A correct answer consists of pointing me to a place where I can invest
a fairly large sum of money and get at least a 5% yearly return.  It
has to be super safe.  FDIC insured or something at least that safe. 
I want virtually no risk, and I also want reasonable accessibility to
the funds.  It has to be in the USA.

Sounds like Bonds...

omniscientbeing-ga
Google Answers Researcher

Sounds like 30y US TBonds ...BUT... you don't get all you want.

Large Money...check
Super Safe...check
Locked Rate...check
Great Liquidity...check

But bonds go up and down just like everything else.
There is no true "No Risk" investment with all of those criteria.
As the WSJ shows below.

---------------------------
WSJ.com
Government-Bond Prices Slip
In Light Post-Holiday Trade

By MICHAEL MACKENZIE 
DOW JONES NEWSWIRES 

NEW YORK -- Treasury prices closed lower Friday in thin trading
following the Thanksgiving holiday.

In addition to it being the day after Thanksgiving, Friday marked the
month's end as well as the year's end for several investment banks,
all factors helping to dilute liquidity.

The benchmark 10-year Treasury bond shed 21/32, or $6.5625 for each
$1,000 invested, to close at 99 11/32. Its yield rose to 4.33%. The
30-year bond dropped 29/32 to 103 19/32, yielding 5.13%. The two-year
note slipped 3/32 to 99 21/32, yielding 2.05%, and the five-year note
shed 14/32 to 100 2/32, yielding 3.36%. Bond yields move in the
opposite direction of prices.