Google Answers Logo
View Question
Q: How Can One Learn to Forgive a Cherished Friend? ( Answered 5 out of 5 stars,   3 Comments )
Subject: How Can One Learn to Forgive a Cherished Friend?
Category: Relationships and Society > Relationships
Asked by: osolost-ga
List Price: $2.00
Posted: 12 Jul 2003 19:24 PDT
Expires: 11 Aug 2003 19:24 PDT
Question ID: 229265
In life, some of us tend to make mistakes without realizing what we
have done to the very people that we hold dearest to us.

Words spew out of our mouths or are typed on our keyboards without a
thought of whom we may offend or hurt.

However, without forgiveness, what would our world be like?

Sometimes our feedback is not aimed at the very person that perceives
that thought...

And then its erased....
Subject: Re: How Can One Learn to Forgive a Cherished Friend?
Answered By: mvguy-ga on 12 Jul 2003 22:51 PDT
Rated:5 out of 5 stars

Forgiving people is seldom easy, especially when someone we care for
very much has wronged us.

What I have found has helped me is to remember that I cannot hold
others to the standard of perfection until I have met that standard
myself. That's kind of a more personalized version of saying we all
make mistakes. Ultimately, deciding not to forgive some is an act of
arrogance, and it hurts us even more than the person who did the
original wrong.

I also believe it's important to remember what forgiveness isn't: It
isn't denying that what the other person did was wrong. What it is is
a way of putting that wrong into perspective and not allowing it to
continue to hurt either you or (to the extent within your power) the
perpetrator.  It is also a process, sometimes a slow one, not
something that can be accomplished in an instant.

I don't know what your religious background is, but I have found for
myself that prayer is also an important component of forgiveness.
Through prayer I can realize that God loves me despite all the
mistakes I have made, and God also can provide the strength I need to

If I were to suggest two books that cover the subject of forgiveness,
or at least two books I've read, I'd recommend the following two. Each
of them points out how important it is to forgive, because only then
can we truly live life as it was meant to be lived. I'll list these
books according to their pages on; the first should also be
available at almost any bookstore, while the second might have to be

Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters
by Phillip C. McGraw

Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to
by C. Terry Warner

Since you may not be able to read a book and apply what you learn
immediately, I'm going to also suggest a few web pages on the subject.
Most of them I've listed here provide specific steps you can follow in
the journey to forgiveness.

How to Forgive
"One of the most crippling attitudes in the human heart is the refusal
to forgive. When we say, I cannot forgive,' we hurt no one more than
ourselves. When we refuse to forgive, we allow unresolved anger,
hatred and bitterness to sap our emotional, mental and spiritual

How to Forgive
"Forgiving is letting go of your pain and anger. You have to first
face it and feel it before you can let it go. Forgiving is a process,
not an event. It takes time and effort."

Five Steps to Interpersonal Forgiveness
"Forgiving cannot begin until love has been re-extended to the
offender. Love is possible when we see the other's value once more,
recognize his preciousness, and choose to be understanding, even of
what is beyond being understood."

How to Forgive: 10 Guidelines

Forgiveness as a Key to the Future
"Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.  It is a release from the
burden of anger and pain.  When you choose to forgive, you choose to
live in the present and the future instead of the past.  It does not
mean to forget but it does mean to release and go on.  Forgiveness
doesn't happen on its own, you must choose to forgive."

I hope you find this information helpful. Best wishes as you seek to
heal the hurt within you.



Google search term: "how to forgive"
osolost-ga rated this answer:5 out of 5 stars
TY.. mvguy............ very clear cut.. 
But it hurts nonetheless..
I guess some people cannot forgive and in that "intensity" they, in
the end, will be the loser.............

Subject: Re: How Can One Learn to Forgive a Cherished Friend?
From: trueparent-ga on 13 Jul 2003 06:40 PDT
One problem, with the concept of forgiving, is that we do not separate
forgiveness, and trust.  Forgiving does not mean that we can/should
trust the person we are forgiving.  Trust has to be earned by the
person who has done the wrong; therefore we have no control, over
whether we trust them as we once did.
If we are aware of this reality, we can help them by trying to "set
conditions", (i.e. provide opportunities), for them to fulfill, so
that we can regain trust in them. Both the forgiver, and the forgiven,
need to understand this reality, so that both can acknowledge the loss
of trust as being important, and worth working to restore.
Many "sinners" do not understand this important reality in their
relationship with God.  Many believe that, when they are forgiven by
God, they have returned to their original level of relationship with
God, but even God cannot trust us, unless we actively "set conditions"
to regain God's trust. This is not because God is weak, or vindictive,
but because trust, by definition, must be earned by the recipient.
This is why God could not "work with" Adam and Eve, after the Fall. 
God had to instead "work with" their children, Cain and Abel, to allow
them the opportunity to reverse the wrong course, and "restore" the
relationship with God, that was lost because of the Fall. God has
continued, to this day, to offer opportunities to each of us, at all
times, to reverse evil, and restore the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth,
(i.e. the Garden of Eden), as it was with Adam and Eve and God, before
the Fall.
At this time in history, the highest form of this opportunity supplied
by God, is in the teaching/worldview of the hsa-uwc, (i.e. the Holy
Spirit Association for the Unification of World Christianity), and,
for those who might not want "religion", the FFWPU, (i.e. The Family
Federation for World Peace and Unification).
Subject: Re: How Can One Learn to Forgive a Cherished Friend?
From: intotravel-ga on 05 Aug 2003 10:56 PDT
Hi, Osolost, I know that forgiveness is possible, but it does mean
giving something up!

It means giving up pain and anger and a sense of being wronged ... I
know, I've been there; and when I forgave, there was a feeling of such
intense release and sweetness. It was worth it!
Subject: Re: How Can One Learn to Forgive a Cherished Friend?
From: espred77-ga on 28 May 2004 04:35 PDT
When we know that we said something that's hurting our loved ones then
what is that holding us back from asking for forgiveness, or they
forgiving us?
It's the ego in us that's the wall in between. 
If we can shed this ego, then the problem will be solved.

Things are said easier than done. But if the relation is what that
matters the most, then there should be nothing holding us back from
forgiving/asking for forgiveness.

And besides, who would say things to you or your family? It's someone
in the family,you n your loved ones only.They have the right to say.
Imagine if some outsider coming to you and saying things to you! would he?

It's the loved ones that we make happy or hurt. So it should not be a
big deal for us or them to say things that are totally nonsensical.
Even if you say things that are nonsensical, and u realize what u said
is wrong, there shouldn't be an ounce of pride in you for it.

Relations always have their ebbs n tides, coz we have feelings. But
feelings keep fading, it's the relationship that should remain

I'm not experienced that much with relations, try to keep  breaking of
from the binding. So excuse me if I'm being a hypocrite.

Important Disclaimer: Answers and comments provided on Google Answers are general information, and are not intended to substitute for informed professional medical, psychiatric, psychological, tax, legal, investment, accounting, or other professional advice. Google does not endorse, and expressly disclaims liability for any product, manufacturer, distributor, service or service provider mentioned or any opinion expressed in answers or comments. Please read carefully the Google Answers Terms of Service.

If you feel that you have found inappropriate content, please let us know by emailing us at with the question ID listed above. Thank you.
Search Google Answers for
Google Answers  

Google Home - Answers FAQ - Terms of Service - Privacy Policy