How do I get over romantic crushes I get on women?

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Request for Question Clarification by mvguy-ga on 02 Jul 2002 06:47 PDT

How old are you? Are you married, or have you been before? Are you male?  Thanks!

Wow, DohDoh, that's a toughy. You're asking about personality traits
that take years to develop, and specific situations we cannot begin to
understand. Nevertheless :), I'll be glad to take a stab at it.

First, lets talk about personality. There are a number of personality
types that may have more of a tendancy toward developing a crush.
People who are particularly insecure may have more of a need to
associate with another person and thus tend to get a crush. Some
people simply are nurturers and have a need to help or support
another. Whatever your particular personality, you should be aware of
these traits and learn to deal with them. Just remember that the real
need in most cases is a need for intimacy.

Now we can talk about getting over crushes. If you are saying that you
often get a crush on someone and want to stop that, then there are
several things I suggest. First and foremost, seek counseling from a
licensed psychologist or therapist. They can help guide you through
why you act in this way and help you discover ways to deal with it.
There's certainly no longer any stigma about getting counseing, and
there a usually agencies in every city that might take your case at a
very minimal cost. The most important thing is to be aware of your
tendency in this area, and understand that you need to fight this
tendency. True love is built over considerable time, and your various
personality traits may be leading you in the wrong direction.

Now lets focus in on the current problem. Lets say your question is
spurred by a particular person you have a crush on. I'm assuming the
relationship is not going well. The very best thing to do is
understand that the relationship is unhealthy (assuming of course this
is the case and you accept this) and it is better for you to be out of
it. Beyond that the answer is simple and one you've probably heard
before. Stay away from that person, don't be tempted to renew the
relationship, and stay busy. Try to make new friends that occupy your
time and attentions. In the long run multiple good friends can fulfill
many of the needs a person has. And with this type of approach, you'll
actually be more interesting and appealing! But the very, very best
healer is always time. In a few weeks - or perhaps months at worst -
you'll be fine.

Well I hope this helps. Nothing I say is really going to make you feel
a lot better. But perhaps something I said will help you or prepare
you for the next time. :)

Good luck, dohdoh!

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Request for Answer Clarification by dohdoh-ga on 06 Jul 2002 16:24 PDT

Hello-
I am a 48 year old male- divorced or two years. I've had these crushes
(usually on unavailable women) four times in the past 20 years.

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Clarification of Answer by prof-ga on 06 Jul 2002 21:59 PDT

Dohdoh,

that actually explains a lot. :) The good news is that you are about
as typical as any red-blooded human male can be! Married men (and
married women) especially, tend to develop crushes on the
unattainable. That's exactly why we develop that crush - they're an
impossibility. It's like falling in love with a movie star, and the
more unavailable they are, the more we want them.

The other thing that sticks out in your reply is the fact that you've
been divorced for 2 years. Divorce is a traumatic period. On top of
that, it's likely that there was not a great deal of intimacy for
possibly years before the divorce. Thus people - men and women alike -
are extremely vulnerable at this point in their lives. They have a
strong need for intimacy that is rather hard to achieve at this stage,
because of all the walls we've built up over the years to protect
ourselves.

Please, please understand that this is a difficult time and things
WILL get better. You'll continue getting over your past hurts and
learn to develop intimate relationships with both sexes. This is
important. And as a matter of fact, most relationships you'll develop
will no longer be "unavailable" as you associate with other single
people. So you're much more likely to find the type of relationship
that is fulfilling for both of you.

Trust me. Over the past 20 years i've had a lot more than 3 crushes! I
was married when I had them, got divorced, went through 2 years of
heck (there may be children in the audience) and now have a wonderful
relationship.

Just look forward to all the exciting times ahead!

dohdoh,
I'd just like to take the opportunity to add that crushes, in general,
are *perfectly normal* feelings to have, especially if you're an
adolescent and/or just working out the boundaries of your sexuality. 
I agree with the "prof" - you've got to wait it out (unless one crush
on one person only has gone on for an unreasonable amount of time - or
if you feel you need therapy, get it).  Write some
(bad/good/sappy/angsty/whatever) poetry, or song lyrics, or a diary to
reflect and get out your feelings.

If you want to read what I think is an interesting theory of why love
goes awry so much, I'd recommend "A General Theory of Love" by Lewis,
Amini, and Lannon.  (It's not a textbook.)  Yes, it's psychobiology,
but it's presented in an easy-to-understand and thought-provoking
manner.  Here's a link to it at amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0375709223/qid=1025628695/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/102-0549543-9700146
Reading, of course, will also take your mind off the crush.  From
personal experience I recommend lots of sci-fi/fantasy by Heinlein,
Herbert, McCaffrey, and Douglas Adams. :)
~hippychick

Hi Doh,

I can't recommend Dorothy Tennov's book "Love and Limerance" highly
enough in helping a person see crushes for what they are.  Although
it's a difficult time you're going through, this book might help put
your feelings into perspective.  It was written in the 1970s but was
so popular it had a reprinting in 1999. 
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/B-ROMC.html

My only advice is to read this book, stay away from country and
western bars/heartbreak songs, treat yourself well, and meditate on
"this too shall pass." ;-)
V

The question you pose is interesting. There's more to your question
than "figuring out how to get over the crush." More broadly, the issue
is one of "understanding why we are having crushes with 'high
emotional investment' that end quickly."

One approach is to consider how clear you are on your values,
self-esteem, interests, and goals. We often "get into relationships"
so that we can ~avoid~ internal reflection.

Several questions you may wish to explore:

- What positive aspects in the other person that I'm attracted
to/noticing would I like to develop in myself? Think of people as
mirrors, they remind us of what we value and our potential.

- What needs do I have that I perceive can only be satisifed through
others? What we seek in others we can develop within.

- What recurring patterns do I have in my relationship; and what may
some unresolved issues I'm trying to resolve with this new crush?  We
often seek relationships with those who can help us "work through"
issues to develop ourselves.

- What patterns am I noticing in those I am attracted to, and what
"common attractions" are related to needs relative to unfulfilled
desires/nurturing at home? We often seek relationships with those who
resemble our parents; and if we feel the "need to feel guilty" we find
people who are critical and perfectionists.

- What feeling would I experiene if I let go of the external
relationship and focused on developing myself and finding the answers
within; why am I afraid of feeling this emotion? When we understand
our fear, we realize our motivation.

- What are the perceived obsacles and messages I'm getting from those
I surround myself that encourages me to rely on others for answers or
qualities that I could answer myself or develop within; what would
happen if I ignored these incentives to continue "high investment"
relationships? Society's messages may reinforce relationship-decisions
that are not in our highest interests.

If these are the types of questions that you find interesting, you may
find the following book enlightening:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/002-0905141-1786469

The question you pose is interesting. There's more to your question
than "figuring out how to get over the crush." More broadly, the issue
is one of "understanding why we are having crushes with 'high
emotional investment' that end quickly."

One approach is to consider how clear you are on your values,
self-esteem, interests, and goals. We often "get into relationships"
so that we can ~avoid~ internal reflection.

Several questions you may wish to explore:

- What positive aspects in the other person that I'm attracted
to/noticing would I like to develop in myself? Think of people as
mirrors, they remind us of what we value and our potential.

- What needs do I have that I perceive can only be satisifed through
others? What we seek in others we can develop within.

- What recurring patterns do I have in my relationship; and what may
some unresolved issues I'm trying to resolve with this new crush?  We
often seek relationships with those who can help us "work through"
issues to develop ourselves.

- What patterns am I noticing in those I am attracted to, and what
"common attractions" are related to needs relative to unfulfilled
desires/nurturing at home? We often seek relationships with those who
resemble our parents; and if we feel the "need to feel guilty" we find
people who are critical and perfectionists.

- What feeling would I experiene if I let go of the external
relationship and focused on developing myself and finding the answers
within; why am I afraid of feeling this emotion? When we understand
our fear, we realize our motivation.

- What are the perceived obsacles and messages I'm getting from those
I surround myself that encourages me to rely on others for answers or
qualities that I could answer myself or develop within; what would
happen if I ignored these incentives to continue "high investment"
relationships? Society's messages may reinforce relationship-decisions
that are not in our highest interests.

If these are the types of questions that you find interesting, you may
find the following book enlightening:

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends (3rd Edition)
by Bruce Fisher, Robert E. Alberti, Virginia M. Satir

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/188623017X/qid=1027459504/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-0905141-1786469

hippychick is write.. I mean, right. Put it in a diary or website or
whatever. Someday.. you'll be cool. :)

It all depends on ur social and mental status, if yu are already in a
strong and healthy relation with a Woman. Sister, mother, friend then
i guess crushes wud be not so frequent. The main problem concerning yu
is not crushes but women. Try having a woman friend. Someone whom yu
can confide into. Believe me if ur self esteem is high as posted by my
other friends and yu have a responsible job to do, yu can reduce the
longing for crushes soon.

Kestia,

The part about the "mirror" reminding me of what I value in my life
rang especially true to me. You've given me lots to think about. Thank
you for your comment,

Sincerely,

Steph