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Q: Can he be had? ( No Answer,   9 Comments )
Subject: Can he be had?
Category: Relationships and Society > Romance
Asked by: macromicromini-ga
List Price: $76.99
Posted: 24 Oct 2004 11:13 PDT
Expires: 09 Jun 2005 18:04 PDT
Question ID: 419367
How do I get the boy? I have been in love with this boy (now man) for
about 10 years. We have dated a few times over the course of this
period, but if I want to stay in contact with him, I know that I must
call/e-mail him (although he will always call/e-mail me back, in
time). I don't know what he is like with other women but he is not a
shy, introverted or submissive person.

However, there is basically a 100% probability that he will never
initiate contact. Is there any way I can use this absolute certainty
that I will always have to initiate contact without being
overaggressive (and undesirable)?

I want to utilize this absolute certainty. Is there a way? Or is this
also an absolute certain indication that he is "not that into me"?

Clarification of Question by macromicromini-ga on 24 Oct 2004 12:08 PDT
Unfortunately no intermediary is available. We share no mutual
friends, business contacts, etc.
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: omnivorous-ga on 24 Oct 2004 11:44 PDT
Use an intermediary.  Someone who can let your interest be known.
Someone who can provide a feedback loop.

It will also be helpful to reduce the uncertainty.

Best regards,

Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: jack_of_few_trades-ga on 26 Oct 2004 07:40 PDT
If he simply isn't interested then there is nothing to be done.  He's
had a long time to figure out his feelings and it sounds to me that he
is making them clear by not initiating contact.

I of course am not him and don't even know him so I can't be certain. 
I suggest that if you believe there might be some spark in him that
burns for you then you should flat out tell him everything you're
feeling and tell him that you need to move on either with or without
him (which you really need to do after 10 years).  Lay it all on the
line and if it doesn't work out you can finally put him in your past.
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: consigliere-ga on 27 Oct 2004 16:15 PDT
Your answer is within your question. He never initiates contact. You
have already dated on and off. He is not shy, introverted or
submissive. You are afraid of being "overagressive" and hence

Hold on, I'm going to be direct here. Exactly *how* long do you want
to give him? If you have to do so much work at this stage, how much
work will you have to do even if you get closer? Even platonic friends
are a bit more responsive than he seems to be. From your name, I feel
that you have wit and sense. Don't waste them on what you can't get.
Real relationships have to be two-way at some early stage. Maybe there
is another reason why you are aiming at the unattainable.

Also, what's going on in his head? He appears,
cold/disinterested/distracted or frightened to come clean to you. He
could even be overwhelmed by you, but I seriously doubt that. More
likely he is more interested in others, or emotionally stunted. I'm

Back to your question.... I think somewhere in your head you absolute certain indication that he is "not that into you".
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: krobar21-ga on 08 Nov 2004 21:25 PST
What happened to ten years ago?  Tell him.  Men do not have ESP. I
know that with absolute certainty.
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: dkorngold-ga on 19 Nov 2004 11:23 PST
What's teh problem initiate contact woo him and get your man. this is
the 21st century you don't have to wait for him to call
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: ferdelance-ga on 27 Nov 2004 07:12 PST
Try this; "I love you. I've loved you for over 10 years. I'm at the
point that I would really like to know if I'm wasting my time trying
to escalate our relationship or is it possible that you may have been
as hesitant as I in declaring this desire?" I've found (the extreme
hard way)that honesty is always what you're left with when you run out
of rationalizations and excuses.Better to know for sure if he's a
friend or a lover now. Don't wait until it's too late. Besides don't
friends love each other? Reclassify instead of shred or delete.Try it.
You can't lose what you don't have.And I personally deeply regret not
telling my lover that I loved her for so long. What a waste as what I
found with my declaration was happiness and fulfillment of my deepest
longings and hopes. And all because of three words.Good luck. Just
remember it's only hard because you make it that way. You'll
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: brijmohun-ga on 29 Nov 2004 18:31 PST
There are 2 thing you can do: -

1.) Do nothing
You will basically remain exactly where you are and if you are happy
to live in the uncertainty. I suggest the only reason you would do
this is because of a fear of unrequited 'love'.

2.) Tell him that you enjoy communicating with him and if he has time,
you would like to spend a lot more quality time doing any activity.
If his emotions are a relection of your own then he'll agree. If not
he will tell you that he is pressed for time.

What ever you do make sure you give him the opportunity to decline
(i.e. "if he has time") or escape your requests. In the 'Art of War',
which love very much is, you never corner your enemy, unless you are
100% sure that that you can not lose.
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: macromicromini-ga on 29 Nov 2004 22:27 PST
Thank you for all of your comments. I think I have started to
accommodate the necessary information.

I am most drawn to the comments of brijmohun-ga because they address
my question truly in the style I was looking for (all possible
options) and I think I am used to this more systematic approach, but
there is a degree of truth in all of the comments here.

To some extent this person I am interested in is
"cold/disinterested/distracted" and I have realized that this, in
combination with other traits that have led to this impasse, is why I
must of course "move on."

Interestingly, posting this question and receiving your comments, even
though I did not get my hoped for "google answer," has helped me to
move through this stubborn point in my set of romantic neuroses and I
have finally been able to accept to a certain extent that "there is
nothing to be done" and strangely I'm not overly upset about that.

Upon the recommendation of a few of the comments here, I did have a
'final' conversation recently with this guy (I called), I offerred the
possibiltiy of making plans (with an escape option), and through the
course of the talk, it became clear that some part of me is not
interested in the challenges of "impossibilty" that this relationship
I think I will probably still feel some love for him, but the "war" is
over (a very "cold war"), and I hope this allows me to be more open to
more conquerable (?)--I promise I don't think of relationships as
forcefully and violently as it sounds here, I'm just awkwardly
continuing the metaphor-- endeavors.

Thanks again merry Google Answers community. O, that I move on quickly
from this and have advice to give you some day. And perhaps I will
also soon have a question that is "answerable" by professional
Subject: Re: Can he be had?
From: helpfulharry-ga on 10 Dec 2004 16:30 PST
There is this great book you should read that may help you with some
of your questions. It is written by a guy who used to be single but
then found the true love of his life. It is question and answer format
and addresses several different situations where women question what
the man is thinking about her or their relationship. It is an easy
read, very direct and yet surprisingly uplifting book. It also says
you are beautiful and tells you how to know when to move on if your
man is just not that into you. He explains it is a way I suppose most
of us never think about. But I think that is because he is looking at
it through the eyes of a man.

The title is "He's just not that into you." It is written by Greg Behrendt. 

Please get a copy and read it soon. It will give you peace.

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