I recently found out that my friend's wife has been cheating on him. 
I don't have all the information but I know that while she was working
overseas she had a relationship with another man.  My friend doesn't
know about this.  I'm struggling about whether or not I should tell
him, and if so what the best way of doing it would be.  I would like
some references (web links, books, articles, etc) that discuss this
issue from both sides (say something vs. keep quiet).  I'd also like
some information on how to go about telling him if that's what I
decide to do.  The references should be more than just someone's
opinion, but be backed up by experts who have experience in this area.

what ?


>>>>I don't have all the information but I know 

dont open your mouth unless u know for sure and have facts in front of you!
hear say doesnt cut it !

I am 100% sure.

From Ann Landers column of April 7, 1999:

Dear New York: When people ask me, "Should I tell someone when I know
he or she is being cheated on?" I always say, "No, because that person
invariably knows and chooses not to do anything about it."

I still believe that is good advice. A cheating mate always leaves
some clues, either wittingly or unwittingly. I believe the clues were
there, but deep down, you didn't want to see them.

putty8,

I also vote no.  My reasoning is simple.  These things never, ever,
remain a secret.  He will find out soon enough.  Think about it secret
is already out, isn't it...  You know...  It'll get to him soon
enough.  Don't be the messenger.  Be his friend when he comes to you
with the news.

~~Cynthia

What should people do if they catch their mate cheating? 

The issue tugs at every person?s core -- despite gender, race or age
-- intensifying feelings of fear, betrayal, embarrassment and
insecurity. In fits of rage, people have thrown entire wardrobes out
of windows, crazy-glued bedsheets to a lover?s skin and set fire to
cars and clothes, a la "Waiting to Exhale."

And cheating is not some rare slip made by a few "unscrupulous"
individuals. Some 50 percent of wives cheat and 70 percent of
husbands, according to "Adultery: The Forgivable Sin," (Birch Lane,
$15) co-authored by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D.

A definition 

According to Barbara Bartlein, a relationship therapist and the author
of "Why Did I Marry You Anyway?" (Cumberland House, $12.95), there are
two types of cheating.

The first is the act of having sexual intercourse with anyone who is
not your significant other. The second, a little nebulous, is known as
emotional cheating. It?s when you confide in a person other than your
mate, telling them all of your hopes, dreams and relationship
problems. Cyber affairs fall under the latter, Bartlein says.

"Studies show that after 10 years of marriage, couples spend less than
two hours a week talking to each other," says Bartlein, who has a
consulting firm in Milwaukee. "So you can see how emotional
infidelities, can lead to more intimate, physical affairs."

There is no shortage of extreme examples of how people respond to
infidelity in the headlines. A 26-year-old Detroit police officer is
being charged with attempted murder for allegedly shooting her husband
twice after a woman called their home to speak with him.

This summer basketball star Kobe Bryant admitted he committed adultery
in a much publicized case. Later, he sealed his apology to his wife
Vanessa with a $4 million diamond ring.

About 50 years ago, comic actress Gracie Allen would joke that it was
time for her husband (and comedy partner) George Burns to cheat again
so she could get new gifts.

"Cheating is the beginning of the end," says 40-something Mary
Henderson, who admits she cheated on her ex-husband before they
divorced. "If you?re cheating, you?re probably (committed to) the
wrong person."

The first response 

But the average woman doesn?t reach for a gun, and the common man
can?t afford expensive custom-made jewelry, say experts and everyday
people who add that the real answers of what should be done fall
somewhere in between.

A lot of people talk out the problem for example. Between the two
types of cheating, emotional cheating is the easiest to resolve and
confront, says Dorothy Redmond, 26. She suspected her boyfriend had an
emotional connection with someone else, but was happy to learn she was
wrong.

"My boyfriend is Brazilian and he befriended a woman from his
hometown," Redmond says. "At first I was threatened that they both
spoke Portuguese and that they had more in common.

"But I talked to him and I met her and now I feel closer to him. I trust him." 

Psychologist Marcia Bowman says therapy should be the first step,
adding that "the person who has been betrayed must be allowed to go
through all the stages of grief."

"Usually there are feelings of shock, denial, anger, sadness and
guilt," Bowman says. "These feelings don?t come in any particular
order, but they all have to be experienced if there is to be
forgiveness.

"And you have to talk to get to the heart of the problem. I?ve had
clients come in and talk about Kobe (Bryant) and his wife instead of
dealing with their own problems."

Gender plays a part in people?s reactions as well, Bowman says.
Perhaps that is why society calls a man a cuckold if his wife cheats
on him. In contrast, women who are betrayed have no official name.

"As little girls, we?re conditioned to keep our pain to ourselves,"
says Savage. "Women stay in relationship situations that men would
never."

Bowman says "Men and women look at cheating so differently. If a man
cheats, he often believes that the act has no emotional meaning. But
if a woman cheats on him, he sees it as an attack on his ego."
http://www.thedesertsun.com/news/stories2003/features/20031006233814.shtml

Isnt that what a friend does ,  if you were a stranger to the
situation you wouldnt have an opinion and wouldnt want an answer as
youve already said its your friend wouldnt you like to think your
friend would let you know if the situation was reversed- are you
really  a friend or have you had one of your values trodden on where
you believe honesty should prevail - answers to this are naturally
subjective whichever you choose is unique to you.

I told my own friends a long time ago - please let me know if i annoy
you in any ways - at least i get some sincerity and less chat behind
my back as in the case of your friend.

I wish you the best .....

Partners sometimes give each other permission to make other
relationships when separated, whcih they seem to have been in this
casse. Don't assume he doesn't know.

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments.  After some encouragement my
friend's wife came clean to my friend.  I think it was better to hear
it from her than me.  They are now trying to work things out.

Thanks again for the interesting opinions!

First thing that you should keep in your mind is, do not intervene
their relationship. Before saying her, first try to tell him that what
he has done is wrong.