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Q: girlfriend with abandonment issues ( Answered 5 out of 5 stars,   5 Comments )
Subject: girlfriend with abandonment issues
Category: Relationships and Society > Romance
Asked by: fj60-ga
List Price: $25.00
Posted: 27 Jul 2004 16:47 PDT
Expires: 26 Aug 2004 16:47 PDT
Question ID: 379969
I've been dating a girl for the past nine months, and i've never been
more in love with anyone.  We both feel the same way about each other
and have talked about spending our lives together, however, there is
one issue that is creating a problem.  Since we began dating, she has
often talked about her fears of abandonment.  She has very real fears
that my feelings for her will change.  I'm constantly reassuring her
of how i feel.  I think these fears are based on the fact that she was
adopted, her father was abusive, and she has had several long term
relationships (1.5 - 3 years) that have all ended.  She has told me
that several of these relationships have ended because she felt the
other person stopped loving her.  The problem is that i'm more and
more frequently touching this nerve that triggers her fear of
abandonment, and she is more and more frequently upset.  I'm reaching
a point where i'm afraid to make plans with my friends because i don't
want her feelings to be hurt.  For example, I recently had old friends
come into town, and wanted to block of Friday night, Saturday night,
and Sunday morning to spend with them.  Considering this is my best
friend from childhood, this seemed reasonable to me.  However, she
became deeply upset at me for setting aside that much time with them. 
Her hurt feelings have started to manifest themselves as anger towards
me, and when she acts angrily towards me, i have a hard time being
understanding and sympathetic.  I try to be very sensitive to her fear
of abandonment, but its starting to make me nervous to live my life
normally.  She is currently seeing a therapist, and has been for some
time. However, i'm nervous that this will get worse rather than
better.  There is a very clear pattern emerging:  She gets upset at
something very minor that somehow hits this nerve of abandonment, her
hurt feelings turn to anger at me, the next day she realizes she was
irrational and apologizes, and then she feels as though she is not
good at relationships and gets scared she's driving me crazy.  I want
to help her heal her abandonment wounds, and stop this cycle of
arguing that we've fallen into.  I'm not sure how to react when her
abandonment fear is triggered - i usually submit to her irrational
feelings so that she feels better, but its sometimes at the expense of
my other relationships with friends.
Subject: Re: girlfriend with abandonment issues
Answered By: sublime1-ga on 27 Jul 2004 19:04 PDT
Rated:5 out of 5 stars

I worked for 20+ years in the field of mental health, and I 
empathize with your situation. As is often the case in 
questions like this, the answer is implied in the very words
of the question you've posed:

"...she has had several long term relationships (1.5 - 3 years)
 that have all ended. She has told me that several of these
 relationships have ended because she felt the other person
 stopped loving her."

Notice the very accurate and significant use of the word 'felt'.
The relationships ended because she 'felt' that the other
person stopped loving her - not because they did.

This is almost certain to repeat itself in your current 
relationship, simply because that's how feelings work.
They often ignore the facts which an external consensus
of people might agree upon, in favor of perceptions based
on a person's internal emotional environment.

When someone comes from an abusive or traumatic background,
the feelings which are stimulated in these childhood situations
are often simply too painful to be experienced (felt) and 
integrated (understood) at the time. Nonetheless, they are
a part of the person's experience, and cannot be dismissed.
They must, eventually be experienced and integrated.

Arthur Janov, author of 'The Primal Scream' used to describe
it this way: when a young rabbit comes across it's mother in
a snow-filled forest, dead, the young rabbit itself will die
instantly of the equivalent of a heart attack, knowing, on some
level, that it cannot survive the winter without the support
of its mother. Many children, faced with as clear of a knowing
that their parent(s) cannot help them survive, or worse, pose
a threat to their already tenuous survival, would experience
the same response. The human, on the other hand, has a way of 
defending itself from such a life threatening realization.
It simply separates the feeling which might have killed it,
had it been experienced at a young age, from the memory of
the incident. The memory is then buried (supressed) until the
human is more mature, physically and mentally, and is strong
enough to bear the feelings which might have killed it when
it was younger.

The problem arises from the fact that these feelings and 
memories are kept behind a tightly-locked door, which has
a label saying, in effect, 'touch this and you'll die'.

So, even when the person is, in fact, physically and emotionally
strong enough to endure the feelings which have been suppressed,
and mentally developed enough to comprehend why an adult might
act the way the parent(s) did, when the feeling begins to surface,
it still brings up the message 'touch this and you'll die'.

Additionally, the person to whom these feelings are occurring
still feels like the helpless, clueless child to which they
occurred those many years ago. The adult mind and body give
way to the self-perception that they are still young and
vulnerable to the implications of these horrible feelings.

Further, the intellect, or 'internal dialogue' of the thoughts
we recycle endlessly, is enlisted to distract us from these
feelings which threatened to destroy us. It takes up the role
of the guardian to prevent us from feeling our bodies and
emotions too clearly.

Nonetheless, as the person matures, they do become strong enough
and aware enough to handle these suppressed feelings, and they
start to surface. The mechanism for their surfacing is simply
that the person perceives the world through lenses colored by
their experience. In simple terms, if they were beaten by a 
person who always dressed in orange, while they may not remember
it, they will have an irrational fear of people dressed in orange.

More precisely, they will tend to experience the world around
them in whatever way will allow access to the suppressed feelings.
If they have some buried rage, e.g., they might explode into rage
in a situation where a better-integrated person would simply feel
annoyed or mildly angry. In other words, they will interpret what
is happening around them in terms that will allow them to feel the
buried feelings - all on an unconscious basis.

The 'guardian' intellect becomes a 'guard', rationalizing in the
present tense about why these feelings are a result of the events
of the current moment, and further locking them out of the chance
of feeling these feelings for what they are.

Unfortunately, feeling that rage in relation to the current
circumstances won't result in its integration or final release.
A fit of anger may provide temporary release, but the true
source of the rage goes unrecognized, and this causes the 
feelings to renew themselves, returning in an endless cycle.

If one can be taught to distinguish between the stimulus and the
feelings which are stimulated, especially when they are out of 
proportion to the stimulus, then there is hope. They can, at that
point, say a silent 'thank you' to whatever situation stimulated
the feeling, and then go off by themselves to explore the feeling
on its own, independent of the stimulus. If they can find a 
therapist who is available when this happens, and can assist them
in finding the courage to go deeper into the feeling, rather than
just talking about it, all the better. But, as you probably know,
therapists are generally not available for the kind of in-depth
approach of which I am speaking.

What is needed, whether with the assistance of a therapist, or
whether by herself, is to find a quiet space in which to open
up to the feeling, knowing that it is coming from within her,
arising from events she may not remember. The intellect, which
wants to blame the feeling on some present-day event which 
stimulated it, needs to be ignored, and her attention needs to
be gently re-focused on the feeling itself. Laying on one's 
back in an emotionally open, defenseless posture (arms to the
side, leaving the abdomen exposed), and taking deep abdominal 
breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, can 
assist greatly in allowing the feeling to expand itself into 
her body, while her awareness moves deeper into the center of
the feeling.

Another technique which can be helpful is to give a voice to 
the feeling. Don't think, but feel what the feeling might say
if it were given expression verbally. If a particular expression
strikes a chord, the body can feel it. Try saying it out loud,
connecting it emotionally with the feeling which is surfacing.
If it's the right phrase, she may suddenly find the feeling
comes alive, riding on the expression of the voice and being
released in a cathartic flood of emotion. This may also be
accompanied by a sudden remembering of an event long forgotten,
which is the true source of the feelings. Shortly thereafter,
she may have a flood of insights as to how this suppressed
feeling has colored her perception of past and current events,
and effected the choices she has made in her life. 

Most certainly, she will notice that her mind is quieter, 
since there is no need to defend her from the feeling which
has been integrated. She will 'feel' in that moment, better
than she has ever 'felt' before. And this improved ability to
feel is permanent. It cannot be threatened in an adult the
way it was in a child.

Once fully felt and integrated in this manner, that feeling
and its accompanying memories, will have no further negative
influence on her life. It will be as though they never occurred,
except that she will have re-acquired the memories and learned
the lessons they have to teach her.

Most people only need to experience such a breakthrough one
time, and they are thereafter empowered by the experience
and have a deep knowing that they can go through it as often
as is needed to integrate all their suppressed feelings and
memories as they arise.

As for your role in this, I would not recommend giving up
your friends or priorities in order to accommodate her
feelings, especially when you recognize them to be irrational.
In doing so, you will simply become an extension of her defense
mechanisms - changing your behaviors to make certain that she
doesn't have to feel the unwanted, unpleasant feelings.
This will destroy your own integrity, and will not succeed
in maintaining hers. Her integrity is already impaired, and
what will restore it is the exact opposite of the goal of
her defenses. Instead of arranging her life so that the 
threatening feelings are never stimulated, she must learn
to welcome their stimulation, and embrace the painful feelings
as the lost parts of herself which they are.

In a very real sense, the abandonment she projects onto you
and others in her life is arising from those parts of herself
(feelings and memories) which she is abandoning when she 
gives into the defenses which would blame them on you, in the
present moment.

Most children who have been abused have, in order to survive,
abandoned a major part of themselves, leaving it buried in
the unremembered past, along with feelings they didn't dare
to feel at the time. Those feelings, themselves, cry out to
them when they are fully-grown, begging not to be abandoned.

The information I've provided here is not based on research
of theoretical concepts, but is grounded in my own personal
experiences in 20+ years of working with my own mental health
and that of others.

If anything in my answer is not clear, feel free to ask about it.

Please do not rate this answer until you are satisfied that  
the answer cannot be improved upon by way of a dialog  
established through the "Request for Clarification" process. 
A user's guide on this topic is on skermit-ga's site, here: 

Clarification of Answer by sublime1-ga on 28 Jul 2004 01:21 PDT
I want to thank all the contributors of caring comments,
and I'd like to confirm donphiltrodt-ga's remarks with
regard to the possiblility that the diagnosis of 
Borderline Personality Disorder is relevant to this
discussion. I did not address this possibility because
your question did not mention this diagnosis, despite
the fact that she is seeing a therapist. BPD is a 
considerably more complex diagnosis, which calls for
therapeutic approaches above and beyond what I have
described. The literature shows that a person with 
this diagnosis often improves within a timeframe of
many years, which is to say by their mid-thirties to
early forties, simply through the process of maturing,
often 'in spite of', as much as 'as a result of', the
cumulative effects of the therapy they have received.

It is likewise possible that this specific diagnosis
is not relevant to your girlfriend's situation.

With regard to non-psychiatric approaches to addressing
the issue of fear of abandonment, I would personally
recommend a course in human potential which I've taken,
called Avatar. I am licensed to teach the course, but
I provide this information, not to solicit you as a
customer, but to inform you of another option which
I believe to be equally as useful as the Tony Robbins'

The Avatar course is an experiential, more than verbal, course
about the dynamics of attention, perception, will, awareness,
beliefs, and the dynamics of creation and discreation.

The essence of what is taught, experientially, is that the 
judgments and distinctions of the mind interfere with our 
ability to be at peace and thereby feel and perceive the world
in a very different way. Once you are able to experience the
very real burden imposed by viewing the world through the 
judgments created by the beliefs we hold, it becomes obvious
that we can release these beliefs and their related judgments,
and the tools for doing so are provided.

One learns, experientially, that whether adopted via tradition,
experience, or choice, the beliefs you hold are responsible for 
the judgments you make as to what is good or bad, desirable
or repulsive. You learn that these judgments are a virtual
prison which keep you attached to your usual view of yourself
and your relationship to the world around you. And you learn
that, since you (knowingly or not) created these beliefs, you
can also discreate them - and you are taught the tools, or
processes, to do so.

The course is available in 65 countries and all 50 states.
It takes 9 days to learn the tools, and as long as you choose
to use them for the purposes of self-improvement. There are
Buddhist monks who have stated they achieved their long
sought state of enlightenment during the course itself.
Yet, since it is a course about belief management, there
are many others who have successfully applied the tools
toward different goals, such as business, relationships
or health. The homepage for Stars Edge is here:

You can search for a licensed Master in your location, here:

You can review success stories here:

You can sign up for a free Journal, sent quarterly, here:

The contact page for Stars Edge is here:

You can download a free (PDF file) copy of 'Living Deliberately',
the story of Harry Palmer's discovery of the processes which he
distilled into the Avatar course, and required reading for the 
course, here:

Another site which has archives of the Avatar Journal (which
sometimes contain exercises from the ReSurfacing Workbook,
another required text for the course) is Avatar Overdrive:

Best regards...

fj60-ga rated this answer:5 out of 5 stars
This is an excellent starting point - thanks for your help and advice!

Subject: Re: girlfriend with abandonment issues
From: daytrader76-ga on 27 Jul 2004 19:38 PDT
You love each other, and you are both trying.  There is hope.  Do your
best to control what you say when the two of you fight.  Hurtful words
never really go away.

Does she have low self-esteem in general?  She does not have
Borderline Personality Disorder, right?  Is the fear of abandonment
possibly a symptom of something larger?
Subject: Re: girlfriend with abandonment issues
From: mcavic-ga on 27 Jul 2004 20:53 PDT
Much of what you say sounds very familiar, as my wife has had similar
feelings.  We've been together for over 3 years, and married for 1

Her fears and feelings resulting from the past will probably never
completely go away, but I do believe there is hope.  I suspect that
one of two things will happen.  (1) Things will improve slowly but
steadily as you become more comfortable with each other, and she
trusts you more.  She will realize that you have your own separate
life, and that spending time away from her doesn't mean that you're
shunning her.  Or, (2) things will continue to go down hill to the
point that one or both of you have an overwhelming need to end the

What I have done in my relationship is this:  think about the positive
parts of your relationship.  Count them, and give them a value.  Then
do the same for the negative things.  If the positive points are
greater than the negative points, then hold on to the positive, and
trust that some of the negative points will one day be resolved.
Subject: Re: girlfriend with abandonment issues
From: mikomoro-ga on 27 Jul 2004 22:20 PDT
I am sure that your problem can be solved and that it is worth working on.

I have also been very impressed by the advice provided by the Sublime
One and the other commentators.

Do not give up hope and I sincerely hope that you can help your
partner to recognise you for what you are and not a manifestation of
her worst fears.

Good Luck!
Subject: Re: girlfriend with abandonment issues
From: donphiltrodt-ga on 28 Jul 2004 00:20 PDT
Thank you for caring enough about yourself and her to post your
question.  It's also great to see such caring responses.

Your loved one has the hallmarks of BPD.  (For the sake of clarity,
this comment will just assume she does -- but that's for clarity, not
reality.  :-)

THE run-away consensus on "The Book" for you is "Stop Walking on
Eggshells".  I can't describe how absolutely critical it was for me to
read this.  In the strongest possible terms, I recommend you buy a
copy.  No amount of web- and forum-surfing can come close to what
you'll learn from SWOE.  Trust me.  I've done both.

Here is a list of resources I collected when going thru what you are.

Abusive Relationships, characteristics, consequences and recovery stratagies.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderlines in Relationship
Laura Paxton M.A - BPD Recovery - Tools for Transformation
Online Support for Those with BPD
Personality Traits in Abusive Relationships
Book:Secret Survivors
Book:Stop Walking on Eggshells

Assuming she has BPD, extreme clarity is in order.  The romantic
assumption of "we can work it out" is totally counter-productive when
facing BPD.  If you do research into BPD, you'll discover what a
difficult hole it is to climb out of.  Insurmountable?...

...No, but only under one condition.  SHE has to be 120% persistently
committed to mending her heart and spotting (and changing) her habits.

Pardon my soapbox, but I wish somebody would've highlighted this for
me while *I* was researching...

What is your only proof that she's committed?  Her moment-by-moment
choices -- choices that constantly move her in a new direction.  Not
her words.  Not her feelings.  Not her promises.  Not her I'm sorrys
or her tears, but her actions.  Her daily, hourly, moment-by-moment

Without her being tenaciously, doggedly, obsessively, unwaveringly,
militaristically and, most importantly, VISIBLY committed to doing
whatever it takes to make those patterns a thing of the past, Things. 
Will.  Not.  Improve.  A good example:  If she's prone to conflict
when she hasn't eaten all day, will she be disciplined enough to plan
her eating?  Seriously, that's the commitment it's takes.  No doubt.

I say this with no exaggeration and affirmed by plenty of research
(not just my own experience).

One more resource: Tony Robbins Personal Power II.  The 30-day one. 
If there's reluctance because he has infomercials, get over it.  The
change that she needs to make is both very deep AND very broad,
requiring a whole new REALM of perceptions and practices.  TR's PP2
program totally surprised me: it offers step-by-step ways to build the
MANY healthy _habits_ her dysfunctional family never taught her -- as
well as how to neutralize the toxic habits she's developed.

Truly, you have my best wishes.
Subject: Re: girlfriend with abandonment issues
From: fj60-ga on 30 Jul 2004 16:59 PDT
I sincerely appreciate all the caring and helpful comments.  I've been
re-reading all the comments every day this week and letting the
insights sink in.  Thanks again!

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