Why would a man in a committed, loving, sexual (I'm his wife)
relationship 'use' shemale and transgender porn?

Women (and men) don't always fully understand the sexual needs of their partner.

For example, I know a woman who was apparently happily married with
two children when her husband told her he was leaving her, for another
man!

Whatever you do, please don't let it upset your marriage ... And don't
worry about it unnecessarily.

PB

This might require some expert psychological advice, which, with all
due respect to the very talented people here, I'm not sure you're
going to find on Google Answers.  If you have health insurance, you
may wish to see a counselor briefly for one or two sessions, and then,
if said counselor recommends, bring in your husband.  The goal of this
visit would not be to "fix" your husband but instead to determine how
best to approach your discomfort and this subject with your husband.

Without speaking with your husband directly about this -- and given
the lack of details about your situation, I do not know whether or not
that would be advisable -- just remember that you have no idea of the
circumstances that brought this about.  It could be simple curiousity.
 It could be a desire on the part of your husband for a different role
(not necessarily a different physical role, but perhaps a different
balance of power in your relationship).  If it is something you
discovered in his web browser history, it could have gone there
inadvertently, thanks to pop-up windows, redirects, and any one of a
hundred different nasty Web tricks that pornographic websites use. 
(In other words, the "visit" to a site could actually be a pop-up
advertisement for that site, which would nevertheless show up in a web
browser history.)

It honestly could be any one of a hundred different things.  Depending
on how open your relationship is with your husband and how candid you
feel he could be about this, you may want to approach him directly
with your questioning.  Otherwise, seeing a counselor might be a good
idea.

As a wife myself, I kind of understand where you are coming from. My
husband is into the "petite" look -- as in 18, small boned, and small
perky boobs. He finds huge breasts disgusting, and gross. However, he
is also somewhat into the whole "bondage", and domination thing (like
the meatlovers.com website, or f*ckherthroat.com) some person pointed
out "transgender means he's gay, no heterosexual likes that" which is
not true. Everyone has their own tastes.

To be quite honest, people are truely strange, however some don't mind
showing it on the outside. Perhaps he might not even "get off" on
she-male porn, and even if it is a fantasy -- it's not anymore "wrong"
than a guy who fantasizes about an orgy of women. Everybody is just
different, and different things turn their crank.

It really, truely depends on the person that you are. You could be a
medical student into "scat" or "water sports", or you could be
clean-cut-faithful to his wife-business man who fantasizes about a 20
woman orgy.

In that respect, women are the same way. From what I've found, a lot
of women prefer to think or read stories as opposed to actually
watching pornography. I've also found that there are quite a few women
who fantasize about being raped in a dark alley, etc.

The most I can say is talk to him about it, perhaps he is just looking
for a little more "spice". See what he is needing, and see what can
help satisfy the both of you. This sort of conversation can be easily
integrated while you're both in bed. Get kinky. Buy some books, or
toys from your local adult store. The most important thing, however,
is be nice about it.

Another thing, make sure there is some sort of comfort factor in
place. The chances are, he might be a little bit embarrassed knowing
you've discovered his "dark secret".

I know you didn't ask for the whole she-bang of advice, but I just got
a little carried away. I'm sorry if it's too much.

I hope this helps, and good luck with this. =)

Pinkfreud,

Your comment is extremely distressing to me. I am not sure if this is
just because it is wrong, or because I have come to respect you as a
researcher and my respect has been utterly shattered.

The phenomenon of males being attracted sexually to shemales is known
in the scientific literature as "gynandromorphophilia", literally
meaning "love of males in the shape of females". This term was coined
by my friend and colleague Dr. Ray Blanchard. If you or the original
poster wish to find out the truth (so far as it is known by science)
you should consider using gynandromorphophilia as a search term,
either on the Internet or at any of a number of portal sites for
searching the medical or psychological literature, for example Pubmed
at http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi.

A brief exploration of the subject will turn up any number of
respectable references, none of which agrees with the sentiment
expressed in your comment. Here is a partial summary:

(1) Gynandromorphophilia is a distinct erotic interest, not
necessarily associated with homosexual or transgender behaviours. See
Blanchard, R. and Collins, P.I. J.Nerv.Ment.Dis. 181:570-575, 1993. I
happened to be present when Dr. Blanchard presented this paper at the
Harry Bejamin International Symposium on Gender Dysphoria in New York.

(2) Men who are interested in shemales identify overwhelmingly as
heterosexual. Even men who are erotically aroused by themselves in a
female presentation, known as "autogynephilia", do not identify as
homosexual. As Dr. Blanchard reports in the Journal of Abnormal
Psychology. Vol 101(2) May 1992, 271-276, "This finding supports the
hypothesis that autogynephilia is a misdirected type of heterosexual
impulse, which arises in association with normal heterosexuality but
also competes with it."

(3) Fetishistic arousal (as with shemale pornography) is strongly
associated with non-homosexual types of cross-gender behaviour. See
Blanchard, Ray:Archives of Sexual Behavior. Vol 14(3) Jun 1985,
247-261.

These references and many others support the following tenets of male
sexuality, which are empirically observed by those in the field:

(1) Homosexual men are not generally attracted to any form of female
sexual presentation.

(2) Sexual fantasies and the use of pornography do not necessarily
have any bearing upon personal behaviour or real world sexual
preferences.

(3) An overwhelming majority of men who express an interest in, or
sexual arousal by, shemale erotica would identify unequivocally as
heterosexual.

For further reference, you may wish to begin at the excellent web page
maintained by J. Michael Bailey, Professor and Chair of the Department
of Psychology at Northwestern University. Here's the link to his page
of Blanchard abstracts:

http://www.psych.nwu.edu/psych/people/faculty/bailey/blanchard.htm

And here is the link to the page about Dr. Bailey's book, "The Man Who
Would Be Queen: The Science and Psychology of Gender Bending and
Transsexualism". You can read the book on-line, or buy it from Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0309084180/qid=1052595095/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/102-7346763-9168937?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Another excellent reference is at http://www.autogynephilia.org/ where
you will find links to much of the work that has contributed to the
field.

I admit that there has perhaps been more high profile research into
female sexuality, fantasy and the use of pornography in recent years,
and rightly so. The enormous social problem of violence aginst women
has prompted many researchers to examine female fantasies and the role
they play in sexual assault. Enlightened by these studies, it would
never occur to a thinking person to assume that a female rape fantasy
would translate into a real world behaviour. Even so undistinguished a
source as The Discovery Channel has got this message:

"Having a fantasy about a particular sexual practice or activity does
not mean that a person actually wishes to engage in that behavior or
that he/she would enjoy the behavior. "

Taken from: http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/fantasy.html

That research into female use of fantasy is perhaps more prominent and
accessible, however, does not excuse your comment in any way
pinkfreud. To suggest that gynandromorphophilia is indicative of male
homosexuality is an outrage equal to suggesting that female rape
fantasy is indicative of a woman's actual desire to be raped. Both are
contradicted by reliable information that is readily available to you
as a Google Researcher.

I think you owe the readers of Google Answers an apology.

Best Regards,

Alan Kali

Alan,

While I didn't see the comment in question, it has been made clear
elsewhere that it was left by pinkfrued-ga, not pinkfreud-ga. It was
not the pinkfreud-ga that you and I and many others have the utmost
respect for.

poe-ga
Google Answers Researcher

P.S.

I see that pinkfreud's comment has been deleted during the time it
took me to prepare this response. I disagree strongly with the removal
of this comment, since it represents censorship of a very revealing
remark by a Google Answers researcher. This comment was an indicator
not only of the personal bias of the researcher, but also of the
methodological process by which the researcher arrives at published
conclusions.

For those of you who did not happen to read pinkfreud's comment while
it was available, it remarked that an interest in shemale pornography
indicated that a man was gay, since only homosexuals would be
interested in this sort of thing.

Why was this comment deleted? Because it was embarrassing? Google
Answers represents itself as employing expert researchers. Did this
comment reveal a contrary situation?

Alan Kali

Alan:

That comment was removed because it was NOT made by the highly
regarded and beloved researcher pinkfreud; it was made by some fool
using the handle "pinkfrued" who has been posting malicious comments
under that handle.

The editors removed that comment, and other comments made by
"pinkfrued" because they were NOT made by pinkfreud, but by someone
impersonating her in a very malicious manner.

I assure you: the real pinkfreud would never have made any such comment.

Regards,
nancylynn-ga

Oh.

In that case, please change all my references to Pinkfreud to
"Pinkfrued". Hopefully my comments are worthwhile in any case, since
whomever made the response needs some correction on the science of the
matter.

My apologies to Google Answers and pinkfreud if that is the case, but
no apologies to pinkfrued for disrupting this discussion and
propagating prejudice.

Best Regards,

Alan Kali

Alan, 

Please note also that Google Answers Researchers' names are
hyperlinked and the names of those who are NOT Google Answers
Researchers are NOT hyperlinked. Perhaps that will further help
clarify any confusion for you.

Sincerely,
Boquinha-ga

Alan,

Please also note that all comments, as indeed all requests for
clarification and all answers, cannot be altered or deleted at a later
date.

The only way to remove a post is to e-mail the Google Answers editors
and ask that they address the issue, as indeed they did promptly and
efficiently with the pinkfrued-ga character.

As such it always pays to be very careful indeed before posting
anything that may potentially be incorrect.

poe-ga
Google Answers Researcher

Poe and Boquinha,

I am willing to swear that the poster's name was hyperlinked and
displayed in my browser in bold blue text. I am also not dyslexic, and
therefore not prone to misreading "pinkfrued" as "pinkfreud". However,
I also know that memory plays tricks upon us, so I cannot be certain.
Since the original post has been deleted, there is no way for me to
check. I have reloaded the page a number of times since the post was
deleted, so it is unlikely to reside in my browser cache.

In any case, if the poster was not pinkfreud (as I an inclined to
accept that it was not) the post was meant to impersonate pinkfreud,
and the error was not so much one of my not being careful, but of
purposeful and malicious misdirection in the first place.

I am always careful with my comments for the very reason that you
mention. I did not intend for Google to edit my post, so much as for
the reader mentally to insert "pinkfrued" in place of "pinkfreud" in
my comment.

If, after careful research, my comments contain errors, I am willing
to stand up and take my lumps as they come. That is why I like
commenting on Google Answers so much: it is like the peer review
literature only with instant feedback and without the career
implications. Keeps me in trim, so to speak.

One final note: would it not be better for Google to attach a comment
to seriously misleading posts, rather than deleting them? That way
everyone could see the source of the problem. I reread the other
comments several times while preparing my response (offline, in a text
editor), but I did not notice that the one that started all the
trouble had gone. Had it been annotated rather than mysteriously
deleted, I would have noticed the annotation immediately. Wikipedia
does this with articles, and it seems to work well.

Best Regards,

Alan Kali

The 'pinkfrued-ga' post was made by someone who created a username
similar to mine and proceeded to make several several nonsensical and
offensive posts. I have no connection with this person, nor do I
endorse the comments made by him or her.

If anyone has questions about this matter, it would be prudent to
contact the Google Answers Editors:

answers-editors@google.com

Alkali, you are mistaken.

Sorry, that is not something Pinkfreud would ever say or do. If you
were paying attention, you would have recognized the difference.

I noticed the difference right away and wasn't fooled for a minute,
but I pay attention to detail.

Anyone who wishes to be taken seriously does the same.

Blessings,
Elcona

Hi, Lahoria

I would like to compliment the Editors on the speedy action that they took.

Malicious postings from someone masquerading as a well-known
Researcher have absolutely no place anywhere.

PB

This has happened before with someone misrepresenting our esteemed
commentor probonopublico and the comments were quickly removed.  Such
is the nature of the Internet, with everyone having the ability to
impersonate others so easily.

Despite what others think they saw or seemed to remember there is no
way that PINKFREUD (EU) is responsible for those comments.  Many users
of this service can vouch for PINKFREUD'S (EU) politeness, expertise,
and overall respect for all the customers at Google Answers.

Keep up the good work PINKIE!

This is very interesting.

First: My sincerest apologies once again to pinkfreud. I was
confounded by someone whose intent was to do just that: damage
pinkfreud's credibility by using a look-alike name.

In my defence, I must point out that it was not a lack of attention to
detail that prevented me from discovering the truth. I check my facts
several times before I post them. The precipitous removal of the post
in question prevented me from confirming the identity of the poster.
Had the post been left up, you would have an argument, elcon. As it
is, I did not expect the post to disappear for no reason, and since
ordinary commenters like me do not have access to make such things
happen, the sudden removal of the post suggested that it was, in fact,
more likely to have come from someone with some kind of administrative
access (though I now realize that it was an editorial intervention,
rather than a retraction by a poster). You cannot fault someone for
failing to check facts when those facts are dangled for a moment, then
removed. Had I been able to check the poster's identity, I would have
made exactly the same rebuttal, only targeted correctly.

Human behaviour is depressingly predictable. Some malicious individual
makes a nuisance post. Editors remove it to maintain order. I respond
to the nuisance post with a comment that refutes the sentiment in the
nuisance post, and incidentally answers the original question in a
well-reasoned and justified fashion. Supporters of the target of the
nuisance post, rather than reading my comment and taking it for what
it is worth, circle the wagons and attack my credibility. Outsiders
not welcome. Appeal to authority. Words have value in relation not to
what they say, but who said them. Villagers: light your torches.

After thinking about it, I realize that the nuisance poster made plain
one of our greatest fears: that a loved one will reject us on the
basis of something we cannot change or even understand. Although it
was done in an inexcusable and malicious fashion, it certainly laid
the question squarely on the table. I think my answer refuted this
fear. It is a pity that my hard work in creating a well-researched
answer has gotten lost in this discussion.

In brief: Catfree, your husband is most likely not gay. His interest
in shemale pornography is probably one of the myriad expressions of
heterosexual male sexuality. I think the facts presented in my
original comment support this conclusion.

Best Regards,

Alan Kali

Hi catfree,

alkali-ga posted the following:

"I think my answer refuted this fear. It is a pity that my hard work
in creating a well-researched answer has gotten lost in this
discussion."

Only Google Answers Researchers can post an answer, and that is posted
in the answer box.  Commenters (alkali-ga) can provide comments, but
they are not answers.

Best regards,
tlspiegel

Tlspiegel,

Thank-you for reminding us that the term "answer" is not generic, but
refers specifically to the output of official employees of Google
Answers. I shall be more careful next time I provide a response.

I'll also keep it in mind when I comment the telephone or comment my email.

When the doorbell rings, however, I am not sure that I should comment
the door, since that terminology might cause confusion with the
process of marking the door with graffiti, and I'm afraid my neighbors
may get the wrong idea. Can you suggest an alternate word that doesn't
conflict with the fine sensibilities and proprietary rights of Google
Answers researchers?

Best Regards,

Alan Kali

Hi, Again, Alan

It really doesn't matter what you say to yourself when you ****** the
door, the telephone or your email but you could certainly use
'Comment' because you might find the practice useful.

Whatever you do, though, please do not take this piece of friendly
advice as an ANSWER because, like you, I am just a humble Commentor.

Maybe someday, I will be invited to join the prestigious ranks of the
Researchers (who, incidentally, are 'Subcontractors' not 'Official
Employees' of the GA galaxy).

Then, if and when I am so invited, I shall not know quite whether to
Answer or to Comment.

PB

This has developed into a most interesting thread.  It's almost
developing into a class struggle, with GA "Researchers" on one end and
commentors on another.
Tlspiegal's comment (or is it an answer?) seemed to indicate that
someone commenting cannot come up with an answer.  We have all seen
many instances where a commentor has successfully provided an answer
to the question.  Now there may be some legitamacy in saying that an
answer from a researcher may be credible in some cases.  But there are
some commentors who are in some cases more qualified in a subject area
and may be a better source for the answer.  They just didn't have the
opportunity to sign up and be evaluated as a researcher.

To discard an answer simply because it came from a commentor would
defeat the purpose of this website, whish is to find the answer to the
customer's question.

Alkali-ga seems to me a very intelligent and competent researcher, I'm
surprised he is not an official researcher based on the comments I
have seen him make.
There is no need for this bickering, let us only answer the question!

Bowler-ga

If it's casual interest, it's probably just curiosity. If it seems to
be serious, from my experience and that of my TS friends,
"tranny-chasers" as we call them are generally one of three things:

repressed homosexuals/bisexuals who see "chicks with dicks" as a way
to satisfy their gay side without "being" gay

people with some kind of transvestite/gender fetish issues who see
this as a way to connect with them

really sick freaks who've seen too much Springer and think cause we're
TS we'll be into any sick nasty thing they want to do with us

If he's married, he's probably not the last kind, and hopefully, this
is just curiosity, especially if this is never something he's gone out
and acted on.

FYI, Blanchard and Bailey are quacks. Blanchard's theories about
transgenderism are not generally accepted outside of the clinic he
controls, his "autogynephilia" studies conflated transsexualism and
transvestism, didn't use female control groups, didn't distinguish
correlation from causation, and have never been replicated.

Bailey is under investigation for ethics violations and possible
criminal misconduct in regard to his book, and he has been denounced
by the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association, the
major professional association of researchers of transgenderism. He
has also been accused of having sex with a transsexual woman he was
counseling.

Almost all transsexuals think these guys are kooks, but they have a
rabid cult following of maybe 20 or so transsexuals who politically
identify as "autogynephilic"

And yes, most tranny-chasers are rabid in their self-identification as
str8. But methinks they doth protest too much...

Hi All,

Let me add a comment as I stumbled across this question by chance.  I
am a married man in a loving relationship and look at shemale
pornography.  Why?  I don't really know.  I don't see myself as being
homsexual, in fact on the contrary, I have had numerous heterosexual
relationships - probably too many from a "safe sex" perspective.  But,
probably worse, I have gone beyond the Shemale Porn, to actually
tracking down a shemale and meeting her for sex.  Ashamed? Yes. Regret
it? No  Understand why? No  Do it again? Probably.

Way forward for you?  Stumble across or suggest looking at a few porn
sites, express interest and curiosity, start with "normal" sex/porn on
the internet and try a few links to "lead" your partner to other areas
of pornography.  Do it over a few weeks and "show interest" - but
approach it all with an open mind, try not to be hurt and see what he
says.

Good luck

TimToo

Well, What can I say this is all good for me as I too recently
discovered shemale porn as a "straight" male and cant quite understand
why i like it either as I too would not class myself as "gay". I dont
find men attractive at all!!! What is all that about?

Anyway - You live once and your life is a perfect gift from God, So
just enjoy what makes you happy as long as it doesnt hurt others. If
this is hurting you then I suggest that you read some of the links
posted above and maybe talk to a councillor if its real bad. If you
must approach him dont aggressivly hound him, try and be understanding
and find what he like about it if possible.

To be blunt - Follow your heart and be honest about your feelings too,
you are part of this relationship. You need to talk as much as him.

Fusion8, UK, London.

To be honest, I don't think anyone can accurately tell this woman why
her husband likes shemale porn.  He probably doesn't understand it
himself.  What drives us sexually is very powerful and very primitive.
 I think science has just barely scratched the surface of
understanding.

For me, it all boils down to a fetish.  I am extremely attracted to
women's clothing, especially lingerie.  I once read this article that
said the reason people develop fetishes, is a deep-seated fear of
rejection.  People can reject us, but objects cannot.

Some books comment that men who cross-dress tend to be well educated
and have stressful jobs.  Cross-dressing provides an escape from the
pressures of being a man.  There is a perception amongst
cross-dressers that living as a woman is somehow easier.  They live in
this 50's romantic vision of the working man and the well-dressed wife
who stays at home and concentrates on looking pretty.

When men watch porn that shows a woman giving a blowjob, they envision
themselves receiving that blowjob from the woman in the movie.  When
they watch two women having sex, they envision the women inviting them
to participate.  I think some men are turned on by shemale porn by
thinking of themselves as being the shemale.  For some, it's the best
of two worlds.  They are attractive and desired like women, but retain
their male equipment.

I have been lucky.  I married late in life and did experiment and
pursue different choices before marriage.  My wife does not know about
this little part of my sexual past.  I can tell you that 99 percent of
the time, the fantasy is so much better that reality, it's not worth
pursuing the fantasy.

I do look at shemale porn on the internet.  I have little desire to
realize any fantasies I might have, because the fantasy is not worth
it.  The relationship I have with my wife is real.

A shot in the dark:
He wants anal sex and you ain't givin' it to him. Go buy some KY. He'll stop.

Personally, I think Shemale porn is targeted mostly toward straight
men. I am gay, and neither I nor ANY of the gay people I've ever met
in my entire life is inclined towards it. 99% of the gay men are
attracted to a masculine figure. It is the feeling of being with a men
what turns them on. I think your husband is just another straight man
with a so called "weird" fetish. Don't worry about it, join him and
learn to enjoy it too.