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Q: Please help me ( No Answer,   13 Comments )
Subject: Please help me
Category: Relationships and Society > Romance
Asked by: brit_fan-ga
List Price: $50.00
Posted: 16 Nov 2004 20:13 PST
Expires: 16 Dec 2004 20:13 PST
Question ID: 429977
I'm so SICK of this pattern.  I've been in therapy since my divorce in
2001 and learned that I have HORRIBLE self-confidence.  I'm aware of
this now.  I met a LOVELY woman in 2002 and we've been through a lot
in our relationship.  I asked her to marry me about 4 months ago and
she said yes.  At that time I was realizing, she's WONDERFUL.  I don't
think I'll ever want a day without her again.  Now that's all gone. 
I'm having horribly serious doubts.  I wonder if therapy made it
harder for me because I overthink everything now.  Now I just am
obsessed with not thinking I'm not attracted to her enough.  I feel
extremely guilty about this because I'm definitely not perfect.  Ugh. 
I'm so sad and I should be happy.  She is a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL LOYAL
TRUSTWORTHY person and we enjoy a lot of the same things.  I
desperately feel like I need someone to just slap me (figuratively or
literally) and say, "She's SO good for you, don't mess this up!  Stay
with her."  I see SO many pretty women all over the place and my
stupidly obsessive reaction is to think, well, if she's as good and
kind as my fiancee AND so good looking, I'd be much happier.  It's an
instant reaction and it's driving me mad.

I've had a couple drinks right now, so sorry if I've come off too
strongly, but this is the gist of the whole thing.  I've found a woman
who is pure of heart, similar in values and likes/dislikes to me, we
have fun, yet I'm unsatisfied.  I have horrible self-confidence, but
I've been working on it.  The more confident I get, the more I want
other women.  I don't want to want other women, I want to want my

Does this sound like the rantings of a jerk, lunatic, creep?  I don't
want to let her go because she's so wonderful, but I feel selfish like
I'm really having bad feelings about her, but she should have someone
who appreciates her better than I do.

Help me please!!!! I'm sorry for being a jerk, but I so much need
help.  This is my last resort before I have to confront her with this
and I have NO idea how to do this without hurting her.  Hurting her is
the LAST thing I want to do.  PLEASE HELP!  I'm a decent guy and help
people and now I'm reaching out to humanity to help me JUST THIS
ONCE!!!!  I'm going crazy with this roller coaster of love and then

Thank you SO much for your honest opinion.  I hope I don't look like a lunatic.
There is no answer at this time.

Subject: Re: Please help me
From: daytrader_7__6-ga on 16 Nov 2004 20:37 PST
The grass is always greener on the other side.  You know that one. 
There will always be other women who are more attractive, physically
and otherwise.

More importantly, the only one in the world who defines what you are
is you, not a trophy wife.  Those "beautiful women" often come with
their own special set of problems that begin to outweigh the hotness
factor pretty quickly.  Everyone wants what they don't have.

So shut up and get married.  Never tell her these things.  Do not
bookmark this page where she may find it, and be sure to erase it from
your browser history.  If she finds out, it will hurt her, and you
will regret it.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

-Max Ehrmann, "Desiderata"

Genesis 2:18
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone...
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: brit_fan-ga on 16 Nov 2004 21:48 PST
Thank you very much daytrader.  I will do my best.  I think I let
those "false" emotions take over and have to control them better.  I
very much understand what you said about the only one in the world who
defines who I am!  In struggling with this idiocy, I've thought that
to myself!

Thank you.
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: steph53-ga on 17 Nov 2004 05:38 PST

I have to strongly disagree with daytrader....

It seems that you have some valid doubts about your relationship and
impending marriage. You don't say how old you are but I gather that,
since this will be your second marriage, you are not a *youngster*.

IMHO, its not the "pretty" women that are distracting you, but rather,
your own deep concerns about this relationship and your self esteem.

Please do NOT get married at this time. It would not be fair to 
yourself and your fiancee if you went ahead with the marriage when you
have so many conflicting emotions. Take some time out for yourself to
find what you really want and need. There is never any need to rush
into a marriage.....

I too have been separated since 2001, and although I'm in a wonderful
relationship at this time, I don't feel anywhere near ready to commit
to another marriage.

Subject: Re: Please help me
From: waterway-ga on 17 Nov 2004 09:13 PST
You are lucky to have her and she is the best thing for you and you
are the best thing for her at the moment, and if you always rember how
lucky you are to get the girl you want you will (continue making her
happy) which lots of people including myself dont get.

Also can i ask you a question how did you get the girl you want did
you ask her out or vice versa, if you were really good friends how did
you become friends with her.
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: dkorngold-ga on 19 Nov 2004 10:59 PST
Love is more about self control tahn anything else. If a woman is
worthy of love, then love her. Love her through thick and thin and
come hell or high water. The commitment is the key to love. Love
doesn't create a desire to commit
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: qna-ga on 19 Nov 2004 12:46 PST
"I just am *obsessed* with not thinking I'm not attracted to her enough."

" stupidly *obsessive* reaction is..."

"I *don't want to want* other women..."

Sounds to me, brit_fan, that you may be a victim of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Look it up. It just might change your life.
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: just4fun2-ga on 19 Nov 2004 12:52 PST
I think Daytrader hit a grandslam.  Pretty is easy. Lose a bunch
weight, put on some makeup, pushup bra and tight jeans.  But it's what
is under that is important.

Oh course you have doubts.  EVERY GUY HAS DOUBTS.  What is new about
that. It's the smart one that pick a wife they KNOW is good for them,
and beats down the doubts and marries her.

As to the therapy you're in:  It is their job to talk and talk about
ALL of your doubts and worries. To have you look at those doubts and
worries from every angle. Now therapy is a good thing, but if think to
much about something, you dwell to much on something, you only look at
the negative and how it relates to you, it can create it's own NEW SET
of problems - You might try this:

In therapy only talk about the good parts of this upcoming marriage.
Do not talk about your doubts. ONLY THE GOOD PARTS.  When you're asked
a question, only answer in the positive.  Try not to FEED your fear
(your doubts).

Good luck
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: pete405-ga on 20 Nov 2004 13:46 PST
I would recommend that you speak with a good marraige counselor, even
if you do not currently plan on getting married. I find that most
people have been misled by our culture about the nature of love. Speak
candidly with people who have been 'in love' for decades. When asked
what the nature of love is, their answers all amount to a complete
commitment to the wellbeing of another without losing sight of the
fact that their own wellbeing is an essential part of that commitment.
We must chose to love, and the choice must be remade daily.

Love is not a feeling, infatuation, or lust. Love is not a result of
happiness and joy, nor should it surrender to sadness, anger, anxiety,
fear, or despair.  It is not an abandonment of self. It is a
commitment to enter a lifelong partnership dedicated to the wellbeing
and improvement of both parties. Real love is unconditional. No matter
the trials and problems, it is a commitment to do what is necessary to
nurture the character of your partner and self.

Warning: Such a decision and commitment should not be based solely on
a fleeting emotion. It requires a careful study of self and the person
to whom it is being made. Most of us have been poorly trained and
equipped by our society to enter such a union.
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: ask_jack-ga on 28 Nov 2004 22:11 PST
Hey brit_fan,
What u r goin thru rit now, is something that i go thru all the time,
but u know How i deal with it.... i simply tell my Girl,*hey look that
girl's cute, isnt she?* And so does we dont keep our
feelings to ourselves, and therefore remain honest in our
relationship...afterall, adoring something worth not a
sin....its natural. Whats more important is how we deal with it...
takin the thing lightly and discussing it with ur partner is the best
bet...after all she also is human and must be feelin the same desires
as you... come on guys, accept it....we all feel that way....then why
hide it....Lets be honest to ourselves and each other....

Tell her that u really love her and also tell her the problem u r
facing, rather dont discuss this as a problem, as it is not a problem
at all... Just take the things lightly, tell her how u feel about her
and how u always look out for her when u see other women..... dont
make this a big ISSUE.

But stall ur marriage plans for sometime u r in great
doubt....spend some time with her and let her know how u feel...slowly
u ll feel u dont face a 'strange' situation anymore....give it some
time, dude...everything will be OK!!
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: brijmohun-ga on 29 Nov 2004 18:41 PST
Don't feel too bad. Exclusivity is the domain of marriage. Since you
don't want the exclusivity don't get married and tell her that you are
not ready for the engagement. It'll probably split the relationship
but it'll stop you from hurting her and causing an embarrassment to
the person you love the most.
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: alex101-ga on 01 Dec 2004 16:31 PST
More counseling.  You are obviously not ready to get married...not
because of anything having to do with her but because YOU aren't ready
yet.  It's not a crime.  Make peace with your issues, then you'll know
what to do.  Wants are nice but don't mess up her life while you
figure out yours.  Good luck.
Subject: Re: Please help me
From: emjay-ga on 02 Dec 2004 16:15 PST
Hi brit_fan,

I'm completely in agreement with qna - these thought patterns sound
very much like the intrusive thoughts characteristic of "pure
obsessive" obsessive-compulsive disorder. To give a personal example,
I struggled with these horrible thoughts for years - and they usually
concerned the things that meant the most to me. For example, I love my
parents very much and always have, but would have horrible, intrusive
images and thoughts about hurting them. To give another example, I
loved my then-boyfriend very much, but would become obsessed with the
thought that I was going to cheat on him or that I was gay. A "theme"
would generally burn itself out in a couple of weeks, only to be
forgotten and replaced by something else equally tormenting. In
retrospect it's obvious the thoughts were completely irrational, but
when you're in the grips of OCD they're totally convincing. As I tried
to go about my life the obsession always hovered in the back of my
mind, making me miserable. Like you, I experienced a tremendous amount
of guilt and shame for "feeling" such horrible things, when they
really weren't my thoughts and feelings at all and I never would have
acted on them.

Please consider seeking professional help - if you do in fact suffer
from OCD, it could make a world of difference for you!

Subject: Re: Please help me
From: jimbo40-ga on 12 Dec 2004 10:21 PST
Your comments regarding self confidence suggest a little confusion
concerning what it means to be self-confident (versus brash, or
arrogant, or ego-centric etc).

The following site may be of value :

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