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Q: Need to hear any joke please ( Answered 5 out of 5 stars,   13 Comments )
Subject: Need to hear any joke please
Category: Miscellaneous
Asked by: pietch-ga
List Price: $10.00
Posted: 28 Apr 2004 06:45 PDT
Expires: 28 May 2004 06:45 PDT
Question ID: 337571
Tell me a joke, any joke, thanks :)
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
Answered By: willie-ga on 28 Apr 2004 06:57 PDT
Rated:5 out of 5 stars
Hi, and thanks for the question

This one was supposedly the best joke in the world, according to the
British Association for the Advancement of Science


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He
doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man
pulls out his phone and calls emergency services and gasps to the
operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a
shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" 


Source: ABC News

The scientists said the joke was interesting because it worked across
many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and
old alike.

On the other hand, I prefer these:

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." 
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that!"

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and
wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The
clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only
nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

And my favourite joke that nobody but geeks ever understands is this one:

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding: 
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously. 
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!" 


Google search used
best joke in the world
worlds best joke
pietch-ga rated this answer:5 out of 5 stars and gave an additional tip of: $1.00

Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: probonopublico-ga on 28 Apr 2004 07:29 PDT
I like the one about the man who didn't know the difference between
incest and arson ....

He set fire to his sister.
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: strange1-ga on 28 Apr 2004 09:25 PDT
> My dog doesn't have a nose.
> How does he smell?
> Just terrible!
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: dskeel-ga on 28 Apr 2004 11:19 PDT
A farmer was taking his first flight and was a bit nervous.  A man got
onto the plan and found himself sitting next to the farmer.  He
noticed how nervous the farmer was and asked him if he would like to
have a conversation to keep his mind off of the flight.

"Sure, sounds like a good idea! What do you want to talk about?" asked the farmer.

"Well, I'm a nuclear scientist, how about we talk about the theroy of
cold fusion?" asked the man with a tiny smirk on his face.

The farmer thought about it a little bit and then said, "Sure thing,
but first I'd like to ask you a question."

"Go ahead the man replied." Thinking to himself he was going to be
able to milk the situation for humourous stories to take back to his

"Well, " said the farmer, " you know how cows, horses, rabbits eat
grass and veggies?" The man nodded. "How can all the same stuff goes
in one end and look so different when it comes out the other end?  I
mean some of the stuff comes out in little pellets and other times it
comes out looking like a base ball with little hairs sticking out of
it.  At other times it comes out runny and flattens on the ground."

The man was a bit disgusted and said, "How the hell should I know?"

The farmer replied:

"How the hell do you want to have an intelligent conversation with me
when you don't know shit?"
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: mothererich-ga on 28 Apr 2004 11:52 PDT
How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go for a bike ride?
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: froglala-ga on 28 Apr 2004 14:02 PDT
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: pinkfreud-ga on 28 Apr 2004 14:12 PDT

For several years I have been telling that Heisenberg joke to almost
everyone I know. Very few people laugh, and I am not sure whether they
don't "get" it, or whether they understand it fully, but just don't
find it amusing.

I guess there is an uncertainty principle to humour, too. ;-)

Did you hear the one about the old inn that had a plaque saying
"Heisenberg might have slept here"?

Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: apteryx-ga on 28 Apr 2004 21:38 PDT
Three of my all-time favorites are light bulb jokes.  The light bulb
joke must have been one of the most productive gag formulas ever.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

  One, but the light bulb must really want to change.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

  Two, one to change the light bulb and one not to change the light bulb.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

  None.  "Oh, don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark . . ."

Giggling yet?
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: gunner0812-ga on 29 Apr 2004 01:25 PDT
(This has the potential to become a long thread..)

An older man is found in the isle of a drug store looking a bit
nervous and lost. An employee of the store asks if she can be of any
assistance. He sheepishly answers, "Well, yes, I'm looking for the know...tampons". The employee smiles
politely and tells the man he will find what he needs on isle 6. A few
minutes later the man walks up to the checkout counter with a huge bag
of cotton balls and a roll of string. The woman, perplexed, asks the
man, "Were you not able to find the tampons?" "Well," says the man,
"the other day I sent my wife in here for some cigarettes and she
returned with papers and a bag of tobacco telling me it would be
cheaper to roll my own. I figured she could do the same..."

<insert rimshot here>
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: owain-ga on 29 Apr 2004 14:37 PDT
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the
undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her
tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing
a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The
undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put
the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment
with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile
through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She
says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that
beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your
husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife
explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried
in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the

Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: spacem-ga on 04 May 2004 03:39 PDT
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: spacem-ga on 04 May 2004 03:43 PDT
Why can't skeletons play church music? 

They don't have any organs!

OMGOMOMGOGOMGOG LOLOLOOOOOOOLLOLOO!!!! hahhjadgawgeyuawrguahiudfkndsgvfn kztkjse
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: lindafairchild-ga on 04 May 2004 15:39 PDT
What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses:)

My old English professor told me this joke and it still cracks me up:)
Subject: Re: Need to hear any joke please
From: elainpeach-ga on 17 Dec 2004 05:42 PST
What did the fish say when he hit the cement wall?


Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He used to lay
awake all night wondering, "Is there a dog?"

A Polar bear walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a .... beer."   THe
bar tender says "What's with the big pause?"

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