dear researchers~

ive never lost anyone close to me, so i am looking for some guidance
on some things to avoid when writing a condolence note.

i have tried imagining what it would be like if i had lost someone,
but im a pretty, oh, how shall i put it, forgiving?  relaxed?  kind of
person and even if someone were to write a condolence note to me
saying something like 'its better this way' or 'its so awful, what
happened' or something to that effect, that id just shrug it off and
think that the person meant well.  of course this is speculation (who
knows how i would really act if and when i lose someone close), but i
like to think that i give people the benefit of the doubt even in
grief.

anyhow, i am aware that most people arent as laid back as i am, and i
_really_ dont want to offend, so just reminders of things to avoid
would be nice.

thanks very much in advance

Hi Banchan -

It is often difficult to write a letter of condolence for fear of
offending and saying the "wrong" things.

If there is one thing that may be best to avoid is to ask for details
in the condolence note.

I'm taking a different tack and going to answer instead on what you
should write.

Sit down, think of both the person who has died and the person you are
writing the condolence note to. Then write what is in your heart. In a
simple and honest way, express your sympathy for the loss.

Unless your handwriting is atrocious, DO express your thoughts in your
own handwriting, and DO express your real feelings and DON'T worry so
much about the words. If you can think of something you honestly feel
that is uplifting, add that. And keep it personal, sympathetic and
short.

The experts on etiquette and manners (from Miss Manners to Emily Post
and those in between) suggest the same things I have mentioned above.

There is a reprint of Emily Post's Chapter on Letters of Condolence on
the URL below:
http://www.emilypost.com/etiquette_tips/grieving/grieving.htm#condolence

I think this may help you with writing a letter of condolence.

I'll emphasize once again - write what's in your heart. Express your
feelings of sympathy for the person to whom you are writing. If you do
that, who can be offended by your caring words?

I hope this helps,
Serenata

thank you for your suggestions.  they are good pointers.  i have
looked at the link as well and found much that is useful.

i do plan to write a handwritten note, but i guess i am simply afraid
of saying something wrong, even if my heart is in the right place.

I agree with you that saying 'its better this way' would not be
helpful to a grieving person.  I think however that if you feel the
awfulness of what happened, then a quick expression of that feeling of
yours combine with your saying how sorry you are for that, can be
helpful.  The idea that it 'its better this way' is a judgment that it
is not your place to make.  The fact that you feel it is awful is an
expression of your feelings by which you may succeed at empathizing
with the griever.  Your task is not to try to deny what happened or
make it better but to be in human contact with the griever.   When my
father died the most helpful letter I receive was from someone who
told me that when that happened to him his life was forever changed. 
It might sound harsh but he was dealing with my reality which I
appreciated.

When I have to write condolence notes, I generally try to share a fond
memory of the deceased.

For example:

"Dear Mary, I am very sorry to hear about the loss of Joe. One of my
fondest memories is when (example here). I also remember (example
here) If there is anything I can do to help you at this difficult
time, please let me know."