One of my correspondents (who shall be nameless) has recently gone on
record as saying "I actually quite enjoy the bagpipes (yes, it's
true!)".

Please note the added emphasis.

Now, I would like to help this poor soul who, in all other respects,
seems perfectly wonderful.

Preferably the proposed cure should be expressed in the form of a
limerick and in order to personalise the offering, she may be called
'Gem' although (for obvious reasons) this is not her real name.

An early reponse would be appreciated because I fear that her
bagpipephilia is already quite advanced.

Many thanks.

Greetings ProMan:

Alrighty then!  Here's are four possible "gems" for your consideration.


"I enjoy the bagpipes, I do!
Ooh, I lust after bagpipes, it's true!"
Said Gem, my good friend,
Right before I stepped in
With a cure concerning a loo.  


A lady named Gem tells a tale
That oftentimes makes me go pale.
She says bagpipey sound 
Is the sweetest around.
Hmm, perhaps her name should have been Gale.


I do loathe the onerous drone
Of bagpipes that play on and on
But my good friend, Gem,
Thinks they sound like a hymm.
Gad! Her eardrums must be made of stone!


"I do love the bagpipes!" Gem said.
"Do you think I could take them to bed?
Would it make me a strumpet
Like Rox with her trumpet?
Or just a Pulitzer instead?"



As always, best regards from

Journalist-ga, a GAR,
Who does dabble in poetry bizarre
Although some think her rhymes
Are, quite literally, crimes,
She hopes you find them all up to par.

:)

---

Request for Answer Clarification by probonopublico-ga on 29 Aug 2003 10:04 PDT

Well done Journalist but ...

Unusually:

1: You did not define your Search Strategies;

2: You failed to give the customary caveats about the need to seek
professional advice; and

3: You implied that you knew the lady in question - even though I had
cleverly disguised her identity ...

---

Clarification of Answer by journalist-ga on 29 Aug 2003 10:51 PDT

Sir ProMan:

Ah, Gad!! Gad!! Where are my Researcher manners??  Where is my joie de
vivre??  Wherefore art thou, Proboneo??

1. SEARCH STRATEGY: The brain, no, wait -- the mind of journalist-ga

2. "Important Disclaimer: Answers and comments provided on Google
Answers are general information, and are not intended to substitute
for informed professional medical, psychiatric, psychological, tax,
legal, investment, accounting, or other professional advice unless the
Researcher is completely familiar with the Minister of Silly Rhymes.
Google does not endorse, and expressly disclaims liability for any
product, manufacturer, distributor, service, service provider or
limerick mentioned or any opinion or form of poetry expressed in
answers or comments. Also, please read carefully the Google Answers
Terms of Psychic Service concerning Researchers abilities to read
minds."

3. Limericks 1-3 were composed from the customer's POV, limerick 4 was
composed from the subject's POV; limerick 5 was composed from
Researcher's POV, all in attempt to please customer by providing
various POVs.

Best regards,
journalist-ga, still waiting to discover the outcome of the DBE
conversation with HRH

Perfection!

(Although you did need a bit of prompting.)

And FIVE Limericks in toto. That really does constitute a 'GREAT
ANSWER'.

Which truly deserves a tip.

Let's hope that the Lady in Question takes heed of the dire
consequences of actually enjoying bagpipes.

My thanks also to all the Commentators, many of whom seemed to think
that they also knew the Lady in Question.

But a smack on the wrists for Answerfinder, Gem is not really that
difficult to rhyme .... Phlegm ... Them ... Ahem ... Hem ... Theorem
...

It is so hard for me to even think of a limerick that doesn't contain
the word "Nantucket" ... but here's my 'first' best shot.

A Gem of a GAR had been lured
by bagpipes, which most just endured
When she posted in haste
Her dubious taste
Probono at once sought her cure

============
Okay, okay  ... they can't all be Gems! (entendre intended!)

Serenata

Here is my humble offering.......

There was a young lassie named Gem
Whose bagpipes could be heard in the glens
The noise so offended
The sheep were upended
So the police arrested poor Gem

THX1138 :)

There was a young lady named Gem
Who loved bagpipes from am to pm
Her friend said ‘Beware!
Their wailing causes grey hair
You must make every effort to dodgem’

answer-finder-ga
P.S. Gem is very difficult to rhyme!

I am sorry to say that there is no cure in her sad case:

"As Gem jogged her Walkman played Previn
But a lightning bolt came down from heaven
Now bagpipes to her
Sound like a cat's purr
And so does an L1011"

markj-ga

There once was a girl from Nantucket . . . no, no, that's not right. 

Ahem.

There once was a girl from Great Britain,
On a pedastal she would be sittin'
To hear bagpipes play
Probono would say,
On your ears you must place these thick mittens!

There once was a girl from Great Britain
With bagpipes she was quite smitten
Gem was her name
And she quite liked champagne
And the only cure seemed to be Ritalin!

A Gem of a girl, sure, begorrah
But her musical tastes are pure horror.
It'd be better off haggis
Spit and air fill the bag, 'tis
a squawking bad sound, sayonara!

There once was a girl who had what it seemed
A case of "Bagpipephilia", so obscene
Poor Gem confessed
Probono obsessed
Though 'twas only a pipe dream

Probonopublico, 

For your consideration:

If this can't be cured
By a clever limerick
Perhaps try haiku

ProMan, thank you for your ever-thoughtful comments, the excellent
rating and your generosity!  I am delighted you are pleased, even
though you did have to do a bit of promting from the wings.  ;)

A Gem of a lass, and well-built,
Loved the bagpipes without feeling guilt.
There is no expertise
That can cure this disease:
As the Scots would say, it must be kilt.

There was a young lady named Gem
Who fell for a bagpiper, Ben
He showed her his big chanter
Proving he was a chancer
Which only put poor Gem off men


Whenever Gem pulled out her drones
Her audience gave out loud groans
When Gem birl and birl'd
The reeds wailed and skirl'd
And the audience ran away home

Gem went roaming in the gloaming by the bonny banks of Clyde
She took a handsome piper and kept him close beside
She wanted woo'd with grace notes
But the piper sowed his wild oats
She'd be better with a trombonist who keeps his hands upon his slide

Owain

Tee hee!!  I had great fun reading through all of these - see Question ID 250960.

:) jem-ga

I *love* bagpipes, and I don't think that affliction--I mean
affection--can be cured; it seems to deepen with exposure.  But if it
could, I have to agree with boquinha, it isn't going to be by a
limerick.  Sonnet, maybe; haiku, even better; but a lilting Celtic
limerick is only going to make it worse.

Apteryx

Once a Researcher named J
Grabbed a Q about shoes at G.A.
She was worried by far
When she got just 1 star
But B's comment removed her dismay.
:)

Thanx!

Hi, J

My pleasure!

KR

B