"Is there a reccomended therapy treatment for this condition?"
I am a counsellor with many years experience in counselling children
and families in the situation mentioned and have also personally
experienced what you describe in my own children (after separation,
who live with us some of the time) and my new partner's children (who
live with us some of the time too).
You do not state the current age of the children, stating only that it
started at ages 1 and 4.
Even if there is no conflict (or no great conflict) children will have
divided loyalties and will play one parent off against the other. This
happens even without separation. Certainly this is more stressful
where the parents are separated and in deep conflict, which I have
seen give rise to anxiety that manifests in many ways including:
trouble sleeping, recurring illnesses (real and psychosomatic), lying,
poor performance at school, acting-out (mis) behaviour at school,
intense focus on other things like tv, computers, pets, particular
friends (a type of escapism), loss of appetite, increased sibling
rivalry, overeating, withdrawal and many other things. Generally these
are all ways of the child seeking attention and reassurance and love
from the parent they are with. They may tell lies about the other
parent because that is what they believe the parent they are with
wants to hear. They see the parent they are with is angry with and
aggressive (emotionally/verbally) towards the absent parent. The child
loves that other parent and sees the aggressor as attacking them (also
to some extent, the child has a personalised version of the other
parent in themselves which feels the aggression too). Children may
fear that the aggressive parent they are with may disown them too.
I have found it is very helpful to talk to the children about what
they are doing and not avoiding the issue. If you know the child is
behaving in an inappropriate way then try to address the reason behind
it. For example if they over respond to teasing byb a sibling by
yelling profanities or crying out of proportion to what was done then
rather than say to the other "Don't tease." You might start on the
real issue by saying "You're sad because he teased you." Going to the
heart of the matter by saying "You're sad because your dad/mom and I
don't get on well," would just go over the child's head as they don't
understand that's why they're sad and acting up.
Likewise a conscious effort not to disparage the other parent helps.
Of the greatest help is for the child to hear you saying positive
things about the other parent (even things like "I'm sure you mom/dad
is doing their best for you" which is usually true, even if you don't
like *what* they're doing). Also for the children to see the two
parents talking calmly about day to day issues at handover time help
immensely (though sometimes the conflict is too great for this to
happen).
You ask about long term effects. Studies have shown that long term
effects of living in two households can actually be beneficial and the
children learn two ways of living, two ways to run a house, two ways
to discipline, two ways to manage finances, two ways to organise
chores etc etc. This is in the long term. In the shorter term it is
stressful for the children. I can provide a reference for this if
necessary. You are unlikely to find good info on this subject on the
Net as I've looked before v thoroughly and what can be found is not
reliable or clearly is not given by reputable sources or is too
general in nature.
In short the behaviour of the parents leads to the stress and conflict
an the behaviour of the parents is the only thing that will best help
the children. Hence there is no "recommended therapy" aside from the
direction touched upon above. Certainly a parent might seek therapy in
how to parent better and reduce the conflict (or how that conflict
manifests in the children's eyes). In my experience it is the children
who are powerless to change and hence do not greatly benefit from
therapy for themselves alone. This changes as the children grow older
(eg from about the age of 8-10) when they begin to become independent
of both parents (which is more likely when the conflict is greater)
and hence reject both parents when they realise the each parent in
acting inappropriately. Sometimes it is only one parent who is the
"unreasonable" one and the children will eventually see that. Be
warned though that thinking you are the reasonable one doesn't
necessarily mean that that is so and by the time a child starts to
become independent then to a large extent the cast is set and a
teenager's (or younger child's) judgement is far far harder to
overcome than loving parenting earlier. Children are not stupid and
remember what is said when they are 3 or 4 and will judge their
parents by that. They are also very forgiving. You do not have to be
perfect and children recognise a parent who is genuinely trying to do
what is best for them.
I have covered this issue at length with clients over many months of
sessions to resolve this issue and whilst you may be gathering
information for evidence in court or for your own education I suggest
you constantly keep in mind question "What is best for the children?"
I'm not sure if you'll like what I've said here! I have perhaps
addressed the issue behind the questions you asked rather than taken
you at face value. However I do hope this helps the children and you. |
