Dear -ga,


I need your help over a relationship issue. I don't have any friends
with whom I can comfortably discuss the matter and come up with the
right thing to think about and the right decision to make. At the
moment I really feel desperate.

I am a college student and about one and half years ago, I deeply fell
in love with a student of my year. I was taking the same classes with
him. Early, because we lived in the same building, I worked with him
occasionally on assignments. During this time I got to know him and
fell in love with him.

This is the first time in my life that I fell in love with a person.
In the next few months, despite my "best efforts" (can't really call
them efforts; I always have been shy of having anything other than
friends and despite having many male friends, I fleed when guys
expressed their affections or asked for a date), this person never
seem to notice me, and I never talk to him ever since.

It wasn't until half years later did I realized that I made a serious
mistake: I chose to only think about him and neglected to socialized
with others. Worse, I sank into depression and barely passed my
classes, in the process lossing interests in the subject that I loved
most. I was not getting anywhere close to be called his acquiantance,
and this resulted in the longest, and the greatest frustration and
loneliness that I have experienced.

For a year I didn't see him at all, and thought I forget him quite
alot. However, by chance I saw him not to long ago, which surprisingly
resulted in me again overwhelmed by sadness for a few days.

What I know for sure is that the chance of talking to him, let alone
befriending him, is too remote. He is a good and well-loved person,
but his background of grown up in a lovable environment is totally at
poles with mine. I didn't sought much other than befriend him, but
there is simply too much and too long an emotional damage done on my
part.

The question is a matter of choices: 

1.
Next term I may live in the same place again as he does. I can move to
another place to live, but it is an entirely new environment and I
don't have any friends there. If I stay, I still have acquiantances
(most of my friends graduated & moved away) who may help me to get me
interested in my life again. But I will be occasionally seeing him.
Should I move?

2.
There is a class which I may take that he may ended up in the same
class. I would avoid anything like that. But taking this class is
essential to me. What should I do?


-ant137

Dear ant137,

I don't claim to have great insight, but I hope this helps. It sounds
like you are very conflicted about whether to continue your one-sided
relationship with this guy or create a new life for yourself without
him.
My advice would be for you to move to a new place away from him and
start your new life. While it will be very hard at first to be away
from him, this will allow you to form new friendships and practice
getting comfortable with dating your male friends. It sounds like you
already know that you don't have a future with your past love, so you
need to think about your future, both in terms of education and
relationships.
In terms of the class that you will need to take...once again you need
to think about yourself. If taking the class is essential to you, then
by all means take it. Don't put your future on hold for him.
Best wishes, - tardis

Hi ant137,

If it helps, may I say that you are not the first person to find
yourself in this position and you certainly won't be the last.

Obviously I don't know whether what I am about to say will help but I
truly hope so.

The first thing I think you need to overcome is your shyness around
the opposite sex. This may not be easy but I have given you a couple
of links below which should help you to do this. The first link is a
little questionnaire and the second gives tips and help in overcoming
your shyness. In fact there are thousands of pages on the Internet
dealing with this.

Shyness is a state of mind. I think the best way to overcome it is to
become more assertive around people. If you are talking to someone or
discussing a subject I am sure that there are a million words running
round in your mind just itching to get out and be heard but you are
afraid because you may say something that sounds stupid so you just
let these words race around aimlessly.

Make yourself say them, it is more likely that you will say something
which will be highly regarded than it is that you say something dumb.
If you do say something dumb, so what, we all do on occasion. Remember
those you are talking to have said stupid things themselves.

The two links are:

http://www.wellesley.edu/Psychology/Cheek/howshy20_text.html

http://members.aol.com/cybernettr/shysite/dating.html

Regarding the feelings you have for the young man. I did not see
anywhere in your post where you said he was dating or involved with
someone else. If he is not involved with anyone my advice must be to
pluck up the courage, approach him and start talking to him. Listen to
how he talks to you and watch his body language That should give you
an insight as to his feelings toward you. You never know, he may feel
a great deal for you but he may suffer the same shyness problem you
do.

If you get the impression that he does not or may never feel the same
for you as you do for him, although it will hurt, at least you will
know and emotionally and psychologically you will take the decision to
get on with your life. Take it step by step. If you feel he has
feelings toward you, let him know by your actions and words that you
think a great deal about him. Don't expect it to happen overnight, but
speak to him whenever you can, find out if you have any of the same
interests he has and if so talk to him about them.

My advice is don't even consider moving away simply because of the way
you feel about this person. If you feel it would benefit your career
or other ways to move, then it might be worth considering. But not
just because you feel it is awkward being in close proximity to him.

Unfortunately, awkward situations occur many times in our lives and we
must learn to face and deal with them. We cannot just uproot and run
away from them each time they crop up, no matter how much we want to.
If we do we will always be running from something.

As far as taking the same class as this young man is concerned. Go
ahead and take it. That way you and he should get to know each other
better and who knows you may be able to help each other with your
studies as you did before. A very important consideration for you must
be your education and career. If this class is going to help you in
this regard, you must take it.

Even if it transpires that you and he are not fated to become an item,
there is no reason why you cannot become good friends.

It is said that you never forget your first love. It is certainly true
for me (but please don't tell my wife (LoL)). Please remember that
although you may feel that if you and he do not get together, it is
the end of your world, honestly, it isn't. You will get over it and
you will fall in love again. There is someone for everyone and if you
and he are not fated to be together, that simply means that there is
another waiting somewhere in the wings for you.

May I wish you the very best of luck and my best wishes for a happy
life. Also the very best of luck with your studies.

Plutus1947
(John)

Why do you assume he is far and above you? There's really no such
thing, as far as I can tell :) In addition, it's kind of insulting to
make decisions for other people. Who knows? Maybe he's attracted to
you, too.
 
My best advice is to become friends with him. Don't be afraid. You
really have nothing to loose and everything to gain. Then, gradually,
let him know how you feel.

If he tells you he doesn't feel the same way about you, then you
should separate yourself from him and move on with your life. But if
he feels similarly...you'll be happy you didn't just sneak off into
the sunset.

Best wishes,
Kriswrite