Hi Jack,
Actually, you?ve done a pretty good job here. Your thesis statement is
clear, your supporting paragraphs follow in good order, and your
conclusion wraps things up nicely. I like your use of detail, e.g. a
red Viper vs. a stock black Corolla, and examples of dialog. You also
give some pretty good advice!
But you?re wise to ask for some proofreading, which is a good idea for
anyone! There are a few minor errors in spelling, which I?ve
corrected. For your reference, those corrections are in brackets next
to the erroneously spelled ones, around which I?ve put parentheses.
I?ve also included some suggestions in brackets next to words that may
be technically correct, but are a little awkward.
Another problem you seem to have is a common one, i.e. the overuse of
some words like ?that? or ?then.? I?ve bracketed the places where I
feel you can eliminate them to make your piece a little smoother.
One other difficulty I see you having, also very common, is
continuity, especially with verb forms, throughout a sentence or
paragraph. Again, I?ve put in brackets the corrected verb form.
Always put punctuation, such as commas or periods, INside quote marks.
As for construction, one thing to pay attention to is long paragraphs.
Yes, your organization by thesis points is good, but sometimes, if a
paragraph runs on for a long time, it?s better to look for a logical
breaking point, and split it up. Makes your piece read a little
easier.
Also, you do have a slight tendency toward run-on sentences, and I?ve
broken them up, supplying appropriate capitalization and punctuation.
It?s usually better to write in short, succint sentences, rather than
long, unwieldy ones connected with a lot of commas or ands. But it
would have been too confusing I think to use the same bracketing
technique with the construction errors, so I just changed them. When
you compare the revision to the original, I?m pretty sure you?ll see
where they were, but if not, let me know, and I can retype it another
way.
Thanks for the chance to help you out with this. As I said, I think
over all you?ve done a fine job!
Best regards,
byrd-ga
=====================
ESSAY WITH REVISIONS
=====================
Chances are [that] you have gotten (or will get at one point) a
speeding ticket. Maybe you were late to work or school, or maybe you
didn?t see the speed limit sign. Whatever the (case) [cause], before
you (know) [knew] it, you (can) [could] see lights flashing from a
police car signaling you to pull over. No one wants to fork over their
weekly allowance or paycheck to pay a costly fine, so you might (want)
[be interested] to know [that] there are several steps you can take to
help avoid getting a speeding ticket: don?t drive a vehicle that
stands out; change the way you drive, and; if you do get pulled over,
know how to interact with the officer.
[Another way to handle this so as to clarify your list could be with numbers, e.g.:
No one wants to fork over their weekly allowance or paycheck to pay a
costly fine, so you might want [be interested] to know [that] there
are several steps you can take to help avoid getting a speeding
ticket: 1) don?t drive a vehicle that stands out; 2) change the way
you drive; and; 3) if you do get pulled over, know how to interact
with the officer.]
One way to avoid a speeding ticket is to drive a non-flashy
automobile. The car?s color, modifications, condition, cleanliness,
and stickers may get you some unwanted attention. Police usually
target sport cars. For example, a speeding red Dodge Viper with neon
lights (eliminating) [illuminating] the road is more likely to be
noticed then a black stock Toyota Corolla that blends (in to) [into]
the rest of the traffic. Make sure all your lights work. A broken tail
light or (turning) [turn] signal will be noticed and make your car
stand out. Do not have stickers on your car, such as ?Don?t pull me
over, I don?t have donuts,? as that will most likely offend the
officer. Instead buy a sticker that says ?I support the KC Police
Department.? The cleanliness of your car also makes a definite
impression (with) [on] the officer. Keep your vehicle clean, (interior
and exterior,) [inside and out]. The vehicle is a reflection of who
you are. Never have your vehicle in (the) [such] condition that it
looks like you need a ticket.
However, if your automobile can?t blend in, [then] you can still avoid
a ticket by changing the way you drive. Speeding in the fast lane is
sure to get you pulled over. You are better off in the slow lane as
most police target the faster lanes. Another tip is to follow truck
drivers, as they know where most of the speed traps are and are good
at spotting them a mile away. If you drive next to someone (that)
[who] is speeding, you can lower (the) [your] chance of getting pulled
over by fifty percent. Try to avoid speeding near the end of the month
as most officers have a quota system [that] they have to meet by the
end of the month.
If you do get pulled over. it is not over yet. You can still try to
plead your way out of the ticket. Always be polite to the officer.
Acting rude will only put the officer on defense and you[r] chances of
avoiding the ticket (are) [will be] slim to none. Always address the
officer as ?Officer,? never ?Pig,? ?Chopper,? or ?Dude.? Crying might
work for a teenage girl. Let those tears roll and the police officer
might have sympathy on you and let you go. If all else fails just
plead with the officer. Let (him or her) [him] know [that] you can?t
afford the ticket and you might be let off with a warning, or at least
a lower fine. Getting a ticket can be expensive and no one wants to
spend their money paying it off. It is much easier (to not put) [not
to put] yourself in a position to get one.
Driving a car that doesn?t catch the office?s attention, changing a
(couple of) [few] bad driving habits, and knowing how to interact with
the officer are steps that may help you avoid that dreaded ticket.
However, even with (theses)[these] tips, chances are, [that] if you
keep getting pulled over repeatedly, you will eventually get a ticket.
So the best method to prevent a speeding ticket is to stop speeding.
However, for the perpetually late, lead-footed types, it?s good to
know that there are a (couple) [few] ways to improve your odds of
avoiding a ticket. |
