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Q: Erection problems ( Answered 5 out of 5 stars,   36 Comments )
Question  
Subject: Erection problems
Category: Health > Men's Health
Asked by: mariamvh-ga
List Price: $100.00
Posted: 04 Dec 2004 19:08 PST
Expires: 03 Jan 2005 19:08 PST
Question ID: 438210
I'm a 40 ish women, dating a new man. He works out and and is healthy.
We are very attracted to each other.  However, he never gets an
erection, now matter how much foreplay we have. Not even a slight
erection. The only way I've found to help him get an erection (thus
far) is oral sex. But, then he has a problem with premature
ejualation. He comes very quickly and he can't seem to control
himself. He has made comments that he has never "lasted" very long,
so I don't think this is a new problem or problems for him.  I want to
continue the realtionship, and possibly at some point,  encourage him
to see a doctor. (He was married before and has fathered children.) 
My question is: is it
possible that he is sleeping with many women, hence...he just can't
perform with me? I know he finds me very attractive and
he is very excited to see me, almost can't control himself. He works a
lot..so he does not really have the time to seem tons of women...
Answer  
Subject: Re: Erection problems
Answered By: cynthia-ga on 22 Dec 2004 11:26 PST
Rated:5 out of 5 stars
 
mariamvh,

I have recapped my all my comments from the ?Comment Section? below,
and added a lot more information for you, interspersed where relevant,
and corrected a few typos. Even though you have read a lot of it, you
will want to read this in its entirety.

I feel for you. I've been there too. The years I gave up were from age
38 to 44, right in the middle of my prime. What a shame. Frankly, one
of the only regrets in 47 years I can think of. In hindsight, like a
blind man, he catered to all my other senses, probably subconsciously,
in an effort to keep me and the non-physical intimacy I provided.  He
was virtually perfect in every other way.  To this day he has done
nothing about his problem, even though he has two visible soft lumps
at the top of his scrotum. It could be as simple as hernias. A visible
medical problem, something to blame it on, and in six years, he has
still not seen a Doctor.  In fact, I sent him this link in email while
this question was locked.  He called me after he read it.  I asked him
again if he had been to a Doctor.  No.  He said he couldn?t afford it,
and got mad at me.  We have been separated since February 2002.

This is the best advice I can give you:

Decide whether you want to deal with this problem... His failure to
see a Doctor, and lack of desire to do so, the loss of intimacy that
only sexual intercourse provides, researching the problem and being
met with no response, ongoing frustration, all because someone won't
take responsibility for his sexual health.

If I sound a bit bitter, well, I guess I am. I wasted six years of my
life. In the end, I decided I couldn't fix it alone, I needed his
cooperation. It never happened.

Your man is not seeing other women.  He wasn't having sex, at all.  He
has shut off that side of himself.  He can't deal with the stigma of
admitting the problem to a Doctor, asking for help, it's easier to
deny his sexuality.  The fact he is comfortable in that state says he
has accepted the condition.  If you can live a sexless marriage, go
for it, otherwise, I'd run like hell.

Before I Answer your specific questions, I?d like to pass along some links.

The Urology Channel - Erectile dysfunction
http://www.urologychannel.com/erectiledysfunction/index.shtml
There are several links listed at the top of the left column that will
give you specific information.

The Urology Channel - Ask An Expert  (Yes, Board Certified)
http://www.urologychannel.com/UrologyForum/mdquestion.shtml
Receive expert advice from a Doctor for a $25.00 fee.  Maybe you can
get your man to ask a Doctor online.  He will certainly tell him to GO
to a Doctor, but it can?t hurt to show it to him.

The Urology Forum
http://www.medhelp.org/perl6/Urology/wwwboard.html
A FREE Forum where you, or he may ask a Doctor about this problem,
again, diagnosis is impossible online, but it?s a start.  If a Doctor
online tells him to see a Doctor in person, and then he does not,
well?  you will have your answer.


The next links are specifically for YOU:

Support for partners of men with ED
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/supportedpartners/
Failure to see a Doctor is a major topic in this forum.

Tips For Curing Premature Ejaculation
http://www.askmen.com/love/drzimmer/14_love_answers.html
 

In the comments section below this Answer, you asked several
questions. Here are my Answers:

Q) Why would he show this side (no erection) of himself to me? Why
would he not seek help?

A) He shows this side of himself to you because he doesn't see it as
something really unusual.  Not bar talk, a bit lacking maybe, but not
a showstopper.  When he is alone, he is able to bring himself to an
erection accompanied by an impending, then immediate orgasm. In his
solitary experiences, this is not a problem for him, but simple
relief.  When he's alone, he never thinks that he is not hard enough,
or that he ejaculated too fast.  His desire, and passion are not
affected, only his performance, AS EXPERIENCED BY ANOTHER PERSON, in
this case, you.

Q) How can he not see his lack of erection and fast ejaculations as unusual? 

A) Look at it from this perspective.  He is a heterosexual man; he
sleeps with women, not men.  As women, we sometimes sleep with
different men.  We gain experience and eventually have enough
experience to compare one man to another, so in OUR experience --his
lack of erection and fast ejaculations are unusual.  To him, this only
happens when he shares his sexuality with a woman.  Remember, when he
is alone, it does not concern him.

Q) So in his self-centered world, it does not matter? 

A) He can't look at it as ALL THAT IMPORTANT, he NEEDS the denial to
be able to scrape together whatever male ego remains and appear normal
the rest of the time.  From your descriptions of him, he is happy and
successful in every other way.  Admitting the scope of the problem
would turn his life and psyche upside down.  He is maintaining, pure
and simple.

Q) He does desire me and shows that, but he is unconcerned that his
performance is not very good?

A) He knows women expect a firm erection and longer intercourse.  You
can tell by his comments.  If he were REALLY CONCERNED, he'd say he's
already made a doctor appointment and he's glad you came into his life
so he could quit procrastinating dealing with his situation. He's more
concerned about how you are reacting than the problem itself.  He is
trying to minimize it, hoping you will do the same. ..."Join me in my
DENIAL..."

Q) This is normal for him (assuming this has been part of his life for
a long time) and he has learned to live with it or without it in this
case?  I should just be lucky to be with him?

A) No. You're forgetting that when he's alone he does not experience
this as a problem.  It's only something to apologize about when having
sex with a woman. He knows you will probably decide to leave him,
...everyone else has.  You mentioned the first encounter was kind of
spontaneous, unplanned.  Think about that.  Most men are ALWAYS
looking to get laid by anything in a skirt.  He was not pursuing a
sexual encounter.  He is rejection shy.

Q) Why with me, as excited as he is, does he not make more of an
effort to get an erection?

A) He's doing the best he can.  This is where a Doctor comes in.  He
needs medical testing by a Board Certified Urologist that specializes
in E.D. (in every major city, usually covered by insurance), or at a
minimum, a Board Certified Urologist. He doesn't try harder because he
has never really bloomed sexually, he is repressed.

The physical symptoms you have described and not normal.  I think he
has some sort of chemical imbalance related to the male hormones, and
it may be accompanied by a physical condition.  There is some reason
why it takes so long to become firm.  It's related to blood flow going
into, and out of the penis. His penis is not retaining enough blood
during the excitement phase. He cannot correct it without being
thoroughly examined by a Doctor and cooperating with ONGOING
appointments and treatment.

You will also want to consider if this might possibly be a substance
abuse problem.  Long-term use of both cocaine (in it?s various forms),
and methamphetamine, are both notorious for causing the symptoms you
describe.  Also, there are prescription drugs that could be the cause.
 Lack of exercise could be a contributor, but would not cause the
severity you described.

Even though there is not simple "take a pill" cure, Cialis is
purported to be very good at delaying ejaculation.  Viagra works with
some men but not others.  Any urologist will give him free samples, IF
you can get him to go in.  I would not buy either drug online because
of the possibility of getting a fake drug, in which case it would
fail. That would be a tragedy if the real drug WOULD HAVE worked, but
in the case of getting fake pills, you would never know.

Please remember there is a long distance between taking a pill such as
Viagra or Cialis, and being sexually healthy, not even considering
bringing YOU into his picture with all your hopes, desires, and
expectations, sexually and otherwise.  But it IS a good start.

Q) (Not really a question) ....and not having him communicate with me
about it leaves me confused and questioning his honesty and interest
in me.

A) He's interested.  He's being honest.  He wants you to accept him
the way he is.  He has accepted it, and it hurts him when you seem
disappointed, and he hopes you'll give up hoping for more.  That would
be his ideal situation.  at least you can be assured he would be
faithful.  Finding a woman to accept that condition is like winning
the lottery.  If you told that his firmness was wonderful, and had
orgasms before he did, or otherwise stated that you didn't care about
those issues, and STOPPED TALKING about it, and really moved on to
experience all the other aspects of the relationship, I bet he'd marry
you within 6 months.


I see extreme significance in your comment that you think he has "had
this problem for years."  He is comfortable the way he is. He will
inwardly be threatened by your desire for him to "fix" something that
he does not have a problem with.


This Answer is too serious? The Christmas Season upon us, I went
virtual shopping for you at Froogle.

Being an expert in areas such as living with a sexually constipated
male, coping with same, and managing to stay sane...

I present to you (and other readers) the best coping items on the
market.  Please keep in mind your man may be relieved at your adding
these toys to your nightstand. You may choose to use them together, or
alone:

Wahl Massager Kit with Heat
http://www.nitetimetoys.com/massagers/detail/wahl-heated-kit.php
Batteries were never meant to be used with "personal massagers." Who
would use batteries with electricity so close-by?  Look at the price!
Also, it is virtually silent. The red heat attachment is wonderful for
a sore back. As to what to do with the bottom-right attachment, I'll
leave to your imagination. The first one I owned lasted 12 blissful
years. Indeed, I named him "Mr. Right."

Crystal Wand 
http://www.tantra.com/catalog/50-025
The crystal wand cannot be properly described, it needs to be
experienced.  It comes with an instruction guide to get you started. I
HIGHLY recommend this product.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES OF USERS OF THE CRYSTAL WAND 
http://www.doctorg.com/c-test.htm
Read these.  Also, I can't post the next link because there is a
graphic picture, but click on SHOP and then on the picture of the
crystal wand for more information. I own the regular crystal wand, I
had no idea there is now a Deluxe Model. Hmmmm....

Don't miss this page:

Articles and Materials About the G-Spot, Orgasm, & Female Ejaculation
http://www.doctorg.com/FemaleEjaculation.htm


I used the dry years, as I call them, for self-exploration and
discovery. I recommend the journey to all women.

You may want to discover many other products and ideas here:

Clitical
http://www.clitical.com/  

The Sex Project
http://www.sex-project.com/female-masturbation.shtml


In closing mariamvh, communicate with him, do more gentle probing. 
Suggest the Urology Forum, maybe the Doctor there knows of an online
store where it is safe to but Cialis or Viagra.  Buy the toys I
suggested, see what kind of reception you get when you suggest to him
adding them to your sex play.  And based on all these reactions,
decide how deep you want to go with him in dealing with this.  And
remember, I have been separated for over 2  years and I am still
affected by my involvement.  It?s the ongoing frustration and
exasperation resulting from his refusal to take responsibility for his
sexual health that is the worst.

Good luck to you.  Keep us posted here, okay?

~~Cynthia


Search Terms used at Google and Froogle to locate these items:
?Erectile Dysfunction?
?Premature Ejaculation?
Urology Forum
Wahl massager
"crystal wand" "G Spot" Doctor

Clarification of Answer by cynthia-ga on 28 Dec 2004 11:42 PST
mariamvh,

Thanks SO MUCH for the 5 star rating, the kind words, and the Generous tip!!!!

Clarification of Answer by cynthia-ga on 03 Dec 2005 14:24 PST
Mariamvh,

Please see comment left today by "allanc-ga" at this thread:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=458440
mariamvh-ga rated this answer:5 out of 5 stars and gave an additional tip of: $10.00
Cynthia is an incredible google answers expert. She makes this service
a very valuable addition to anyone's life

Comments  
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: probonopublico-ga on 04 Dec 2004 21:57 PST
 
My guess is that it is unlikely that he is sleeping with other women,
so please put your mind at rest.

My further guess is that he has a medical problem that requires a
visit to the doctor.

This situation calls for further care and understanding from you until
he decides that he has the time and the need to see his doctor.

Many people are reluctant to go to doctors; others are never away.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 05 Dec 2004 00:23 PST
 
Thank you.  This helps a lot. He never really made a move to take turn
our budding realtionship into a sexual relationship. It happened
because he was comforting me about a family issue.

But I was confused (never having dealt with this before in a man)
because he is attractive, successful, and likes to give the impression
that he is great with women...which could be a cover for his issues.
My gut tells me that he didn't plan on acting on the
chemistry/attraction we have at first. His sexual moves also lead me
to believe he has had erection and performance problems for many
years.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: anonoboy-ga on 05 Dec 2004 15:45 PST
 
Assuming no medical contra-indication, he should try an ED pill, and
if one brand doesn't work, try another. I have a friend for whom
Viagra was useless, but Levitra did the trick.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 05 Dec 2004 16:28 PST
 
Hi mariamvh.....

Please refer to my question, almost similar to yours, that I posted in August:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=382697

We are still dating, however, as he has steadfastly refused to discuss
the situation or seek medical help, the relationship has been steadily
deteriorating. I feel like I'm dating my "brother" more and more. To
further complicate things, my deep feelings for him have prevented me
from ending the relationship completely.

All I can offer you is to please re-think the situation if he refuses
to acknowledge the problem. It won't go away on its own, believe I
know :(

I wish you good luck and all the very best,

Steph53
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: brainiak-ga on 08 Dec 2004 23:29 PST
 
How old is this gentleman? Is he taking any meds for a non-related condition?
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: begenxmaut-ga on 14 Dec 2004 12:40 PST
 
Your partner's problems just like what happen to me in the past, i'm
too glad to see her, and both of us are sexually attractive, but i'm
too glowing so i can't control may emotions. Finally i met doc, and he
gave me advices to take sport activity, avoid stress, and the key is
in the men's brain, because the brain is main controller. At the first
time i felt better, but still not got my patner satisfaction, so i
took med. drugs (vigrx oil) from the internet, 'cos i'm to shy to take
sex drugs in drugstore =D, to build my suggestions if i'm strong. And
now, we never found the sexual problem like that.
http://solid-erection.opportunity.com
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 15 Dec 2004 10:45 PST
 
Dear Steph53,

Thank you for the kind words and support.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 15 Dec 2004 10:47 PST
 
brainiak-ga,

He is in his early forties. He does not take any medication that I'm
aware of. He is very healthy.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 15 Dec 2004 18:54 PST
 
miriamvh....

Thank you for your reply. 
I can only be honest with myself, you and anyone else who may read this.

It is truly a heartbreaking situation. Each and every time I see my
man, I *quiver* with anticipation, just to be let down once again :(

I'm not sure how long you have been dating this man, and this is not
advice of any sort, but if the relationship is fairly new and  he
refuses to discuss the problem, please run as fast as you can. I would
not want any other woman in my shoes....*sob*

I fell in love with my man, and, in doing so, I have accepted a
"non-sexual relationship" most of the time,  when all I want to do is
be close with him physically. It is truly killing me. I keep hoping
that the "next" time will do it....

I'm hanging in for now but if you are not yet emotionally attached,
please heed my warning.

Wishing you all the best,

Steph53
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 16 Dec 2004 01:13 PST
 
mariamvh,

I feel for you. I've been there too. Since I'm a Google Answers
Researcher, I could Answer your question with a lot of information
about E.D.: Erectile Dysfunction, support groups, etc, ...but the best
advice I can give is this.

Decide whether you want to deal with this problem... His failure to
see a Doctor, and lack of desire to do so, the loss of intimacy that
only sexual intercourse provides, researching the problem and being
met with no response, ongoing frustration, all because someone won't
take responsibility for his sexual health.

If I sound a bit bitter, well, I guess I am. I wasted six years of my
life. In the end, I decided I couldn't fix it alone, I needed his
cooperation. It never came.

Your man is not seeing other women.  He wasn't having sex, at all.  He
has shut off that side of himself.  He can't deal with the stigma of
admitting the problem to a Doctor, asking for help, it's easier to
deny his sexuality.  The fact he is comfortable in that state says he
has accepted the condition.  If you can live a sexless marriage, go
for it, otherwise, I'd run like hell.

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 16 Dec 2004 10:39 PST
 
cynthia-ga,

Your answer is very helpful and sad. I do care for this man. He is
very passionate and we do have some sexual relations, but not long
enough for my enjoyment. Because I find him so attractive it works for
now, but I can't imagine that it will work for the longterm. I just
don't understand why (if it is not that he is sleeping around and thus
tired)he does not get some help. Maybe he has and it didn't go well.
This man is very successful and has a VERY strong ego. Why would he
show this side (no erection) of himself to me? Why would he not seek
help? Maybe he thinks this is okay. I don't know. I'm actually tired
from trying to figure it out. If he has given up on sexuality, he has
a funny way of showing it. He is very excited to see me and can't wait
to have sex...well almost. He did mention he might try an ED drug
recently. My concern is that there is a lot of dysfuntion in this
man's life and do I really need to bring that into my life. Your
answer is pretty clear.
Thank you.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 17 Dec 2004 02:53 PST
 
mariamvh,

He shows this side of himself to you because he doesn't see it as
somethting really unusual.  Not bar talk, a bit lacking maybe, but not
a showstopper.  When he is alone, he is able to bring himself to an
erection accompanied by an impending, then immediate orgasm. In his
solitary experiences, this is not a problem for him, but simple
relief.  When he's alone, he never thinks that he is not hard enough,
or that he ejaculated too fast.  His desire, and passion are not
affected, only his performance, AS EXPERIENCED BY ANOTHER PERSON, in
this case, you.

Also, --there is not simple "take a pill" cure.  Understand there is a
long distance between taking a pill such as Viagra or Cialis, and
being sexually healthy, not even considering bringing YOU into his
picture with all your hopes, desires, and expectations, sexually and
otherwise.

The years I gave up were from age 38 to 44. Right in the middle of my
prime. What a shame. Frankly, one of the only regrets in 47 years I
can think of. In hindsite, like a blind man, he catered to all my
other senses, probably subconsciously, in an effort to keep me and the
non-physical intimacy I provided.  He was virtually perfect in every
other way.  To this day he has done nothing about his problem, even
though he has two visible lumps at the top of his scrotum, I suspect
hernias. A visible medical problem, and he had every reason in the
world, for six years, not to take care of it.

FOr this reason I see extreme significance in your comment that you
think he has "had this problem for years."  He is comfortable the way
he is. He will inwardly be threatened by your desire for him to "fix"
something that he does not have a problem with.

I wish you well my friend. I hope you come back to this question and
comment every few weeks and give updates. I'll keep checking.

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 17 Dec 2004 06:57 PST
 
Cynthia...............

Thank you for sharing your experience. My heart goes out to you. 
You said:

"He is comfortable the way he is. He will inwardly be threatened by
your desire for him to "fix" something that he does not have a problem
with."

Your words really made me think about my situation. The longer I am
together with my man, I am sensing that he too is feeling threatened.
Sometimes, if I just reach over and touch him ( not in a sexual way ),
he actually *jumps*  and moves away. This is so painful for me. I once
asked him why he is *cringing* whenever I touched him but he denied
it. I think the reason that he doesn't hold hands or cuddle with me 
is that he is afraid that any physical contact between us may lead to
my wanting more....

And the same as you, in every other way, he is my *perfect* man. We
get along great, have never had any arguments and basically have
wonderful times together.
I just haven't got the strength to end the relationship. I keep hoping
and praying that the "next" time it will work out......

Steph53
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 17 Dec 2004 08:39 PST
 
steph53,

Thank you for your kind words. If I can cause a single woman to pause
and think than sharing my story is worth it.

Luckily, the Google Answers forum gives me a voice. Hopefully many
many women having this experience will come to the site and enter
"Erection Problems" into the search function here, and have this
question ncome up as the first result. If they read my words, it'd be
hard to go forward with eyes closed.

Your insight as to why your Man pulls away is IMHO, correct.  Hon,
it's not gonna change.  Accept it or move on.  You're killing yourself
with the "next time" routine...

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 18 Dec 2004 15:00 PST
 
Cynthia-

Your support and comments are fantastic. So full of tremendous insights. 
I wish I had this type of communication with him. You said in your last posting:

"He shows this side of himself to you because he doesn't see it as
somethting really unusual.  Not bar talk, a bit lacking maybe, but not
a showstopper.  When he is alone, he is able to bring himself to an
erection accompanied by an impending, then immediate orgasm. In his
solitary experiences, this is not a problem for him, but simple
relief.  When he's alone, he never thinks that he is not hard enough,
or that he ejaculated too fast.  His desire, and passion are not
affected, only his performance, AS EXPERIENCED BY ANOTHER PERSON, in
this case, you. " 

How can he not see his lack of erection and fast ejaculations as
unusual? This almost reads like this person is unconcerned that he is
not really capable of satisfying the woman he is with.  So in his
self-centered world, it does not matter? He does desire me and shows
that, but he is unconcerned that his performance is not very good? 
This is normal for him (assuming this has been part of his life for a
long time) and he has learned to live with it or without it in this
case?  I should just be lucky to be with him?  We do have intercourse
and it has been successful, just a bit too quick for my enjoyment and
he seems to be distracted and stressed about not coming too quickly
while he is inside of me.  I assumed he was able to get himself hard,
which is a puzzle too. Why with me, as excited as he is, does he not
make more of an effort to get an erection? I have become very good at
getting him hard and know what he likes, but that has lead me to worry
that I've made it even easier for him to not talk to me about this
issue or see a doctor. If he told me there was no "cure" and he had
already sought help, I'd decide if I could live with our sex life the
way it is--at least I can say that now. I don't see him as often as
I'd like and we've had no discussions about where we are going
relationship wise.   But not knowing anything about his sexual
health/history and not having him commuinicate with me about it leaves
me confused and questioning his honesty and interest in me.  Overall
this man appears to be a good communicator, but he isn't. I think he
hides his feelings and issues in his life.

Sorry for all the questions. I'm so desperate for answers and you are
so kind and know so much about this area (which I'm sorry that you
gained the knowledge through personal pain).

Thank you
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 18 Dec 2004 15:11 PST
 
Steph53,

How long have you been your guy dating now? Your honesty has made me
see the future for me and my guy. Even if we/you decide to accept this
type of realtionship (and should we?) their issues seem to unravel the
realtionship and keep it from moving to the next level. Does this
makes sense?
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 18 Dec 2004 15:23 PST
 
Steph53,

To clarify: I meant that our "perfect" men (in so many other areas)
because of their sexual problems, (even through they've chosen to
accept the problem and do nothing about it), seem to spill over in
other areas of the realtionship. Committment, communication.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: czh-ga on 18 Dec 2004 19:34 PST
 
Hello mariamvh-ga,

My heart goes out to you but I agree with the comments from
cynthia-ga. Give up on wanting him to change. If he doesn't think
there's a problem and doesn't want to please you, the situation will
not change.

You haven't said very much about your relationship as a whole, but the
little bit you've shared makes me wonder if your guy is
passive-aggressive. He seems to agree with you and indicates that he
wants to please you but refuses to take any remedial action. This kind
of person will eventually drive you crazy. He'll not take
responsibility for setting you up with innumerable expectations and
then letting you down. He will then tell you that you're unreasonable.
You will be caught in a house of mirrors eternally trying to fix the
problem while he slithers away. Another iteration of this personality
is the commitment-phobe.

I recently heard an author on the radio whose book title says it very
succinctly. If he's not doing what you're hoping for, "He's Just Not
That Into You". Let him go and find someone who will appreciate how
wonderful you are.

Here are a few links to help you explore these ideas. Acknowledge the
reality of your situation. He is who he is. If that's not good enough
-- leave. It's better to grieve your loss and disappointment now
before investing too much more of your life, love and energy in
someone who is not interested in changing.

I wish you well.

~ czh ~ 


Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You'
http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/excerpts/2004-09-08-hes-just_x.htm
IT'S SO SIMPLE 
Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at
the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud
voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it
be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd
like us to be."

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000943.htm
Passive-aggressive personality disorder
Definition    
Passive aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in
which a person seems to acquiesce to the desires and needs of others,
but actually passively resists them and becomes increasingly hostile
and angry.

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html

http://www.canoe.ca/LifewiseHeartLove00/0816_wise.html
Beware the commitment-phobe
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 19 Dec 2004 06:29 PST
 
mariamvh,

Let me attempt to answer your questions.

Q) How can he not see his lack of erection and fast ejaculations as
unusual? 

A) Look at it from this perspective.  He is a heterosexual man, he
sleeps with women, not men.  As women, we sometimes sleep with
different men.  We gain experience and eventually have enough
experience to compare one man to another, so in OUR experience --his
lack of erection and fast ejaculations are unusual.  To him, this only
happens when he shares his sexuality with a woman.  Remember, when he
is alone, it does not concern him.

Q) So in his self-centered world, it does not matter? 

A) he can't look at it as ALL THAT IMPORTANT, he NEEDS the denial to
be able to scrape together whatever male ego remains and appear normal
the rest of the time.  From your descriptions of him, he is happy and
successful in every other way.  Admitting the scope of the problem
would turn his life and psyche upside down.  He is maintaining, pure
and simple.

Q) He does desire me and shows that, but he is unconcerned that his
performance is not very good?

A) He knows women expect a firm erection and longer intercourse.  You
can tell by his comments.  If he was REALLY CONCERNED, he'd say he's
alaready made a doctor appointment and he's glad you came into his
life so he could quit procrastinating dealing with his situation. 
He's more concerned about how you are reacting than the problem
itself.  He is trying to minimize eit, hoping you will do the same. 
..."Join me in my DENIAL..."

Q) This is normal for him (assuming this has been part of his life for
a long time) and he has learned to live with it or without it in this
case?  I should just be lucky to be with him?

A) No. You're forgetting that when he's alone he does not experience
this as a problem.  It's only something to apologize about when having
sex with a woman. He knows you will probably decide to leave him,
...everyone else has.  You mentioned the first encounter was kinda
spontaneous, unplanned.  Think about that.  Most men are ALWAYS
looking to get laid by anything in a skirt.  He was not pursuing a
sexual encounter.  He is rejection shy.

Q) Why with me, as excited as he is, does he not make more of an
effort to get an erection?

A) He's doing the best he can.  This is where a Doctor comes in.  He
needs medical testing by a Board Certified Urologist that specializes
in E.D. (in every major city, usually covered by insurance), or at a
minimum, a Board Certified Urologist. He doesn't try harder because he
has never really bloomed sexually, he is repressed.

The physical things you have described and not normal.  I think he has
some sort of chemical imbalance related to the male hormones, and it
may be accompanied by a physical condition.  There is some reason why
it takes so long to become firm.  It's related to blood flow going
into,and out of the penis. His penis is not retaining enough blood
during the excitement phase. He cannot correct it without being
thoroughly examined by a Doctor and cooperating with ONGOING
appointments and treatment.

Q) (not really a question) ....and not having him commuinicate with me
about it leaves me confused and questioning his honesty and interest
in me.

A) He's interested.  He's being honest.  He wants you to accept him
the way he is.  He has accepted it, and it hurts him when you seem
disappointed, and he hopes you'll give up hoping for more.  That would
be his ideal situation.  at least you can be assured he would be
faithful.  fInding a woman to accept that condition is like winning
the lottery.  If you told that his firmness was wonderful, and had
orgasms before he did, or otherwise stated that you didn't care about
those issues, and STOPPED TALKING about it, and really moved on to
experience all the other aspects of the relationship, I bet he'd marry
you within 6 months.

I don't mind the questions, as long as you don't mind the answers...

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 19 Dec 2004 13:51 PST
 
Mariamvh....

Cynthia has posted a very insightful *answer*. If you agree, let her
know and she can post it as the official answer and get compensated
for her efforts.
Thanks Cynthia! You have given me "food for thought".

As for your question, my man and I have been dating since mid-June.
Another weekend with him has just passed by, and I am once again alone
to deal with all my racing thoughts, concerns and questions.

He is complacent with our ( lack of ) normal sex life :(

Steph53
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 19 Dec 2004 15:15 PST
 
Cynthia,

You have more than answered my question. thank your for all the "answers."
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 19 Dec 2004 21:02 PST
 
I feel I have more information to decide if I want to take this
relationship to the next level or end it. I've been married before and
would like to be married again at some point, but I don't think I can
marry a man with this issue. I thank all the comments from everyone.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: pinkfreud-ga on 19 Dec 2004 21:07 PST
 
Mariam,

If you are as impressed by Cynthia's posts as I am, you might want to
consider asking Cynthia to post an official Answer to your question.
Otherwise she will receive no compensation for her thoughtfulness and
hard work.

~pinkfreud, Google Answers Researcher
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 19 Dec 2004 21:55 PST
 
Cynthia,

PLEASE post one of your comments as an official answer. The last two
were fantastic. I'm new to google answers and wasn't sure how to turn
a comment into an answer. I hope to continue to hear from you again.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 19 Dec 2004 22:22 PST
 
mariamvh,

I can't discern by your comment if you want me to post in the official
Answer Box and receive payment, or not, so I will wait until you make
it very clear.

However, 

The Christmas Season upon us, I went virtual shopping for you at Froogle. 

Being an expert in areas such as living with a sexually constipated
male, coping with same, and managing to stay sane...

I present the best coping items on the market.  Please keep in mind. 
Your man may be relieved at your adding these toys to your nightstand.
 You may choose to use them together, or alone:

Wahl Massager Kit with Heat
http://www.nitetimetoys.com/massagers/detail/wahl-heated-kit.php
Batteries were never meant to be used with "personal massagers." Who
would use batteries with electricity so close-by? Look at the price!
The red heat attachment is wonderful for a sore back. It is virtually
silent. As to what to do with the bottom-right attachment, I'll leave
to your imagination. The first one I owned lasted 12 blissful years.
Indeed, I named him "Mr. Right."

Crystal Wand 
http://www.tantra.com/catalog/50-025
The crystal wand cannot be properly described, it needs to be
experienced.  It comes with an instruction guide to get you started. I
HIGHLY recommend this product.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCES OF USERS OF THE CRYSTAL WAND 
http://www.doctorg.com/c-test.htm
Read these.  Also, I can't post the next link because there is a
graphic picture, but click on SHOP and then on the picture of the
crystal wand for more information. I own the regular crystal wand, I
had no idea there is now a Deluxe Model. Hmmmm....

Don't miss this page:

Articles and Materials About the G-Spot, Orgasm, & Female Ejaculation
http://www.doctorg.com/FemaleEjaculation.htm


I used the dry years, as I call them, for self exploration and
discovery. I recommend the journey to all women.

You may want to discover many other products and ideas here:

Clitical
http://www.clitical.com/  

The Sex Project
http://www.sex-project.com/female-masturbation.shtml


Happy Holidays!!

~~Cynthia


Search Terms used at Google and Froogle to locate these items:
Wahl massager
"crystal wand" "G Spot" Doctor
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 20 Dec 2004 00:15 PST
 
Cynthia,
YES, please post in the Answer Box to receive payment. You deserve ten
times that price. The virtual shopping list is fantastic. I haven't
tired sex toys yet with him, but this gives me some great suggestions.
You're a great expert.

I'm still confused about what or if I should do anything (I haven't
discussed my concerns, frustrations with him), but your comments have
made me understand him much better.

Thank you very much,
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: mariamvh-ga on 20 Dec 2004 00:19 PST
 
Cythina,

I hope you are in a relationship that is making up for the dry
years...and splurge and buy that deluxe model for yourself this
holiday.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 20 Dec 2004 00:44 PST
 
mariamvh,

Thanks for accepting my guidance as your official Answer. I have to
make an Excel Spreadsheet for my "day job" in the next few hours, and
I will post an official Answer for you when I am done with that.

I will recap the major points in my comments, and try to add a bit
more information for you.  Look for it tomorrow afternoon.

I will also explain to NEW READERS that to fully understand the
Answer, they need to read all comments.

Please, let's go ahead and continue this discussion. This is such an
important topic for those of us experiencing the dilema.

~~Cynthia

PS.  I love foreplay, so I think I will torture myself, then
eventually order the Deluxe Model by my birthday, January 29th.

hehehe...

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 21 Dec 2004 16:52 PST
 
What happened???

This question was locked for over 24 hours. 
Cynthia...are you okay?
I thought you were going to answer it today and have been waiting patiently...

Steph53 :(
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 22 Dec 2004 06:59 PST
 
I'm fine Steph...  I have been refreshing the lock until I can devote
some time to crafting an answer out of all my comments.  I'm done with
the spreadsheet I had to do --but I have 2 last minute Christmas
presents to buy today, then I will do it.

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 23 Dec 2004 06:34 PST
 
Thanks for the links, Cynthia,

I joined the ED Yahoo group and this message was very close to what I feel :

If you remain in the same place, and he just sits there, refusing to "row,"
*BAIL OUT NOW*!!!  This, I cannot stress enough.  You will have nothing but
heartache if you stay and listen to "promises" to start rowing, you may even be
cajoled into rowing a bit longer, 'cause  he's got to think about what to do,
etc. and so forth.  DO NOT fall for this.  I come to you with 15+ years' of
experience at this type of tactic and believe me, it doesn't work.  You will be
miserable and he will still be in the same condition because he wants to DO
NOTHING! 
IOW, don't waste your life on nothing.  It won't improve--I *know*
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 24 Dec 2004 05:50 PST
 
steph53,

One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while
continuing to expect different results each time.

So, what are you going to do?

~~C
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: steph53-ga on 28 Dec 2004 11:58 PST
 
Cynthia....

For now I am planning to stay by him. He has told me he is going to
get help and that he will work on improving things.

What else can I say ? I love the man so very much...

I'll keep you posted if you like...

Steph53
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: cynthia-ga on 28 Dec 2004 21:48 PST
 
steph,

Yes, I would like that.  Actually, I would like to hear, just once, of
a man that followed through, sought help, sstuck with it, and
improved....

I wish you the best, and mariamvh too...

~~Cynthia
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: allanc-ga on 04 Dec 2005 02:07 PST
 
I posted this on another thread on a similar issue. Cynthia suggested
I post it here as well. Hope it helps. It is the type of thing that
might not occur to a woman, or to most men for that matter. And good
luck --

------------------------------------------

Cynthia, Steph, ...this is going to sound weird after all this time
but I think this might be of help.

I stumbled on a solution that might very well work for you, as
counterintuitive as you might think it is at first.

ED burdened me for 15 to 20 years. I lost my second wife, a woman I
loved, because of it.

What I stumbled on was this ? I found a FEMALE urologist. She, the
fact that she was a female, made all the difference in the world.  The
reason I kept putting off seeing a doctor was because I knew or
thought I knew that all urologists were male. And I knew in my heart
that no matter how polite and helpful they would be on the surface,
underneath they would be laughing at me. I knew that because I was
deriding myself, castigating myself, for not being able to have an
erection at the right time for the right length of time. My
self-loathing was so intense I doubt that a woman can really
understand it.

But that?s also part of the solution. Women first of all are nurturers
by nature (that is why they make good doctors). And I knew that a
woman could not really understand how much I loathed myself for having
a limp penis when it should have been hard. No matter how empathetic,
not matter how experienced. So a woman would not and in fact could not
criticize me as deeply as I knew any man would (no matter how much he
pretended otherwise). I know that sounds weird, but take it from me it
was true.

The other reason, probably more important, is that I had already
discussed and experienced my problem with a woman (in fact several,
since I had had girlfriends before my wife). Women are amazingly
sympathetic to this problem. I don?t think any of them were anything
but sad for me, for us. Occasionally quite frustrated but never really
condemnatory. All of them knew I would love to have a hard, impressive
erection and screw them silly. So it was not difficult to discuss the
matter with a woman, in detail. And the trail in my case led to an
endocrinologist, an ultrasound tech, a psychologist and back to the
urologist  -- and ALL of them were women. I made sure of that. It even
became a bit of fun having women poke and examine me?sort of nice
being ?felt up? where I didn?t have to respond, in fact shouldn?t
respond.

So what I suggest is this ? female urologists exist. Not common, but
they exist.  Find him one. That is the place to start. And try to make
sure he sees only female doctors, NPs, technicians, etc. They are
never going to be as judgmental as he fears. And they will be
genuinely sympathetic. And once he gets going with them, it will
actually be fun.

I know this sounds odd, but it worked for me and I bet it will for
your guy, too. And think not just of the great sex and relationship
solving this problem will bring you, think too of the great karma you
will be building in the process.
Subject: Re: Erection problems
From: garby-ga on 04 Dec 2005 15:10 PST
 
Try out sex only when he is fully rested, early morning hours.
Changing rhythms and positions may make him last longer.

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