I am preparing a speach for this evening, and I need one powerful
anecdote that illustrates the damage cause by critism. The basic theme
is that we human beings think that we are completly logical, we act as
if we didn't have emotions, and so I say things to others not even
being aware of the damage that I bring. Particularly when it comes to
criticizing, it seems to come so naturaly to us, and its effect is so
damaging. I need one clincher story that show the damage caused by
critisim (and potentialy, the power of praise)  The bigger the effect
the better

---

Clarification of Question by barryba-ga on 04 Nov 2004 10:30 PST

Dear Neutral,

I appreciate your sharing your personal experiences with me, and I
certanly wish you only the best. One observation that might be worth
addressing. It seems clear that your wife is unhappy, whether that
unhappiness surfaces at you or the world in general would help clarify
the source of her unhappiness. If she is generaly an easy going person
with the exception of you than clearly you are dealing with one sort
of issue. If on the other hand she is generaly irratable and difficult
to deal with then clearly it is her problem, that is plauging you.
From involvement with people in similar situations, I am aware that
depression can surface in such behaviours, and I have had expereince
with one woman who demonstrated similar behaviours, who once on an
anti-depressant show marked improvements. (of course even if this is
the exact situation that you are expereincing, in her mind the problem
is you, and the world and every one but her, so getting her to
consider therapy is unlikely)

I wish you all the best

Barry --

Science and business are rife with stories about projects delayed or
blocked.  I once knew a team of engineers at Rockwell's Admiral
television operation.  They went to senior management with a proposal
to build a personal computer in early 1976.  It was shot down: "Who
would write software for it?  Who would buy it?  Who would fix it? 
What in the world would people use it for?  Why don't you guys go back
figure out a way to lower the cost of TV sets?"  The 3 engineers
eventually started a very successful video game firm.

Anyway, try this tale:  In 1899, when Henry Ford told his boss at
Detroit Edison, Alexander Dow, that he was leaving the electric
utility to start an automobile manufacturing fim, Dow tried to
convince him not to, saying "Electricity yes.  That's the coming
thing.  But gas -- no."

But Ford had been tinkering with gasoline engines since 1891,
sometimes assembling them on the kitchen table.  And according to
David Halberstam in "The Reckoning," his commitment to motor vehicles
was assured after he sketched out his ideas to Thomas Edison, who he
met at a convention.

"Young man, that's the thing!  You have it -- the self-contained unit
carrying its own fuel with it!  Keep at it!" Edison said.  Halberstam
continues: 'That was all the encouragement he needed, particularly
since it came from the great Edison.'

The irony is that Ford himself was single-minded and cantankerous.  It
was he who ignored the competition in the car business as Chevrolet
started to gain on Ford.  In 1921 he told dealers who were seeking a
simple change in the Model T -- colored paint -- "You can have them
any color you want boys, as long as they're black."  By 1927 Ford had
to shut down production of the Model T for retooling, bringing in the
Model A.

Best regards,

Omnivorous-GA

OK Barry ...

Not Henry Ford for sure (he just got there first) but here's what happened to me:

I was born in the UK and in my early career I worked for several
British companies. And without exception the senior management were SO
negative. I could see so many things that needed fixing but I was
always thwarted by the men at the top who were happy with the way
things were. As a consquence, I had to ARGUE to get any of my ideas
accepted. It was truly painful and very de-motivating.

Then I went to work for a Canadian company. I shortly presented the
boss with an idea and he was electrified. 'Wow!' he said, 'That's a
great idea ....

How soon can you do it?'

I was bowled over. I was expecting a load of negative stuff but
instead I got  nothing but praise and encouragement!

That was a very important lesson for me because it made me appreciate
the importance of appreciation.

Now, back to designing something really important.

Those are excellent examples from business--may I offer one from a
personal perspective?  My wife is extremely critical of me.  Thank
heavens I was raised in an exceptionally loving and supportive home
with goodly parents so that I have an abundance of self-esteem;
otherwise I would have not survived the relationship.  I am sure you
are asking, "Why stay married to her?"  It's because of my sense of
obligation and commitment and the fact we have a young son.  I believe
in a father's obligation and do not lightly shrink from that
commitment.  Thus, since there is no physical abuse involved, I have
elected to stick it out.  Query why she does not leave me if I am so
unpalatable . . .

But as for examples:  she criticizes me for not having any hobbies,
for the way I fold the laundry, for the way I put the dishes away
after I wash them (and for the way I wash them to begin with), for the
way I drive (too fast, too slow, wrong lane . . .), for the way I
sleep (I breathe too loudly and I turn over too aggressively), for my
inability to be proactive (she needs a "take-charge man"), for the way
I fail to discipline our child (or if I do attempt discipline for
being too harsh or too soft, as the mood may strike her), for asking
"stupid" questions and for interrupting her when she is in the middle
of a task, for not asking questions the right way, for being passive,
for not listening, for making every task harder than it must be, for
having no friends, for eating too much, for not looking around for
ways to help with household chores and for forcing her to point out
tasks that need to be done, for walking on eggshells all the time.  On
those few occasions I have attempted a hobby so that I am not always
underfoot or hanging around bugging her, those hobbies have been
ridiculed as stupid or silly or wasteful.  A counselor one time
suggested anger management classes to her, and she very skillfully
turned it around (after the session) so that it was my fault for
making her angry!  Brilliant!  And she is very subtle, never
criticizing me when we are around other people.  It creates a
fascinating irony--she will be holding my hand and calling me "hon"
when we are out in a group, but as soon as we get back in the car, it
begins again: "I noticed you had a second dessert; why didn't you
speak to Herman and Ruth?; you're always such a loner!"  And so it
goes, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Oddly enough, I never criticize her.  I try to live by the Golden
Rule, hoping that she will mirror some of my positive comments and
acknowledgements (?Congratulations!  Well done!  Good job!  Thanks for
doing that!  You look great tonight!  I love you!?), but no.  There
was one time where I brought home a dozen roses to congratulate her on
a personal accomplishment, and two minutes after I gave her the roses
she was mad at me because I emptied the trash can while she was using
it to discard dead parts of the rose stems!  And when she gets mad,
she stays mad.  The trash can incident bought me several hours of cold
shoulder.

You may ask, "Why are you such a wimp?  Get a backbone and stand up to
her!"  I do, in each instance, in my own way, stand up for myself.  I
do not shout or become violent, but I do calmly and rationally explain
my behavior (there is no timorous, milquetoast behavior on my part, I
can assure you), to which she invariably says, "You always have an
excuse.?  There is never a compromise position.  If I instead choose
to simply agree and apologize, she says, "I am tired of your
apologies.  Just do it right and we won't have these problems."  Isn't
that masterful?  She gets me coming and going.   I admit, I do admire
the sheer brilliance of it.

The funny thing is, from an outsider's perspective, we have it made. 
A beautiful, clean home, no debt, a large annual income, a smart,
well-adjusted athletic child.  Although I am not suicidal nor do I
suffer from suicidal ideations, I cannot help but compare my situation
to that of Richard Cory in that famous poem by Edward Arlington
Robinson (see http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/robinson/12644).

You asked specifically about the consequences of constant criticism. 
Let me list a few, in no particular order: my sleep is interrupted, my
concentration suffers, my gums bleed, I eat too much junk food, I am
lethargic and find no pleasure in any activity, I am often sad, and I
dread going home from work since I know that my only greeting will be
a barrage of criticism (yes, I know, all classic symptoms of stress
and depression).  I stress out over even the most simple tasks if it
perhaps involves having to ask her a question since I know the answer,
if I get one, will be punctuated by a roll of the eyes and a big sigh
that says, "Must I do everything myself?"  But I am a man of faith and
I believe in God--I draw strength from prayer, and I believe God will
strengthen me through this so that I may raise our son.

Our son is not exposed to a contentious environment and is happy and
well-adjusted--I truly believe he would suffer more from divorce than
he does by the fact I seem occasionally sad or stressed out.  In any
event, I am willing to pay that price.  Plus, I am an excellent actor
and can easily maintain this ruse as long as needed.

I have read all the literature and talked to various experts and know
I am the victim of emotional abuse,  but I am fresh out of ideas,
other than simply coping.  I hope this little personal example
provides you with some information on the negative effects of
criticism.

neutralobserver-ga's comments remind me that I was always getting into
trouble with my late wife.

She had a habit of talking to herself and therefore I never knew
whether she was talking to me or not.

Sometimes I would ask 'What did you say?' and she would snap at me by
explaining that she was only talking to herself.

At other times, she would snap at me for 'Not listening'.

Ah well, she had many excellent qualities to compensate and I consider
myself blessed by having her as a partner. Would do it all again but
next time I would probably pretend to be deaf.

After all, nobody's perfect.

Hi Barry and Neutral,

Barry .. Too late I know, as your speech is over. But what anecdote
did you use in your speech? Also, is it OK with you if we further your
question to Neutral's benefit?

Neutral .. sounds like you are wanting to talk with someone. How did
you feel after getting your words out to us unknowns? Did it make you
feel better? Have you considered writing to your wife? Sure, under the
same roof, but if you expressed your thoughts to her in a way she
would not expect, might that make her take notice? Not sure that I
would duplicate what you have published here to her, but perhaps in a
positive way. If she does not respond, don't you think that there may
be an underlying reason for her actions if what you say is correct?
With due respect to women .. they are far smarter than us blokes.
Women tend to surround themselves with a support network. They too can
build an environment designed to make it look like it's your fault. If
you were pushed to taking action, as in leaving the situation, you
will forever be branded as "the one whom left". That makes you the
baddie in her eyes and to her support group. Yet from what you say,
you have so far stuck it out for the sake of your child. Should you
continue in a futile situation, eventually the pain of staying will
exceed the pain of leaving. Nature tends toward the least line of
resistance. Consider too your child's environment.

Just unlearned thoughts from experience here Neutral .. use your
fortitude and faith to seek the tools from someone learned, to create
a positive life for all three of you.

Phil