After about a decade of subscribing to just about every humor mailing
list on the Internet, I can't help but feel that the well ran dry long
ago: I haven't heard anything original and funny in ages.  I get
Afghanistan jokes that are just recycled Gulf War jokes, Bush jokes
that are just recycled Clinton jokes that were just recycled Bush
jokes that were just recycled Reagan jokes ad infinitum, reheated
urban legends, painful puns, and other assorted crap.  Nothing is
original; everything is thawed, microwaved, recirculated, and passed
around like an unwanted fruitcake.  The stench is awful.  Mailing
lists are a wasteland; Jim Moore Jr was the only one doing anything
original, and he's gone now. rec.humor.funny isn't.  Television and
movies don't have much to offer either; South Park has some brilliant
moments, but the originality is dying.  It seems as if there's nothing
to laugh at that hasn't been laughed at before.

A lot of jokes are funny the first time you hear them, but then less
so each time after that you hear it, until it becomes painfully
unfunny.  Funnier jokes tend to be spread further than less funny
ones, and thus are much more likely to become painfully unfunny in the
end.  An odd paradox.

The last joke I heard that was truly brilliant, original, and inspired
was "The Yellow Flower", which fortunately has remained obscure, safe
from overexposure (as far as I can tell, its current Internet
existence is limited to two websites that each carry an inferior
diluted version of it; the true original lives on only within the
minds of those of us who have experienced it).  "The Yellow Flower"
presents a paradoxical dilemma: I have an urge to spread it far and
wide so that
others can experience it, but I know that I can't, because if I did,
it'd become trite, unoriginal, and painfully unfunny.  So I've limited
myself to sharing it only in meatspace, where its spread can be
limited, and I only tell it after everyone present has sworn to never
record it in an electronic medium where it could spread without limit.

Forgive me for being sidetracked there; that brief fugue really
doesn't relate to my question.  I want to hear a joke that is both
funny and original (as I stated above, a very hard combination to find
because funny jokes tend to be spread and recycled until they're no
longer funny).  I will define "joke" as any image or piece of English
text created with the intent to amuse.  To be considered "funny", it
must meet one of the following requirements:

1.  Causes me to actually audibly laugh.
2.  Fills me with a sense of joviality and inspiration, even if it
doesn't provoke direct laughter.
3.  Leads me to remember it in a fond manner at somewhat regular
intervals throughout the next 24 hours.
4.  Tempts me to share it with friends, family, and loved ones.

To qualify as a satisfactory answer, you must provide me with at least
one joke that I have not heard before (in any form; old jokes reworded
for new events don't count as 'original') and meets one of the
requirements for 'funny' described above.  Linking to a page with
several jokes is acceptable if one of them qualifies, however please
don't link to pages with dozens or hundreds of old stale jokes on the
off chance that I might not have heard one of them here.

Good luck.

Hi,

I feel that I am up to this challenge as I too lament the loss of
original humor available and the advent of the web and jokey mailing
lists has made this all the worse. I have often found that asking
people in mixed and infamiliar company to tell you a joke can be a
great icebreaker and, at best, get everyone laughing as well as
helping me add to my personal joke repetoire. I submit for your
perusal four jokes [and one person] that I think are both funny and
somewhat unique in that I have told them to several people who had
never heard them before. They come from several different joke
families, so the variety should be somewhat helpful. Without further
ado

1. spoken word, play on words joke:

Q. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

2. shaggy dog story

Roy Rogers' Boots

One day Roy Rogers was passing the boot maker's shop when he noticed a
pair of boots in the window that were the most beautiful he had ever
seen. He entered the shop and told the proprietor that he must have
the
boots that were in the window. The proprietor said the boots were made
for someone else, but, if they fit Roy, he could have them and he
would
make a new pair for the other customer. So Roy proudly left the shop
wearing his new boots. However, on the way back to his ranch, it began
to rain and as he walked up to the ranch house, his new boots got all
muddy. He left them on the porch and entered the house. While he was
eating his dinner, a bob cat snuck up onto the porch and grabbed the
loops at the back of the boots in his mouth and ran off with both of
the
boots. Fortunately the cook saw the theft and called Roy. Roy was
livid. He whistled for Trigger and took off at a gallop after the bob
cat. A few hours later he returned with a dead bob cat across the
front
of his saddle. The once beautiful boots were hanging out of the saddle
bags. They were torn to shreads. As he rode up, the cook hailed Roy.
When the cowboy drew near the cook shouted, "Pardon me, Roy, is that
the
cat that chewed your new shoes?" 

3. wordplay, not totally arcane

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,

"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay
for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, 

"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:

"A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

4. puns -- some argue that all puns are bad puns, I disagree

Two eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan
coastline.  They were out there for a long time and they started
to get cold.  During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm
up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned.
Moral of the story:  you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
[source: http://www.cog.brown.edu/brochure/people/duchon/humor/puns.html
many good jokes here, in my opinion ]

5. comedians - I personally find Bill Hicks to be hilarious. He is
not, however, for everyone, and his jokes rarely translate very well
to print. He was quite a unique comedian [
http://www.billhicks.com/main/archive.html ]

And, since the aforementioned were all off the top of my head, I am
offering some additional places that may have humor that you are not
already privy to. You did not mention your nationality but many of
these archives are particular to a particular culture, some of the
humor may or may not apply to others outside of the culture.

Finnish Humor: http://www.netppl.fi/~findians/humour.html
Jamaican Humor: http://sookie.netfirms.com/yardie.htm
Cricket jokes: http://www.cricketjokes.com/

For input on what other people think is funny -- and perhaps how to
craft a good joke, you can see:

The Rinkworks "How to Be Funny page 
     http://rinkworks.com/funny/

Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor "What is Humor?" page
     http://www.aath.org/art_sultanoff01.html
     [note: thir resources page has NO jokes on it, I find that fairly
     amusing  myself]

National Lampoon does a regular "joke analysis" that is somewhat
absurdist, rehashing old jokes and making them in some way funny
again. Note: quite off color, only good i you like that sort f thing.
     [ http://www.nationallampoon.com/news/jokeofweekdefaultpar.asp ]

And if none of these strike your fancy, might I suggest including some
additional information such as whether you are looking for clean or
dirty jokes [or either] and what topics are basically out of the
running to be considered subjects of amusement. Thanks for


Google Searches Used:

"unusual jokes"
"unique jokes"
[specific phrases to get wording on included jokes]
"what is humor"
"what is funny"

#1:  I chuckled.  Very clever.
#2:  I believe I've heard it before, but it was still pretty funny.
#3:  Heard it quite a few times before, but still good.
#4:  I don't think I've heard it before. Somewhat amusing.

There wasn't anything life-changing here, but I got a kick out of them.  Thank you.

try www.theonion.com, especially the Society & People section

I hate it that I have to add disclaimers to jokes, but if _I'm_ not
allowed to make this joke, then it at least has historical merit:

A small plane carrying United Nations delegates was in trouble.
Throwing out all the baggage was not enough to save the plane. The
French ambassador stood up, said, "Vive la France," and jumped out the
door. Still too much weight. The English ambassador stood up, said,
"God save the Queen," and jumped out the door. Still too much weight.
A Texan stood up, said, "Remember the Alamo," and threw the Mexican
ambassador out the door.

Okay, maybe you _have_ heard it. I don't know, but it cracks me up on
so many levels, and I've never read it on any site or email.

No offense to Texans...

Cheers.

I think you would benefit from getting hold of some Aussie jokes from
Down Under, my part of the world. Our jokes tend to be different from
those in your part of the world but still funny to Americans,(I'm
presumimg you are american??), as I meet plenty living in a capital
city centarlly located 5 star hotel as I do. I suspect you also
created a GOOGLE-ANSWER record as the greatest words of text in a 
single question. .and how did you arive at $4.24?? rather than a whole
number,  or $4.25. Anyway we have lots of jokes also that concern
three types of people, one Aussie, one Texan and one other, usually
Irish or English but could be any nationality  depending on the story.
The Texan always brags about how big things are in Texas but of course
the aussie can always top his story. In fact one of our states, 
Western Australia,  is many times the size of Texas and bigger than
Alaska as well.

mayeb not a 'joke'. but it cracked ME up.
Here is a question asked by another google member.. read the answer and reply too!

https://answers.google.com/answers/main?cmd=threadview&id=13432

*** SNEAK PREVIEW of the new Star Wars film ***

Q:  How does Anakin Skywalker become Darth Vater?
A:  Anakin Skywalker begins his descent into the Dark Side when he
kills a Sith Lord in an Italian Restaurant.

Lines from key scenes:

"I know it was you, Jar Jar, and it breaks by heart."

"Leave the light saber.  Take the canolli."

Two cows in a field. One says "Moo!" The other says "Damn, I was going to say that."

I've heard the Yellow Flower joke a lot.

By the way, kattouf, that post was made by cm476, so I believe he
already knows about it

$4.24 was probably to make it easier to split it 75/25 -- $3.18 for
the researcher and $1.06 for Google; it comes out exactly.

Try
  http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0140502416/qid=1020852030/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/002-9151641-3081659
and scroll down to the reviews
or if the link doesn't work, search amazon.com for 'The Story About
Ping
by Marjorie Flack, Kurt Wiese'.

Aren't the best jokes the ones that are true?  I find that I can hold
my side laughing at my self and others doing just what we do best --
screwing up.  Check out www.etiquettehell.com and of course, the
Darwin Awards at www.darwinawards.com

Have fun!

First the record for longest question and now the record for  most
comments,12 all up.

Sorry  to be a nuisance but just had  to add this one to that supplied
already by researcher in regards the two eskimos who got cold.

  From  GOOGLE-ANSWERS reseracher
  Two eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan
coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get
cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but
tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the
story: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

            From me 
    Same two eskimos had two wives, one called Edith and the other
calle Kate. One eskimo was having an  afffair with the other  eskimo's
wife  on the side and got caught out and was  harpooned to death  by
the other eskimo.  Moral of the story is that you cant have your  Kate
and Edith too!!

There was a mad scientist that was so busy, he didn't know what to do.
He couldn't hire any help because of his eccentric ideas. So, he
decided to clone himself.

The cloning went well, but there was only one problem. The clone had a
foul mouth. The clone was quite a help to the scientist but he would
go all around town swearing at people -- and everyone thought it was
the mad scientist!

So, the mad scientist had to do away with the clone. He decided to
take him up to the top of a very large building and push him off. Make
it look like an accident.

At the top of the building, the mad scientist tried to push the clone
over the edge, but the clone recovered and they struggled and
struggled until the police arrived. They arrested the mad scientist.

Here's what they're charging him with: Trying to make an obscene clone
fall.

And there was the little old lady who was taken off the plane because
she had long sharp knitting needles. Furthermore, she was knitting an
AFGAN!

Bad, bad Leroy

    Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She
said, "Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?" After Leroy threw a temper
tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to
write a letter to Jesus.

 Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.
Your friend,
Leroy. 

     Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he
was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it
another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Leroy Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore
it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy
this year, and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy 

    Leroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what
his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was
deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in
the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about
the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents.
For the first time, he really considered his actions. Leroy finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt
down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy
finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all
the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out
the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:


Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me
a bike.
From,
You know who.

The last one was the best so far in this posting, regarding bad boy Leroy.

Immanuel Kant tell any funny joke.

Here is a link to the yellow flower joke:

http://www.ropesend.com/ropesend_jokes/j0273.html

Here is a clever one I've only heard once, so maybe you haven't heard
it.  However, you have to have a certain odd type of mentality to
appreciate it.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A bathtub full of brightly colored machine tools.

Light bulb jokes, from a former salesman:

Q: How many real estate salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten! (But I'm pretty sure we can get them down to eight)

Q: How many used car salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I can't say for certain until I've spoken to the manager, but I
think you'll be very happy...

Canadian wintertime humour (the only way to survive)

It's the middle of January.  The coldest one in 50 years (and in
Saskatchewan, that's saying something).  Two friends are sitting in
the bar, drinking, arguing over their vacation plans for the 247th
time.  Today is the beginning of their holidays, and they still
haven't decided where they're going.  Finally one of them stands up,
and says, "OK. Here's the thing.  We want to go someplace hot.  We
want to get as far away from Saskatchewan as we can get.  Let's get a
globe!"  So they procure a globe, and placing a finger on
Saskatchewan, they turn it over and look.  Australia seems to be as
far away from Saskatchewan as you can get, so they decide that's where
they're going.

So, still in their parkas and sealskin mitts, they head to the airport
and climb on a plane. The next day, they arrive in Sydney, well
lubricated thanks to the bar in 1st class.  They decide, just for
devilment, that they're going to fly (still in their parkas) to the
middle of the outback.  They want to see the looks on the locals'
faces when they walk into the local pub.

So, having made inquiries, they arrive in due course at Alice Springs.
 Leaving the airport, they have their bemused taxi driver take them to
a pub. There, they take a table, remove their sealskin mitts, and pull
back their hoods, and order a couple of pints.  Conversation in the
pub has come to a standstill, for the time being.  After some time,
and much elbowing, one of the local crowd weaves his way over to the
Canadians' table.

"G'day, mates!" he pipes up cheerily.  "This crowd of clowns at the
next table want to know where you're from."

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan" the Canadians replied.

The Aussie made his way back to his own table.  "So, where are they
from?" his friends demanded.  "I dunno," he replied.  "They didn't
speak English."

The yellow flower joke wasn't funny, but the Bad Boy Leroy was a winner!