I have a friend who is divorced, and she has a daughter with her
ex-husband. She has custody of the girl, but the judge has ordered the
girl to visit her father for several weeks. The girl does not want to
go: she is terrified and has nightmares and crying fits at the thought
of this trip. The judge has not been receptive to this, and has
apparently refused a request by the daughter to meet with him and
explain her wishes.

What I would like to find out is what options there are in this
situation, to keep the girl from having to do what she doesn't want to
do. Perhaps a higher court, or another judge, or some third party
agency?

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Request for Question Clarification by tehuti-ga on 11 May 2003 16:52 PDT

To what country does your question refer?

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Clarification of Question by mtouchprod-ga on 11 May 2003 17:33 PDT

to clarify, this situation is in the USA, Florida specifically.

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Clarification of Question by mtouchprod-ga on 12 May 2003 07:01 PDT

Actually, to clarify a little further, it was explained to me that
although they live in Florida now, the case is being handled in
Indiana where they lived previously, and the husband lives now.

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Request for Question Clarification by tutuzdad-ga on 06 Jun 2003 17:30 PDT

What age is the child?

tutuzdad-ga

I wonder if a Doctor's report would be helpful?

Or a Psychiatrist's?

It can't be doing the girl any good, as it is.

Since you are a friend of the mother, and have likely only heard
matters from her side, you may not be open to the information I'd like
to share with you.  However, unless this child's father is known to be
clearly abusive, I believe the court is doing the right thing in
ordering visitation, despite the girls's resistance, which is
obviously reinforced and supported by her mother.  There is a strong
likelihood this girl is suffering from what has been identified as
Parental Alienation Syndrome.  It is a complex behavior, but what you
are describing rings all kinds of alarm bells.  I know you mean well,
but please do check out the following links before you take any action
that may further harm this child's relationship with her father.

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-cartwright.htm
http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/tfer03.htm

Also, just for your information, I'm a woman in my mid-fifties.  I've
been divorced for a dozen years, and have a good and loving
relationship with both my (grown) children, who in turn have a good
relationship with their father, a situation I've tried very hard to
reinforce and support all these years.  I also have a decent and civil
relationship with their father, and we have both tried very hard since
the divorce to never put the children in the middle of our problems. 
From something my youngest son said recently, I think we've succeeded
fairly well.  However, I do know a man, whose heart is broken and
breaking every day, who loves his children dearly, but who is a victim
of the Parental Alienation Syndrome as described in the links I've
given you. His is a complicated situation, but I suspect the one you
have knowledge of and describe here is likely no less complex.  Please
be very careful of what you say and do.  It's very easy to see only
one side in these matters.

All the best,
--Byrd

In response to the comment about the possibility of parental
alienation, for further clarification, there has been abuse,
unfortunately undocumented, but I don't feel comfortable going into
the details in this format. I appreciate the point of view offered,
but for the sake of this discussion I'd like the researchers to assume
that I'm correct in wanting to help the daughter stay away from her
father.

Dear mtouchprod-ga,

Accepting your assumption that you are correct in wanting to help your
friend's daughter stay away from her father . . .

This kind of situation is heartbreaking for the non-abusive parent,
because they feel powerless to act in what they believe to be the best
interests of the child.  It also destroy's the child's belief that
their parent can protect them.  An all-around bad dynamic.

You did not say how old the daughter is.  The older she is, the more
likely a judge is to give her a chance to express her own point of
view.

Let me outline some issues, with suggested links for further research:

1.  Your friend cannot use the previous abuse as justification for
resisting a visit unless she is willing to report that abuse.  Under
Indiana law, a child who is alleged to have been abused is entitled to
services from the state:
http://www.pcain.org/InfoOnAbuse/laws.htm
The danger in reporting abuse is that the State of Indiana (like any
other state) will have great difficulty determining the truth of the
situation.  If the State believes there has been abuse, but is
uncertain which parent has been the abuser (and cross accusations are
common), they may put the child into foster care.  This is the reason
that so many women who have been abused are reluctant to report that
their chidren have also been abused – they are afraid they will lose
their children.

2.  Many states allow the appointment of a Child Advocate to represent
the child’s interests – as distinct from the parents’ interests – in
court.  This person may be a trained lay person or an attorney.  It is
also possible for a child to be represented by their own attorney.  I
did not research Indiana law on this issue, but you might try
contacting “Prevent Child Abuse Indiana” at 317-634-9282.  They
probably know.
  http://www.pcain.org/WhatIsPCA/index.html   
You might also look at CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates):
  http://www.nationalcasa.org/
CASA has an excellent reputation. 
And here is another site explaining what a Child Advocate is:
 http://www.childadvocate.net/

3.  I have known several parents who have gone to court and obtained
sole legal and physical custody of their children, with the other
parent’s legal rights being irrevocably terminated.  Courts across the
country are extremely reluctant to do this.  Even in situations where
there is documented abuse, many courts attempt to re-establish a
healthier bond (e.g., by the use of court-ordered counseling and
supervised visits).  I don’t know whether your friend want to try to
terminate the father's rights.  If she is considering it, she should
know that it would be an uphill battle.  Here is an article that
addresses the question “What are the Grounds for Terminating Parental
Rights?”
http://www.msbar.org/Law_You_Can_Use/Child_Custody/Terminating_Rights.htm
And an article on supervised visitation ("What is it and how does it
work?):
http://www.singleparentcentral.com/articlesdivorce3supervised.htm

4.  You ask "Perhaps a higher court, or another judge . . . ?"  There
is always a higher court.  I can tell you that when I was considering
going to court to fight for sole legal and physical custody, my
attorney advised me that it would cost at least $50,000 to fight that
battle.  (and that kinda decided that)

5.  Finally, let me provide this link to "Rights of Children of
Divorce."  I've always liked this piece:
 http://www.singleparentcentral.com/articlesdivorce8rights.htm
It's like a bill of rights for kids.  It includes the right to choose
to talk with a special adult (e.g., a counselor, therapist, or friend)
about their concerns and issues.
  
Best of luck to your friend and her daughter!

Search strategy:
"child abuse" & indiana
child advocate
supervised visitation

pocoloco-ga

Dear mtouchprod,

By way of explanation as to why your question remains unanswered, I
think it is less a function of the price you are offering, and more a
function that researchers are concerned about disappointing you with
the limited options available. If you were to post a question with a
slightly different focus, such as how to best support a child who is
being required by court order to visit with a parent against her
wishes, you might receive an answer that is ultimately more helpful to
you and to the child.

Would there be the same objection to supervised visits - eg visits
with the father but in the home - say - of one or other set of
grandparents, or with a child welfare officer present ? Is that a
possible option ?

I don't believe that that is an option, supervised visits, because the
family lives in florida and the father lives in indiana, and the visit
is a two week one, so supervision by a child-welfare official probably
wouldn't be an option. But maybe it would be possible to schedule a
few check-up visits by someone like that?