Hi there. It must be awful to have to put up with this kind of abuse,
and that's what it is. Uncontrolled anger is a serious fault indeed
and is certainly not conducive to bringing out the best in a group of
kids and building self esteem. However, you need to put your own anger
and frustration behind you and work to determine what this guy has
done and if it will be appropriate to get senior management involved
in getting him off the team.
You say you have petitioned your pastor and principal to no avail and
that the athletic committee is not likely to view your concerns
objectively due to nepotism. Shame on them. They're going to great
lengths to protect a bully and enable the bullying behaviour to
continue unchecked.
Have a look at this site in New Jersey:
http://youthsports.rutgers.edu/code_of_conduct_law.html
And this from California Interscholastic Federation/ Central Coast
Section:
http://www.cifccs.org/sportsmanship/Coaches%20Code%20of%20Conduct.htm
It is time to put together some real facts about why you believe this
guy is not the right coach for your team. First of all, does your
association have a mission statement or a code of conduct or even a
list of goals and objectives? They should have. It will contain warm
and fuzzy stuff like: to foster a love of basketball among the
community, or to build self esteem, team spirit, confidence, etc etc.
Now, state whether or not your coach is upholding these. Give examples
that can be upheld. People need to stand by what they've said. Try and
put your emotions on hold and *objectively* list some of the things
Coach is doing when he gets so angry. Is he threatening physical harm?
Is he invading personal space when shouting? Is he making the kids
feel unsafe? Does he make them cry? Have any kids abandoned the sport
because of him? Is anyone having counselling because of him? Have
there been complaints from visiting teams and their officials? Has
this been going on for long? Get facts and figures. Is there a school
or parish counsellor (as in psychologist) who would lend support and
give you some research findings on anger and abuse? Make sure you do
everything you can to avoid this becoming a personal vendetta. Just
list facts.
As regards the archdiosese telling you 'parents not being able to
choose their kids' coach" that is absolute rubbish if there's a clear
pattern of verbal abuse by an adult at stake. If the situation is as
bad as you indicate, then the parents should be right behind you in
this campaign, in fact they should be independently contacting the
principal to "please explain".
Now, go back to the pastor, the principal and the athletic committee
with your report. If you get no joy, take it higher. Go to the state
education department that oversees your school, contact a community
legal aid agency.
FYI I sourced the following from a domestic violence site that I think
has some pertinent points in this situation:
http://pages.ivillage.com/samuel10011/domesticviolence/pactdv2.html
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Emotional abuse is present in almost all domestic violent and abusive
relationships and can have injurious consequences to the victim -
eroding self-esteem, confidence, hopefulness, and most importantly
one's sense of self. Typically, emotional abuse includes ridicule,
intimidation, coercion, manipulation and verbal harassment.
Perpetrators attempt to bolster their own self-esteem through the
instillation of insecurities in their partners. If in a verbal
exchange no negotiation is possible, a form(s) of emotional abuse has
most likely occurred. Emotionally abusive behaviors include:
· name-calling and use of abusive language to partner;criticizing,
humiliation, disproportionate anger, or yelling to intimidate
· irrational blaming of partner.
· withholding displays of affection.
· obsessive jealousy and accusations.
· instillation in partner that 'nothing he does will ever be good
enough'.
· use of intimate knowledge to generate vulnerability.
Then, there is this from the Assemblies of God
website:http://www.ag.org/top/beliefs/relationships/relations_08_abuse.cfm
Defining abuse:
"Abuse is the imposition of one person’s destructive will or actions
upon another person which inflicts harm to the victim on a physical,
emotional, or spiritual level." Ultimately the victim’s will or future
well-being is neither considered nor respected. Abuse usually occurs
because of the abuser’s misuse of his/her higher standing, position of
authority, or psychological/physical strength. In inflicting the abuse
the authority and/or strength of the abuser overpowers the will of the
victim. In nearly all cases the victim is incapable of preventing the
abuse.
And finally, I suggest you have a look at this site:
http://www.calib.com/nccanch/
It's from the Administration for Children and Adults. It has a lot of
information as well as a crisis line phone number for the US. I
strongly advise that you get in touch with one of their counsellors
and get them to advise whether or not the anger that your Coach is
unleashing constitutes abuse in their eyes.
Good luck. |
