hi, ive been with my husband 26 years and have now filed for divorce.
i suspected he cheated on me years ago, but wasnt sure i convinced
myself i was wrong.he has now admitted that he did cheat on me several
times but hasnt in the past few years. he is a gambler , went out
every night till early morning, i trusted him, he never used money
attributed to the house for this.after surviving personal illness and
close family breavement he turned possessive and controlling to a
point i cannot live with him any more. Our three remaining children
have been grossly neglected by him but he does love them dearly and
them him. he wants to stop the divorce (which has been granted on
grounds of unresonable behavior). I know he loves me deeply and i have
made him into an emotional wreck. I still love him but have major tust
issuses as he has threatened me. I dont believe he would ever carry
out these threats he just looses control, and mouthes off. he says i
will always be his no matter what.  He has never hit me and he doesnt
drink. Am i just better moving on with my life . I have tried to be
friends with him but it is obvious that is never going to be enough
for him. If a relationship has too many problems do you stay and sort
them out or move on. I havent spoken to anyone who has adised me to
stay who knows him, yet i still dont know. i am frightened of making
the wrong desicion, making him suffer more, and hurting my children
more as there dad will probably have less contact. Any advice anyone.

Hard questions, life5.  Dear Abby always asked, "Are you better off
with him or without him?"

I always say no one can really answer a question like this for you. 
No one can see inside what is between two people.  You have already
answered your own question to the extent that you have filed for
divorce.  Your concerns now seem to be fear of hurting him more and
hurting your children.  What about *you*?

Apteryx

I'd agree with apteryx that I think you've already answered your own question.

However, I would point out that this isn't a black and white issue.
You aren't choosing between:

1. Living in the same building as him as a married couple and bringing
up your children together, and

2. Leaving all of this behind and starting an e new life.

There is no reason why you can't get divorced and live in separate
places, yet still keep joint custody of the kids and bring them up
between you. If you can remain friends and both keep your children as
the top priority, then it sounds like everyone wins.

Thanks for the feedback , i greatly appreciate it.i would be quite
happy with joint custody, but in the past few months the scenario has
been he sees the children (16 and a 17 years, mentally disabled girl)
as an excuse to see me, if he doesnt see me then contact doesnt stop
but it dimminshes significantly.I talked recently and he seems intent
on revenge, making me move to unpleasent areas, knowing if he gets a
significant allocation from the house proceeds, with my illness i
would not get financial backup from anyone.  He advocates he will lie
to the judge to get the maximum amount from me financially while at
the same time withold all assets he has. Inb the next breathe say he
cant live without me and his actions would make him suffer more than
me. do i want to be with someone who is prepared to put his children
in this position.Or is this the actions of a desperate man.

Dear Apteryx-ga,

I wrote and discarded a whole long treatise because I realized that
basically, everything I had to say is summed up somewhere on this
website:  http://www.marriagebuilders.com

I beg you, before you make a final decision, please go to this site
and read ALL of it, every word, and then read it again and ponder the
principles and advice you'll find there.  Much of it goes against the
popular tide. But it's precisely for that reason you should read it.
Just think: if the current folk wisdom were truly so wise, would there
be such an epidemic of failed marriages and discarded relationships? 
This site is different, and I believe truly that if these principles
were universally applied, except in the rare instances of real
psychosis and evil, there would be few to no divorces at all.

I am a grandmother in my fifties with a failed marriage and divorce
and a lifetime of experience behind me, along with a lot of regrets. I
do know I wish I'd heard this advice before my own marriage failed,
because I think it could have made a real difference. And I also know
that trying to apply these principles in my current relationship has
made of it the most satisfying, stable relationship I could have ever
imagined. This is amazing stuff. It works. Please check it out. I do
believe you can find help here, if you really want it.

I wish you all the best in sorting out these heart-wrenching
difficulties. Between the lines of desperation in your message, I can
read your sincere desire to do what is right, and I think because of
that you will be all right in the end, and will make the best decision
for yourself, your husband, and your children. Be strong, take heart,
and may you be guided and blessed.

Kindest regards,
Byrd-ga

Byrd,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments.  Apteryx isn't the one with
the problem.  I think you meant to address life5.  As it happens, my
husband and I weathered our near-terminal crisis and are still married
after 26 years.

Apteryx

Of course you're right, Apteryx-ga.  Obviously I typed too fast before
verifying identities. I'd better be more careful in future!  I hope
you and life5-ga will both accept my apology for the mixup, and
life5-ga, please accept my remarks in the spirit in which they were
meant - for you!

All my best,
Byrd-ga

Hi life5

sk yourself the question:
Is your partnership and happiness, your husband worth only 2 $ for you ? or ALL ?
did you give ALL you evern could give to him, are ou willinig to do
all to save your partnership or do you rather run aways when problems
occurs instead of solving problems ...

If a partnership fails - of course there is always a 50% on each side
that failed. But one has to do the first step, one has to take
initiative, it can as well be you.

You nowhere really mentioned that love is terminated. froorm neither
side of you. just because problems exist is NO reason at all to
divorce. see the top questions.

divorce only is a real and wise option when true hate exist, when full
denial of lolve or full rejection of love exist as a result of
iincapability to forgive, to dissolve in love and to start allover frm
scratch again.

a few years ago i had a husband / wife in similar situation in therapy
and i gave the husband the clear advice either make each other fully
happy or instantly divorce. they decided to learn to make each other
happy - and they are more and more happy year after year by learning
to be male man and female girl, by learning from scratch the very
elementary ABC of partnership.

http://gg.loveteam.net/en/index_en.html

there they started to write a little about their marriage and healing
love. i am sure it could help you as well to read about other people
having found solutions of love instead of divorce.

at any given time, in any of the worst situationsk, there alwasy is a
possibility to save any and every marriage, to fully dissolve all in
love and to be happier than ever before !

we all have to learn to solve our problems in love - sooner or later -
rather than to trow all away or run away. so why later if now you have
a chance to fall in love again.

the final question is "do you want to love him, do you want to make him happy ?"

if yes, then you will succeed !

there is a song - here in my place (asia) oour local band play/sing it almost daily

"i don't want to be your friend, i want to be your lover ... !"is the text ...

think about. to be only friend means rejecting love and denying love -
both is leading to extreme emotional AND spiritual stress and kicks
people out of control into alcohol or other substitutes or violence.
love needs to flow - fully and continuously.

http://www.kriyayoga.com/wap/ml/index.html

here you may find some "love-tests" to see who made where some minor
or major omissions - to know what to focus on - even if you divorce,
you still have to learn the VERY same lessons, one day ...

if a wife or husband just has been all life a best friend, then it
simply has been far too little, there is a reason far more sweet and
powerful why God made girls and man ! to love and make happy as
husband wife requires both to be real lovers for each others. one in
heart, soul and mind and yet different in the sense of complimentary
to each other instead of competing each other.

i wish you, your husband and both children luck, love and bliss in
whatever you do and decide !

and if you decide to stay together - then it may first be time for a
real honey moon ... a partnership therapy in sun, ocean in a loving
environment.

thank you again for all your comments i have sat and cried that
someone has the time to talk to me about this as i feel so desperate,
it is just eating away at me. i am going to check the websites out 
and thanks again

life5, I, too, would recommend that you read the words at
www.marriagebuilders.com, and also those at
www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com.  In particular, there is one thing
written by Penny Tupy (who runs the latter site) that you may want to
consider.  It's posted in her Yahoo Group at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Save-Your-Marriage-Central/message/319. 
Here's a brief quote from the latter.

"The vows. Those few words about sickness and health, better or worse.
 ...I'm wondering. Did you mean it?  When all was said and done, the
dress bought, the cake baked, the tux fitted and the DJ hired ? did
you mean it? The part about sickness and health, better or worse? How
about the richer or poorer part?

"Every week at least one client, and usually several more than that,
tells me that they just can't do it anymore, that they have to file
for divorce. It could be that they've discovered their spouse is
addicted to drugs or gambling. It might be that he or she is oblivious
to my client's needs in the marriage. And, because I specialize in
infidelity it is often because the spouse is having an affair and the
pain is tearing the heart out of my client, the person they once vowed
to love and honor and cherish, forsaking all others.

"Whatever the cause of the pain, it is very real and very heart
wrenching. This is when the chips are down and we see what it is we
are made of. Hardship is no joke and our natural instinct as humans is
to survive ? to remove ourselves from the pain and the threat it makes
to our happiness and security. Run! Get out! Save yourself! Our
emotions and our instincts give us a hearty push and our friends and
family are not far behind.

"If being married was easy, there would be no reason for taking vows.
Vows are something we take in order to show our commitment to some
aspect of life that is difficult to perform or carry out. Vows are
promises that show our determination to go against the flow when it
seems going with the flow is the only option available. Remaining
true to our vows in the face of pain and tragedy is what makes us
fully responsible adults in a world that lauds irresponsibility.
Staying faithful to promises we made forges the steel in our souls.

"But she isn't honoring her promises." "He never treated me with
honor and now he's living with someone else." "I have a right to end
this marriage because of what he has done to me." Funny thing about
the promises we make at weddings ? they really aren't about what the
other person does or does not do. Our wedding vows are all about us
and our commitment to the marriage... 

"I know that many of you are suffering and fighting against seemingly
insurmountable odds in your marriage right now. It seems that the easy
and perhaps only way out is to end the marriage. It seems incredibly
unfair to watch the days and the months go by wondering when you will
have a life again. It is for moments such as these that you spoke
those words and sealed your promise of commitment in front of
witnesses. So I just have to ask one more time, did you mean it?"

(Quoted with permission.)

Please do look hard at your self and your marriage before you make this decision.

thanks i have found the web pages interesting. I did mean my vows when
i married him some 26 years ago, but was blissfully aware that he
didnt and to him it was a marriage of convience to allow him stay in
this country but i loved him and didnt care. As years have progressed
ihave put up with gambling,theft, drug trafficking, his gbh to another
individual, physical abuse once, but unsurmnountable mental abuse. Yet
through all this i hAVE STOOD BY HIM AND BEING LOYAL YET ADVOCATED I
STRONGLY DISAGREED WITH HIS LIFESTYLE.It wasnt until i got cancer the
second time i believe he truly started to love me, that was some 10
years ago and when my 6 year old daughter died of cancer7 years ago  i
know without the support i gave him he would have committed suicide.
There has been many times i have asked him to leave just to give me a
break and he never went. he has now lived seperately but only 10
minutes distance away for the last 10 months and i have to say the
tension in the house has lifted and there is less anxiety . I have
missed him but because his behaviour has too often been abusive when
he has called this has been something i have learned to live with.He
now refutes earlier admissions he made about infidelity saying he
flirted with many  but never had sex with any and i cant bring anyone
to his face to prove that. I reminded him of the numerous sexually
transmitted diseases i contracted, him knowing i have only ever slept
with him ( i have never wanted anyone else).it was my birthday last
week and he came around suited and booted  with 3 dozen roses and
choloates. i thanked him and appreciated the flowers.He is trying but
i do not trust him and i am scared of what he will do if he comes
back, i fear some serious payback. i have peace of mind knowing he has
no key to the house, although he has reminded me that he can break the
door  down if he wanted to.hehas told our disabled son that after the
divorce he is going back to his own country and cutting all ties with
us. I still feel that if there was no equity in the house he would
have long gone.
I am going ahead with the divorce, i feel i need a clean slate. I have
told him i am willing to stay in contact and will be there if he needs
me, but inwardly i also know that if he cant have me as his wife he
wont want me. I am now fearing the cout sorting out the fiancial
situation as he has voiced that it will get nasty. i feel sad,having
failed at keeping my belief in our marriage alive.