Hi Qpet~
Not surprisingly, most of the information out there on the subject of
arguing and the end of relationships deals specifically with marriage.
However, as you look at the information I've compiled, I think you'll
find that it applies readily to almost any relationship (except,
perhaps, the relationship between a child and an adult).
The good news is, the experts tell us, that it matters not how often a
couple argues. The key is *how* a couple argues. "The hallmarks of
couples headed for trouble...are hurtful ways of arguing and
withdrawal during problem conversation," says Scott Stanley, PhD,
psychologist ("Promoting Marriage as Welfare Policy," by Jane
Koppelman, NHPF Issue Brief,
://www.google.com/search?q=cache:3amzBBta-8AC:www.nhpf.org/pdfs_ib/IB770_Marriage_2-15-02.pdf+arguing+frequency+marriage+statistics&hl=en&ie=UTF-8
)
Hostility is a major warning sign that arguing has phased from the
normal to the harmful. "Fighting style is very much an indicator of
whether a relationship will last, agrees Sybil Carrere, PhD, a
research psychologist...After observing couples argue, Carrere and her
co-researchers found, they could predict divorce among newlyweds based
on the first three minutes of an argument. Couples who ultimately
divorced were more likely to start the dialogue with an attack on
their partner's character, says Carrere. Something like: You never
tell me what is going on. You always hold in everything..." ("Is Your
Marriage Bliss, or Miss?" by Kathleen Doheny, WebMD Feature,
http://webmd.lycos.com/content/article/14/1687_50885? )
This is the consensus among experts, who claim that if a couple argues
in an unhealthy manner, their marriage will fail within the first 2 to
5 years. Most studies show physiologists can predict this with 80 to
95 percent accuracy.
Therefore, it seems that close relationships without any arguments are
something of a fairy tale. Any relationship (in or outside of
marriage) deals with two very different people--no matter what they
may have in common. Unless one person in the relationship allows
themselves to be walked upon frequently (which is not the same as
lovingly letting go of unimportant or less important issues), there
will be disagreements. The trick, then, is to make sure these
disagreements lead to progress, not retrogress.
In fact, disagreements can lead to a better understand of each other
and a stronger relationship overall. For a good article on this topic,
try: http://www.wholefamily.com/aboutyourmarriage/columns/drtobin/fair_fight.html
Fortunately bad arguing habits can be changed, as long as both parties
are willing. Here are some tips I've gleaned from experts on how to
argue "well."
1. Although it may be prudent to not fight over every little thing,
don't hold back too much. Pinning up your emotions will make you
resentful, and ultimately you'll burst and have the argument to end
all arguments.
2. Choose a good time. Don't bring up an argument at a family party,
just before bed, etc. Choose a time when you can *both* deal with the
issue.
3. Don't discount the other person's thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Don't say or think "That's silly; I never meant it that way" or "What
a ridiculous way to think!" Whether or not your meant it that way,
that was how it was taken. And even when *you* wouldn't think that
way, clearly the other person does, and it's a serious matter for
them.
4. Don't bring up unrelated or old issues. Focus on the problem at
hand.
5. Don't accuse. Instead of saying, "You always leave all the
housework for me to do!" say, "It really hurts my feelings when you
leave huge messes behind for me to clean. It makes me feel like your
maid, not your mate." Also avoid criticizing the other person for
unrelated matters. Adding that they are also a lousy dad or
businessman won't help matters at all.
6. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, too.
7. Don't get out of control. Yelling and screaming make it more
difficult to communicate.
8. Admit it--to the other person--when you are partially or wholly to
blame.
9. Be open to suggestions and willing to compromise.
10. State your point of view as clearly as possible, then stop and
*listen* to the other person. Do not interrupt them.
For some ground rules about how to argue without hurting, try "Arguing
Rules": http://www.queendom.com/articles/love/arguing_rules.html
and "How To Argue Effectively:"
http://www.bharatmatrimony.com/articles/argeffect.shtml
Another helpful article is "Arguing Isn't Always Bad:"
http://www.charisma.net/strang/nm/stories/ny197115.htm
and "Improving Communication Between Mates:"
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/mates/cx.htm
Hope this helps!
kriswrite
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