My husband and I received an emailed invitation, from my niece, to
attend my sister-in-law's 50th birthday party aboard a Lake Ontario
cruise boat on August 30th. The email advised that the cost is $60 per
person plus a cash bar. We are to call the cruise company ourselves to
reserve our seating as well as provide our credit card number. My
question: Is it appropriate to hold a birthday party in which the
guests are required to pay? Most of those attending will be relatives
and close friends and will feel obligated but resentful. Personally,
my husband and I have held my 40th and his 60th without any obligation
on the part of the invitees to cover the costs. The guests included my
brother and his wife. My party was held in a hotel banquet room and
included a Caribana style steel band, food, drinks and all the
trimmings. Hubby's was held at a very exclusive restaurant with each
of our guests able to choose their own meal and drinks. The tabs for
both events were far in excess of $100 per person. I'm at a loss as to
what the etiquette is here. I feel like declining but I don't want to
alienate my brother or his wife. Please help. Thanks.

By the standards of etiquette under which I was raised, asking guests
at such a celebration to pay their own way would have been considered
extremely gauche.

My first thought: "My goodness, how tacky!"

My second thought: "Doubly so. Such an invitation should NOT be
delivered by email."

My third thought: "Maybe I am an antiquated stick-in-the-mud. Some
Internet research is definitely called for here."

I have found several online references regarding similar situations:

"How Do We Tell Guests To Pay Their Own Way?

Q: My husband and I will be renewing our wedding vows for our 20th
anniversary on the beach at sunset on Waikiki... We would like to go
out to dinner after the renewal of our vows with our friends, but are
not having a reception. Everyone will order off the menu and pay for
their own dinner.

The question is, how do you tell people that will be the case? I will
probably hand-write invitations after we arrive on the island and set
up the details. I'll need to include the dinner details in the
invitation. Your help with wording would be appreciated. Thank you.

MaryAnn
 
A: ...It is hard for me to advise you on the proper etiquette for
handling this issue in terms of wording the invitations since having
guests pay their own way at an event such as this would not be
considered socially correct in the first place. If a group of your
friends were to invite you out to celebrate your anniversary, they
would be expected to pay, not just for themselves, but for your
portion as well. However, when you are inviting guests to celebrate
your anniversary with you, typically the expectation is that you
intend to host the celebration.

I'm afraid that there is simply no wording suggestion I can offer for
the invitations which will conform to the standards of proper
etiquette or social correctness... to extend invitations to a
celebration in honor of such an occasion, expecting guests to pay
their own way, is not a practice which would be deemed 'socially
correct'."

SuperWeddings: Ask the Wedding Expert
http://www.superweddings.com/theweddingexpert4.html

Even the relatively recent introduction of a "cash bar" at a
celebration is considered improper by some authorities on etiquette:

"A 'Host Bar' refers to the scenario in which the hosts of the wedding
or function will provide alcoholic beverages for their guests. This is
the opposite of a 'Cash Bar', which refers to the scenario whereby
guests are expected to pay for their own liquor consumption, a
situation which does not adhere to proper wedding etiquette. Although
having a 'Cash Bar' at a wedding is highly discouraged, today some do
it nonetheless."

SuperWeddings: Ask the Wedding Expert
http://www.superweddings.com/theweddingexpert.html

"I am planning a surprise fortieth birthday party for my spouse at one
of the fine restaurants in my city and I am preparing to send
invitations to thirty people. My dilemma is that we are unable to
provide dinner for the guests. However, I am providing the banquet
room along with a wonderful cake, of course to share. How do I
tactfully inform the potential guests that they must purchase their
own food and drinks?

Thank you for your help!

Dutch Treat Dilemma

Dear Dutch,

There is no tactful way to inform guests that they are expected to pay
for their own food and drink at a party you are professing to host. I
have a hunch that you will surprise more people than just your
spouse."

The Proper Thing
http://www.theproperthing.com/1999/05_23_99.htm

"A host is someone who offers hospitality, which includes planning,
orchestrating and paying the bills. So for all those folks who throw
themselves on Miss Manners's mercy, hoping to enlist her sympathy by
pleading that they are planning something really special for
themselves, their spouses or their parents, and expecting her to solve
the detail that they can't afford to pay their guests' way -- too bad.
They are going to have to settle for something they can afford.

It is fine to organize a cooperative party, to which everyone
contributes and no one is host, but then everyone gets to chime in
about the arrangements. Thus it should not favor one person's wishes
(or family ties) over another's. It would only be for someone's
birthday among a group of friends in the habit of celebrating one
another's birthdays, or for an anniversary as a joint family project."

Washington Post: A Host of Concerns
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49025-2003Jul12.html

"I want to give my husband a birthday breakfast at a banquet hall. I
wanted to invite 50 to 75 people made up of family and other deacons
and their wives. The breakfast costs approximately $13 per person. I
can not afford to pay the total cost ($650-$975) for the breakfast but
I perhaps could pay part of the cost... So, I was thinking of inviting
the people to the birthday breakfast and putting the cost of the
breakfast on the invitation (at full or partial cost) but also saying
that a gift is not required as their presence would be the gift. Poor
taste or acceptable? Some people might be offended but I think most
would understand that I could not afford to pay for everyone's meal.

Gentle Reader, 
Ah, yes, Miss Manners keeps hearing that so-called guests should be
able to understand that they are not being invited to partake in
hospitality, but are expected to purchase the opportunity to attend
other people's personal social events.

What she fails to hear is that so-called hosts might understand that
if they cannot afford to entertain in a certain style, they must
entertain in a style that they can afford."

MSN Women: Miss Manners
http://women.msn.com/firstperson/articles/manners_0717.asp

To be fair, it should be noted that the verdict is not unanimous on
this sort of thing. Here is an instance in which it is mentioned that
guests at an anniversary party may be asked to pick up their own tab:

"It is not uncommon for guests to pay for their own meals when an
anniversary celebration is held in a restaurant. This allows for all
those who may not be able to afford a big meal to just have a small
amount or drinks only and still join in the celebration without
feeling awkward.

If you are attending an Anniversary celebration in a restaurant then
you should ascertain whether you are expected to pay for your own meal
prior to attending, typically the host should confirm this to you when
you respond to the invitation."

Anniversary Ideas: Wedding Anniversary Party Planning
http://www.anniversaryideas.co.uk/Anniversary%20Entertainment.asp

In my view, it is quite improper to expect friends and family members
to fork over $120 per couple (plus the cost of celebratory beverages)
in order to attend a birthday party, unless all the participants are
so affluent that this would seem a trivial amount.

If I were invited to attend such an event, I would decline politely,
without mentioning that I find the affair to be tantamount to
extortion. A reply can be sent (by -- shudder -- email) with a message
such as "John and I will not be able to join you on the cruise. We
wish Mary the happiest of birthdays." A lovely birthday gift, of
course, would still be very much in order. After all, your
sister-in-law isn't necessarily to blame for her daughter's lapse in
taste. Sometimes the apple falls quite a distance away from the tree.
;-)

Google search strategy:

Google Web Search: "etiquette" + "guests" + "birthday" + "pay"
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=etiquette+guests+birthday+pay

Google Web Seasrch: "expected to pay" + "guests" + "celebration"
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22expected+to+pay%22+guests+celebration

I hope this information is useful. If anything is unclear, or if you
have a question, please request clarification; I'll be glad to offer
further assistance before you rate my answer.

Best wishes,
pinkfreud

Your prompt and thorough response to my quandary is very much
appreciated. We were really struggling with our feelings of guilt
wondering whether it was simply our resentment because we have never
treated our guests in, what we consider, to be such a shabby way.
Perhaps some might even think that we were just cheapskates, which is
definitely not the case.

You don't state whether this is a surprise party, but it is possible
that your niece is making these arrangements without her parents'
knowledge. And possible that they would be mortified upon learning of
them.

I would therefore suggest that you use your privileged relationship as
an aunt to give your niece some guidance. You could call her and
tactfully explain that you're afraid that people of your generation
will not be amenable to the idea of guests paying for themselves,
citing all the examples listed by pinkfreud. (Making it sound like
"your generation" is stuffy will help your niece save face.) You could
then ask if she needs help finding something appropriate within
her/their budget. Of course, it is quite possible that her parents are
aware of the plan, or if not, that she is unwilling to change plans at
this point. In that case I would accept the invitation. You will have
made your point known, and this is the type of thing that can cause
family riffs. In ten years the outrage of having to be paying guests
will have calmed, but the hurt caused to your family by not being
there (if it does not cause huge financial hardship) will likely be
remembered.

alex_p

Thank you very much for the five-star rating and the generous tip!

~pinkfreud