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Q: What is the story with my prude boyfriend? ( Answered 5 out of 5 stars,   17 Comments )
Subject: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
Category: Relationships and Society > Romance
Asked by: trixie-ga
List Price: $4.00
Posted: 03 Jun 2002 03:17 PDT
Expires: 10 Jun 2002 03:17 PDT
Question ID: 20319
I have been seeing my 'boyfriend' for about 2 1/2 years, he has still
not made a SINGLE move...I've asked several times what his big fear
about sleeping with me is, but he says he has to just be sure it is
right first...He is 42 years old, and from what I can tell, he does
not become aroused ever! I have seen him get a little frisky one time
after some drinks, but even then...he was very restrained. I have
accused him of not even getting the slightest bit aroused when I sit
on his lap, but he gets defensive & denies it...And then says things
like, "Is that all that matters to you?, SEX?" I am baffled, to say
the least, but does this man have something wrong with him? Or do I
have something wrong with me for wanting it in the first place?
(I suspect, but am not sure...that ha has never had any sexual contact
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
Answered By: j_philipp-ga on 03 Jun 2002 03:45 PDT
Rated:5 out of 5 stars
Hello Trixie,

there's certainly nothing wrong with you. Quite the opposite, you seem
to be very understanding and not at all pushy, being together with him
for 2 1/2 years.

I could imagine several reasons for him being "prude":
- he's had bad (maybe even traumatic) experiences in his sexual life
- he's afraid of having sex with you, maybe not being good enough for
- he's not attracted to you, and maybe just needs a friend, and he
might be afraid to tell you
- he's gay
- he's having a midlife crisis, and he's depressive
- he has some kind of physical problem, resulting in impotence

These are all wild guesses; you're the one who should know your
boyfriend best. I would really talk to him, and maybe tell him that
everything he could say or do is OK with you and that you won't judge
him. But if all that doesn't work you should also make clear that you
have needs, and are not ready to give up on that. If he doesn't care
about your needs, and he's unable to communicate why, you should not
keep up with it.

Maybe you should confront him with the problem in a way he cannot get
out easily; you might think about breaking up even. But please, if you
love him make sure you tried everything before that, and maybe even
think about some kind of couple therapy, or therapy for him. But don't
wait for all your life! It seems you already waited very long.

Here's some things you might want to ask:
- "What turns you on?"
- "Is there something you want to tell me about us not sleeping
- "Do you desire me?"
- "What do you find attractive in me?"
- "Do you think we have a healthy relationship?"

This advice is all very subjective; nobody can find a clear solution
without knowing what's happening inside your boyfriends head. I would
also try to talk to friends to see things from a different
perspective. Try to understand him, while not forgetting to understand
you and your own needs; follow your heart, but think clear. And don't
feel bad about yourself and your needs. They're very human and
completely normal.

Hope it helps.
trixie-ga rated this answer:5 out of 5 stars
Thank you so much!! That WAS a great anwer! I think your answer
combined with a couple of the comments completes the process...These
are all things I've been thinking but couldn't justify or find any
basis for them...The comment about him being not gay, not straight but
just NON sexual fits the best...I've known another fella like that,
(interesting, I was interested in him too, for a short while, whats
with me & my ability to seek out the unavailable!)Thanks again for the
thought out & thorough response!!! Well worth my time, I will be
talking to him!!!
By the way, I am 34, to the person who asked

Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: bookface-ga on 03 Jun 2002 04:09 PDT
A very sound answer by j_philipp, there.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: bookface-ga on 03 Jun 2002 04:28 PDT
By the way, how old are you?
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: jeanluis-ga on 03 Jun 2002 05:44 PDT
It could also be the case that he has an STD... :(
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: libraryman-ga on 03 Jun 2002 07:17 PDT
It could be any number of things. Check out these websites:
and this one
Obviously, you are not going to get anywhere at all without his
cooperation. You may try to convince him to seek medical or
psychiatric help, but good luck convincing him to go. I suspect he has
physical problems and is ashamed to admit it and seek help, but that's
just a guess. There are many treatments and
counseling services. You know him, not us, perhaps you can tell him,
"get medical help or I won't see you again,' or some other type of
ultimatum or coercion. Can you rule out religion or childhood abuse?
Does he seem to desire you at all? At that age diabetes and
circulatory problems start kicking in.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: knowledge_seeker-ga on 03 Jun 2002 08:20 PDT
First of all, 5-stars to J_Phillip for an extremely well considered

Second, 5-stars to Trixie for her incredible patience. No Trixie, it
isn’t you!

Finally, another purely non-scientific observation-- I know one man
who is basically non-sexual. Not gay. Not straight. Just not
interested. He enjoys the company of women to the extent that he has
the occasional date. He mostly hangs with the (straight) guys from
work. I reiterate he is clearly not gay. (Trust me, the guys he hangs
with would not be anywhere near him if they even got the slightest gay
vibe.)  He just seems to have no sexual inclination at all.  In fact
like your boyfriend, he’s into his 40’s and I don’t think he’s ever
had sexual relations either.

Good luck Trixie. It sounds like you’ve got some heavy decisions ahead
of you. Follow your heart, and do remember, it is not your job to fix
someone else’s life. Take care of yourself.

Best wishes -- Kim
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: tlspiegel-ga on 03 Jun 2002 09:33 PDT
Hi there!
After reading this interesting question and the wonderful answer and
comments, I had to add my 39cents.  I am sorry you are going through
this.  As stated, your needs and desires are perfectly normal and

If you can, see if your boyfriend will cooperate in having a complete
physical... if he hasn't had one in a year.

If he does have a physical limitation, an std, or something like low
testosterone levels, prostate problems, etc., he's going to have
reservations about performing.

Do you have a close intimate relationship - (I know you aren't having
sexual intercourse) but are you physically close with hugging,
kissing, snuggling, teasing, flirting?

Do you both talk and have good communication?

Other than not being sexually frustrated with the situation, do you
enjoy being together... is he attentive, loving, caring and kind?

Have you spent the night together... not having sex, but sleeping
Many things make up a relationship, as you know.  Having a close,
satisfying intimate relationship is one huge part.

I sincerely hope you are able to find out what is happening so you can
go forward with your life.  Either together or on your own.

Good Luck to you,
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: trixie-ga on 09 Jun 2002 04:20 PDT
BOOKFACE- I am 34, and too young to waste my life in celibacy, that's
for sure!
JEANLUIS-I think that he would have had to had the 's' to get the
'std', right?
LIBRARYMAN-I will check the links...But, forget about impotance for a
minute, I am not even sure , at this point, if he has a penis!! (just
kidding, he has to have one, right?!)-Once I establish that small (no
pun intended) detail...I will check out why it misfunctions!
KNOWLEDGESEEKER-Thanks!!! I hope that I am not a hasbeen at this early
stage of life!!, Like I said above, I DID know another guy too, who we
all just firgure is ASEXUAL, or lacking in desires of any kind...It's
almost freakish though to think of it, I mean like what happens if he
accidentally touches it...Do you think the friend you have is into
SELF gratification??? I mean, they've (the non sex types) gotta do
TLSPIEGAL-thanks to you too! I need the reassurance that I have a
right to have my needs met too!!! when he goes off on me & says things
like, 'it's all about sex, if we have sex, it will make everything
better...yada, yada, yada..." I just want to laugh, I tell him if it
was ONLY about sex, I'd have been gone a long time ago!
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: kaizen-ga on 13 Jun 2002 07:57 PDT
You may want to consider the possibility that your boyfriend may have
herpes, and is afraid of the rejection he might face if he is honest
with you.  I have a male friend who has become celibate rather than
face the rejection, which is kind of sad when you consider the fact
that it is a 'manageable' disease and precautions can prevent it
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: mike1958-ga on 13 Jun 2002 12:58 PDT
I see everyone is looking at the guy for answers.   Trixie give your
head a shake, you stick with this guy for 2 1/2 years and no contact! 
Are you that blind or stupid not to read the signs.  Leave this loser,
he will NEVER sleep with you.  He is gay!  Move on, you have just
wasted 2 1/2 years of your life being frustrated with him.  I think
you like to think you could change him or were attracted to his gay
qualities and you felt safe.
Either way stop blaming him and look at yourself, at least he was
honest about making sure it was right.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: alasdairm-ga on 14 Jun 2002 16:30 PDT
it takes two to tango - 2.5 years and you're unhappy about this and
you're still with him and you're looking for answers - not to mention
insulting him - on a public message board. i can't think of anything
more subjective than love and, thus, generalisations are, well just
that, generalisations. i think you need to talk to your honey.

i read something intersting the other day:

"People spend their lives looking for the right person instead of
trying to cemone the right person"

all my opinion of course. i could be wrong

Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: kamatsu-ga on 16 Jun 2002 08:21 PDT
I'm 22 y.o and have had sex in the past. But I now have a unique
philosophy in life, which has changed the way I live. I no longer have
girfriends or indulge in sex. Nothing wrong with me, just have a
different way of looking at my life. There's nothing wrong with your
boyfriend. What if the world consisted of celibate people, and the
weirdo's had sex? Something to think about before you label your
boyfriend as deficient in some way.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: raptor-ga on 18 Jun 2002 13:43 PDT
A relationship has to be a two way street. We all need to feel love
and be loved and he just is not holding up his end. How and why you
would stick around for 2.5 years is beyond me but I think that your
unhappiness is a sign that the relationship is not right for you. He
may be a great guy and fun to be around but a relationship is more
than fun and talking. You need to feel fulfilled and needed too.  I
agree with one of the others that he is probably gay and in denial but
I guess you can be hurt bad enough to not need sex but still cannot
see that being the case as he probably would have told you. God gave
us a sex drive to use it and not to keep it in the closet so move on
and stay friends. If he doesn't want or need sex why would he mind you
being with someone else in a full relationship and keeping him as a
friend which is what at this point he seems to be, musch more than a
lover.  Move on!
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: mbp-ga on 29 Sep 2002 22:59 PDT
Nice work j_philipp.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: wod-ga on 15 Oct 2002 08:22 PDT
Dunno.. I don't think there's anything wrong with celibacy. Doesn't
mean there's something wrong with him.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: becoming-ga on 28 Oct 2002 18:46 PST
He may also have some religious/moral hang-ups with pre-marital sex,
although if this were the case he should have told you so a very long
time ago.
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: liverlicker-ga on 02 May 2004 05:52 PDT
This is kind of an old question I know but I had to respond...

I don't think he's a prude, or gay, or impotent, or sexually
traumatised, or repressed or diseased. I think it is more likely that
he is asexual like myself and many others around the world. Yes, we
exist, and we're quite happy without sexual contact thanks! He might
not even be aware that others like him exist, or that there is a word
to describe how he feels. Many asexuals, including myself, have spent
a portion of their lives trying to conform to the heteronormative
expectations of society. Because so few people are aware that
asexuality is a valid orientation it is not an easy thing to come out
and talk about. Thats why having an online community such as is such a godsend. People sign up there
nearly every day and say the same thing: "Wow, I didn't know there
were others out there like me!" In short, asexuality is just another
part of the full spectrum of sexuality, and people shouldn't be
labelled as freaks because of it.

I doubt that anyone will respond to this post now, but I just thought
it needed to be added to the discussion! ;^)
Subject: Re: What is the story with my prude boyfriend?
From: jummai-ga on 06 Mar 2005 06:55 PST
Well, if he has diabetes, this article may helps...

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