How can I motivate my stubborn disinterested 13 year old to
perform better in school and Life. He has 3 "F"s and 1 "D" All he
wants to do is play... He won't clean his room unless I stand over
him... He won't do homework unless I stand over him... You can lead
this horse to water but he ain't drinkin...

How do I get him to be basicilly responsible?

Sounds to me that you have removed all need to be responsible by
"standing over him". Let him make mistakes and then suffer the
consequences by himself. That old saying about horses is very true.

Try checking out the answers and comments to an earlier question along
the same lines: http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=242305
 There are some good points there, I think.  Best of luck, and don't
give up.

I am a 46 year old female.  I was the equivilent of your son 33 years
ago and have come full circle.  I am way beyond even you.  I have a 22
year old son and a 19 year old daughter.  My kids are grown.  To me,
it is as if I was first your son, then I was you, and now I see the
results.

The answer is not what you want to hear.  There is the long and
painful way, and then there is the even more difficult way: the
shortest distance from point A to point B.

The long and painful way is inclusively --any action or reaction of
yours that attempts to control your son's behavior.  You must stop
making the same mistakes and expecting different results.  Your
attempts to control your son's behavior are the very things that will
ensure that you travel the "long and painful" way to point B.

The shortest distance from point A. to point B. specifically excludes
--any action or reaction on your part that lessens the natural
circumstances, including undesireable consequences, that result from
your sons own decisions.  Any attempt on your part to lessen or
lighten his experience of life's own lessons, will lengthen the
distance to point B.

Let's look at this in a different way.  In reality, this is more YOUR
journey, ...not your sons.   Who is the more capable person
intellectually of the two of you?  Who has more self control?   How
long do you want this to take?

Clearly, your son needs to experience cause and effect.  It is my
prediction that were you able to chose the shortest distance to point
B., that things would get even worse.  It is very difficult to allow
your child to make mistakes, and stand by idle.  However, don't
despair.  The upside is that it can be done in 5 years or less.  The
alternative however, takes a lifetime.

This may sound crass, but you can still crank out a happy, well
adjusted child, a productive member of society that has goals and is
moving forward in life as we all hope for, with our children.  --A
well adjusted young adult, with a steady girlfriend, choosing a
vocation, getting training or thinking about college, thinking about a
having kids someday, and actually finding one's niche in the world...

The shortest distance to the goal is radical.  The entire key is in
changing your focus.  This is YOUR journey, not his.  Your own
inherent need to control others, and your ability to chose how to
react to your son in each sucessive present moment, will determine
your success.  You must be able to act and react to situations based
on a plan, not emotions.

If you are interested, I can elaborate a bit further and give you
specific ideas and a plan for you to consider implementing, --in the
answer box.  Or rhis can be exactly what it is so far: a Comment...

~~Cynthia

Of course he wants to play. He's 13 years old! 

Just remember that 13 year old boys -- and girls -- are going to rebel
in lots of different ways and one way to get up Mum's or Dad's nose is
to have a messy room. And you know what, most of his classmates and
most *nice* kids have messy rooms too. If you were different as a 13
year old, you were different from most kids, (or maybe someone cleaned
your room for you!)

One thing you could do is to get big baskets for him to throw his
dirty laundry in. And another big basket for his clean laundry. It
might not get put away neatly in drawers and cupboards in between, but
is that so important? You could also warn him that once a
week/month/year, you're going to go in and vacuum and he'll need to be
there to move the 'stuff' around and to change his bedding. Don't be
too critical of him or else you won't teach him that cleaning up can
be a reasonably pleasant experience.

As for the school grades, have you asked him why he's doing poorly? Is
he smart but bored? Is he having difficulties understanding what's
expected of him at school? Is he in a good environment for learning
both at school and at home? Is he getting the love and support -- and
friendship -- from you to achieve better grades? Talk to his teachers
and see if they have any ideas -- good ideas, that is. Instead of
standing over him to do his homework, do it with him. If he tells you
something you didn't know before, be impressed and proud of him.

I've got a 19 year old son who had an awful, messy bedroom. He also
didn't do homework for most of his school life and he just scraped
through his VCE last year. He's also one of the nicest, most
responsible, caring, popular guys you could meet. This year he is now
working full time in a big company and is doing really well and he's a
charming, happy, confident guy. I learned to back off a few years ago.
I simply started shutting his bedroom door and, voila!, we were all
happier as a result.

Find the things you admire in your son and start there. Wouldn't you
rather *like* him and teach him the true value of his parents' love
and friendship? He's going to get much more idea of the basic
responsibilities in life that way.

And to be honest, teenage boys with really tidy bedrooms scare me!

Hi,

As a teacher I'm faced with the challenge of motivating students every
day - so here's what I do:

Make your expectations absolutely clear. "You are to submit your
completed assignment to me by 4 pm on Tuesday"

Detail the consequences if your expectations are not met. "If your
essay is submitted late, or is incomplete you will lose x marks per
day late and will not receive any marks for questions you do not
complete."

Your son is, after all, only 13. It may take failure, or missing out
on something he really wants, to make him realise that actions and
inactions have consequences.

Best Wishes,

shananigans-ga

Dear randallkopf,

I can recommend a book that I have recently finished. "Why Good
Parents Have Bad Kids" E. Kent Hayes.

I don't think any one book can provide all your answers, but I think
this book provides a good foundation.

The other thing I would recommend is professional counselling at a
local parent education organization or even the local middle school
counsellor.

Regards,