How can I overcome an 18 year obsession with soft-core pornography and
it's attendant behavior?  It stunts my social life in too many ways to
count, interfers with my short and long-term goals, and is at serious
odds with my conservative and religious upbringing (both of which I
wish to embrace).  I've tried therapy, anti-depressants, meaningful
consultation with well-intentioned clergy, and, not the least, prayer.
 Nothing has produced permanent change and I'm starting to lose hope.

The private nature of my real problem and the absence of visible,
credible help makes me hesitant and suspicious of reaching out.  I
believe, however, there must be groups, books, how-to information, and
other things I haven't considered out there which are free from
pop-psychology or psycho-babble and sensitive to my Christian
background.  Of course I'm keenly aware that the best solutions in the
world won't work if I'm not commited to change.

A good answer would avoid simplistic or feel-good ideas.  It would
include links to groups or literature which offer hope with my
infrequently discussed problem.  And it would address my desire to
affect a long-term change, not just a quick fix.  I hope for
substance, not fluff.

Unfortunately I live abroad in a somewhat rural town in Korea where
the numbers of native English-speaking helps are scarce but I suppose
not absent.

lousi3K...

Thank you for your question.  You have made a very important step in
admitting that you have a problem with your addiction to pornography. 
I am not here to pass judgement as any type of addiction can be
extremely difficult on a person without being condemned or judged.  I
hope in my answer I am able to get you in the right direction in
regards to regaining control of that aspect of your life and allow you
to fullfill that commitment to change that you refer to in your
question.

There are several resources on the internet that deal with
pornography.  In researching my answer, it became obvious that many of
them are religious in nature.  You mentioned that you are looking to
embrace your religious upbringing, so I have included both religious
and non-religious based resources for you to utilize.

Prior to looking for a resolution, you need to first understand the
problem.  Unlike alcoholism, drug addiction or any of the other more
"well known" addictions, pornography addiction is a very private,
secret addiction.  People who seek help for alcohol addiction have
support groups and taking that first step of admitting alcohol abuse,
typically, does not result in ridicule, condemnation, or any other
negative feelings from friends and family.  It is looked at as a
brave, first step.  However, most people cannot go to their family or
friends and say "I am addicted to pornography".  The typical answer
would be "So, stop looking at it".  It isn't easy for people to
understand a non-chemical dependency or addiction.  That does not in
any way make it any less real or any less painful for those with the
addiction.  A study showed that pornography consumption can be as mood
altering and as addictive as narcotics.   The first thing I would
recommend is to read some testimonials from people just like yourself
who have this addiction in order to realize that you are not alone
with this addiction.  Visit
http://boardserver.mycomputer.com/list.html?u=lightwave&f=1 which is
support board for pornography addicts.  You can read postings there
from people who are addicted and have overcome their addiction.  You
can read from people, such as yourself, who want to take that first
step, but don't know where to turn.  They come from all walks of life,
from all over the world, yet they all share a common bond in an
addiction that they want to beat. "MSNBC.com (www.msnbc.com), the
number one Internet news site, has announced the results of its 2000
Online Cybersex Survey.  The survey results show that almost one in 10
respondents indicate they are addicted to sex and the Internet. Dr.
Alvin Cooper, clinical director of the San Jose Marital Services and
Sexuality Centre in San Jose, Calif., conducted the online poll,
believed to be the largest Internet study of online sexuality to date.
The survey, conducted during June 2000, received responses from over
38,000 users and found that people who engage in online sexual
activities are spending a substantial amount of time on these pursuits
to break away from their daily routines, explore fantasies, relieve
stress and spice up their sex lives. MSNBC website surveys are
self-selected and unscientific, not the random samples utilized by
polling organizations."-National Coalition for the Protection of
Childrean and Families
[http://www.nationalcoalition.org/stat.phtml?ID=53]

Now that you know you are not alone with your addiction, the next step
is overcoming that addiction.  You have made efforts in the past and
that is a very good indicator that you want to regain control and that
you simply need some guidance and direction from those who understand
and can help.  There are several books available that address sexual
addictions of all types.  You can see a list of recommended reading at
http://www.no-porn.com/books.html  Of those, "The White Book" should
be your first read as it addresses sexual addictions like any chemical
addiction with a 12-step program to help you try and get a handle on
your addiction.  To give you an idea of the power of this book, here
is a review on it from Amazon.com:

"This is the one. As the host of a web site on "Breaking Pornography
Addiction" I have read dozens of books on sex addiction. This book is
the one I most often recommend when corresponding with sex addicts.
Not only does it provide very simple information on the Sexaholics
Anonymous 12-Step program, it provides (I believe) the most honest,
most perceptive and most effective insights on recovery from sex
addiction ever written. Any person who honestly seeks to understand
their own addiction, who might feel alone in their recovery, and is
looking for a way out, may welcome the fellowship of those who have
already walked the road and who have shared their experience here. And
unlike many other books on this subject, this one is extremely
readable"
Amazon.com: Books: Sexaholics Anonymous
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/096228873X/103-0808476-0939818

There are several online support groups available for those with this
addiction.  I have listed several below.  Those marked with an C are
religious based support.

http://www.porn-free.org/
C
Offers an online addiction recovery course, support forums and links
to additional resources to help overcome your addiction

Fires of Darkness
http://www.firesofdarkness.com/
C
Great collection of articles and resources

Understanding Sexual Addications
http://www.understandingsexualaddiction.org/
Has both religious and non-religious recovery programs, free
assesments of the severity of your addictions as well as newsletters. 
A first rate, non-judgemental resource

SexHelp.com
http://www.sexhelp.com/
Another non-religious site that provides forums and resources for
support

Sex Addicts Anonymous
http://www.sexaa.org/
Exactly what the title states.  Resources, meeting locations and more
information

Now, another step you could take, which may be very helpful with the
remote area you are in, is a program called Covenant Eyes.  Based on
Job 31:1 "I have made a convenant with my eyes", this a resource that
you voluntarily use to track usage of your computer.  It provides
accountability for your internet usage.  They track your internet
usage and once a week, month, whenever you like, they provide a report
to your "accountability partner" which is one or two people that you
have accountability to, that you tell you need their help.  Covenenant
Eyes keeps track of your internet visits, so you cannot erase them
from your computer.  If you have someone that you can choose for an
accountability partner, this may a very good program for you to truly
learn your use of pornography.

Thanks again for your question and I truly hope that the information I
have provided helps you regain control of this part of your life and
that I have been able to at least get you in the right direction
towards overcoming this addiction.  If you need any additional
clarification, please let me know prior to rating my answer.

I wish you luck and God bless!


Regards,
-THV

Search Strategy:
addiction to pornography

I thank you for your prompt answer.  It was caring and thorough.  I
especially appreciated the attention to both religious and
non-religious sites, as well as the attempt to include more than just
a laundry-list of self-help web sites.  Surely there is more help and
information to be found but your answer appears to be a superb
starting point.  Thank you.

Dear:
I know how hard it is to get rid of this addiction. I KNOW HOW HARD. I
CAN FEEL IT WHILE WRITING THIS BECAUSE In the past, I have volunteered
to work with persons with such addiction and I personally know a
friend who had been addicted to such a matter. He tried all of the
stuff that you tried but no success and he was just like you who
wanted to get rid of it because it conflicted with his religious
beliefs and his own belief of a healthy lifestyle.
MY DEAR only those who are addicted know how is it like. THEREFORE to
tell you the truth that from the experience that I have gained from
working with good guys like you (who want to get rid of it) is that
there is nothing in the world that is hundred percent effective. You
will have to go through the pain ----FEEL IT INSIDE YOUR BODY. Endure
the suffering and only then you can purify your soul. I KNOW THESE ARE
JUST THE WORDS WHICH HAVENT BEEN EFFECTIVE FOR YOU AND FOR OTHERS. BUT
let me finish this by telling you that the day you feel the intense
pain ( I mean excruciating pain) and come out of it. The day you will
take the first step in a long journey towards peace (a real nice
peace).GOOD LUCK.

Note: Please pardon my language if you will. 
Sincerely,
Someone who really cares about you.