Greetings Ratan,
I hope this edition of the summary works for your daughter:
==========
This story is about a girl named Karana, an Indian girl living in the
village of Ghalas-at. Karana was a young girl and had an older sister
named Ulape, who was vain and mostly liked jewelry. Karana had a
little brother whose name was Ramo. Karana's father was the Chief of
Ghalas-at.
One day the Aleuts, the Indian people's enemies, came to
the Island of the Blue Dolphins, where the Indians were living. The
Aleut Chief asked Karana's father to give them the chests of treasure
hidden under the ground, but he refused. Angry at the refusal, the
Aleuts made war with the Indians and killed many of their soldiers and
wounded others. After the battle the people of Ghalas-at grieved. It
was a time of sorrow for the whole village.
Karana's father thought about what should be done. He decided that
they should move away because the Aleuts may come again, and do battle
again. The next day a ship came with white men, who came to help the
Indians. The wind was blowing hard, so one of the white men motioned
the Indians to hurry up. As Karana went on the ship, her brother Ramo
went to get his spear and he became too late to get on the ship.
Karana dove into the water and went to try to get her brother. When
she turned back, the ship was gone. Both Karana and Ramo hoped that
the ship would come back soon.
Karana and Ramo lived by themselves. They speared fish and other sea
creatures to eat. One day Ramo went to get a canoe that they had hid
to go on a journey and said that he would return soon. Karana waited
for Ramo for days in the cave that they lived in while waiting for the
ship. She waited for two suns and two moons. She became worried about
him. She went out to look for Ramo, but she couldn't find him. She
called his name several times and got no reply. She then searched near
the wild dogs' cave. The wild dogs were very dangerous and their
leader had yellow eyes and thick gray fur. When she came to that area,
she saw the dogs walking in a circle. She looked in the middle of the
circle although she wished she hadn't. She saw Ramo lying in the
middle of the circle with blood on his throat. She knew immediately
that the wild dogs bit Ramo on the neck and he was dead.
Karana recovered Ramo's body and kept it for two days. Then she buried
him under the sand. She vowed that one day she would kill all of the
wild dogs. She began making weapons to kill them with. After she was
finished, she went out to the wild dogs' cave wielding them. She
killed two of them that day but not the leader.
The next day Karana hoped that the ship would come back and wondered
what took the ship so long. Then she made more weapons and again went
to the wild dogs' cave and killed three of them, but not the leader.
She went back to the cave she lived in and sat there thinking about
her brother, Ramo. She became very sad. Later, she caught some
abalones and dried them high on a pole. She went back to the cave of
the wild dogs' and saw that two of the dogs were fighting. The leader
was one of them. Even though she didn't know why she kept on watching.
The leader was badly hurt, but he won. She did not kill him though.
Two summers had passed and the ship still didn't come. Every morning
she stood on a high cliff and saw if the ship came back. The ship did
not appear and she began to lose hope. She kept going to the wild
dogs' cave and kept a close watch on what they were doing. One day
went she went to the cave to kill the leader. The dogs were somewhere
else hunting for food. The leader walked in the rear of the line.
There, Karana felt sure that she could kill the leader. The leader saw
her and just stood there facing her. She took her bow out and aimed
for the leader's neck. She shot the arrow successfully and he dropped
to the ground. Karana was feeling bad about killing the leader and she
didn't know why. Then she took the leader to her cave and she pulled
out the
arrow. The arrow was not hard to pull out because it had not gone deep
in the leader's chest and the leader was alive.
Karana decided to keep him alive, and speared some fish for the dog
and herself. The leader now liked her. The next day Karana stood on
the cliff deciding on the dog leader's name, and soon she decided on
Rontu, which means a dog with yellow eyes and gray fur. As the days
passed, Karana took care of Rontu. One day Rontu died because he was
very old and it was part of the circle of life. Then Karana went to
the wild dog's cave and she saw a puppy dog that looked just like
Rontu. She named him Rontu-Aru, which means the son of Rontu. She
thought of this name because she thought that he was the son of Rontu.
Finally, a ship came one day and noticed that it wasn't the Indians
ship, nor the Aleuts' ship. A white man came out of the ship and told
her something that she could not understand. Then the white man
motioned her to come near the ship. Then another man came out of the
ship. He was a man that knew what happened to the earlier ship and he
spoke her language. He told her that the older ship had sunk in a wild
storm and that's why nobody came to take her. Then he told her that
they came to protect her and they wanted her to live with them. Karana
accepted and she lived happily ever after!
============
I hoped I preserved the tone of your daughters writing. I decided to
add some words to make some parts clearer, but I couldnt cover up
whatever holes in the story were created by your daughters writing.
Perhaps these could be added later, such as what was the meaning of
Karanas friendship with the wild dog leader, and whether the puppy
went with Karana on the second ship. The idea is that the content
should be as consistent as possible. I worked as an English editor and
magazine writer before, so I decided I was capable of answering this
question.
Perhaps these websites will help in English editing and rewriting:
Editing and Proofreading Strategies
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/general/gl_edit.html
Guide to Grammar and Writing
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/
The Grammar Lady Online
http://www.grammarlady.com/
Grammar Slammer!
http://englishplus.com/grammar/
A book I can suggest for tips in good English writing is The Elements
of Style by Strunk and White. Below is a website with excepts from
the book:
http://www.bartleby.com/141/
Google search terms:
story writing tips
story english editing tips
english grammar tips
I hope this has been a most helpful answer. If you have any problem
with it, do please post a Request for Clarification and I shall
respond. Thank you. |
Clarification of Answer by
techtor-ga
on
29 Jun 2003 12:42 PDT
I'll do the best I can to point out the mistakes.
Mostly, she had some unnecessary repetitions, like the mention of
Karana's father being the Chief of the tribe.
I added "treasure" for "chests" since "chests" alone does not mean it
contains anything precious.
"For a journey" was added in the part when Ramo left to give a reason
for getting the canoe.
Near the end, the white man made Karana go in the ship, but the other
man she was to talk to came out of the ship, so they wouldn't meet.
I must ask your pardon, it's 3 AM where I am now... so I guess this is
the time I make more mistakes than usual. How's this for a correct
sentence:
"One day went she went to the dogs' cave to kill the leader."
I didn't want to edit much since a 10 year old wrote it, and I feel
there is no need to make her language exceptional.
I hope this will do for now. Thank you.
|
Clarification of Answer by
techtor-ga
on
30 Jun 2003 06:50 PDT
Hello, I came back to elaborate on some more of the changes I made to
your daughter's summary, since I think you might want more.
- I changed "Aleuts killed many soldiers" because it was not clear
whose were the soldiers, the Aleuts' or the Indians'.
- I removed "mourn" after "grieve", since both words mean the same
thing.
- In the sentence where Ramo was getting a canoe, the wording made it
look like Ramo got the canoe from somewhere else and was bringing to
the cave where they lived, which I think is not the actual meaning of
the sentence. I changed it.
- "For the future" is not appropriate in the sentence where Karana
makes weapons for hunting the wild dogs.
- "The leader was fighting and another dog" was a clumsy sentence, and
had an unnecessary repetition of "dog".
- "The leader was badly hurt and the leader won" also is clumsy since
the two statements about the leader here have contrasting ideas.
- "On" is needed after "deciding" for "leader's name".
- I know "her ship" meant the earlier white man's ship, but "her ship"
isn't appropriate, so I changed it to "earlier ship", which is more
correct in its idea.
I guess this covers most of the major corrections I made. Do tell me
if there is another mistake I made, or correction I missed talking
about, and I will respond to the clarification request you will make.
Thank you.
|
Clarification of Answer by
techtor-ga
on
04 Jul 2003 23:30 PDT
I'll try to explain my corrections further and link to a web resource
for the rules.
Mostly, she had some unnecessary repetitions, like the mention of
Karana's father being the Chief of the tribe.
- Basically, avoid unnecessary repetitions.
I added "treasure" for "chests" since "chests" alone does not mean it
contains anything precious.
- I added a detail that made the reason for getting the chests more
logical.
For a journey was added in the part when Ramo left to give a reason
for getting the canoe.
- I thought the sentence had meant that Ramo had hid the canoe in the
cave and he got it and went out with it. I realize I may have not read
it correctly, so I now think Ramo was to get the canoe that was hidden
somewhere else and he was to bring it back to the cave. I havent read
the story itself, so I apologize if I have interpreted it wrongly. If
I have, I suggest this alternative:
Former: One day Ramo went to get a canoe that they had hid to go on a
journey and said that he would return soon.
Alternative: One day Ramo said he would go out and retrieve the canoe
they had hidden somewhere else and promised he would return soon with
it.
Near the end, the white man made Karana go in the ship, but the other
man she was to talk to came out of the ship, so they wouldn't meet.
- Logic was at fault here. What one writes should be logical. This is
more of a rule in composition than in grammar.
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/logic.htm
I changed Aleuts killed many soldiers because it was not clear
whose were the soldiers, the Aleuts' or the Indians'.
- I just avoided vagueness in the sentence.
I removed "mourn" after "grieve", since both words mean the same
thing.
- Avoid redundancy.
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm#redundancy
For the future is not appropriate in the sentence where Karana
makes weapons for hunting the wild dogs.
- This phrase is normally used to mean a much later point in time, but
Karanas use of the weapons came immediately. The phrase therefore
doesnt fit.
"The leader was fighting and another dog was a clumsy sentence, and
had an unnecessary repetition of dog.
- Fighting and another dog did not agree. And should be removed,
but the previous sentence before this one mentioned that Two dogs
were fighting, so I changed the sentence to avoid redundancy.
"The leader was badly hurt and the leader won" also is clumsy since
the two statements about the leader here have contrasting ideas.
- My correction here fixed an unnecessary repetition.
On is needed after deciding for leader's name.
- On is a needed preposition because deciding cannot directly
modify leader's name.
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/prepositions.htm
I know her ship meant the earlier white man's ship, but her ship
isn't appropriate, so I changed it to earlier ship, which is more
correct in its idea.
- Her ship would mean that Karana owned the white mens ship, but I
doubted that this was correct, so I changed it.
Other corrections:
Create a battle isnt an adequate phrase here since it just says
that the Aleuts will create a battle, but doesnt mention the
participants. Under this wording, it is possible for the Aleuts to
create a battle that other groups will be participants in, not
necessarily them now the Indians of Ghalas-at.
I had missed this:
Finally, one day a ship came and noticed that it wasn't the Indians
ship, nor the Aleuts' ship. Noticed is placed in such a way that
make ship the doer of this verb. Just adding Karana before
noticed will solve the problem. The problem that occurred was a
dangling modifier.
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/modifiers.htm#danglers
===========
I hope this gives you the rules of grammar you need.
However, I believe your daughters writing was pretty good. All she
needs is to polish up on some rules on grammar, which she will learn
in due time.
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