Hello. My husband is 59 and does not show *any* negativity whatsoever
(it all comes out in road rage). Maybe I'm fortunate, but he never
whines or complains about anything (which doesn't seem normal to me).
He will not admit to it if I've angered him, offended him, made him
mad, or even made him feel annoyed. He stuffs every negative feeling
and thought, and it comes out in road rage. He has just completed an
Anger Management course at the V.A., and it seems to have helped his
road rage (i.e., makes him stop and think about it, and take
responsibility for it. He calls it "accountability"). In the course
they spent one day on Assertiveness Training and I thought oh boy,
maybe that will help him to express negativity, but it didn't. Please
don't lecture me on the road rage, as we have done a lot to help that.
What I need is some good sound psychological advice about how to
handle the fact that he will not show annoyance and stuffs it. I have
even tested him a few times and acted really mean to him to see what
he does. Nothing! He won't admit to it even bothering him. I did peek
at his Anger Mgmt homework and he checked a box saying he is afraid
people won't like him and he's afraid of offending. He doesn't seem
insecure in our relationship, but you'd think that he'd say
*something* when I was rude to him! Fortunately I'm not a controlling
or abusive person or I could really cut him down if I was evil. Some
background: his first wife of 26 years was very controlling and had
him "trained." Also, he is an Ex-Marine and he says he was trained to
"follow orders." Well I'm not about to give my husband orders but he
won't make a decision on his own, either. Like even where to go for
dinner. I have to make all decisions in the relationship and I'm
uncomfortable with this role. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THIS MAN more
than anything. He is kind, affectionate, innocent, and wonderful! I
refuse to take advantage of him. Oh and we have been married two years
this month. I just feel very insecure when he won't express any
negativity, and I've told him so but it doesn't help. Also, I've
called him "terminally polite" because he is so polite to people who
don't deserve it and he over-does it. I don't want to find a way to
*change* him, just a way to make our marriage more comfortable and
secure feeling for me. He is SO passive. Any good, sound, advice?
Thank you.

His learned behaviors (how to deal with controlling wife #1, following
orders as a Marine) served him well earlier in his life, when he had
to compensate to be able to live "happily" in those "abusive"
situations.  He needs to learn behavior that is appropriate for his
new, more healthy (i.e. married to you) circumstance, not only because
*you* want a healthy relationship, but for his own physical health as
well.  He needs to *get* that you won't "harm" him if he lets you know
when he is unhappy or dissatisfied. If he is amenable, a little
therapy should help him to recognize when he is having *negative"
feelings and how to express them in a non-threatening (to either o
fyou) way.  He's very fortunate to have you. Good luck.

Does he know you feel this way?  You could print out this page and
give it to him.  At least he would know how you feel.  He might get
angry, but that's good(?).  Does he have a bad temper?  Is the road
rage a sign of a greater repressed rage?  Does he have other fits of
anger?  Hit or break things?  Maybe he is trying to protect you from
that same bad temper that creates the road rage.

Also, and these are less likely, but did he see combat as a Marine? 
Gulf War?  Other violent traumatic experience?  How was anger
displayed between his parents during his childhood?

I wish you the best with your relationship.

>>He needs to *get* that you won't "harm" him if he lets you know
when he is unhappy or dissatisfied.<<

Yes, but in the 3 years we've been together, I've yet to find out how
to get him to feel secure enough to express disatisfaction.

Thank you both, for your comments! Yes, he saw combat in Vietnam. And
yes he has had a couple of rages, very few, in our marriage but that
is why he went to Anger Management. I am pretty sure his parents did
NOT express anger in any way at all. No he doesn't know I wrote this.
I don't want to embarrass him by showing it to him. He already knows I
feel this way, but I guess his fears of offending go too deep for me
to affect them. I have gotten him into marriage counseling, but it
isn't helpful because he won't admit any negativity in there either.
It must be hugely threatening for him to do so. I have a feeling his
mean 1st wife did a lot of this to him.

Maybe he has remnants of PTSD?  Emotional detachment could be his
defense mechanism that has gotten him through life ever since.
http://www.ncptsd.org/facts/general/fs_effects.html
http://www.ncptsd.org/facts/specific/fs_family.html

The PTSD is just an uneducated guess, something to bring up with a
licensed therapist.  The ex-wife and the parents seem like the other
two avenues of approach to this problem.

And regarding therapists, there are many of them.  If you are not
happy with you current results, you are free to see another.  Maybe
you could make him choose the counselor (any ex-marine counselors?) if
that would make it easier for him to open up.  If counseling is not
working, then something about it should be changed.  Once again, best
wishes.

Perhaps your husband has, or thinks he has, what I'd call a "digital"
temper--either on or off, no in between.  He may feel that he is
incapable of modulating his anger, and may have hurt others or his
relationships by letting the temper out at the wrong times in the
past.  If he is afraid of his own temper, he might avoid expressing
any anger because he may feel that once the lid is off, he will lose
control and cause irreparable damage.  I also don't think this problem
is rare among men.

I also wonder if, by testing him and trying (with good intentions) to
get him to deal with or correct this problem, you could be just adding
new things for him to stuff.  In that sense, you could be encouraging
him to continue stuffing.  The change you are seeking for him may be,
for now, just too big for him to handle.  He might indeed want to
change but still have too much fear of his temper, sort of a phobia. 
His other wonderful qualities sound like they justify plenty of
patience, and maybe even acceptance of this characteristic.

>> He may feel that he is
incapable of modulating his anger, and may have hurt others or his
relationships by letting the temper out at the wrong times in the
past.  If he is afraid of his own temper, he might avoid expressing
any anger because he may feel that once the lid is off, he will lose
control and cause irreparable damage.<<

Yes, that is very close to the few things he has expressed in therapy.
Also, today he told me he has a "deep seated fear of rejection." That
was pretty insightful for him!

You are right, it's better not to push him on this. I just need to
learn how to be secure without his disclosures!

Many "frames" may be placed about the same set of facts.  Your
husband, consciously or unconsciously, chooses to deal with his
frustrations and anger in such-and-such a manner.  You love your
husband (lucky guy!) but just want to help him change this one
"little" thing.

It's tough to know what's a good suggestion.  If your husband wants
your help to change, that's one thing; if he doesn't want to change or
even realize that there's a choice involved, it's quite another.

I think I'd start with the "simple" thing, getting him to
glimpse/recognize for himself that there is a choice involved.  The
insight that a person has for himself is worth ten times what others
see and articulate.  Ask him how he would feel about something (not
actualized).  Work your way up to asking about his feelings about
things real and present.  Be like the tiny stream that over the years
opens a path through the heart of the mountain.  And, be prepared to
find that your husband's choice has its own fair share of wisdom.

regards, mathtalk-ga

Many years ago, I was on high doses of steroids to treat an autoimmune
condition. One unfortunate side effect of long-term steroid use is a
tendency toward irrational, impulsive rage.

Quite by accident, I discovered the therapeutic power of breadmaking.
Kneading and pummeling bread dough is a marvelous outlet for the
bodily expression of rage. If it hadn't been for the bread, I probably
would have bopped somebody eventually. As it was, I managed to keep
myself under control, with the added benefit of producing something
useful, healthful, and delicious.

Is he happy?  If he is, then please leave him alone.  I read your
letter.  And if I was him, I'd be the same way. Why, your letter went
on and on and on, and if your "talks" are anything like that letter
--- then I'd rather have pins pushed into my eyes then have to go
though that.

I'm sorry, maybe it's not like that.  If your unhappy, he can not make
you happy.  He is not a "girlie boy" he is a real man, not some
feminized male.  And, trust me on this, if you can turn him into this
"feminized man" of your dreams, all touchy feely, you will not like
him.

You want him to talk about his feelings???  What feelings?  He may not
think about feelings.  It may be a total waste of time to him.

I know so many men that are this way.  Ever talk to a Cop?  Ever talk
to a Fireman?

You might think of your marriage as a balacing act.  You have to many
feelings and he doesn't have enough - Sound like balance to me.

Just love the guy, he is doing the best he can.