Dear funbobby-ga;
Thank you for allowing me an opportunity to answer your interesting question.
I can take no position on whether divorce is right or wrong or whether
it is the lesser of two evils as defined by the people who have
resorted to it, but the stories of regret related to divorce are many.
I have known several people in my personal life who have openly
regretted leaving a spouse and/or children for someone else, some of
whom actually pursued their ex-spouse (and some successfully) while
others mourned their decision for the rest of their lives.
My own mother was one of these people. Though her reasons for
divorcing were valid and staying with my father would not have changed
the dynamics of what had become of their marriage, what she ultimatley
regretted was "giving up" on it altogether. As I said, it wouldn't
have changed anything had she not chosen to divorce but what she lost
(in her mind) was the possiblity that her life with my father would
ever have had even the remotest chance of suvivial. She regretted her
decision even though it was the right one to make - which differs
somewhat from who who realize they've made a mistake by getting
divorced. So you see, there are many different kinds of regret where
divorce is concerned.
I will try to focus on those who regret their decision because it was
unwarranted, or when there was a still glimmer of hope and realized
their errors later on. Here are some statistics and testimonials from
those who found themselves in similar situations:
??many divorced people in the United States apparently wish they had
made a greater effort to make their marriage work. In Minnesota, 66
percent of those who are currently divorced answered "yes" to the
question "Do you wish you and your ex-spouse had tried harder to work
through your differences?" And in a New Jersey poll, 46 percent of
divorced people reported that they wished they and their ex-spouse had
tried harder to work through their differences. Research from
Australia indicates that of people who divorce "one third regret the
decision five years later. Of the individuals involved, two in five
(40 percent) believe their divorce could have been avoided" (William
J. Doherty, 1999)?
UTAH MARRIAGE
http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE13
?Oh, that I had been more wise and not let my pride be my downfall. I
can tell you with knowledge that a seemingly endless tragedy does
await! The mornings do come when you awake, call her name and then
realize that you are alone in a house that is ever silent and does not
answer back.?
UTAH MARRIAGE
http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE13
?Apparently many married couples seriously contemplate divorce, may
even see a lawyer or file for divorce, and then decide not to proceed
with the terminating process. In Utah, for example, in the year 2000,
12,574 couples filed for divorce, but only 10,138 divorces were
actually granted (CORIS Database, 2000). Thus, for various reasons,
one in five couples who filed for divorce decided not to continue the
termination process. Their decision may be well-founded. The vast
majority of unhappily married couples in the United States apparently
do improve their relationship if they stay married.?
UTAH MARRIAGE
http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE13
?My husband has agreed to come home to work on our marriage. He has
stopped seeing the [other woman] and this morning he emailed me and
told me he still loves me. I know it will not be easy for us as he
will have to go back to work in a far away city where [the other
woman] lives and works with him everyday. And then, of course, there
are the other issues of our marriage that helped to fuel the fire for
his affair. Thank you for giving me hope and thank you for making me
realize divorce is so very harmful. I looked at my daughters today for
the first time since that awful phone call and cried because there is
still hope of them having the Daddy they have always loved.?
THE SOLUTION STORE
http://www.divorcebusting.com/db.mv?ARTID=success
There are many such testimonials on this page. Here are a few other
excerpts as examples:
?Although a part of me wanted to stay married to him and I loved him,
I knew that I could no longer live the same way with the same man. I
needed change. I had to change. I started to live life for me and my
son. As far as I was concerned, my husband had to live with the
natural consequences of his actions?[after the separation] WE decided
to postpone the court date and work on the marriage in early February
1999. He moved back in April 1999 and things have been good, often
great, ever since!?
THE SOLUTION STORE
http://www.divorcebusting.com/db.mv?ARTID=success
?For those of you who are new here my wife asked me to leave about 3
months ago. She said that it was over and that she wasn't in love with
me and that we were never getting back together. I have been married
for 7 years and together for 10 we have to girls ages 3 and 6?[after
the separation] Slowly things started to change. We spent a little
time each week together with the kids with no pressure, no trying to
hold her hand, no trying to kiss or hug her. In time she would give me
a little hug, squeeze my hand when I left, and call me dear or honey
on the phone. We still have work to do on our relationship but I now
know that things will work out.?
THE SOLUTION STORE
http://www.divorcebusting.com/db.mv?ARTID=success
In her book, THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO HEAR
By Maggie Gallagher (Doubleday), the author point out this very thing
? that many couples who opt for divorce regret their decisions ? and
attempts to explain why:
?And things often get better on their own with time. "The Case for
Marriage" points out that many spouses, who reported their marriages
to be at the bottom of the scale on marital satisfaction, when asked
again five years later, reported being at the top on marital
happiness. When asked what changed, many had no idea. It seems that
keeping your vows - hanging in through the "for worse" times - can get
you to the promised land.?
THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO HEAR
http://www.smartmarriages.com/case.for.maggie.html
In the book, DOES DIVORCE MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY? FINDINGS FROM A STUDY OF
UNHAPPY MARRIAGES By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty,
Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, seemingly unhappy
marriages are examined and astonishingly, most of those proved
salvageable and indeed became much happier due in large part to the
conflict the partners overcame. The implication here of course is that
had the couple divorced, the regret may well have been much more
painful than the endurance of, and commitment to, the marriage that
was temporarily on the rocks.
DOES DIVORCE MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY? FINDINGS FROM A STUDY OF UNHAPPY MARRIAGES
http://www.smartmarriages.com/does.divorce.html
Psychiatrist Dr. William Callahan tells us that regret, especially in
middle-aged adults, can be an extremely powerful reaction. The
suggestion here is that life altering decisions such as divorce can
have a much greater impact us later in life and the potential that we
might regret our actions is statistically much more likely at this
time in our lives:
"Especially after middle age, regret can become a very powerful factor
in the way people think about themselves," said Dr. William Callahan,
an Irvine, Calif., psychiatrist. "I hear it all the time: 'I never got
close to my children' or 'I promised myself I'd never be the
reincarnation of my father, and I've become him.?
'REGRETS? I'VE HAD A FEW ...'
http://www.hscareers.com/news/articles.asp?id=346
In this same article a study from Neal Roese, University of Illinois
in Urbana-Champaign is cited, and listed in part were the top five
most commonly reported regrets. Number three on that list was "I
married the wrong person for me." "I never should have left my first
husband [or spouse]."
This study reported that the major reasons marriages fail are (in rank
order) (1) infidelity, (2) no longer in love, (3) emotional problems,
(4) financial problems, (5) sexual problems, (6) problems with
in-laws, (7) neglect of children, (8) physical abuse, (9) alcohol,
(10) job conflicts (11) communication problems, and (12) married too
young. (Olson and DeFrain, p. 522)
As you can clearly see, there are valid reasons to regret in the
dissolution of marriages for these reasons, because they are all quite
simply (for the most part) avoidable. Presumably, upon reflection (and
perhaps some maturity) people often think back on what they could, or
should not have done to avoid these circumstances and ultimately made
the marriages work.
In this same article, Brent A. Barlow, Ph.D., author of MARRIAGE
CROSSROADS WHY DIVORCE IS OFTEN NOT THE BEST OPTION (RATIONALE,
RESOURCES AND REFERENCES), says:
?My current estimates are that about one-third of the couples who
divorce feel they made the right decision, another one-third are
uncertain or have mixed feelings about their divorce, and
approximately one-third of divorced couples eventually regret the
decision within five years.?
BYU FAMILIES UNDER FIRE
http://ce.byu.edu/cw/fuf/2002/BrentABarlow2002.htm
This is not exclusively an American trend either. Another study
conducted in Scotland indicated:
?Many regret divorce. The standard research shows that over 50% of men
and 28% of women regret getting divorced. In 10% of cases both husband
and wife regret divorcing each other.?
MARRIAGE?WORTH FIGHTING FOR
http://www.christianscotland.org/publications/marriageworthfightingfor.htm
More on these statistics is mentioned here:
LORDS HANSARD
http://www.parliament.the-stationery-office.co.uk/pa/ld199596/ldhansrd/vo951130/text/51130-04.htm
A very detailed study from Australia shows men?s? and women?s?
perceived levels of post-divorce regret versus satisfaction. In
summary, 83 percent of women reaffirmed that if they had to make the
decision again they would still get divorced, while only 67 percent of
men said the same thing. Conversely, of course, 17 percent of women
and 33 percent of men reported that they, to some extent, regret their
decisions:
WOMEN
http://www.aifs.org.au/institute/pubs/WP20tables.html#table8
MEN
http://www.aifs.org.au/institute/pubs/WP20tables.html#table9
SOURCE: Working paper No. 20 June 1999
TOWARDS UNDERSTANDING THE REASONS FOR DIVORCE
Ilene Wolcott and Jody Hughes
http://www.aifs.org.au/institute/pubs/WP20.html#post
So, in short, you are correct in your assumption that the darker side
of divorce does not get the publicity it deserves. In fact, it is a
multi-billion dollar industry and it quite fashionable in some
cultures. It does seem that the trend toward commitment is making
somewhat of a comeback in these times of uncertainty when people are
much more likely to gravitate toward the ones with whom they have
strong bonds. In addition, it appears that the belief that divorce is
an alternative that promises greater adult happiness is not
necessarily as prolific as it once was. It may be that we have learned
through several generations and a comedy of human errors that our
ancestors were right about the sanctity and importance of commitment
and marriage ? as bad as some people would hate to admit it.
Below you will find that I have carefully defined my search strategy
for you in the event that you need to search for more information. By
following the same type of searches that I did you may be able to
enhance the research I have provided even further. I hope you find
that that my research exceeds your expectations. If you have any
questions about my research please post a clarification request prior
to rating the answer. Otherwise, I welcome your rating and your final
comments and I look forward to working with you again in the near
future. Thank you for bringing your question to us.
Best regards;
Tutuzdad ? Google Answers Researcher
INFORMATION SOURCES
Defined above
SEARCH STRATEGY
SEARCH ENGINES USED:
Google ://www.google.com
SEARCH TERMS USED:
REGRET, DIVORCE, DECISIONS, POST DIVORCE, SATISFACTION, TESTIMONIALS, STATISTICS |
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