I'm a lawyer and it often seems to me that people get divorced too
easily. I know, I know...you've been married 7 years, lived together
for 10, so you figure you know what's what. And there are good
reasons to get divorced sometimes. Abuse and Infidelity can be
biggies. Drug and gambling and other addictions can be good
candidates too. But I'm thinking, and it's only my business because
you brought it up, if you've put up with her for 17 years and had two
children with her, maybe the problems aren't so earthshakingly
enormous that you need to dissolve your family and get divorced.
Here's what you get with a divorce:
1. Devestated children who will have emotional issues about it until
the day they die. Their school grades will drop and their behavior
will reflect the upheaval in their lives. Your kids will never fully
recover. That's blunt but how it is. They will hopefully cope and go
on to lead happy, productive lives but they will be scarred for life.
2. You will probably lose at least half of your stuff and, given the
ages of your children, your wife may get to keep the house until
they're of age. Understand, it all depends on your specifics, so I'm
speaking in generalities, but it will cost you a ton. This can
include alimony paid to your wife (maybe but not real likely unless
she's not employed) and child support payments for your children.
Even though men in general tend to fair better financially post
divorce better than women in general, your finances will probably be
devasted as will your future earnings and you'll probably never fully
recover.
3. Legal fees unless you are already destitute, in which case you can
get a Legal Aid lawyer to help you figure out how much money the Court
will want you to pay even though you can't afford to. If you do have
a job, you'll probably pay about $150/hour for an "affordable" lawyer
with a minimum of maybe $5,000 or $10,000. However, the Court could
also make you pay your Wife's attorney's fees under some circumstances
and these estimates are really on the low side. Lot's of divorcing
people simply fight until the lawyers have taken all their money.
4. Depending upon the jurisdiction, you may get to discuss truly
personal matters in open Court.
5. You will probably get to visit your children every other weekend
and some weeks in the Summer. You'll miss lots of milestones and you
won't be there to help raise them much but...
6. Your wife will eventually find another man that your kids can call
"Dad" and he can sleep with your wife in your house, in your bed, walk
around in his underwear, and inappropriately discipline your children
even though it isn't his place to do that. If you have any spare
money, you can go back to Court to try to get your wife and him to
behave how you want even though they won't anyway no matter what the
Judge says.
7. As your income rises, your wife will take you back to Court to get
MORE child support and she almost ceryainly can.
8. Then, you can get a second wife who won't care much about your
kids, especially if she has kids of her own. She'll want it to be her
house, her stuff, her family, and your prior kids will be an
intrusion. If you have a woman already, then she will truly not care
about your kids since she would already have shown disregard for your
family and children by getting involved with a married man. It works
the same for your wife. If she has a guy, he is crap already. Why
should he change later...
Your wife will get from the divorce most of the same things except
she'll have much less money than she expects, far more responsibility
and burdens than she expects, and, if she doesn't already have some
crappy guy who doesn't care about helping break up a family, she'll
have a horrendous time finding one - especially with young kids. It
will be miserable.
To answer your specific questions:
1. Call your local Bar Association. They will have a lawyer referral
list. That's not as good as a personal recommendation, but it will
get you one.
2. Prepare ? I don't know your details and I don't need to. Unless
there is something earthshaking that has happened to destroy your
marriage, and maybe it has, you should talk with your wife, get
counseling if necessary, and avoid causing the life-altering turmoil
that you are considering. You'd be a fool not to. If there's no
hope, which is rare I think, then get all your papers in order and go
see a lawyer.
3. How long ? If you work everything out with your wife ahead of
time, maybe 6 months on the short side and YEARS on the long side -
all depending.
My wife, as you can probably tell, is a very patient, understanding
woman and it always comforts me to remember that, for us, marriage
does not just involve the two of us. Aside from our children,
marriage involves my wife, me, and God. Our marriage is a Sacrament,
a Covenant, and I have a greater obligation in marriage than that
which I have to my wife alone. But that's just me and we've been
married 12 years. People work out their own lives as best they can as
will you. I wish you well and I hope that you can avoid what you are
considering. |
