Good Morning Google Answers...

I am asking probably one of the most fundemental questions that anyone
could ever ask, and if you could answer it directly you would be God
(or at least extremely rich!!:)...  There is a woman that I am
interested in, but she only thinks of me as a friend (Ouch!, who
hasn't been on both sides of that fence?).  We have a lot in common,
otherwise really like each other, I am fully confident that she is
attracted to me (she even has told me as such), we look good together,
etc.  but the feeling just isn't there for her (at least right now). 
She has been recently divorced, and her husband cheated on her and
didn't find her sexually attractive which I think has "messed with her
mind" as as such I think she is playing the field right now.  We are
both in our late 30's.  She values my friendship but I'm just not sure
that I can sustain a friendship with her w/o my heart breaking...

Here is my two-part question (bet you didn't think that Google would
be a relationship sounding board eh?):  How do I determine if I can
still be her friend or not?  If I walk away, what if she changes her
mind?  However, if I don't walk away, she might not ever change her
mind, or worse still, she might not value me because she wouldn't have
lost anything.

We have all heard of people "changing their mind" about someone, where
maybe the timing wasn't right, etc.  I know this doesn't happen often
but I think it does happen occasionally.  And I think it happens more
for women than men because women are not as visually oriented as
men... Anyway, here is my second question:  Are there any statistics
out there on people "changing there mind" and what are their stories? 
How did they do it? What would that look like?

I realize this question is very "qualitative" rather than
"quantitative", and I would prefer it answered by a woman rather than
a man.  Help!  I have no frame of reference here on how to handle this
issue... Thanks :)

Dear Zoomie,

You're right, this is much more of a qualitative answer. I'm glad you
recognize that. No one can give you a factual answer, because we are
not the woman in question, but I do think I can help you. I'll let you
know right off that I am a female researcher, and I have a background
in Psychology and took a course in college about male/female
relationship patterns. What I plan to do in my answer, is give you
some possible reasons why she may be saying what she is saying, and
then some possible outcomes of reaction if you chose to stay or go, in
a few different manners.

First of all, you're right on in her way of thinking. 
1. About her just getting out of a divorce...

She's emotionally fragile right now. She just broke, what to her, was
maybe a lifelong commitment. The best way I can describe this concept
of basic human emotion, is a bad song line... ?Once bitten, twice
shy". The idea of getting into a relationship right now is probably
daunting to her. Especially with someone, she values as a friend. It
may have nothing to do with you personally, except that, as you
mentioned, she's "playing the field.? Someone who is usually involved
in that sort of behavior is looking for something to have fun with and
move on, to make his or her self feel better emotionally after feeling
rejected... I. E. Going through a divorce, her husband not finding her
sexually attractive and cheating on her. Maybe one of the reasons she
says she just wants to be friends is that she is considering the
people she is playing the field with ?disposable relationships? and
does not want to hurt you like that.

A few sources that talk about the emotional hurt after a divorce and
low self-esteem and the ?rebound? effect are:

http://divorcesupport.about.com/cs/divorceddating/a/divorceddating.htm

http://www.faqfarm.com/Love/6345

http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/lorna_rebound.html

Found with a google search for ?rebound relationships?

This is also a good article on ways to avoid the rebound and get your
self worth back up there. Found with a google search for ?low self
esteem and rebound dating?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-20030121-000001.asp

Anyway, so that might explain why even though she has said she sees
the 2 of you as ?looking good together? why she does not want that
relationship with you now and prefers to stay friends.

Now, to talk about the pros and cons of what you should do. This is
where it gets tricky. I will give you a few possible scenarios of what
could happen. Let?s start with you walking away because it?s hard to
handle.

1. You move on, she moves on, life goes on. This is the simple one ?
2. You move on, she changes her mind and wants to date. You still want
to date her and something happens.
3. You move on, she changes her mind and wants to date. You don?t want
her anymore and she?s ok with it.
4. You move on, she changes her mind and wants to date. You don?t want
her anymore and she gets hurt.

In all likely hood, from a female perspective and my personal opinion,
if you give up a friendship because she does not want to date you and
you quit interacting with her, she?s going to be upset with you and
think you only wanted her for a relationship, that being friends was
just a ploy.

Now, if you stay around, what do you have to lose? You still have a
friend, and time heals all wounds. I can say that it?s very unlikely
you?ll be pining away for her a year from now if you don?t date, let
alone 10 years from now. However, you may still have a great friend
out of the deal. It may hurt that she does not want to date now, but?

Overall, my answer would be to sit down with her, tell her that you
care for her, would like to date, but understand if she does not want
to?. Find out from her the reasons she wants to remain friends if
that?s the answer she gives you?and believe it. Friends have trust.
Nevertheless, no matter what, an honest discussion is the best way to
decide what you?d both like to do and what?s best for both of you. If
she really is a friend and cares about you, she?ll be willing to
listen and talk to save the friendship or move it to another level.

I would also like to give you some links that I think may be helpful
in understanding relationships and what she is going through.

Google search: ?relationship books?

http://www.millenniumdivorce.com/relationships/relationshipbooks.asp

?Should You Stay or Should You Go 
by Susie and Otto Collins 
Should You Stay or Should You Go?" is an e-book filled with hundreds
of questions, stories and insights that help you consciously determine
whether to stay in your present relationship or to move on.?

"A Better Way to Date 
by Michael Web
Best selling author Michael Webb has analyzed relationships for
decades.  In his latest book, A Better Way to Date, Webb tells us that
the way we date can put our relationships at risk."
 
Also another good link

http://www.therapyindex.com/Bookshop/Relationship_Books/relationship_books.php

?How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You: 85 Proven Techniques for Success
Leil Lowndes
The relaxed style of this book, presenting solid wisdom with a bit of
scientific support, makes this book appealing, and, who knows, maybe
it will make you more appealing, too!?

In addition, if you do a google search for ?understanding divorce?
there are tons of helpful articles, such as?

http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-0471299510.html

http://www.divorcewizards.com/cheating.html

I also did a google search for ?just friends to dating? and found
these and many more helpful links and articles

http://dating.about.com/library/weekly/aa063000c.htm

http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/0313/p11s02-lihc.html

http://quiz.ivillage.com/relationships/tests/justfriends.htm
**This above one is a quiz ? **

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/47_dating_advice.html


There you have it Zoomie. This is the best answer I can give you from
an outside perspective. I hope I gave you some insight, some things to
think about, and maybe out of all the books and articles, an answer
for you personally.

Good Luck,
Nenna  -  GA

---

Clarification of Answer by nenna-ga on 08 Apr 2004 13:16 PDT

Zoomie,

I'm glad I and Google Answers could be of service to you. Thank you
for your business and I hope we can help you again sometime. I
appriciated what you had to say about me and the service.

Nenna-GA

Dear Nenna,

Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. One clarification:
We both met on-line and so we don't have a long history of friendship
so I think she would understand if I chose to walk away... That being
said, THANK YOU for helping me understand the impact the divorce had
on her.  Not having gone through one myself, I think I end up
underestimating the impact. So, your advice is helpful.  I think I'm
going to try to be her friend in the most open handed way possible. 
Of course, I don't know the outcome, but since I can't control it
anyway, I'm going to focus on those things I can control and move on
(at least emotionally).   Oh if I could only "fast forward" my life a
year to look back and see what happens!  Thanks again nenna!  - Brian

Well, a personal story might help you. When I met my now-husband, I
was recovering from a very difficult relationship with another man. To
make a long story short, he did the "oh we're just friends" thing
followed the next month by "let's be more"....back and forth, back and
forth. Can you say tumultuous???

I still thought I was in love with this guy, though, and I thought I
just wanted to be buddies with my now-husband. He was very patient,
sweet, and persistent. He made it clear how he felt about me, but
never pushed me. Within several months time, I came around in a big
way, and soon we were engaged. We've been married 3 years, and I am
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that he was a
persistent (but never pushy) fellow! :)

Kriswrite

:), Act Like a Man, Go and Propose her, I am sure every women realise
when she is truely loved by someone.

Trust me on this - Nenna is the best person to go to for these sort of
things.  I am one of her closest friends (we met online but live in
the same city) and she is helping me through my relationship troubles
(yes, from a man I met online.)  Heck, all my friends I met online and
I can say from personal experience, the bond with online friends, in
my opinion, is always closer and more personal than the ones you made
physically throughout life.

Point being, she has a very level head and has a very rational, calm
way of explaining things in an "easy to see" way.  Take her advise -
take the friendship you have with this woman and make it the best you
possibly can.  It may not be what you want right now, but its better
than losing the friendship all together.

Luv you Nen!

~ Pepper ~

Nothing like the feeling of being appriciated to make you smile. Thank
you all for your kind words. Pepp, you're such a darling.

Nenna-GA
Google Answers Researcher

Sometimes "Friend" could not come across to be "Boyfriend". If it is,
one may be guilt.

Good luck,

Cute21

Update... We are "just friends" now.  And the funny thing is I still
like her but there isn't a sense of urgency on my part, which is
probably a good thing.  However, I doubt this will go anywhere.  Life
has a sense of urgency that isn't kind to "ships that have already
passed in the night" so-to-speak...