hi~

help me improve these three sentences.  ive already done some work. 
the original passage:

> My undergraduate GPA was xxx with a concentration in physics. My
> undergraduate GPA is a good indicator of my strong quantitative
> background and my academic aptitude.  My strong aptitude in
> mathematical sciences is even more clearly reflected in my
> graduate GPA (zzz) in physics from YYY University.

the passage after a round of my editing:

My undergraduate GPA was xxx with a concentration in physics.  My
undergraduate GPA is a good indicator of my solid quantitative
background and my academic aptitude.  My capabilities in mathematical
sciences is even more clearly reflected in my graduate GPA (zzz) in
physics from YYY University.

how would you improve these three sentences?

Hi Banchan,

It sounds as if you're writing a resume.  There are several things to
keep in mind here.  Yes, you're trying to highlight your
qualifications.  However, you must always keep your audience in mind
as you attempt to keep your writing interesting enough to flow
smoothly and hold the attention of the reader.  This is of prime
importance regardless of the particular piece on which you're working.

In this case, one major improvement would be simply to vary the
beginning of your sentences.  As it is, each begins with "My," which
is redundant and not the best format for any paragraph.  You could
change it by merely altering the position of the phrases within your
sentences:

"My undergraduate GPA was xxx with a concentration in physics.  This
is a good indicator of my solid quantitative background and my
academic aptitude.  Even more clearly reflected in my graduate GPA
(zzz) in physics from YYY University are my capabilities in
mathematical sciences."

However, I'd recommend a little further rewriting, making use of the
imperative in order to draw the reader more into what you're saying,
as well as emphasize the usefulness of your qualifications to that
reader.  Therefore,

"Notice my undergraduate GPA of xxx with a concentration in Physics,
and how it demonstrates not only outstanding academic aptitude, but a
solid quantitative background.  Then see how my already strong
capabilities in mathematical sciences have been further strengthened
and enhanced as exemplified by my GPA of zzz in Physics from YYY
University."

Please let me know if this helps you get on the right track.  If not,
I'll be glad to give you a few more options, so let me know if you
need any additional clarification before rating the answer.  Again,
keep in mind your audience as you write and, difficult as it might be,
keep first and foremost the knowledge that those reading it care less
about who you are and what you have done, than they do about how you
can help them.  Show, don't tell, how your skills and capabilities
will benefit them and meet their needs, not how much you want them to
hire you so you can have a job/career, etc.

I've not used any web resources for this, but rather have drawn on my
own knowledge as a former "English major" and experienced writer. 
Although you probably already have access to some resume (and other)
writing assistance, if you'd like some additional web resources, here
are several you might try:

http://osca.ouac.on.ca/resume.htm
http://jobstar.org/tools/resume/res-web.cfm
http://www.mnu.edu/career/resources/resume.html

Best wishes,
Byrd

---

Clarification of Answer by byrd-ga on 08 Dec 2002 14:38 PST

Thank you very much for the generous rating.  I'm glad you were
pleased and happy I was able to be of some help to you.  Best of luck
on that application!

excellent job.  english is not my strong point, although i am a native
speaker.  thank you for pointing out all the my my mys.  i didnt even
notice that.

this is actually not for a resume, but it is an answer to some
question in a school application.

thank you very much!