Hi There !

My business partner and I are financial planners.  We are trying to
devise a Mission Statement, to be posted in our brochures and offices.
We are amateurs at copywriting.  Here's what we have thus far:

"To provide guaranteed investments to people approaching retirement,
with no worry of ever losing a single nickel."

As they used to say in 1940s movies...get me rewrite !

A 5-star answer would be 3 new versions that convey the same idea. 
Could be different grammar, different words completely, or different
combinations of the same words I've used.

Our most important criteria for the Mission Statement are brevity,
directness, and simplicity. (Colloquialisms are fine----less formal is better.)

No web sites or references needed.  Just your writing skills.

All comments greatly appreciated !

ron

Hello nronronronro~

Here are my suggestions, from my least favorite to most favorite. I've
included five, instead of just three, to give you more bang for your
buck :)

5. Fully guaranteed investments, ideal for people reaching retirement.

4. Investments for those nearing retirement--fully guaranteed, so you
won't loose a nickel.

3. Guaranteed investments, perfect for those approaching retirement.

2. Offering guaranteed investments to those approaching retirement. 

1. Investments for people reaching retirement--guaranteed, so you
won't loose a penny!

Regards,
Kriswrite

kriswrite---absolutely terrific answer !

(I wrote that myself.  heh   heh   heh)

Thanks a million !
ron

Why three?

Surely one perfect one is preferable?

Here it is: 

Retire in Comfort with Fully Guaranteed Investments. And that?s our PROMISE!

Hi, Kriswrite

How nice of you to list your suggestions in that order.

And what a clever lead in to my favourite to which I omitted to assign a number.

So, please, make mine Zero.

By the way, it's a Complimentary offer, so you can take FULL CREDIT for all Six. 

And that's my PROMISE!

Hi, Ron.

I thought I'd toss in my own two cents. If you're curious, I've done a
bit of copywriting, but my tradecraft is speechwriting.

If you're trying to build a mission statement, I would strongly
recommend you read one of Harry Beckwith's books ("Selling the
Invisible," etc.) They're invaluable to the service professional, and
you'll get through any one in about two hours.

Having said that, I'll offer a few suggestions. You say "less formal
is better." In that case, you may want to move away from a dependent
clause mission statement, and think more in terms of a slogan.

A formal version might be:

"To establish financial security for your retirement."

Whereas something more informal might be:

"Our expertise is your future: Building financial security through
guaranteed, no-risk investments."

Even less formal:

"You worry about the present. We'll take care of your future."

I'm generally not crazy about anything negative (like "worry") in ad
copy, but it depends how informal you're looking to be.

A few more (informal) alternatives:

"We'll build your future, guaranteed. If you lose a nickel, we'll give you three."

"We'll secure your retirement through wisdom, hard work, and no-risk
investments. Trust us with your fairy-tale ending."

"Looking toward the future? So are we. Build your retirement today, so
you can relax tomorrow."

"The future can be certain. Ask us about guaranteed, no-risk
investments for your retirement."

General tips: You want strong, active verbs, and vivid nouns. If you
want something informal, then you can sacrifice brevity for tone. Your
goal is to entice passerby into becoming customers (so to speak), so
you needn't even describe your services, really -- you just need a
tease.

And you've probably already considered this, but it's worth noting:
Depending on the services you provide, you might check with a lawyer
before advertising "guaranteed investments."

Finally: Not to nitpick, but if you consider Kriswrite's suggestions,
note that (4) and (1) should use "lose" instead of "loose." FYI.

Good luck.

Cribcage is absolutely correct about "loose" verses "lose." What can I
say? I'm a writer, not an editor :)

Kriswrite

probonopublico-----I love it. Thanks for taking the time to write.

I'll utilize extra u's for the next 24 hours (favourite, humour, etc.)
in your honour.

That's my promise to you!

ron

cribcage---absolutely wonderful comments and insights.
I will get the Beckwith book right away.

Separately, you are absolutely correct about checking with a lawyer. 
There are different advertising rules for government guarantees versus
insurance company guarantees.  (Although the way the public debt is
growing, it might be safer to go with a private company.   heh  heh 
heh)

Thanks again for taking the time.  I greatly appreciate it !
ron

Hi, Ron

Sorry that or spelling was not flly to yor liking. Here's a revision:

Retire in Comfort with Flly Garanteed Investments. And that?s or PROMISE!

Bryan

Yor gr

heh   heh   heh

Or, as the Québécois say:

le heh    le heh    le heh


Probonopublico, thanks again for your comments!  They always make me laugh.

ron