I have carefully researched your question and have your answer.
I have found several citations that can help us with this. I wanted to
find some recommendations from psychologists on how to handle this
situation. While I
could note locate any official "study" on the subject of convincing
your husband to break up with his girlfriend, I did find some good
information that can help you.
Several relationship gurus first recommend that you talk with your
husband about your wanting to get back together permanently with him
and having a mutually exclusive relationship.
Peggy Elam, a psychotherapist and psychological consultant in
Tennessee, said she would first recommend finding out why your husband
is dating this
woman. What is it about her that he gets from her but doesn't get from
you? The best way to find out this information is to have a
conversation with him about
this. Elam recommended someone in this situation should talk with her
husband about how she feels about him and his relationship with this
other woman. It's
important to be polite and understanding when having this conversation
with your husband. Don't raise your voice. Don't get angry. Be
understanding to his needs and wants.
Perhaps in this conversation about what his wants and needs are, Elam
would suggest, you may decide you are willing to start providing the
needs that he has that you aren't necessarily providing. Elam wrote,
"Devoting too much emotional energy to a relationship outside the
marriage can detract from the husband-wife bond. Sometimes, of course,
that may be exactly what the errant spouse is trying to do, for
various reasons." You may wish to tell him you're willing to start
working on these issues. If you decide to do this, you should set
goals for yourself. It will take time. Be patient. Feelings aren't
changed overnight. You may not achieve your husband to where you want
him to be instantly.
Elam would also recommend talking with your husband about the vows you
and he exchanged at the time of your marriage and reminding him that
the two of you
aren't officially divorced. Again, make sure you remain calm and
collected and do what you can to keep your husband calm and not upset.
If he starts to get
upset, be understanding.
Also, you may ask your husband what he thinks about your children's
conditions. Find out what he thinks should be done to solve their
problems and what he
thinks is causing their disorders. It sounds as if it would be
difficult to argue that your marriage issues are not the cause of
You may find yourself breaking this issues up into different
conversations over time.
Elam also wrote, "If you are not able to discuss this with your
husband and arrive at an acceptable resolution on your own, a marriage
counselor might be
of help. If your husband won't go with you and you continue to be
disturbed by his contact with his... girlfriend, consider seeing a
counselor on your own to
explore your options."
You may read all of what Elam has to say on iVillage. The link is
A book called "Surviving an Affair" discusses what can be done during
the next step. While what you're experiencing is not an affair in the
of the term, many of the same issues are discussed. The book is
written by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr., and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
It's published by
Harley and Chalmers suggest, "The wayward spouse should make a
commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover
again.... The wayward
spouse should write a letter to the lover ending the relationship and
send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.... Extraordinary
be taken to guarantee total separation of the wayward spouse and the
lover.... If the lovers are co-workers, a job change or relocation may
be needed.... All
communication between the wayward spouse and lover should cease. This
includes changing your e-mail address, telephone number, cell phone
pager numbers.... The betrayed spouse should monitor voice mail and
regular mail.... The betrayed spouse and wayward spouse should give
each other a
twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers
to account for their time.... Make all future financial decisions
jointly, and give each
other a complete account of money spent.... Spend your leisure time
You may read a brief checklist taken from this book online. The link
Another expert explained that you'll need to take this issue one step
at a time. She wrote, "The first thing I would say is that you
shouldn't spend a lot of time worrying about the past. I agree that
this isn't what you signed up for when you got married, but I don't
think either of you signed up for stasis. People change, and we can't
She said if a person's husband is willing to discuss his feelings
regarding this issue, you should express all your feelings regardless
of how negative they are. Each of you need to be respectable of each
other's feelings and try to understand.
She further wrote to one woman, "I think painting the situation as an
ultimatum is probably unhelpful. You said that he wouldn't go through
with it if you objected, so making yourself feel backed into a corner
is not a positive way to
view things. I think you have real and valid concerns, both for
yourself and for your son. All the things you list are issues that
will need to be dealt with at some point. However, they don't all have
to be dealt with right now."
This expert also recommends that you look at finding some potential
"end goals" for yourself. Ask yourself what is it you're ultimately
looking for? Ask yourself what your plans are if he doesn't respond as
you hope? These are decisions you need to make, she said, separate of
your husband. For the sake of your own health and the health of your
Again this expert is not addressing your situation specifically, but
she does make some comments that you might find helpful. The link is
Some other sites that you might find helpful include:
One site is a forum. One of the question askers asked
the very question you are. The link is
One online diary I found ponders the question. The
link is http://katylloyd.diaryland.com/msdark.html
Not to promote fiction. But I found a site that
discusses an attempt to break up a couple on the soap
"The Bold & The Beautiful." The link is
To conduct this research, I searched the following
"how to break them up"
psychology relationship expert "break up"
husband girlfriend psychology marriage divorce
I hope this helps. If you need any clarification, please don't
hesitate to ask.