What are the Chinese traditions regarding a daughter (age 18)
sleeping over at a boyfriend's house (age 22)? The relationship has
been stable for 4 years. We live in Canada, but the father of the girl
has returned to Hong Kong and is not returning, so the mother has to
take on the role of the father.

Please focus on the etiquette, rules and expectations. I'm the
Canadian boyfriend, and I'm struggling to understand her mother's
traditional view on dating, sex and sleeping over, despite the fact
that we love each other, and have been stable for 4 years.

Hello lxluthr~

Here are the basics about how Chinese typically feel about sex.

TALKING ABOUT SEX

Part of the problem you?re probably experiencing is that the Chinese
usually dislike discussing sex. It?s thought to be poor taste, crude,
and rude to discuss the matter. In fact, the Chinese culture promotes
so little discussion about sex, sex education is virtually unknown.
And many Chinese want it to remain that way. ?A college student once
said that he didn't want to marry a medical graduate. He thought
knowing too much about the body and sex will bring an end to romance.
?Too much contact to sex is the plague spot for girls or boys,? a guy
in campus stressed.? (?Sex in Traditional Chinese Culture,? About.com:
http://chineseculture.about.com/library/weekly/aa062700a.htm )


PRE-MARITAL SEX

Traditionally, sex outside of marriage is completely taboo and
considered immoral. This, no doubt, is where your girlfriend?s parents
are coming from. There?s a long-standing belief in Chinese culture
that women must be virgins when they marry. A 1997 survey showed that
40 % of Chinese couples didn't even hug or kiss before marriage.
(?Chinese Youth In Urgent Need of Sexual Knowledge,? China Daily:
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/en/doc/2003-12/05/content_287478.htm ) 
Even holding hands has been considered unthinkable. Traditionally,
having sex outside of marriage was considered so shameful, women who
participated could be severely punished?even killed. In China, there
used to be many laws and regulations prohibiting pre-marital sex. Only
two decades ago, most marriages were arranged and dating was virtually
unknown.

Even today, as sexuality becomes more loose,  less than 10% of Asian
women have sex outside of marriage. (?Geography of Sex,? About.com:
http://geography.about.com/library/weekly/aa070700a.htm ) Teenagers
who have pre-marital sex are often thought of as  ?playboys? (or
girls) and ?slackers.? (?Book Throws Harsh Questions on Chinese Sex
Education,? People?s Daily:
http://english.peopledaily.com.cn/200403/24/eng20040324_138358.shtml )

No doubt many of these traditional views came as a backlash against
early 20th century China, known as the ?whore of the Orient,? because
it was so sexually unrestrained.


CHANGING SEXUALITY

Younger Chinese people are being influenced by non-religious Western
traditions, and a battle between generations is now taking place.
?About 40% of married men under age 30 say they had premarital sex,
compared with just 17% of those in their 40s?31% of younger married
women report having had sex before taking their vows, up from just 12%
of those who came of age in the 1980s? (?Move Over Mao, Today?s
Chinese Revolution is Sexual,? USA Today:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2003-09-15-china-sex_x.htm ) The
numbers aren?t staggering:  ?A survey covering 541 local university
students found that 13.4 per cent of male students and 4 per cent of
female students thought there was nothing wrong in having sex.?
(?Chinese Youth In Urgent Need of Sexual Knowledge,? China Daily:
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/en/doc/2003-12/05/content_287478.htm )




In short, unless your girlfriend?s mother is quite modern, she expects
that her daughter will remain a virgin until she marries.

I hope this helps,
Kriswrite

KEYWORDS USED:

Chinese sex traditions
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=Chinese+sex+traditions&btnG=Search

Chinese "sex education"
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=Chinese+%22sex+education%22+&btnG=Search

Chinese sexuality tradition*
://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=Chinese+sexuality+tradition*&btnG=Search

As the caucasian husband of a Taiwanese wife, and having spent 7 years
living in Taiwan, I think I have some value to add to this question.

First, I think Kriswrite's research is fine, but the three articles
listed refer mainly to Mainland Chinese studies on sexuality and may
only apply partially to an overseas Chinese, a different demographic
altogether.

So what follows is mostly opinion based on my experience and the scant
but telling information you provided.

First I want to make a few assumptions... she's 18, your 22, and your
asking about Mom's take on her sleeping over with you. You say you
have been in a stable relationship for 4 years, which means you
started dating at 14 and 18. The nature of the question makes me lean
towards assuming you haven't had sex with this girl yet, but even if
that is not the case, my comments may still be relevant.

OK. Comment number 1: Kriswrite's conclusion is right, her mom expects
her daughter to be a virgin until marriage. But this is an easy
conclusion to arrive at, since every mother including Paris Hilton's
mom makes that assumption. There is no ettiquette or traditional way
to make her mom accept this idea if she already has it in her mind
that your intentions are not honorable, as they say.

Comment #2: The other thing to consider here is age--18. Chinese
attitudes towards sex and dating are one thing, attitudes towards
education are another. Her mother is probably more concerned that she
pay attention to college than to any boyfriend she may have.

Comment #3: If your girlfriend is using her Mom as the reason she
can't come over (especially if you haven't had sex with her yet) there
could be a couple of reasons: The first is the face value reason, the
second is she isn't ready for that level of intimacy yet.

Comment #4: Both of you are two young to be this involved anyway. You
say it is a stable relationship, but by definition, simply because of
the stages of life you are at, there is inherent instability. She is
18, leaving high school, heading for college, or the workforce, the
cusp of adulthood. You've either been to college or have been working
for four years. Both of you are still about to experience major
changes in the next few years.

As someone who is perhaps a little older and a little wiser, let me
say that now is not the time for either of you to be in a committed
relationship.

Experience is a dear old school, and remember that a fool knows no other.

Not the answer perhaps you were looking for, but at least it is free.

thanks MrAlex

that's some valuable advice.. but still not really a solution. i'd see
the best avenue to take would be to understand and integrate better
with her Mom. I'm inately opposed to following old traditions for
their own sake, so learning more about them puts me on better footing
to accept or overcome them.