If you are really good at writing, english, and have a big imagination
please read on.

I want to see how an expert or someone that knows alot about writing,
would write this as a final draft compared to a novice.

When I read it I thought it was ok but still lacking...I want to see
how an professional would rewrite it.



So basiclly I need someone to rewrite this descriptive paragraph how
they (you) would write it. Just take the details and rewrite any
sentences and replace them with
how you would write them. You could, if you like, completly rewrite it
and rearrange anything you want. Just imagine the place. You can add
any imaginary details that you like as long as they fit in the
paragraph and remove any you do not see as fit. Think of it as
your first rough draft and you are writing the final draft. 


Details:
Its a paragraph and not a essay so its needs to be in that format. The
topic is excitement...so the paragraph needs to express that and not
have any sentences that destract from that. It's fiction so anything
goes.



I am not picky and I have never rated anyone with less then the max
stars, I will however tip more or less depending on the answer.


Here is the text:

The Party
	
The house is full of excitement as the weekend party is in full swing.
The place is packed. The driveway and the entire street are lined with
cars. You can hear the sounds of people opening and slamming their
doors shut, engines starting and shutting down, people walking to the
house, and others talking out by their cars. As I knock on the door, I
can feel the vibration from the bass inside. When the door opens, the
techno music flows out to my ears and I know it?s going to be a good
night. Sara, the hostess, invites me in and gives me a quick tour of
her house. She leads me through a smoky hallway to the kitchen; where
some people are munching on pizza, smoking, talking, and playing
games. The kitchen table is full of cards and poker chips and the only
thing missing are the poker faces, as everyone laughs whenever he has
a good hand. Near the table is a desk with a computer stereo, where
RJ, who
happens to be a DJ, is entertaining a group of people by rapping to
the free-style music that?s playing. As I leave the room, I can still
hear the people gathered around him shouting, ?Hell yeah,? ?That?s
awesome,? and ?You have to hear this.? The living room too is jumping
with activity. The lights are dim and a 60?s style ballroom light is
hanging from the ceiling, flashing colors of red, blue, yellow, green
and white all over the room. Like most of the house, this room is also
full of people. Some are dancing, and others are on the couch,
laughing at the guy doing the robot dance in the center. The last room
I visit, before Sara has to go open the door, is the inside pool,
occupied by a bunch of fully dressed and half-naked people tossing a
beach ball back and forth and diving into the pool. Everyone at the
party seems to be having a good time because most of them stay until
3:00 am when the hostess decides to call it a night. I?m glad I came
to the party.  It?s fun, exciting, and I am looking forward to the
next time Sara hosts a party.





Thanks for your help. I need this by tommorow 8/16/2004 as I will not
have internet access at that time (moving to a new house) and would
like it by
today if possible.

Hello jackdurden,

Here's a notated copy of your original and a revised copy beneath it. 
I tried to keep the core elements about the party while juicing the
paragraphs with some descriptive touches.  Let me know if what you
think.

The Party (notated copy)

The house is full of excitement as the weekend party is in full swing.
The place is packed; the driveway and the entire street is are lined
[up<==omit] with cars. You can hear the sounds of people opening and
slamming their doors shut, engines starting and shutting down, and
people walking to the house, while others are out by their cars
talking. <==This sounds like the cars are talking.  I'd put your verb
closer to your subject "...while others are talking out by their
cars."
 
As I knock on the door, I can feel the vibration from the bass
[vibrating from the base] that?s coming from inside the house. When
the door opens the techno music flows to my ears and I know it?s going
to be a good night.  Sara, our host, [(the host)] <== Parenthetical
information is distracting to the reader, so I'd make this an
appositive phrase set off with commas. invites me in and gives me a
quick tour of her house. She leads me through a smoky hallway leading
to the source of the smoke -- the kitchen -- where some people are
munching on pizza, smoking, talking, and playing games.
 
The kitchen table is full of cards and poker chips and the only thing
missing is their poker face [only things missing at the table are
their poker faces], as someone laughs whenever they have a good hand.
Near the table is a desk with a computer stereo where RJ (who happens
to be a DJ   [This seems too vague.  I'd want something a tad more
description... RJ, a DJ from a local club *or* RJ, a wannabe DJ] is
entertaining a group of people by rapping to the freestyle
[free-style] music that?s playing <== A bit of a run-on sentence.  I'd
start a new here]  As I leave the room, I can still hear the people
that are gathered around him shouting: ?Hell yeah,? ?That?s awesome,?
?You have to hear this.? <== dialog is a little stilted.
 
The living room is jumping with activity.  The lights are dim and a
60?s ballroom light is hanging from the ceiling, flashing colors of
red, blue, yellow, green and white light all over the room. [This
sounds a bit incongruous to the decade.  I wonder if you'd want this
to be a 70's disco light ball?  The 60's had a more black light or
lava lamp feel.]  Like most of the house, this room is full of people;
some are dancing and others are on the couch, laughing at the guy
doing the robot dane on the makeshift dance floor. [are laughing on
the couch at the guy doing the robot dance in the center.]
 
The last room I visit, before Sara has to go open the door, {Which
door?  I'd make that clearer for your reader}  is the inside pool that
is occupied by a bunch of fully dressed and half-naked people who are
tossing a beach ball back and forth and diving into the pool. Everyone
at the party seemed to be having a good time because most of them
stayed until 3 a.m. [3:00am] when the host decided to call it a night.
I?m glad I went to the party.  It was fun and exciting and I am
looking forward to the next time Sara hosts a party.

 
The Party (revision/rewrite)

The house is full of excitement as the local weekend party scene is in
full swing.  This sprawling ranch-style hacienda with its circular
drive isn't usually one of my regular party stops.  It belongs to my
dad's boss whose daughter is in my French class and I promised him I'd
check it out.

I'm a good son.

The place is packed; the driveway and the entire street are lined with
cars, their hoods still glistening with engine condensation.  You can
hear the creaking and metallic sounds of the partiers opening and
slamming their car doors, engines revving up and shutting down, and
people walking to the house.  Other folks are content to linger ouside
chatting each other up under the stars of a crisp October night.
 
As I knock on the door, I can feel the vibration from the pounding
bass coming from inside the house. When the door opens, the
four-on-the-floor techno beat resonates in my ears and I get a hint
this might be the start of a rockin' good evening after all.

Sara, our pixie-faced hostess with China doll bangs, invites me in and
gives me a quick tour of her party digs. She leads me through a smoky
hallway leading to the source of the smoke, an expansive, open-air
kitchen crammed with activity.  A 20-something crowd is munching on
veggie pizza, smoking, schmoozing, and playing Simpsons Ultimate
Trivia in one corner and Texas Hold'em poker in the other.
 
The picnic-style kitchen table is strewn with cards and poker chips
and the only thing that seems to be missing is a poker face on the
participants, as everyone cracks up whenever they're dealt a remotely
decent hand.  Near the table is a old-fashioned roll-top desk equipped
with a high-end computer stereo where RJ, a DJ wannabe, is doing an
improv rap to the freestyle music on the speakers.  As I leave the
room, I can hear his entourage shouting: ?Hell yeah,? ?RJ, you're the
man? ?C'mere, ya gotta hear this!?
 
We escape to the living room is jumping with life.  The lights are dim
except for a 70's disco ball hanging overhead cascading blue, yellow,
green and white light across the revelers' faces.  Like most of the
house, this room is full of bodies in motion.  Some are dancing and
others on the couch are convulsed in laughter watching a moron doing
the robot dance in his tightie-whities.  Sara and I share a snicker at
this lunatic's odd "Risky Business" moment.
 
Before dashing off to greet another guest, Sara ushers me toward the
last stop on the house tour.  It's a vaporous inside pool area where a
raucous bunch of fully dressed and half-naked people are tossing a
beach ball back and forth and diving into the pool -- some still
firmly planted in their cowboy boots.  Everyone at the party seemed to
have a good time but Sara had to pull the plug on at least 15 drunken
stragglers at 3 a.m.
 
I?m really glad I went to Sara's party.  I wasn't expecting to stay
long but I ended up being one of the last to leave, a bit water-logged
and deafened from the adventure but howling for a repeat invitation.

Dad will be surprised.  Hey, so was I!   Life is full of 'happy
accidents' and the occasional lone cowboy boot floating in a swimming
pool.

---

Request for Answer Clarification by jackdurden-ga on 15 Sep 2004 19:34 PDT

Hi, thanks alot...just want I was looking for! Could you suggest a
title for the paragraph? "The Party" seems to be dull...if you can
think of anything else please let me know.

---

Clarification of Answer by voila-ga on 15 Sep 2004 21:28 PDT

Sure, you bet.  Try these on:

Party Favors 
Lost and Found
October Surprise
Pocket Rockets and Calvin Kleins
Cowboys in the Drink
Unusual Suspects
Aces on Sweetwater Lane
3 a.m. Checkout
Ungraceful Comportment
Defervescing Disco Fever

Glad to be of assistance,
The *V*elvet Glove

Very Good!!! Thanks Alot!!

Hi Jack,

Thanks for the stars and the tip.  I hope the writing sample was
helpful.  You had some promising key elements as a basis, but the
sights and sounds just needed a bit more fleshing out.  Never be
afraid to trot out those adjectives and describe the scene to your
readers.

It's also helpful to read your draft aloud.  You can train your ear
for any repetitious sounds in your narrative  For instance, I'd change
the DJ's name to "Dax" as the j-sound ending is too similiar in both
RJ and DJ.

********
Re-edit:

The picnic-style kitchen table is strewn with damp cards and stale
poker chips.  The only element missing from the game is a stone-cold
poker face on the participants, as everyone cracks up whenever they're
dealt a remotely decent hand.  Near the table is an old-fashioned
roll-top desk equipped with a high-end computer stereo where Dax, a DJ
wannabe, is staccato rapping to freestyle music on the speakers. As I
leave the room, I can hear his entourage shouting: ?Hell yeah,? ?Dax,
you're the man,? ?C'mere, ya gotta hear this!?

We escape Rap Central to the sunken living room that's jumping with life.  

********
There's also a bit of an abruption between the pool scene and the
party ending, but I was worrried your assignment may have a word
limit.  You might want to insert a few sentences about your character
joining in the pool scene, then start a new paragraph with "Everyone
seemed to have a good time ...."

I hope this direction gave you some solid ideas where to punch up the
copy for a rewrite.   Best of luck with your future projects and
thanks for bringing your question to our answer team.

*V*

Hi, I just wanted to say thanks again! If you have time, I would
really like for you to help me on this one:
https://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=405557
Thanks again for your help either way.

Hi, nvm, I forgot to put "For voila-ga only" on the above thread so it
was answered. But thanks again.

Hey, jackdurden.  Never a good idea to direct a question to me.  I'm
your basic GA vag -- around sometimes mid-week and weekends but
nothing approaching regularity.

It would be cringe-worthy if someone waited on an answer from me when
we have so many fine writer-researchers in the GA stable.  In fact,
it's almost impossible to do this job -without- being a wordsmith of
sorts so you're in very capable hands.  It's also enlightening to
elicit a variety of writing samples since we all have own unique,
wild-and-wooly styles.  I encourage you to leave your question open
for the 'happy accident' that naturally occurs around the GA
experience.  I appreciate your thinking of me though.

Backatcha with a program about creativity and the writing process if
you're interested (w/bonus pronunciation of Seņor Flow's name):
http://www.researchchannel.org/program/displayevent.asp?rid=2295

Ta-ta, jackdurden, and good luck on the re-write,
(the Dutch elm disease/Marcel Luske-ness of *V*)