I just moved in with my girlfriend of two years and everything is
perfect -- except one major problem. She smokes and all of her friends
smoke and I don't smoke and I hate the smell of smoke. Before moving
in I told her I wanted to live in a non-smoking environment but when
we moved in and had a few friends over she quickly realized that few
of her friends would ever want to visit our apartment if the can't
smoke. To appease them I told them that if they really had to smoke
they could if they opened the window and sat by it -- I don't mind if
a couple of people smoke a few ciggies as long as the apartment
doesn't smell like smoke. I went out for a few hours and came back to
four people sitting around a table next to an open window chain
smoking -- there were at least a pack of butts in the ash tray from
just a few hours. They apartment smelled heavily of smoke. Obviously
not what I had in mind when I said that they could smoke by the
window.
Is there any way to find common ground here? I want her to be happy
and be able to have her friends over but they won't visit if they
can't smoke. Having to walk down two flights of stairs everytime you
want to light up isn't an option for chain smokers -- they would
rather just go somewhere else. We live in a railroad-style open loft
apartment so there really can't be a designated smoking room. And we
don't have much money to spare so I don't think buying a filtration
system is an option (though if there are inexpensive ones out there it
could be an option).
I love my girlfriend and I want us to be happy in our new house -- Please Help!

There's a BIG difference in "common ground", "compromise" and "solution".

Obviously there is no "common ground". Smoking in the home of a
non-smoker not a reasonable expectation. Breathing clean air and
living illness free in your own home "is".

Compromise is out of the question because you and your girlfriend have
not been effectively communicating. In other words, one is not
necessarily respecting the wishes of the other or holding to the
previous agreement and until you do reaching a compromise is not going
to be possible in the long term.

A solution? There might be one, but in a home consisting of virtually
one room with no filtration system in place (and the good ones are not
cheap solutions by the way), frankly, I can't see what the solution
would be short of insisting that your girlfriend visit her friends
elsewhere or installing a number of very sensitive smoke detectors in
your home that will annoy the visiting smokers as much as the visiting
smokers annoy you.

tutuzdad-ga

I agree with dad :-( 

I am a non-smoker with many smoking friends. They never smoke in my
apartment, even though I live in an apartment building and it is quiet
difficult to smoke 0 they always get out when they want to smoke. It
might be my attitude - you are my guest and I don't smoke, or my
choice of friends - people who respect me even if I am different.

It is up to you, at the end of the day. There are temporary solutions
(filters are, too, because they don't solve a bigger problem, that
your wishes are nto respected) like scented candles for the smell; but
the main thing is that you have to let your GF understand the scope of
the problem.

I, too, agree with tutuzdad. I don't see an easy way out for you. If
you have chosen to live with a smoker, that's one thing, and I assume
you knew she smoked before you made the living arrangements. But if
secondhand smoke offends you--and I'll assume that your girlfriend
knew this--her friends are rude if they smoke where you live.

My girlfriend and I are nonsmokers, and, luckily, most of our friends
don't smoke. The rare few who do, never smoke in our house. If they
did, they'd never be invited back.

Politicalguru suggested some temporary fixes--scented candles, for
example. But there's a problem:  secondhand smoke is a carcinogen.
Even if the smell is masked, secondhand smoke poses severe health
risks. There's no excuse for having to put up with it.

Ploiticalguru does make a good point that there's another issue--your
wishes are not being respected, and it's your apartment, too. These
smoking friends of your girlfriend's are not trying to be friends with
you, and I see that as a problem.

Is your girlfriend willing to quit smoking? It wouldn't be easy for
her to stop. Nicotine is a highly addictive substance. Maybe you can
sit down with her one day and talk about it? Maybe she could use a
nicotine patch to help her quit, for example. If she's willing to take
that step, there's hope for you two. As for her friends, they need to
be told in no uncertain terms that smoking in your apartment isn't
allowed (though that'd be hard to enforce if your girlfriend still
smokes there). Maybe the two of you could develop a new set of
friends, ones who are friends of both of you. Then she could see her
old friends every now and then away from where you live.

I'm afraid that there are some lifestyle problems that are too big for
compromise. If you hate secondhand smoke and your girlfriend allows
people to smoke where you live, you have a choice: accept it (and the
related cancer risks) or change the relationship. There's no way I
could live with a smoker, no matter how great she was otherwise. And
if she really loves you, why would she force you to live in such a
bad-smelling, unhealthy environment?

dtc?

thank you all for our suggestions. we purchased a window fan and i
allow her the occasional smoke next to the window fan blowing the
smoke out.. her friends get to go outside. not the perfect answer for
either of us but an acceptable compromise..