of the house is less than House Beautiful. 
It's truly unrealistic to try to maintain a meticulously clean house
when you're busy feeding, rocking, soothing, changing and cleaning up
after baby, as well as trying to get supper on the table *and* find a
little time in there to get a shower yourself.

If either of you are accustomed to putting something down and just
leaving it until housework gets done, get out of that habit as fast as
you can.  Agree to clean as you go and make a point of picking up
after yourselves to cut down on both clutter and stress.

Next, and this goes for both of you, sleep when the baby sleeps.  It
might be the only chance you get!  Instead of your wife (or you!)
rushing around trying to get housework done while the baby naps, try
to take a nap, too.  Housework can be broken into small bits and fit
in around feedings, but when baby sleeps, Mom and Dad should hit the
mattress too.  There's time enough for regular housework later, right
now you both need to focus on baby and on your relationship.

****Ignore traditional parenting roles.****

You know the ones I mean.  The "old school" roles where Daddy brings
home the money and is therefore "in charge", and it's Mommy's job to
do all of the housework and all of the child care *and* wait on Daddy
hand and foot, too.

We're all exposed to this idea that we need to live up to this
impossibly perfect stereotype, and when it become apparent that we
can't, it gets frustrating.  Maybe your wife is putting pressure on
herself to live up to this ideal and is depressed because she can't. 
(Hence her refusal to hire help.  When you feel like you need to be a
"perfect mother", hiring help is admitting to failure!)

New mothers put all kinds of terrible pressure on themselves.  To
combat this, make a point of telling her that you're *both* going to
ignore the "ideal".  It might take a little work and perhaps even a
lot of arguing to overcome this, but it's the single best thing my
husband and I ever did for ourselves and our children.

****Communicate clearly!****

This is absolutely crucial.  If either of you need help with
something, it needs to be said explicitly and without laying blame -
"Honey, could you feed the baby while I finish cooking dinner?"
instead of "Do I have to do everything myself?".  "Please help me take
care of this task" is much more constructive than "You never help
me!".  Sit down together and discuss ways you can help each other with
certain tasks.  Not a 50-50 split, but ways that you can each help
each other during the stressful days that parenting brings.

****Let her know that her job is important.****

Maybe she feels undervalued.  In our modern world, women who stay home
to give the best of themselves to their children are often looked down
upon.  Is she feeling looked down on for staying at home?  Isolated? 
Feeling like you've been demoted to maidservant just because you've
chosen to stay home is a terrible feeling, and can cause a woman to
doubt herself and her partner.

Consider this:

"When I left my job, I didn’t have a single friend in my town that was
a SAHM. That left me with only my two year old and a newborn for
company and conversation during the day. Pretty soon the loneliness
crept in and I began to feel disconnected from the outside world. I
felt like life was going on without me. To make things worse, I wasn’t
prepared for negative responses to my choice to stay at home. The
comments like "Don’t sit around and get fat!" and "You’re wasting your
education!" served to isolate me even further from my working friends.
Overnight, I no longer had a peer group with whom I could discuss my
thoughts and ideas. Then the depression started. With no one to talk
to about your feelings, this situation only becomes worse over time. A
person who is depressed suffers from low self-esteem, black and white
thinking (mostly black), irritability, and plummeting energy levels.
The last thing a mom with small children needs is to have no energy!
This change in personality can begin to affect your marriage and your
relationship with your children."

Dealing With Isolation
http://www.mainstreetmom.com/par_dealing.htm

Point her here:

Feeling "Home-Alone"? 15 Ways to Combat This Common Complaint
http://www.athomemothers.com/infoguides/49a.htm

...and get her this:

What's a Smart Woman Like You Doing at Home?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0963118811/102-3123773-8346569

This book, written by the founders of Mother's At Home (now the Home
and Family Network) is an unflinching look at what it's like to be a
stay at home mother in today's society.  It's a terrific read -
informative and eye-opening to fathers and supportive and helpful to
mothers.  Linda Burton, Janet Dittmer and Cheri Loveless discuss the
difficulties encountered by both mothers and fathers as they make the
transition to having a parent at home.

****Discuss *your* worries too!****

Being a Dad is hard work!  It's also vastly different from being a
CEO.  You go from having to worry abut your business to having to
worry about your business *and* how to take care of your family *and*
how to maintain a good marriage *and*...*and*...*and*!  Are you
worried?  Frightened?  Confused?

Tell your wife.  I know, you're arguing right now.  Tell her anyway. 
It's easier to talk when you're talking as equals - in this case, two
people overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for a brand new
person.

Your Husband's Feelings About Your Staying Home Full-Time: 7 Issues
You Can't Afford to Overlook
http://www.athomemothers.com/infoguides/33a3.htm

****Take time to relax!****

Set aside time for yourselves as a couple.  Hire a sitter or drop baby
at Grandma's and go out together, even if it's just to the movies. 
Make a habit of doing something restful on the weekends - skip the
chores and go to the zoo or to the park!

Additionally, take some time alone and see to it your wife has some
time alone, too.  Time to recharge your batteries is *vital* if you're
going to keep your cool and reduce your stress.  Even an hour browsing
the bookstore can have an amazing regenerative effect, so make sure
you each have time just for yourselves.

Hang in there, Kelzoid.  It's tough and very frustrating at the
moment, but it *does* eventually get easier.  You've both got a lot on
your plates right now, and it's so easy to get caught up in that and
get frustrated.  Just take your time, make lists together, sort out
your common goals and common needs, and *be patient*.

It won't be too much longer before your darling baby is sleeping
through the night, and your lives begin to approach something more
like normal again.

To help you along, I've compiled a list of parenting resources for you
below.  I hope you find them useful!  Of course, if you need further
assistance, just ask for clarification and I'll be happy to help a
fellow parent out!

Warmly yours,

--Missy


Some helpful resources for both of you:

Parenting Magazine
http://www.parenting.com

Parents Magazine
http://www.parents.com

The Home And Family Network
http://www.mah.org

Parenting Resources for the 21st Century
http://www.parentingresources.ncjrs.org/

Dads, work, and other high-wire acts 
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/dadsbaby/8259.html

Are We Too Hard On Ourselves?
http://www.mainstreetmom.com/jm_too_hard.htm

Becoming a better dad: Seven ways your partner can help
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/dadsbaby/8255.html

The Truth About Maternity Leave
http://www.parents.com/articles/pregnancy/1010.jsp?page=2

A BabyCenter Tour for New Dads
http://www.babycenter.com/general/dadsbaby/baby/3840.html

How You Can Get Some Sleep
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/parentsleep/7750.html

Bootcamp For New Dads
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/dadsbaby/3598.html

Home Alone -  Being A SAHM
http://www.mainstreetmom.com/jm_home_alone.htm

---

Clarification of Answer by missy-ga on 25 Nov 2002 21:51 PST

Hi Kelzoid,

It looks like you posted your Clarification as I was proofreading and
posting my answer.

You're not just new parents, you're practically newlyweds!  You have
so much to adjust to!  Heavens, no wonder you're stressed out.

I'm afraid you're in for a bit of a shock, though... 

Just as there is no crying in baseball, there are no charts in
parenting.  You have to develop your schedule around your baby,
because babies don't read charts and even if they did, they wouldn't
care.  When you're a baby, it's all about you!  Parenting and running
a household is much, much, much different from running a business.

With parenting, you learn as you go.  Flexibility is essential, or
you're just going to be frustrated.

Still, if you find you would like more about getting things organized
as you adjust to life with a baby, just ask.  I'll be glad to look for
some extra hints, or even show you what my schedule looks like on any
given day.

--Missy

---

Request for Answer Clarification by kelzoid-ga on 25 Nov 2002 22:02 PST

thank you so much for the answer , i would love some additional advice
on getting things organized as i adjust to life with a baby ... also
do you have a list of the standard household chores/maintenance that
we could use as a starting point when we are communicating and working
this all out.

---

Request for Answer Clarification by kelzoid-ga on 25 Nov 2002 22:05 PST

also one more thing ... i really want her to hire a cleaning lady and
a gardener and a handyman to keep the place in order and then she can
focus on Chloe and we will all be happier.. i just wish she would take
the lead on this so i don't feel like i am the only one that cares
....

---

Clarification of Answer by missy-ga on 25 Nov 2002 22:24 PST

Hi Kelzoid,

It's getting to be my bedtime, so I won't be able to do more until I
return from festivities at school tomorrow afternooon (the six year
old is in the Thanksgiving play!).

I did want to let you know that I got your RFC, though, so you didn't
think I had run away on you!

Til tomorrow,

--Missy

---

Clarification of Answer by missy-ga on 26 Nov 2002 16:15 PST

Hi again, Kelzoid!

OK, let's see about helping you get organized.  First, though,
something to keep in mind:

On parenting and household responsibilities:

"Part of it is like running a business, if your business is herding
cats through a crowded amusement park." - Annie, Systems Administrator
and mother of a 3 year old.

In other words, *be flexible*.  You'll save yourself a lot of
headaches if you keep in mind that life with kids is...well...it's
weird and often unpredictable.  Planning and organizing is possible,
but you really have to make the plans fluid or you'll soon be eating
Excedrine Migraine tablets like candy, and that's really no fun at
all!

Let's take care of organizing for Miss Chloe (what a lovely name!)
first:

--Keep a diaper bag packed at all times, so you need only grab it and
go.

In it, keep:

--4 or 5 diapers
--a changing pad
--a travel sized package of baby wipes (Huggies makes a terrific
little refillable hard case for these)
--a travel sized bottle of powder
--2 bottles with pre-measured formula powder in them (unless your wife
is nursing)
--enough bottled water to prepare the formula (a single unopened 20
ounce bottle of Dasani or whatever brand you favor ought to do it)
--an extra blanket
--2 changes of clothes
--2 "barf blotters"
--an extra pacifier (if your daughter is using one)
--a toy or "lovey"
--a couple diaper pins.  (Even if she's wearing disposables.  Diaper
pins have myriad uses.)

After an outing, repack the bag to these contents every time.  It
really does save time, and takes a lot of strain off of going out with
your baby.

--Keep a small basket of changing supplies (diapers, wipes, powder,
changing pad, etc.) in the living room.

Sometimes it's impractical to dash to baby's room to do the changing. 
Having the supplies close to hand eliminates...um...dripping...if you
get my drift.  Keep this basket well stocked, always.

And for around the house...by way of example, I'm going to give you my
basic list.  Even though I am a full time Mom with older kids, the
list is still considered "not final".  If either child is sick, if
there are special goings on at school or if I'm suffering an arthritis
flare up, all bets are off.  Flexibility is the key to keeping the
house running with a minimum of stress.  If the schedule tanks a
couple days in a row, it tanks, and I have to just get over it.

Basic housework:

Daily:

--Cooking
--Kitchen clean up (dishes, wipe down counters)
--Living room pick up
--Bedroom pick up
--Wipe down bathroom sinks
--spray showers with Clean Shower or similar
--sweep kitchen floor
--take out trash
--run ScanDisk on computers (we have a 3 node network)

If you have pets:
--scoop out kitty box (if you have a kitty)
--pick up doggie debris from the yard (if you have a doggie)
--other assorted pet care (feed, water, groom)

Every other day tasks:

--Vacuum living room and dining room  (high traffic area)
--sweep out or vacuum entry way.  Mop if not carpeted.
--water plants (if any)
--laundry  (laundry schedule often varies - I have to do it every
other day or I'll fall behind.)
     --Sort
     --Wash
     --Dry
     --Fold or Hang up
     --Iron
     --Put away
(Rubbermaid makes nifty hampers on wheels, making getting laundry to
and from the laundry room much easier.)

Once a week tasks:

--grocery shopping (full shop, not "I forgot this little thing")
--banking and budgeting (use Quicken or MS Money, Direct Deposit, and
Automatic Bill Pay!)
--complete kitchen and dining room scrub 
--complete bathroom scrub
--complete bedroom cleaning
--complete living room cleaning (dust, wipe fingerprints from various
surfaces)
--change kitty litter entirely (if you have a kitty)
--vacuum out computers (dust makes them run poorly)
--run de-frag on computers

Typically, my once a week tasks are done one or two each day.  Last
week ran:

Monday:  Clean front bathroom, de-frag and clean computers
Tuesday:  Clean back bathroom, kitty box
Wednesday:  Living room, dining room
Thursday:  Groceries, budget, Kitchen
Friday:  Bedroom  (kids clean their own)

(This changes constantly based on spouse's work schedule and school
events.)

Twice a month:

--Steam clean carpets  (we have a ProHeat steamer.  Very handy.)

Get rid of any tasks on this list that don't apply to your situation
(pets, computers?), add anything additional that does, then break the
lists up. Decide between you who is going to be responsible for what,
and keep in mind that your wife's chores will often be interrupted by
baby concerns.  If something doesn't get done on a particular day,
it's not because she's parked on the couch eating truffles.

------
I understand that you're used to hiring help for these chores. 
Perhaps your wife isn't accustomed to having hired help?  Or perhaps
she feels that the presence of a hired housekeeper means you think
she's inadequate?  (Remember what I said earlier about new moms
feeling a lot of pressure, both from themselves and societal
expectations?  If you're not doing it all, you're a failure as a
mother, says the conventional wisdom.) Maybe she's like me and would
love the help, but isn't much for the invasion of privacy such help
would represent.  (I'm picky.  I don't like other people touching my
things.  Maybe this is how your wife feels?)

In any case, talk to her about it.  Find out why she doesn't want
hired help.  It's not that she doesn't care, Kelzoid.  I guarantee
that she does.  You're both making an enormous adjustment now, though,
and she might resent the intrusion of strangers in her home.

------

Maintenence (done as needed)

DIY:

--change light bulbs
--un-clog drains/toilets
--reset garbage disposal (requires Allen wrench)
--change Central heat/AC filters (we have allergies, so this happens
once a month)
--patch shower grout
--oil door hinges
--glue down loose floor tiles
--install/uninstall applications on computers, fix outtages
--put up/take down holiday decorations
--mow lawn
--shovel/blow snow from walk (if you live where it snows)

Call a pro:

--broken plumbing fixtures
--snake out drains (at least once a year)
--roof repair
--furnace repair
--foundation repair
--professional steam cleaning (twice a year) 

If something is difficult for one of you to do, the other should
handle it.  For instance, I'm short and can't reach most of our light
fixtures, even with a step ladder.  Taller hubby does that.  Also, I'm
arthritic, so hubby handles heavy lifting jobs like carrying
groceries, and anything that involves going out in very cold weather. 
On the flip side, hubby can't cook anything besides eggs, so I handle
all of the cooking, and prepare a few meals ahead of time if I'm going
away for a few days.  He's also clueless with the computers and game
consoles, so I handle all of the maintenance for those.

This should give you a good list to start with.  Pick it apart and
add/subtract as necessary.  Try to balance it out so neither of you
has all of the "yucky" tasks (like taking out the garbage, cleaning up
after pets, etc.)

With some patience, time and flexibility, you'll both be adjusted and
have a handle on keeping the household running smoothly.  Just keep in
mind that flexibility is not optional - it's absolutely mandatory. 
Flexibility is probably the hardest thing to learn if you're used to
set schedules and perfect organization, but those things are pretty
much impossible to have when children enter your life.

Good luck, Kelzoid.  Enjoy that precious little girl, because she'll
be grown up in a flash!

Have a terrific Thanksgiving!

--Missy

I stumbled upon this service and I just love it. I really enjoyed
reading all the answers and comments. I will definately do it again. I
am confused though? Was my Researcher only Missy? I also recieved
comments from Legolas and Byrd? Anyways, I think this is great. Thanks
ALL!!!

Hi kelzoid,

I wanted to add a few things from a "new father" perspective. I have a
daughter who is just about to turn 1 this week! I'm very excited about
it, and love her to bits. I can tell you the first three or so months
were very unrewarding. Basically, it sucked. The baby had collic, and
just wouldn't calm down sometimes. My wife and I both were stressed,
arguing, and generally disagreeing on many things. We had been
together for years before the baby, and have now worked through all
our problems since.

What we did was a few things that might help you:

1) We brought the baby to bed with us. It helps *A LOT* with sleep
deprevation. Both of us almost always got enough sleep. It doesn't
take that long for my wife to nurse the baby--she doesn't even really
wake up to do it. You will NOT roll on the baby -- trust me on this!

2) We made sure that if one of us was having a really bad day, the
other would pick up the slack and deal with the baby more. This helped
a LOT! If I had a bad day, my wife would do the majority of stuff
around the house: if she had a bad day, I'd do the majority of the
stuff around the house.

3) Learn to be more flexible. My wife tended to be ridgid about many
things: she had to let go of her rigidity--and fast! The baby doesn't
opperate by the clock. No amount of scheduling will the baby keep to.
Basically, if you think you can plan *anything*, your in for a BIG
wakeup call when the baby dashes every plan you try to make.

4) Get your wife a "sling" or a "frontpack" carrier. Brand names for
slings are, "maya wrap" and "over the shoulder baby holder". Slings
are an EXCELLENT choice for carrying a newborn around. My wife adored
it! If she prefers a frontpack, lots of people prefer BabyBjorn's. Now
that my daughter is a year old, we use our EvenFlo metal backpack. All
the carriers allow her to hold the baby while keeping both hands free.
She will find that she is able to get a LOT more done around the house
with a sling/carrier.. Again, this is something that is DEFINATELY
worth the money.. It will make a gigantic difference for the both of
you.

Hope this helps!

Legolas-ga

One more thing about co-sleeping.. Take a look at this article:

AskDrSears.com - Cosleeping safety
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp

There are a few precautions that you need to take to ensure that you
do not harm your baby. NOT sleeping with the baby if you have had
ANYTHING to drink is a BIG issue.. It's well worth the read.

Thanks,

Legolas-ga

Just one more comment, this from someone who's not just a mother, but
a grandmother, and getting "up there" in years and experience,
including failed relationships, a divorce, years as a single parent
and, finally, a good relationship and a clarity of understanding I can
only wish I'd had years ago.

I just want to reassure you that you are *not* in the wrong to be
expecting a certain level of domestic support from your wife.  This is
often an issue that doesn't come up until the children appear, and yet
it is an important and valid need, and there are ways for you to get
that need met while at the same time meeting the needs of your wife,
which may include a need for validation or "admiration," and of which
she may not even be aware.  And no, I'm not talking about servants,
though you may very well end up with some lists of chores.

As a matter of fact, not so long ago I stumbled across a website of a
very wise man who, over years of experience working with couples, has
come up with the best answer I've ever seen to any of these sorts of
conflicts, and the most practical way to address them.  And he has
helped many people, including me at my advanced age.  :-)  It's not a
"conflict resolution" sort of approach the way most popular fixes are,
but rather a way to identify and meet the individual emotional needs
of each person in a marriage so that each partner will continue to be
"in love" and the marriage will be a place of fulfillment for each. 
Yes, it IS possible.  It involves some work as in taking some
questionnaires and evaluating the results, as well as some
reexamination of commonly-held ideas about life and marriage, but I
honestly believe this method and philosophy could hold some promise
for you and your wife - and your child - if you will give it a fair
try.  Check it out at http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Best of luck to you in your struggle.  I can see you love your wife
and family - that will go a long way.

--Byrd

If you have the means, I think hiring help to deal with the household
chores is a no-brainer. That way you can focus on business matters and
your wife on caring for the baby. What specifically are her objections
to hiring said help? I think this issue is very important, and you
should try to get to the bottom of it.

This "google answers" is terrific! Thank you all for all this advice.
How does this $50.00 work? Who gets it and when will my credit card be
billed? Also, do people keep adding comments to this forever?

Thanks, 
Kelzoid

Hi Kelzoid,

I'm glad you're pleased with your answer.  We think Google Answers is
pretty nifty, too!

Yes, I was your only Researcher.  The way GA works is that any
registered user can leave free comments for you (or you can leave free
comments for anyone else!), but you have to be a part of the
Researcher program to provide an "official" Answer.  And yes, people
can keep adding comments to this forever, so you may want to check
back occasionally to see if there is more free advice and help for
you.

As it happens, Legolas and Byrd are also Researchers.  It seems they
took an interest in your question, and decided to offer assistance, as
most of us like to do when a question interests us.

We appreciate your delight in the service, and hope you'll come back
in the future with more research for us!

--Missy

Greetings Kelzoid -- You have received first-rate information and
advice from Missy and the others.  I just want to add my two cents
worth.  My husband and I had no experience with children (not
siblings, not cousins, none...) when our twins were born, and our life
felt just like your sounds right now.  More than once, one of us
snapped at the other, "Mind your own baby!!!" as we sat in rockers on
opposite ends of the living room trying to figure out how in the heck
to get them to stop screaming.  We were both defensive, confused, and
barely managing to get through each day and night without getting
really ugly.  I thought if one more person told me to "enjoy every
second...they grow up so fast" I was going to leave my babies AND my
husband on their doorstep and run away to ... I don't know.  Somewhere
else.  I responded only slightly less emotionally to well-meaning
assurances that "it *will* get better...believe me."  I cried every
day for the first 6 months.  I should probably have seen a doctor.
This is a tough stage for everyone, and really tough for some.  It has
nothing to do with if you are a nice person or not, or smart, or
anything.  It just happens.

Well, here I am, 16 years later.  They did grow up fast, and I can't
say I have enjoyed every moment, but by gosh, it DID get better!  And
fairly soon, too.

Here's my first real suggestion...let the housework go.  And the yard.
 For now.  Until you evolve into another stage where one of you feels
like taking some responsibility for them.  Which you eventually will,
there's just no telling when.  My husband and I are still letting it
go (we sure don't vacuum every other day!!!), but I know people who
got back into the swing of things after a few months (like when the
baby started sleeping throught the night).  My sons are actually
showing some initiative, too.

Here's my second and last suggestion...hire someone to come in and
clean every two weeks, not every other day or even every week.  We did
this for two years starting when the kids started crawling around, and
it made a tremendous difference in our outlook without creating any
stress related to having the person around the house.  Your wife might
be more open to the suggestion once she feels she can easily get out
of the house while the person is there (I was always uncomfortable if
I wasn't able to leave).  It also guaranteed that we "picked up" every
two weeks, which kept things from getting totally out of control, and
every other week was often enough. If something started looking bad,
it was easy enough to take care of that one thing.

You obviously have your wife and baby's best interests at heart, but
still want to make yourself happy too.  Have you considered that with
all the new-baby-commotion, you may be fixating a little on the
housework because it feels like something you can control amidst the
chaos? Just a thought.

Best wishes to you, your wife, and lovely Chloe.  AH

Missy and all of you have misunderstood what I am saying about
Stephanie and hiring help. The issue is not that she has a problem
with hired people being in the home. The issue is actually finding
them, training them and holding the "help" accountable. We are very
much in LOVE and we just have some problems dividing up responsibilty.
What we are looking for is very practical advise and ways to actually
do this so each of us are happy. I have gotten some practical advise
but I am always looking for more. Actually breakdowns of duties and
who should do what with me working 50 - 60 hours a week and her taking
care of a new baby.
kelzoid