I know it is December 21, but this is not a Christmas question.

I am a divorced single mother.  During my 20s and 30s, I had a
corporate career in which I made good money.  My ex was also making
good money.  We even saved some of it, and when I got divorced, I
walked away with a sizeable financial settlement.

Because my children are young and I am a single parent, I prefer to
work part time.  I don't make enough money with the part-time work to
cover my monthly expenses, but I have been able to subsidize the
part-time choice by drawing on my savings.  Believe me, I know that I
am incredibly fortunate to have that choice, and I am grateful.

I want to continue this approach for as long as possible, but that
won't be very long at the rate I'm going.  I really, really want to
spend less money.  I want to be able to do what I'm doing for five
more years before I go back to full-time work.

I've got a good financial education, and I ought to have the skills to
do this, but it is not happening.  At a very basic level, for
instance, I know perfectly well that I should have been tracking
expenses, developed a budget, and then learned to manage to that
budget.  I have not done that.  I've got Quicken on my PC, but have I
used it?  No.

I'm not looking for financial management tools or budgeting hints.  I
can find those on my own.  What I need is something more
psychological, to help me address whatever it is that is stopping me
from getting started.  I've clearly got a block of some sort.

If I knew exactly what was stopping me, I would tell you.  Some
substantial part of it is habit.  While I don't spend anything like
the money I used to, I still will buy things that I would not have
noticed when I was full-time corporate, things that are inappropriate
for me today (for instance, on the days that I work, I will go to the
local health food store for lunch instead of brown bagging it).

I have deliberately left numbers out of this, because I don't think
specific numbers are the issue.  The problem is the underlying
psychology.

Ideas for me?  Need clarification? 

For what it is worth, here's something else about me.  During the
process of getting divorced, I gained a LOT of weight.  I was able to
take that weight off using Weight Watchers.  So I'm not incapable of
discipline.  I just have not been able to apply it to the financial
problem.

---

Clarification of Question by natalieemt-ga on 24 Dec 2003 10:59 PST

What a treat for me to get up the morning after I posted this question
and find so many thoughtful comments!  Not to mention the comments
that followed over the next few days.

I am going to take Tutuzdad's (presumed) advice and withdraw the
question.  However, my recollection is that withdrawn questions vanish
into some other place, and I want in courtesy to take the time both to
thank you all and to respond to some of the comments/suggestions.

Respree's comment hit a nerve, as I have asked myself the same
question.  (Respree, not being an official Google researcher, has the
luxury of being blunt.)  Briefly, I don't think that I am currently
being irresponsible.  I mean, I carry good health insurance (as well
as life and long-term disability insurance).  And I do have a
substantial cash reserve on hand; plus, I'm vested in a corporate
retirement plan and have an IRA.  Sure, I wish I had not frittered
away so much money over the years, but I do think I'm asking the right
questions in time to turn things around.

The questions about goals and trade-offs are very helpful.  If
spending less money were the only goal, then it would make sense to
move somewhere where the cost of living was lower and I did not need a
car.  But in this case, the goal is "spend less money in order to
spend more time being at-home Mom" plus "spend less money in order to
maintain the quality and flexibility of my life."  I live in a small
rural town, within walking distance of my daughter's primary school. 
I have a close network of family and friends in the area, and they
provide invaluable support.  I'm active in the school, in my church,
and in the local ambulance association (which gives my kids a lot of
good male role models).  Staying in this community and in this house
is very important to me, and I would go back to work full-time if I
had to in order to support that choice.

On the other hand, my spending habits have been careless enough that
"spending less" has a lot of financial leverage for me.  I am going to
try just about all your ideas, and I promise to write back in a few
months to let you know how it is going.  (Going car-less won't work in
this town, but it does make sense to re-evaluate my driving habits and
whether it really makes sense to hold onto my paid-for, but
fuel-inefficient vehicle.  I am also realizing that there are a number
of things I could do - e.g., change from paper to cloth napkins - that
would be both less expensive and more environmentally responsible. 
Plus basic stuff like turning down the thermostat and putting on the
sweaters.)

This morning, I sat down and added up my most obvious fixed monthly
expenses (I've been afraid to do that), so I have the beginnings of a
handle on the problem.  I also took some advice from one of the
referenced articles and took all my credit cards (except for the
American Express card), put them inside a carton of milk, and put that
carton in the freezer.  Thus making them inaccessible without allowing
enough time to thaw.  I have also decided on a weekly amount for cash
expenditures.  I am going to withdraw that amount at the beginning of
the week, and stop spending after I have gone through it (is that
going to be a shock to the system!).
  
Thanks again to all of you for your caring and thoughtful advice.  I
accept it with gratitude as a Christmas present.  I'll write back in a
few months and let you know how it is going.

Natalieemt-ga

Hi natalieemt-ga!

Interesting question! It reminds me of a something I learned from one
of my professors in graduate school. This professor used to run her
own private psychotherapy office and she put together a handbook on
dealing with different kinds of issues. Anyway, one point that she
made (both in lectures and in her handbook) that has stuck with me is
one about "motivation."

She talked about how she wanted to exercise, but just didn't have the
motivation. She kept using this "lack of motivation" as an excuse to
not exercise. And then she began to look at it this way--"I don't need
motivation. I simply need to put on my running shoes and DO IT!" And
that was that. A slight change in perspective made all the difference!

Clearly you have GREAT incentive (staying home as much as possible
with your children), so perhaps some slight change in perspective
could help you in this. I'm not sure what that might be at this point,
but as soon as I read your question, this story came to mind, so I
thought I'd share it with you. I hope it helps at least a little! I
admire what it is you're striving to do!

Happy Holidays!
Boquinha-ga

A lot of folk find it difficult to adjust their spending to some lower
income level. It's happening all the time. I guess this is because for
many years we have been conditioned to ever-increasing income levels.

One person I know (and admire) has managed it after huge initial difficulties.

She has put away all her credit cards for use only in an emergency.

She has opened a new bank account that is dedicated to her bills. A
regular amount goes in every month and she never takes anything out
except for the mandatory stuff.

She also has a savings account and she tucks away as much as she can
every time she has some spare cash.

She now enjoys watching her savings grow.

It's simply an attitude of mind.

And you can do it, too.

C'mon get started RIGHT AWAY.

And Good Luck!

Bryan

Hi natalieemt,

Nice article at this link. 
http://www.ivillage.com/money/life_stage/deepdebt/articles/0,,165368_244273,00.html


Good Luck to you! :)
tlspiegel

Do you have anything that you have bought, never used, and is residing
in a closet? Put it on display, force yourself to defend its purchase.
That means clothes worn once, appliances used once or twice ever,
books never opened...

Transfer a small amount of money into a saving account every payday,
and have it done automatically. Gradually increase the amount. It's
harder to spend money you don't have, and most people become proud of
how much they have saved.

If you smoke, stop.

Try this:

Imagine that your very best friend is in a precarious financial
situation, with month left at the end of the money.  He/she come to
you with a box of receipts and payslips and cries on your shoulder.

With your background, you immediately leap in to help - organise all
of the expenses, start a log for him/her to keep up to date, and set
up a computer-based expense tracking system. You go over it carefully
and prioritise and identify avoidable expenditure and together,
develop a plan. Every day, you call him/her and make sure that that
the plan is being adhered to.

Now - if you would do that for you best friend, shouldn't you do it for yourself?

Natalieemt,
Discipline is a very big part of the equation. If you're a person who
succumbs to a temptation just because it's there, then you will have
quite a problem. For people like you, many "daring" tips have been
offered, though they cannot apply to all, and it will always be a
different case with every person.

I read the book "The Millionaire Next Door", which Boquinha above also
has read, and it contains sound financial management priniciples which
not only help make millionaires, but are applicable to keeping any
person's finances intact. For example, it may surprise you that most
millionaires are not fooled by designer labels or names, because if
they find a thrift shop with shoes worth $30 that work as well as $300
shoes from Nine West or Saks (I'm just guessing prices here), they'll
go for the thrift shop shoes. Another is that credit doesn't really
pay, so millionaires often like to pay in cash, and keep only one or
two credit cards. If you have a squad of credit cards, best cancel the
lot of them and leave only one or two (one is better), so you won't be
tempted to buy on credit everytime you see something. But if they're
all roiled in debt, well, you know what to do first.

This is all I have to offer for now. Hope my suggestions start you on
a road of discovery. :)

Hi Natalieemt,

When I was a newly divorced single mother on a limited income and
trying to learn to fly (an expensive undertaking, but one I wanted
with all my heart!) I had a little trick that worked for me. 
Everytime I was tempted to spend money on something, I'd translate its
price into flying hours as in, "Well this thing costs $10, that's .2
hours of flying," or "$25 for that?? That's worth a half-hour of
flying time! No thanks," and so forth.  Since I knew what flying cost
it wasn't too difficult to do a little mental calculation and since
whatever it was that was tempting me would cost me flying time, it
also wasn't too difficult to forego it in favor of that which I wanted
more.

Perhaps you could adjust this little trick to your situation.  Since
staying home with your children is your top priority, why not try to
get in the habit of translating what you purchase into time lost with
your kids?  Putting it in those terms might make it easier to bypass
by temptation.  If you say to yourself, "Well buying this item means
two hours that I'll have to spend at work away from my children" or
"Spending this much money on lunch means I'll have to go back to work
full time one day sooner ...." Well, you get the idea.

I hope this helps a little.  Like the others I admire your
determination and wish you the best of luck!

Happy Holidays to you and your children! 
Byrd-ga

These sites offer some interesting perspectives on the psychological
issues associated with spending:
http://www.familyresource.com/finance/8/296/
http://www.nocourtdivorce.com/articles_text.phtml?articleID=12

Now for some quasi-psychological thoughts from me (no qualifications
here, just countless chats over a cuppa with friends!)

Do you feel you somehow don't 'deserve' to allowed to stay at home --
is it a difficult life being a single mum and deep down are you
retaliating against 'punishment' or do you feel it's something you
love so much that you feel unworthy so deep down you're trying to
sabotage it?

Or could it be that when you were 'full time corporate' were you or
your associates scornful or less than respectful of stay-at-home mums?
Is there a stigma attached to your new status that could explain your
actions?

Give yourself permission to buy your lunch, like just corporate full
timers, when you're working or you could make yourself a fantastic
brown bag lunch (far better than anything you could buy at the health
food store)and give yourself an allowance to buy some of the treats
you obviously need to reward yourself for coping with your new life.
But write yourself a list of "Things I Absolutely, Positively Must Do"
including getting Quicken fired up, establishing a budget -- and
sticking to it, working out ways to save money -- and doing it! --
establishing a limited access savings account (that has been a
lifesaver to me this year! I actually have savings again!)

You're doing a tough job and no matter that single parenting is a
normal way of life for so many people these days, it's hard work.
Remember to congratulate yourself every now and then for the great job
you're doing.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.

If you have a car, get rid of it.  If this does not "fit" your
situation, MOVE!  The last time I looked, (over twenty years ago),
Austin, Texas was the least expensive cost-of-living city in the US. 
byrd-ga might know something about this.
I know that I'm not addressing the bulk of your question, about
self-doubt, but I'm wondering if you're being too hard on yourself. 
Cost-of-living expenses can be devastating, and they are always
subject to abrupt rises.
Recently, in New York City, the cost of natural gas went up 28%,
overnight, and is expected to go up 51%, shortly, so heating your
house with gas has just devastated a lot of folks.  Some Congressman
is stammering about "investigating" the reasons for the increase, but
"me thinks the fix is in".
Most persons, (over 94%), that buy a new house, move less than ten
miles.  So I know that my advice may be useless to you, because you
would not want to "lose" all your friends, family and part-time job by
moving to a new, unknown situation.  There are undoubtedly a myriad of
other reasons you might not want to "pull up roots", to save money. 
But it is the only really effective way, in my opinion, to save the
most, while you apply all the above suggestions to your arsenal of
"thrift" ideas.
Could there be any harm in checking my advice/direction out?  Who
knows?  Maybe there's a low cost-of-living location near to you. This
would include the necessity of being a location where you would be
able to "function" comfortably without owning/operating a car,
although you may not have one now....
Best Wishes, and God Bless,
trueparent-GA

Clearly you are concerned about depleting your savings.  I suppose if
you had $10 million in the bank, you wouldn't be asking the question.

In your married life, you had two good full time paying jobs.  Now you
have one part time paying job, with 1/4 (maybe less) of the income you
used to have.

I think you need to seriously decide what is important to you.  You
say you 'prefer' to work part time in order to spend time with your
kids.  Unfortunately, this preference comes at a cost, which is the
depletion of your savings.  Its just a matter of time before this
luxury is no longer yours.

I don't want to seem too harsh, but it seems to me you are being
irresponsible by drawing on your savings for your living expenses.

I think you should consider the future and plan for life's many
unexpected expenses.

What if you car breaks down and you need $5000 in repairs?  What if
you or your family have medical expenses not covered by your insurance
plan?  What will you do when your savings is totally gone? What if you
are incapacitated and can no longer work?  What will you live on in
your senior years? The list goes on...

I'm not a psychologist, but it appears you are hurting in some way and
are trying to dull the pain by overeating and overspending.

Time to be more financially responsible.  If you continue on this
path, soon your savings will turn into debt.

Inasmuch as I can appreciate you wanting to spend time with your
children, the harsh reality is that you cannot afford to do so.  If it
were me, I would go back to work full time to build, rather than
deplete your assets.

Food for thought.

I recommend that you read "Your Money Or Your Life." This book helps
you get at the root of your spending habits (the psycological reasons
for it), and helps you change those habits to much more healthy ones.
Here's the Amazon link, but you should be able to find it in any good
bookstore:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0140286780/qid=1072204070//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i0_xgl14/002-0375667-8300069?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

As someone who has also done Weight Watchers, I think you could
probably adapt a lot of their approaches to this. It's not all that
different really.

From personal experience, the first thing that always helps me is to
sit down with my bills and look at how much debt and how many expenses
I have. I find that I need to do this periodically. It's far too easy
to conveniently forget just what your financial picture is--kind of
like not looking at the scale for months on end. If you don't get an
accurate look at your situation, it's too easy for your mind to make
up something you can safely ignore. Think of this as stock-taking and
it's always been like a splash of cold water on my spending.

Then I think you need to look at where the money is going. Are there
items that typically eat up the bulk of it? What are your weaknesses?
If you've done Weight Watchers than you've probably kept a food diary.
It's really the same thing. Once you know where your defenses are
weakest, you can shore them up.

It's not going to be a simple or painless process, but as some of the
others have said, I think you just need to sit down and do it.

I know you didn't want financial advice, but there's a great book out
there called "Get a Financial Life" that I found particularly useful.
It covers a lot of the basics and what I really loved about it is that
it is not geared toward someone making 6-figures who's having trouble
deciding where to invest. Good, solid practical advice and although
the subtitle says 20s and 30s, it really broke down a lot of things
for me.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684872617/qid%3D1030083941/sr%3D1-1/ref%3Dsr%5F1%5F1/002-1353501-7009649

Best of luck to you.
Regards,
luciaphile-ga

I can tell you a fool-proof method of saving twenty dollars, if that helps.

regards;
tutuzdad-ga

Hello natalieemt,

I know your situation exactly, although when it happened to me I had
to stay in full time work just to survive, since the mortgage was
eating 35% of my salary - well, I could have gone on the dole, but
have a big block against doing that. For several years, I had to cope
with buying all our clothes secondhand from charity shops, except for
school uniform, and haunting the supermarket just before closing time,
when a lot of near-expiry food would be reduced.

One thing that helped was choosing a not too expensive treat/luxury
(something I wouldn't otherwise buy for myself) and using that as
motivation not to spend money on something else.  For example, taking
sandwiches to work rather than buying them for a month and then using
a proportion of what I'd saved to fund the "reward".

The other thing I did was to find work I could do at home late at
night, in order to invest energy into earning rather than into saving
- at various times I have done, and still do, indexing, editing,
proofreading and translation, but basically you need to look at what
you have to offer. I ended up boosting my income by 50% like this
without losing time with the girls. Some of that money was invested
into buying stock to sell on eBay, which returned on average 50%
profit.  The beauty is that over the last 10 years or so, all this has
developed to a point where I have just been able to chuck in the day
job to become a full time freelance working from home, looking to earn
more than I ever did as an employee :)

Oh, by the way, since my brain cannot cope with columns of figures, I
have never ever produced budgets for myself, and now pay an accountant
to look after my business accounts.  You mention your financial
background - instead of trying to apply it to yourself, you could
apply to sort out other people's problems - for a fee.

Dear Natalie,

Except for the weight part, I know someone just like you, and
honestly, I think you need some outside help (outside of you). You
need a peresonal financial advisor, perhaps, to take you through the
steps of financial planning and executing.

I think that there are many well-educated women out there, who know
all the answers about how to manage money, but planning or executing a
plan is very difficult unless one has a deadline, running out of money
soon,  or dieing.  We humans are weird that way.  And us women are
more dependent on social relationships to get things done, than say
men. This is why we need others.  It could be a new husband,
boyfriend, best-friend, or professional--basically, anyone who's best
interest in your financial success.

The bottom line is that perhaps we're all like children, needing
guidance, corrigation, castigation, or a pat on the back.  These
things you cannot do for yourself.  Invest in yourself by getting
someone else to do it.

Meanwhile, definitely cut dump expenses like $3-lattes, and such.

Claudietta