Say I have a ham sandwich with cheese and mayo that really means
something special to me. I want to preserve it forever (meaning, 100%
arrest of decomposition). What is the best way to do so? By "best" I
mean that these are the considerations, in rough order of importance:

1. Cost
2. Appearance (should be as lifelike as possible)
3. "portability" (Can I pick it up, turn it over, examine it with my
hands)
4. low maintenance (the need to maintain certain humidity/temp etc.)
5. universality of application (process/treatment should work for any
food)

A great answer will include the cost of the process, and a few
contacts for getting it done.

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Request for Question Clarification by jackburton-ga on 19 Jun 2003 09:49 PDT

Dear stupidsexyflanders,
I can propose one idea...I am aware of a British company that
specialises in just this kind of thing - the object would be dried
using a range of techniques to prevent any decomposition, and then
cast in a clear round-shaped polyester resin - essentially a
paperweight.
1) Cost - i am not sure about this yet - i would have to enquire. 
2) Appearance would be lifelike
3) Portability - would be portable, and whilst it would remain
embedded in the resin, you would be able to view the "sandwich" from
every angle clearly.
4) Low maintenace - no maintenance would be required
5) Universality of application - in theory the process/treatment
should work for any kind of food
I'm not sure if this is the "best" way, but it's one good way.
Let me know if this sounds agreeable to you and i'll get you a quote.
regards,
jackburton-ga

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Clarification of Question by stupidsexyflanders-ga on 19 Jun 2003 11:50 PDT

I am not interested in encasing it in a lucite globe, this scores very
badly on my guideline of "portability," which I articulated poorly,
but was intended to get at this very use. I should have worded it: "No
lucite globes." Sorry. For my purposes, this is no longer a ham
sandwich, but a plastic ball with a ham sandwich inside it. The
freeze-drying method in the comment seems much more along the right
track -- I wonder how this would score on my guidelines?

You might want to investigate local services that offer to preserve
wedding cake tops as mementos for brides. This is usually done by a
freeze-drying process that renders the cake no longer edible, but very
well preserved and natural looking. You can store it at room
temperature, and the only hazard generally is insect damage (ants will
eat freeze-dried foods with gusto, as a friend of mine learned too
late when her preserved wedding cake was gobbled by the little
critters.)

Here's an example of the kind of service I'm talking about:

"JOY BOTANICA • (877)221-8919. Joy Botanica is pleased to serve South
Central Wisconsin and the Stateline Area. They specialize in unique
and artful custom-designed freeze-dried floral keepsakes. They work
with florists and wedding/event coordinators. Consider floral gift
favors for your attendants and parents. Preserve your wedding cake top
as a memento for every anniversary. They also offer: bridal gown
preservation, calligraphy, gift-certificates, non-staining
freeze-dried rose petals and potpourris and silk creations.
Pick-up/delivery available."

http://www.wedplan.com/1flowers.htm

http://www.wedplan.com/ads/mad/joybot.htm

Here's some more info on freeze-drying:

http://www.hellerandreid.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.100.exe/about/freezedrying.html?E+scstore

An interesting process called "plastination":

http://www.transtopia.org/plastination.html

Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but the curiosity is killing me.

Why would you want to preserve a ham and cheese sandwich...

It was half-eaten by Carol Channing.

Pardon the levity, but I'd like to point out that freeze-drying the
sandwich will damage the residual DNA, so that you won't be able to
clone Miss Channing in the future. ;-)

Could the sandwich be radiated so that it is sterile? It might need
regular radiation treatments to keep bacteria from recolonizing and
growing on the sandwich.

Sodium azide will keep any and all organisms from eating your
sandwhich, although, you'd want to wash your hands very well after
touching it yourself.  I would think that the largest problem will be
the chemical reaction between the bread and the mayo, which may not be
stopped by anything short of the lucite method...

Restaraunts often use thick shelack to keep food looking good on
display. I asked for a 'box of crackers' for a birthday (10 years
ago), and I still have a little box made out of shellacked saltine
crackers. Not exactly appetizing to think about, but except for the
shine they look completely natural, and are very portable. Hope this
helps.

if you vaccuum sealed the food into a clear plastic bag (first flush
the bag with say nitrogen) then get the food irradiated well, keep for
aslong as the seal on the bag is never broken.

I agree that the radiated and vacuum-sealed method would work the
best.
This will definitely keep mold and bacteria from forming and thereby
ruining the appearance. It is probably much cheaper to accomplish,
provide much more portability, and requires practically no maintenance
and could be stored at room temperature. However, I don't think much
can be done about the breakdown of enzymes and protiens in the
mayonnaise or cheese. While it wouldn't harm the appearance to any
great degree (there might be some yellowing and the cheese would
harden) I certainly wouldn't want to be the poor sap to take the first
bite after a couple of years.

Mmmmm.... Half Eaten Carol Channing Sandwich (drool)

By the way, I'd like to thank your screen name for putting back in my
head the image of Ned shaking his buns at me in his stupid sexy ski
suit.