below is plea to a college i would like to attend again from yrs ago
and i would like it if you could help me word this as best as possible
and they have requested it to be proof read!
if you proof read and have experience only those apply.

i expect a personal opinion on what you would also suggest to how i
can better word this. i probably have more stuff i could add i just
cant remember what i could add from what has changed since then.

here it is and i have added --- for the school name to keep the info
private from the public.

Dear ---
I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my plea for
acceptance back into ---. I also want to mention that no matter what
you decide I have always looked back at --- as a high learning
experience and a great opportunity to have gone to the college. The
teachers are very helpful and great to work with. Thank you for that.
	The reason I want to continue my education with --- and not any other
college is quite obvious. The college has shown me how great it is to
learn new things, and adapt to growing changes in the world today. If
I could of changed the past I would of but we cannot and I have to
continue on from here.
	It started as something simple, and then grew much larger overtime.
The major cause of the problems with my studying at ---, was
Depression from death in the family. I was unhappy at the place of
employment at the time also which certainly didn?t help at all. It was
a lot to take on including full time at ---. I thought I could handle
everything going on in my life but as you can see from the academic
standing I could not. If I only cut down to half time, I possibly
could have been in a lot better situtaion, not overworked, and trying
to keep up with everything.
	Here I am at year 2004 and now things are a lot different I?ve
established a Self Employment business which I have been working as of
December 2002. I also plan on, if accepted, attending only part time
until I can handle a full time semester. Things are much more stable
now in my life and I?m very eager to continue my education where I
left off. Please accept my plea to continue at --- and further educate
myself.
Thanks again

Hello Aot~

I'll just dig right in :)


<<<I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my plea for
acceptance back into ---. >>>

In writing, less if often more. Instead of the wordy "I want to thank
you for..." why not "Thank you for taking the time..."? Even with this
change, the sentence is overly wordy.

Also, since you're writing, not speaking, the word to use would not be
"listen" but "read."

<<<I also want to mention that no matter what you decide I have always
looked back at --- as a high learning experience and a great
opportunity to have gone to the college. >>>

Again, there's no need for "I also want to mention..." Just mention it
:) (For example: "No matter what you...")

Your tenses are a bit confused. Instead of "I have always looked..."
try "I will always remember -- as a..."

There should be a comma after "decide." The words "high learning" read
like a corrupted version of "higher learning;" try "an invigorating
learning experience and a wonderful opportunity..."

<<<The teachers are very helpful and great to work with. Thank you for
that. The reason I want to continue my education with --- and not any
other college is quite obvious.>>>

A new paragraph at "The reason..." 

Using the words "quite obvious" is always risky. Your reader, very
likely, doesn't know why it's "quite obvious."

<<< The college has shown me how great it is to learn new things, and
adapt to growing changes in the world today.>>>

The college has shown you this? Or the faculty at the college? 

You're also using the word "great" a lot. Only use it once, then find synonyms.

<<< If I could of changed the past I would of but we cannot and I have
to continue on from here.>>>

A comma after "past" and "would." Cut the word "of" (after "I would"),
and make the remaining a new sentence.

<<< It started as something simple, and then grew much larger overtime.>>>

"Simple" and "large" don't go hand-in-hand in this sentence. "Simple"
and "complicated" would be fine, as would "small" and "large,"
depending upon your meaning.


<<<The major cause of the problems with my studying at ---, was
Depression from death in the family.>>>

This is a very rough sentence. How about something like "The major
reason I had trouble studying was..."? "Depression" is not
capitalized. Also, who died? How close were you to them? Etc. This
will strengthen your argument, if you keep it terse and compelling.

<<< I was unhappy at the place of employment at the time also which
certainly didn?t help at all. >>>

This is irrelevant. I would cut it. Honestly, the letter is sounding
like you aren't accepting any blame...which isn't going to help your
cause with the college. Instead, make it clear you accept full blame
for your actions.

<<<It was a lot to take on including full time at ---. >>>

Lots of students work and go to school full time; this isn't a
compelling argument. I would cut it.


<<<I thought I could handle everything going on in my life but as you
can see from the academic standing I could not. >>>

Comma after "life." Instead of "you can see from the academic standing
I could not" how about "as you can see from my academic record, I
could not?"

<<<If I only cut down to half time, I possibly could have been in a
lot better situtaion, not overworked, and trying to keep up with
everything.>>>

This is irrelevant. Instead, I would assure whomever you're writing to
that your life is more settled now, and that you have a plan that will
ensure academic success. Be specific, but terse. (Also, the word is
spelled: Situation.)


<<< Here I am at year 2004 and now things are a lot different I?ve
established a Self Employment business which I have been working as of
December 2002.>>>

A "Self Employment business?" Do you mean that you've established
yourself in your own business, and therefore are self employed? ("Self
employed" is not capitalized.) This is really irrelevant, unless you
can show that being self employed will give you more time to pursue
academics.

 <<<I also plan on, if accepted, attending only part time until I can
handle a full time semester. >>>

Think positively: "When I return to collage, I will attend only part
time, until I can handle a full load."

<<<Things are much more stable now in my life and I?m very eager to
continue my education where I left off. Please accept my plea to
continue at --- and further educate
myself. Thanks again>>>

There's no need to say again that your life is more stable, if you've
successfully made your argument earlier in the letter. I would cut
"Things are....my life and," so that the last part of the letter
reads: "I'm very eager to continue my education, and am sure I can be
a successful student at --. I hope that you'll agree with me. I look
forward to your reply. Sincerely, XXX."

Remember what your intent is: You want to show the person you're
writing to that you've got your life straightened out, have a plan for
pursuing an education that will work, that you're eager to learn, and
are excited about the college. Anything in your letter that doesn't
serve this purpose should be cut.

Good luck!

Kriswrite

---

Request for Answer Clarification by aot-ga on 16 Jan 2004 19:33 PST

I've revised and request final verification.


Thank you for taking the time to read to my plea for acceptance back
into ---. No matter what you decide I will always remember --- as a an
invigorating learning experience and a wonderful opportunity to have
gone to the college. The teachers are very helpful and great to work
with. Thank you for that.
	The reason I want to continue my education with --- is that the
faculty at the college has shown me how to adapt to growing changes in
the world today. If I could of changed the past, I would.  But we
cannot and I have to continue on from here.
	It started as something simple, and then grew much more complicated
overtime. The major cause of the problems with my studying at ---, was
a death in my family from someone very close to me, my grandfather.
You can see from the academic standing I could not handle the
situation. My life is much more stable then it was. Now things are a
lot different I have established myself in my own business which I
will have more time for academic work. When I return to the college I
plan on attending only part time until I can handle a full load. I'm
very eager to continue my education, and am sure I can be
a successful student at ---. I hope that you'll agree with me. I look
forward to your reply.

---

Clarification of Answer by kriswrite-ga on 16 Jan 2004 20:57 PST

Hi again Aot~

<<<as a an invigorating learning experience >>>
A typo: Cut the word "a"

<<<If I could of changed the past, I would. >>>
This is grammatically shaky. Try: "If I could change the past, there's
no doubt I would."

<<< But we cannot and I have to continue on from here.>>>
This sentence is unnecessary.

<<<	It started as something simple, and then grew much more complicated
overtime.>>>
Over time is TWO words :)

 <<<The major cause of the problems with my studying at ---, >>>
Make it more simple: The major reason for my problems studying at --"

<<<was a death in my family from someone very close to me, >>>
The "from" is grammatically incorrect. "...was the death of someone
very close to me: my grandfather."

<<<You can see from the academic standing>>>
The "the" is incorrect. Insert "my" instead

<<<life is much more stable then it was. >>>
THAN it was.

<<<Now things are a lot different I have established myself in my own
business which I will have more time for academic work.>>>
Several problems here. For one thing, the use of the word "which" is
incorrect. Try: "Now I have established myself in my own business,
which will allow me time for my academic pursuits." Also, you need to
state that you are now recovered from your grandfather's death.

 <<<When I return to the college I>>>
Don't forget your commas. There should be one after "college."

<<<plan on attending only part time until I can handle a full load.>>>
I would cut the word "only."

<<< I'm very eager to continue my education, and am sure I can be
a successful student at ---. >>>
You left out a word: "I'm very eager to continue my education, and I'm
sure..." Also, it will sound stronger if you say you WILL be a
successful student.

Kriswrite

---

Request for Answer Clarification by aot-ga on 17 Jan 2004 12:53 PST

Here it is again.



	Thank you for taking the time to read to my plea for acceptance back
into ---. No matter what you decide I will always remember --- as an
invigorating learning experience and a wonderful opportunity to have
gone to the college. The teachers are very helpful and great to work
with. Thank you for that.
	The reason I want to continue my education with --- is that the
faculty at the college has shown me how to adapt to growing changes in
the world today. If I could change the past, no doubt I would.
	It started as something simple, and then grew much more complicated
over time. The major reason for my problems studying at ---, was a
death of someone very close to me: my grandfather. You can see from my
academic standing I could not handle the situation. My life is much
more stable than it was. Now I have established myself in my own
business, which will allow me time for my academic pursuits. I have
recovered from my grandfather?s death.
	When I return to the college, I plan on attending part time until I
can handle a full load. I'm very eager to continue my education, and I
will be
a successful student at ---. I hope that you'll agree with me. I look
forward to your reply.

---

Clarification of Answer by kriswrite-ga on 17 Jan 2004 13:17 PST

Hi again Aot~

I will be happy to check this for you again. But it might be helpful
for you to know that it really should be posted as a separate
question; your original question only asked for one proofreading.  :)


<<<	The reason I want to continue my education with --- is that the
faculty at the college has shown me how to adapt to growing changes in
the world today. >>>

A minor thing that will improve the reading: "The reason I want to
continue my education with -- is that the faculty has shown me..." 
("At the college" is unnecessary.)

<<<If I could change the past, no doubt I would.>>>

The "no doubt" is unnecessary.


 <<<The major reason for my problems studying at ---, was a
death of someone very close to me: my grandfather. >>>

THE death. A person can only die once. (Grin.)

Otherwise, it looks much better! :)

Kriswrite

everything was ok..... exceptional answers, i was just concerned with
the fact i was told to try the "no doubt" then told it's not needed.
thanks for the help

Could Of or Could Have?
http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000204.htm

hlabadie-ga

Aot~

Thank you for the tip :)  I appreciate it.

With regard to the "no doubt" phrase, in the context of the rest of
your letter (which had been almost entirely rewritten), it was no
longer necessary.

Good luck!
Kriswrite