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Q: Boyfriend can easily be without me now ( Answered,   6 Comments )
Subject: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
Category: Miscellaneous
Asked by: isis12-ga
List Price: $2.00
Posted: 06 Apr 2003 14:57 PDT
Expires: 06 May 2003 14:57 PDT
Question ID: 186930
At the end of August, I started talking to a wonderful man (who was
wild about me. We talked for hours almost every night.  We had indepth
great conversations and loved communicating.  When we dated (3 or 4
times it was great).  But then when he started to see that I really
like him too he backed away and did not really need to talk or see me
anymore. What happened?
Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
Answered By: j_philipp-ga on 06 Apr 2003 20:33 PDT
Hello Isis12,

From the information given by you it seems the man was not willing to
commit to you. It could be the relationship he was looking for was on
a platonic, not a romantic level -- this would explain why you two had
great, in-depth conversations, but further bonding failed.

It just so happens that sometimes (this is true for both men and
women), a relationship starts to cool down before it takes off when
one party realizes that the other party is very much willing to take
it further. These are issues of ego and self-esteem, as well as what
you might call the effect of hunter instincts -- the romantic idea of
conquering the other's heart. Once love is won, there might be less
motivation to go and take the next step: true commitment and loyalty
within a relationship.

Think of it this way; when you want something very bad, your mind is
busy thinking about ways of how to get it. It is so busy that after a
while you might forget why you wanted it in the first place! But as
soon as you got it, this will very much be an issue again: "Now that I
got what I wanted, what do I do? What do I have? Where do I take it?
Is the path of loyalty I want to go as excitingly wonderful as the act
of conquering?"

The reverse side-effect of all this is that the more he tries to
escape the relationship, the more you might feel that you like him.
Ask yourself if you are longing for a future that was only perfect in
your imagination -- one that very likely, to see it realistically,
could never have taken place because of the feelings of the man.

It is also a possibility the man you were dating only later realized
he didn't fit with you as much as he thought before. As long as you
were yourself when you were with him, this is not your fault, nor is
it his -- some people just don't go together well. Even if you felt
affectionate to him, in the long run, quite naturally love means two
people in love with each other, as opposed to adoration from one side
Maybe the man realized that taking the relationship further, from
platonic to romantic, would be unfair -- to keep you as a friend, when
you want more. Because in the long run, this would hurt you. Even if
he originally would have liked you to be his friend, or exactly
because of this, he might now have been sensible and knowledgeable
enough to take a step back.

Give yourself time, and don't push yourself onto him, and into a
relationship that may be bound to fail in the long run. Being in love
with someone who doesn't return the love can be very painful -- much
like a black hole it will only eat your energy and give nothing in
return. You need to love yourself first, for who you are, and don't
depend on his feelings too much. Give yourself time. Try not to
stumble into a rebound, looking for the same things in a different
man. Give yourself time, and maybe he gets back to you, then you can
give it another try (without rushing into things, or hoping too much).
Or it might happen you meet a new man, one who likes you just as much
as you like him!

It would seem to make sense to advice you to try to be a friend with
him for now, but in real life, this rarely works out well. You will
only be exposed to pain whenever you show your true emotions. You
therefore not only couldn't be yourself anymore when with him, you
would also be kept from other possible relationships because you are
still hoping, waiting, longing. I therefore suggest to not see the man
for a while. There's no need to forget him and what you two had as it
is part of your past. But any romantic feelings you might have now
will naturally fade away some time soon.

Talk to your friends; go out. (From what I heard it also helps to eat
ice-cream.) Also, be introspective; look into your own feelings,
reflect on what happened, and if you ponder wether or not to try to
meet him again (wether to try winning his heart, or giving up on it),
make your choice; better sooner than later. But enjoy life: friends,
family, work, hobbies, sports, dancing, music, and what not -- and
don't be too sad about the way things went.

I hope this helps, and wish you best of luck in the future!
Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
From: robertskelton-ga on 06 Apr 2003 15:07 PDT
For a definitive answer, can you make available to us a transcript of
all your conversations, plus in-depth bios for each of you, and
Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
From: nancylynn-ga on 06 Apr 2003 15:31 PDT
Hello isis12-ga:

This is an all-too familiar story: the man (sometimes it's the woman)
who can't commit!

Or, it may be that you are a little too needy and overbearing, even
though your affection is genuine.

I can't say what exactly happened or whose fault it is, or if it was,
in the words of that old song, "Just One of Those Things." But I can
suggest some books that may help you get through your hurt and

You may want to read John Gray's MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM
VENUS. Though often ridiculed as "pop psychology," it offers some
excellent insights on why men and women behave very differently in
romantic relationships.

I also suggest you check out "Men Can Be Bastards," a list of books
and videos that help heal a broken heart, while providing guidance
and/or laughs. The list was compiled by "1moonchild1, a bitter
goddess" and can be read at, at:

It recommends such serious books as "Don't Take It Personally!: The
Art of Dealing With Rejection" by Elayne Savage; and humorous works
like "How to Heal the Hurt by Hating" by Anita Liberty, that will help
you laugh and dry your tears.

This is a situation most of us have been in. It's very painful and,
often, we never do learn why a person who seemed to care very deeply,
suddenly walked away.

Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
From: houstonguy-ga on 06 Apr 2003 18:48 PDT
I'll add a comment here and just as an FYI you can take it or leave it
or like it or not, it won't be popular, in any event.

It seems like men(I'm a man by the way) are conquerer's.  They want
their cake and some other cake too.  It sounds horrible I know. I'm no
psycholigist or anything else in the psycho-whatever field. Just
throwing an opinion at ya.

And as bad as this may sound I have(personally) done the same thing
although not premeditated.  I have dated a girl and worked my hardest
at 'capturing her heart', then once captured(as in the
feelings/emotions dept.) not followed up after I found that she was
'interested'. Like I said before this wasn't all premeditated. I think
A LOT of men want to really get thier hooks in a woman, and in hooks I
mean emotions. I will say this in defense of this scenerio, a lot of
men, really feel emotionally attached to a woman, then get dumped. It
seems to me that it's a race to see who can dump who first(which
sucks!!!). This seems to be because of one person(male or female in
the relationship, having past horrifying relationships so everyone is
'gunshy'). Heaven forbid your feelings for your partner get too strong
and then, boom him or her is out of there.  I really don't think there
is an answer for what happened to you, unless a psycologist or
psychiatrist(sp?) is available. I think it's a fact of life type
thing. Maybe I have a weird view of things, which is possible! Take it
for what it's worth.

Good Luck
Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
From: johnfrommelbourne-ga on 07 Apr 2003 02:09 PDT
...... also of value maybe a glean of the article/esay written
recently by a lady in the USA( cant remember her name) who titled her
work either exactly as follows or very similar to this) "COMMITTMENT;
Every woman wants it but a man cant even spell the word"

 Which is pretty much the case from what I can see. The world is now
too accessable with cheap airfares and a million things to do( GA as
one tiny tiny example) that were not there years ago. Why would a man
tie himself up with a woman in this world of globalised friends and
communication, casual sex easily available without strings, computers,
travel etc etc. There is simply no  compelling reason to as there was
in the 50s 60s etc when none of the above existed and to live alone
was not practical.  The same does not apply to women it seems.
Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
From: nancylynn-ga on 07 Apr 2003 06:18 PDT
j_philipp-ga is so right: ice cream really does help! (I rely heavily
on "Moose Tracks" ice cream myself, in the darker hours of life.)If
you don't like ice cream, go out and buy yourself a small mountain of
chocolate. (The really good stuff too.)

Indulge yourself: Spend some time laughing with your girlfriends. Rent
some of your favorite feel-good movies. Take some nice long
bubble-baths. Just spoil yourself a little -- you'll feel better!

Subject: Re: Boyfriend can easily be without me now
From: intotravel-ga on 23 Aug 2003 14:08 PDT
Recently, I saw again the movie, "Life, or Something Like It," with
Angelina Jolie and Edward Burns ... and there's a comment made in the
movie by a sports star to his 'star reporter' girlfriend .... He says
something like this:  What I really liked about this relationship was
that we didn't have to have any of these "us" conversations.

The movie, by the way, doesn't support this point of view, but I think
there's a lot to be said for *not* having "us" conversations. I know
they're dramatic, or maybe melodramatic, but they're not really fun.
Aren't a lot of them about controlling, or 'influencing,' how the
other person behaves? Like expecting extra attentiveness 'cos you're
'in a relationship,' doors being opened, or even a bit more attention
than other people in a group conversation.

So in this situation, the communication can go from being fun and
relaxed and friendly and meaningful to actually being straitened
(constrained) by rules and regulations, all perhaps based on some old
movie or some fairy story that's playing in our heads, and has got
nothing at all to do with the present moment. And then it's no longer
fun any more. The original relationship, the fun times together, has
totally disappeared, and been replaced by something which is not an

.... This is just another point of view. I know we generalize a lot
about 'men' and 'women,' and then expect all behavior to fall into
these categories, but it's ... so limiting. And what happens does
reflect our expectations and judgements, so maybe it's the thoughts
that need to change, rather than the other person / or the situation.

Blessings, and love. x x x x x

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