Apologies in advance for the vagueness of this question, if it doesn't
ring a bell/set off a lightbulb, I'm not sure how you'd go about
searching for it...

I'm looking for a story/paragraph/kinda joke/witty insight about
lawyers that goes *something* like this (emphasis on something, I
really can't remember (as you'll soon see) much at all about this):

-My client wasn't speeding
-Even if he was speeding, it was because the speed limit wasn't
visible
-Even if it was visible, he was rushing his wife to the hospital to
have a baby
-Even if she wasn't pregnant, he still had to get to the hospital
-Even if there was no hospital ...
-Etc.

It's the *gist* of the story that I'm looking for - the speeding was a
complete fabrication on my part, and could have been "killed someone,"
"robbed a bank," whatever.  The point being that no matter what
objection the judge might come up with, the lawyer has already thought
of that and has an explanation.

Again, I can't recall the details, but I know I've seen something like
this that was fairly clever.

Good luck!

Craig

I remember reading something about a renowned Texas criminal defense
lawyer named Richard "Racehorse" Haynes. Haynes explained how, in
defending a client against a criminal charge, he never relied on just
a single defense argument. Haynes' explanation of his method went
something like this:

"Let's say that your neighbor sues you, claiming that your dog bit him
at such-and-such a time and place. I will place three arguments before
the jury, as follows: Number one, my client's dog doesn't bite. Number
two, my client and his dog were seen at a far-distant event on the day
of the alleged bite. And, number three . . . my client doesn't have a
dog!"

I'm not an official Google Answers Researcher, but I think this is
what you're looking for. Here are a few variations of "the case of the
kettle":

--------
My uncle Bill, a lawyer by profession, told me about the "cracked pot
rule" of law.

The scenario is this. Our client was in a room with a precious pot.
When he entered the room, the pot was fine. When he left the room, the
pot was cracked.

Now the way my uncle tells it, the lawyer can, and should, argue three
possible situations and even though they're contradictory, should do
all of them simultaneously.

1) The pot was already cracked when the client entered the room. 
2) The pot never cracked, and the people who say so don't know what
they're talking about.
3) The pot cracked, but my client had nothing to do with it. 

Source: http://www.zinger.org/hypermail/cstrike/Aug02/2624.html

--------
Readers who've been to law school may remember the chestnut known as
the "Case of the Kettle." A man is charged with borrowing a kettle and
breaking it. His reply is that, first, he never borrowed it; second,
it was already broken when he borrowed it; third, it was intact when
he returned it. The technique is called “arguing in the alternative."

Source: http://www.manhattan-institute.org/html/research_memorandum_4.htm

--------
This statement is highly suggestive of the celebrated kettle plea: --

1. Our client never borrowed the kettle; 
2. It was cracked when he borrowed it; 
3. It was whole when he returned it.

Source: http://www.gospeltruth.net/Antinomianism/antinom-chap4.htm

--------
An old lawyer joke: 

"Your Honor, I will show first, that my client never borrowed the Ming
vase from the plaintiff; second, that he returned the vase in perfect
condition; and third, that the crack was already present when he
borrowed it."

Source: http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/Relativity/SR/TwinParadox/twin_vase.html

--------
From these statements, it is evident that we have a real Tennessee
lawyer's client's case on hand...
"1st, that he never borrowed any tea-kettle." ...
"2nd, that it was broke when he borrowed it."...
"3rd, that it was whole when he returned it." 

Source: http://home1.gte.net/dbroadhu/RESTOR/Lib/StH1877a.htm

--------
That last source is The Saints' Herald of Plano, Illinois, February
15, 1877!
So the joke is at least that old.

--ravuri-ga

This is an actual defense I had to listen to during vacation: "I
didn't break in the camping trailer and take money from the wallet.
The wallet was empty anyway."

Was He Dead?

An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you
signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

"No," the coroner replied.

"Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?"

The coroner answered, "No."

"Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the attorney.

Again the coroner replied, "No."

"Ah," the attorney said, "So when you signed the death certificate you
had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back "Counselor, at the time I
signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on
my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out
there practicing law somewhere."

I've heard a funny story in which a suspect responds to police with
this sort of thing:

"It wasn't me."

"I wasn't even there."

"Or if I was there, I didn't do anything."

"But if I did do anything, I didn't kill that guy."

"Even if I did kill that guy, it was an accident."

"And if it wasn't an accident, the bastard deserved it, and besides,
nobody saw anything."

"Well, if somebody did see something, then it wasn't me, because I
wasn't even there."