I have terrible manners! At the dinner table, the bites I take are way
too big, so I have trouble talking while eating, and I tend to get
food on the front of my shirt. Instead of holding the door for people,
I rudely shove in front of them. When I run into two friends of mine
who don't know each other, I rarely introduce them to one another.
When I'm in a theatre or some other public setting where loud voices
are inappropriate, it rarely occurs to me to lower the volume of my
voice...

I think my problem is mainly that I'm in the habit of acting a certain
way, so it doesn't occur to me to act differently when I'm just going
about my daily routine, acting spontaneously. I've thought about using
simple tricks like a rubber band around my wrist just to remind me
that I'm supposed to be acting more gentlemanly. I thought I would ask
if of you had any insights into how to go about acquiring good
manners.

Greetings gremlin-ga:

You asked: 

"I thought I would ask if of you had any insights into how to go about
acquiring good manners."

First, I want to say that Pinkfreud's suggestion is marvelous. Is
there anyone more considerate and tactful than Angela Lansbury? So do
choose a role model.

I agree with you that your problem may go a bit deeper than lack of
etiquette. I suspect that, like me, you have ADHD (Attention Deficit
with Hyperactivity Disorder), a condition that doesn't necessarily
magically subside after childhood. We "ADDers" are often "outed" in
social situations because we are simply overwhelmed by stimuli.

We are often guilty of talking too loudly, interrupting others,
sometimes appearing oblivious, and violating the "personal space"
rule, among other sins. The fact that you eat too fast and often rush
through a door without holding it open for others -- even though you
know these are unattractive traits -- further suggests ADHD. Do you
feel like you have an internal motor; a constant need to rush, move
along, hurry up; that you are always impulsive? Do you often have
trouble focusing, but at other times "hyperfocus": become completely
one-track minded?

If you think you may have ADD, I strongly recommend you read DRIVEN TO
DISTRACTION by psychiatrists Edward Hallowell and John Ratey.
(Paperback: Touchstone Books; Reprint edition: March 1995.):
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684801280/qid=1042551496/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/103-5286609-9063016

And/or it's sequel: ANSWERS TO DISTRACTION  by Hallowell and Ratey.
(Bantam Books: April 1996.)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/055337821X/qid=1042551449/sr=2-2/ref=sr_2_2/103-5286609-9063016

I have also read and can recommend:

YOU MEAN I'M NOT LAZY, STUPID, OR CRAZY?! A SELF-HELP BOOK FOR ADULTS
WITH ADD by Kate Kelly, Peggy Ramundo, and Larry B. Silver. (Contains
lots of helpful tips on behavior modification.) (Paperback: Fireside;
Reprint edition: January 1996.)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684815311/qid=1042552201/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5286609-9063016?v=glance&s=books

A book recommended by many fellow "ADDers" is
ADVENTURES IN FAST FORWARD [sound familiar?!] by Kathleen G. Nadeau.
(Paperback: Brunner/Mazel Trade, May 1996.)

I've given you the Amazon.com links, but you can find many of these
same books at Barnes & Noble or other book dealers. There's also your
local library and inter-library loan. As long as you're shopping, or
browsing the public library, you may want to pick up these highly
recommended etiquette guides:

MISS MANNERS' GUIDE TO EXCRUCIATINGLY CORRECT BEHAVIOR (see the
chapter on table manners) by Judith Martin (out of print), which you
can buy used at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0446386324/ref=pd_sim_books_4/103-5286609-9063016?v=glance&s=books

THE AMY VANDERBILT COMPLETE BOOK of ETIQUETTE by Nancy Tuckerman,
Nancy Dunnan, and Amy "Etiquette" Vanderbilt. (Doubleday: February
1995.)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0385413424/ref=pd_sim_books_4/103-5286609-9063016?v=glance&s=books#product-details

Using the search string "good manners advice adults," I found two
comprehensive, helpful sites:

Good Manners -- Your Way (affiliated with THE LADIES' HOME JOURNAL) by
Deborah Pike:
http://www.lhj.com/lhj/printableStory.jhtml?storyid=/templatedata/lhj/story/data/16174.xml

Rude Busters!
http://www.rudebusters.com/Etiqet-M.htm

Using the search string "understanding adult ADD"

I found this comprehensive site for ADDA (Attention Deficit Disorder
Association), run by ADD expert Kate Kelly. This site offers tons of
info and links, plus listings for ADD support groups:
http://www.add.org/content/group/kate1.htm

Only a doctor or qualified therapist can officially diagnose you with
ADD or ADHD. But many ADDers do accurately self-diagnose themselves
after reading materials about adult ADD. If you recognize yourself in
reading about the topic, you may want to seek professional help for
behavior modification. Please understand that ADD is not a character
flaw; it's a genetically caused neurobiological condition.

Basically, you know what you're doing wrong and what you need to
correct. Good for you! It takes a big person to admit his/ her faults!
The above books can help you modify your behavior. It's up to you to
keep monitoring yourself to make sure you're maintaining the good
social skills you've striven to achieve. I have a feeling you're going
to do just fine.

I hope you find the above information helpful.

Regards,
nancylynn-ga

---

Clarification of Answer by nancylynn-ga on 14 Jan 2003 06:45 PST

Sorry -- I neglected to give you the Amazon link for the book
ADVENTURES IN FAST FORWARD:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0876308000/qid%3D1042555464/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/103-5286609-9063016

I have a simple trick that I've used for years. I find it helpful to
pretend that I am someone else, someone who has impeccable manners.
When I am called upon to be mannerly, I ask myself, "What would Angela
Lansbury do?" ...and I act accordingly.

Obviously this works best if you choose a person whose manners and
style you admire, someone with class. It probably wouldn't improve
things much if you asked yourself "What would Tom Green do?"

Most people probably notice your behavior (unless you live in the
northeast) and are simply not inclined to put themselves out to help
you. You appearently know what behaviors are appropriate and what
isn't- so your problem is that you have not internalized these rules
into your everyday life.

Purchase a electonic dog training collar, stap it to you ankle, and
give the remote to whomever is in your immediate company at the time
and ask them to give you a "reminder" when you are acting "like a
dog".

Thank you gremlin-ga for the very nice rating! I'm glad I could help you.

Regards,
nancylynn-ga

I would suggest it is not ADHD - but Aspergers Syndrome. It sounds
more like Aspergers Syndrome. (It could be ADHD and AS - or I could
just be wrong). If it is - you are born that way and there is very
little you can do consciously about it. For more information on
Aspergers Syndrome try reading Aspergers Syndrome: For parents and
professionals by Dr. Tony Attwood. You could also try some of the
sites listed here - http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/

Hello level80-ga:

You wrote:    
"I would suggest it is not ADHD - but Aspergers Syndrome. It sounds
more like Aspergers Syndrome . . ."
 
Someone with Aspergers would be oblivious to their faults (they have
practically no self-perception), whereas gremlin-ga is very aware of
what he/she is doing wrong. Also, gremlin-ga's self-described problems
are indicative of a need to rush (eating too fast, interrupting) and
that's in-line with ADHD.

People with Aspergers (for example, Bill Gates is believed to have
Aspergers), don't so much interrupt, but drone, often in a monotone,
and they tend to be fixated on about 1 -- 3 topics total. One thing
these neuro-biological disorders have in common is a poor ability to
read social cues. Neither condition can be fully cured (and Aspergers
is far more serious & far more isolating condition), but cognitive &
behavorial therapy can help. Just the same, your suggestion is a
worthy one and I would encourage gremlin-ga to read the link you
provided -- even if just for the sake of comparison.

Sincerely,
nancylynn-ga

Understanding the benefits of good manners would probably be a start.
Try "The Etiquette Advantage in Business" by Post