If I assume the worst is going to happen to me, do you think its a
self-fulfilling prophecy? Conversely, if I think positive thoughts, do
you think it'll affect the outcome of a situation in a positive way?

Specifically, I have a married lover and we are very much in love, but
as a self-protection mechanism, I keep telling him that I think it he
will probably end up staying with his wife, and that as I am single, I
will be forced to dump him to find someone else who is actually
available. I say this because it helps me prepare for any hurt that
might come along if he does stay with her.

 By saying I think he will never leave her, do you think I am
contributing to that result for the future and making it more
inevitable for him to stay with her? If I harness my mental energy for
good and start to say positive stuff like for example  " I know we
will be very happy together" " I think we
have a great future" ( which are my true thoughts but I am suppressing
them to minimise my vulnerability), do you think it might impact on
the outcome in a mind-over-matter-way and make it easier for him to be
with me? 

We are very very happy together and I wonder if my
self-protection mechanism of predicting doomsday for us is
self-defeating.

---

Clarification of Question by juniper-ga on 14 Apr 2004 00:15 PDT

Can I also add that my doomsday attitude only gets articulated very
very infrequently and does not affect our interactions in any way. Its
fairly obvious to us both that I am just saying it to protect myself
but don't really mean it or don't want it to be the case. Am I still
damaging our chances though?

maybe it's not a self defeating attitude, but moreso a guilty feeling
of being in a relationship with a man who is married. i believe there
is nothing you can think, positive or negative, that can
improve/destroy the relationship. basically, you've given the upper
hand to your married lover and it's up to him to decide whether to
continue to be with you on the side, or be completely faithful to his
wife. if he can't even be faithful to his wife, it's doubtful he can
be faithful to anyone. if he really truly loved you, he would have
left his wife already, but that doesn't seem to be happening. i would
take the high road and leave before you get duped some more. those are
just some things to consider.

Statistically speaking, romances where one party is married to another
person do not last, and do not end in the marriage of the two lovers.
So the very act of having an affair with someone who is married may,
in fact, be self defeating.

Kriswrite

Juniper,

This is just my opinion, and it's not meant to be harsh, but it is
meant to bring a certain perspective to your question.

Would you want to marry someone that you know doesn't mind being
unfaithful to his wife?  If you became the wife, would he suddenly
become the faithful type?  Would he stop telling lies?

My guess is that you're so happy because you're both insulated from
the dreary realities of an everyday, day-to-day relationship.  You get
each other's fun, exciting, romantic, adventuresome side, and you
never have to deal with each other's laundry or see each other through
the flu or work out the complexities of who gets Bobby to the dentist
and takes Ginny to basketball and whose turn it is to do the bills or
attend the teacher conference.

As long as you can keep this up, there's no reason for either of you
to change things (you're not overly troubled about the wife's
feelings, I see).  So saying he'll never leave her is probably more
realistic than self-defeating.  If he ever does leave her, run.

I predict that one day the enchantment of the forbidden will pall. 
One day you'll wish you had a guy who could spend New Year's Eve with
you and take you to a popular restaurant right downtown without
worrying about being seen and wear the silly shirt you bought him on
holiday.  Then you won't mind also putting up with the laundry, flu,
etc., that goes with the package.  When sharing another woman's
husband loses its charm, you'll define happiness another way.

Good luck, dear.

Apteryx

I agree with much of what has been said in the comments and appreciate
the objectivity of your responses, however, I must add that I have
only recently become single and before that was conducting this
relationship as a married woman. I too am therefore guilty of the same
sins as he in terms of dishonesty, and yet I know that I am still a
good person, and that he is also. I must also add that I did not
separate from my husband to be with my lover and that things had been
bad for years before the lover came along. This case is also true for
him where our relationship is a symptom, not a cause of his marital
problems.
I also agree with the observation of the enchantment of the forbidden,
but still am realistic enough to see that we have core compatability
and would be happy together, but maybe under different circumstances.

thought would 2 cents here.. as things are getting one sided here.. ;)

Relax... take it as it comes.. enjoy the moment (atleast..if it does
not last forever).. you do not know what the future holds for both of
you.. so just by thinking about the future would not help you.. so
just forget about it :)

If the relationships lasts forever good for you.. otherwise yes !!!
you might be depressed for some time.. but you would have enjoyed all
the time you were with him.. and then time would heal your wounds :)

Personally speaking, I am a married guy, and I would not indulge in a
relationship like this.. but if I do get into a situation like this by
mistake (I would get out of it as soon as possible), but if I continue
I guess I know what I am getting into :)

Just to update you all. We have decided to have a break in the
relationship so that he can decide which was he wants to go - either
he leaves or he gives it a serious go before giving it up.
In some sense I am optimistic that it'll work out for us, but more
importantly, I am no longer happy with half a relationship and want
all or nothing at this stage. Anything else is a waste of time. Thanks
for your input.

Juniper,

Thank you for the update.  A lot of stories are hinted at in the
questions we see posted here, but seldom do we learn how they turn
out.

All or nothing sounds right to me, but no one else can ever really
advise on a relationship because no one else can ever know what is
really between two people.  People often give advice they couldn't
take themselves.  I'd say go with your gut.

Apteryx