Dear Advisor, I have been with my Indian fiance for 2 years now.
Although it was not approved of in Indian culture, we lived together.
His mother came here (I moved out at that time so she would not know)
and she loved me as a daughter, but because I am american she could
not accept me as daughter in law. Her son was very sick because of
this. Now I am pregnant and Akka and rest of family whom knows wants
to force me to have abortion. If I have abortion my doctor has said I
would bleed to death. Also now Baby is at risk because of too much
stress. My fiance, (OF COURSE baby's father!) turned blue and was
short of breath with chest pain upon the thought of giving up his
first child. But he cried and cried also at the thought of leaving
family. I am so scared for my fiance's life, my own, and my baby's
life. We none of us can live peacefully. I would definately die for
them, which is what would happen if I abort. but my fiance told that
he would suicide. so it seems that either: A- I raise my child and
become a widow by forcing him to raise it with me against his parents
B- I leave my fiance, raise my child, and again he kills himself,
which he never threatened EVER until now, because he MUST stay with
me, he says - or C: I do abortion and die, myself and baby. Then also
my fiance, who insists he cannot live without me would take his own
life, and probably his parents as well. I know all this sounds too
morbid. I myself don't understand all these people, but how do I
proceed without hurting anyone, or how can we convince parents?

PS: my fiance refuses to believe me when I tell him that abortion will
kill me. He keeps insisting that it is the only way, but two doctors
adamantly oppose it as I have some disorder preventing me from
clotting now. Also I cannot live with myself for killing my one and
only child.

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Request for Question Clarification by pafalafa-ga on 30 May 2003 15:21 PDT

Thenotoro-ga,

It is terrible to feel that one has no good options available during a
difficult time of life.  It is perhaps at times like these that
speaking face to face with a counselor can help.  A counselor can aid
you in sorting out your feelings, identifying alternatives, and
directing you to sources of information and assistance that can help
your situation.

If you can let us know what city you live in, perhaps one of the
researchers here can direct you to local contacts who can help
identify a counselor who is compatible with your background and
beliefs.

You have already made a step by reaching out here for advice, but I
think your best option is to find someone in your local community, if
at all possible, who can assist you directly.

So please think it over, and if you can, tell us where you live.

All the best...

pafalafa-ga

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Clarification of Question by thenotoro-ga on 30 May 2003 16:03 PDT

I live in Chicago, IL USA zip 60659. Please, I feel like running away,
just telling eveyone, "HELP! PLEASE DON'T LET THEM TAKE MY BABY!!!"
But I don't know where to run, and I don't know who to run to, and I
don't want fiance to commit suicide. I am thinking of faking some
illness just to drag him to hospital and force them to give him some
heart check up and possible anti-depressants. I really am too much
desparate, he just called me from his work and thanked me for my
"sacrifice" but I know I can't go through with it... where can I run?
Can a hospital help me?

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Request for Question Clarification by journalist-ga on 31 May 2003 07:24 PDT

Dear Thenotoro:

I have just spoken with a lady named Sophia at the National Domestic
Violence Hotline to confirm that they can help you in Chicago.  They
are fully equipped to help anyone in any part of the country because
of their network of support and options.  It is a 100% free service.

PLEASE call 1-800-799-7233 and speak with any volunteer there.  Sophia
was very warm and understanding.  After I finished telling her your
current situation, she remarked that you definitely qualify for
assistance and that you have so many more options.  She also confirmed
that what you are experiencing from your finace is known as emotional
abuse.

"We can help her," she said.

She told me that any volunteer at the National Domestic Violence
Hotline is very capable to listen to you and locate services/support
for you in Chicago.  When you and your baby-to-be leave this abuse,
remember that you are making a new and safe beginning for you and your
child.

Many years from now when you child is older, you may want to share
with him/her the feelings of what it is like to experience emotional
abuse and emotional blackmail.  That way, your child will be better
equipped in life to know how to recognize such people and stay away
from them.  Also, your trust in sharing this difficult episode with
your child will only strengthen the bonds of love between you and
him/her.

PLEASE call 1-800-799-7233 as soon as possible.  They stand ready to
help you.

Best regards,
journalist-ga

---

Request for Question Clarification by journalist-ga on 31 May 2003 07:34 PDT

P.S.  - The 1-800-799-7233 hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week - you may call any time, day or night, and they are there to
listen and help.

---

Request for Question Clarification by knowledge_seeker-ga on 31 May 2003 10:20 PDT

Thenotoro,

I, along with other researchers, am worried about you. What you are
going through is TOO BIG for you to handle alone. You need someone to
help you get out of that house.

I urge you to call either the hotline that Journalist gave you, or the
Planned Parenthood that Chellphill gave you. Either of those
organizations will help you do what YOU want to do.

Also, what about your family? Where is your mother or father? What
about sisters or brothers or an aunt or uncle? How about a best
friend? Do you have anyone whom you can call to just come and get you?
 If so, call them now. Tell them it is an emergency and that you and
your baby are in danger, because you ARE.

Your problem sounds confusing, but it really isn't.

You fiancé has made his choice – he has chosen his parents wishes over
the life of your baby.

You have made your choice – your baby's life. 

Now he is blackmailing you to make you come over to his side. Some
people threaten to hurt others. Some people threaten to hurt
themselves. Either way it is blackmail and either way it is wrong.

You know in your heart what you want. Now you just need help doing it.
Pick up the phone thenotoro. Please.

Be strong …

-K~

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Request for Question Clarification by knowledge_seeker-ga on 31 May 2003 15:00 PDT

Hi again thenotoro,

Here is contact information for the Chicago Abused Women Coalition.
They run 12 shelters in Chicago and surrounding suburbs --

Chicago Abused Women Coalition 
P.O. Box 477916 
Chicago, IL 60647-7916

http://www.cawc.org/help/contacts.html

Email : cawcadmin@mindspring.com
Hotline: 773-278-4566

-K~

---

Clarification of Question by thenotoro-ga on 31 May 2003 22:56 PDT

dear Advisors,

Thank you so much for your open support. You people are really helping
me to figure out what to do. So far, I have: Called the women's abuse
hotlines given and spoken to a kind lady who gave me further Chicago
area resources. I have also told my fiance to his face that he had
better level with his parents and take care of his FIRST family first.
(That being me and baby) and explained that I will not do it under any
circumstances. He is still not letting up on the pressure, but I have
made arrangements to RUN if he won't budge. No relatives, but friendly
neighbors are also helping with my daily care, since my doctor told me
I should be bed bound for the next two weeks. Again, thank you so
much. If anyone else has any comments or resources, I would welcome it
all.

Finally, I plan on showing all of this to my fiance, so that he can
see for himself how horrible the situation is for me, and maybe he
will *finally* see and  open his eyes to what he is doing to me.

Susanna

---

Request for Question Clarification by journalist-ga on 31 May 2003 23:42 PDT

Dear Susanna:

Good for you!!  I know I speak for many of my colleagues when I say
that I am delighted you have contacted the abuse hotline.  The people
there are trained in crisis counseling and, no doubt, may have once
stood in your shoes.  Keep reaching out!  :)

Best regards,
journalist-ga

This web site has a list of Chicago-area organizations that provide
assistance and counseling to women who do not want to have abortions:
http://treasurecoasthealth.com/woman_index.php/Health/Reproductive_Health/Clinics_and_Services/Abortion_Alternative_Services/Regional/Illinois/

I can certainly understand that the thought of becoming a parent can
be a very frightening experience, especially when the child was not
planned for. However, any man who would choose to ignore a doctor’s
warning that an abortion could be potentially fatal to you is not safe
to be with, let alone raise a child with! I am not sure how old you
and your fiancé are, but I gather you are both very young from the
apparent hold his family has on him. Being forced to choose between
one's family, and one's spouse/partner is a tough thing, but
unfortunately not all that uncommon. As many families feel it is their
right to use emotional blackmail to get the outcome they want. This is
a toxic environment, and no matter how much you feel that you love
them, this cannot be healthy for you. I would suggest that you worry
about what you want, and what you need. I know that raising a child
alone is not the most enticing option. But the choice to continue this
pregnancy, or terminate it is up to you, and no one else!
And for your fiancé to threaten suicide if you leave is just a way of
trying to control you. A man that would put his emotional comfort and
security before your physical safety probably has no qualms about
using suicide threats to coerce you into doing something that you
can't or don't want to do. I would suggest that you try and not feel
guilty for any of his actions. They are choices he makes, and he alone
is responsible for them.

Please take a look at the links below.

Emotional blackmail
http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pagefifteen.html


http://www.allsands.com/codependentbeha_xn_gn.htm
Codependent relationships

http://www.web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Boundaries/Controlling.shtml
Controlling Behavior

http://www.drirene.com/control.htm
 Controlling Behaviors

http://www.drirene.com/codepend1.htm
Symptoms of codependency

http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

http://www.drirene.com/redflag.htm


http://www.plannedparenthood.org/abortion/what-to-expect.htm
"If you want to have a child and are being pressured to have an
abortion, call Planned Parenthood for help. The Planned Parenthood
policy is to provide counselors who will listen objectively, provide
accurate information, and support your decision -- whatever it is."
http://www.plannedparenthoodchicago.com/ (Planned Parenthood of
Chicago)
http://www.plannedparenthoodchicago.com/ (Planned Parenthood of
Chicago's counseling page)

http://www.abortionconcern.org/pregnanthelp/keepsafe.htm
"Coerced abortions are internationally recognised as a HUMAN RIGHTS
ABUSE. "

http://www.afterabortion.org/leg/2000model.htm
The Women's Health Protection Act 
(aka: The Protection from High Risk and Coerced Abortion Act)
" There are many cases in which women who would prefer to keep their
pregnancies feel pressured by boyfriends, relatives, or by other
individuals or circumstances, to undergo unwanted abortions that they
subsequently regret. These coercive pressures may be subtle or overt.
Women who submit to an unwanted abortion as the result of coercive
pressures are significantly more likely to suffer severe psychological
maladjustments following the abortion"
"In forming a medical recommendation, the physician is obligated to
develop this opinion "in light of all factors - physical, emotional,
psychological, and the woman's age - relevant to the well being of the
patient." Planned Parenthood v Danforth 428 U.S. 51, 67 (1975). And in
all cases, the weighing of all the factors should operate "for the
benefit, not the disadvantage, of the pregnant woman." Doe v. Bolton
410 U.S. 179 (1973) at 192."

http://www173.pair.com/icl/PREGASST.HTM
Northside Crisis Pregnancy Center 
3425 W Peterson Ave # 104 
Chicago IL 60659-3449 

http://www.adopting.org/USAgencyWorkingAbroad.html
New Life Social Services
3525 W. Peterson, #215
Chicago, IL 60659

No one has given bad advice here...I would just add: Don't let anyone
*talk you into* aborting your baby; you will always regret it later.

Secondly, while I don't know him, it doesn't sound like your "fiance"
will ever marry you. If you are okay with that, that is one thing. But
if you're still hoping, it seems to me you are only hurting yourself.
I would also suggest that he will never be a devoted mate to you,
since he can't put you above himself or his family.