I have an interesting situation. My wife is a marriage counselor, and
we are both in our late 20's. Recently she discovered that I had
ordered some pornogrpahy on TV, amounting to roughly 2 movies a month
for the past several months. She has had a self-esteem problem for
many years (we had been going out for about 7 years and have been
married about 6 months) and now obviously it is exponentially worse.
She tells me that if I were to masturbate while thinking of someone in
my mind, it would be OK, but she has a problem because the porn stars
are 'live people'. At this point she wants me to CONSTANTLY reassure
her that she is desired and loved and all that. I'm not saying I
shouldn't be telling her those things, but I don't see how hammering
it home is going to improve her self-esteem- to be it seems like it
will make it worse by creating a dependency on me to validate her. To
me, this is not a big deal in that I don't go to strip clubs and have
never cheated on her or would consider doing so. I feel that
masturbation, even to porn, is not all that abnormal and that is
shouldn't be a big deal. It's not a big deal for me to quit doing it,
so I have done so, but in the meantime I've been frozen out on sex and
I'm not supposed to be masturbating according to her orders. Finally I
guess I'll get to my question- since she is a marriage counselor, she
tells me a lot of information that I can't really dispute- since she
is a marriage counselor. If I try and debate anything she brings up
the fact that she has been through all this schooling, etc. What I
would like is some valid articles on the link between marriage and
pornography, and articles on self-esteem in marriage. The articles
should contain some facts about use of pornography and masturbation in
relation to marriage, and the effects of one partner with low
self-esteem. She may be right, but I just want some fact based
articles to either back up or deny her assertions.

I believe I may be able to find some articles relating to this matter.
 How many are you wanting?

It sounds as if your wife feels shut out or excluded from your sexual
fantasies, and she may perceive this as something that creates
distance between the two of you. Have you considered finding some
erotic material that you and she can enjoy together?

I have to agree with Pink....

How would she feel about watching *soft* porn movies with you?
A lot of women find them stimulating and erotic.

Steph53

Surprise her.  Call her up when she's not feeling needy and
unreassured but really has a lot of other stuff to worry about, and
try to keep her on the line with telling her, sincerely, how important
she is to you, how much you desire her sexually and would like to put
her doubts about your mental fidelity to rest.

It probably won't resolve anything, but it might change the dynamics
of the relationship slightly.

regards, mathtalk-ga

You're being punished.

Having been married many many many ---- many years I can reduce this
to 3 words.  You screwed up.  And it will not matter how many articles
and facts you have - you lost and it's best to admit it quickly and
move on.

You want to tell your wife that it's okay to watch porn!!  You want to
debate her on the value of HER husband watching porn??  My friend, you
can debate all night long, you can have all the facts, you can bring
in all the experts and guess what.  You still lose.  Your wife will
not have sex with you!  Do you want sex?  Or do you want to win and
still not have sex?

I'd say, go buy some flowers and tell her how sorry you are for acting
like a high school jerk who watches porn...  tell her you will never
watch porn again etc....  Tell her she is the only one and you love
her... etc....

Wait a week and if you really mean it, she'll forgive you and you may get lucky.

hi baku,

I grew up in CA where therapists and counsellors are a dime a dozen,
and I was in the thick of it.  I think your wife is trying to befuddle
you with psychobabble; she's feeling insecure and righteous, a tricky
combination.  If you really love her and want to stay with her, and
preserve your own sense of self worth and aliveness, you need to get
on a different footing with her.  Which likely means getting on a
different footing with yourself . . .

I'd like to suggest two books:

the first is called Getting Real.  It's basic stuff;
self-esteem/communication 101 . . . very good.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0915811928/qid=1103263328/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/102-6224818-6977768

the second is called Passionate Marriage. (and other books by this author)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805058265/qid=1103263265/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/102-6224818-6977768

I suggest you read it in bed with her!  Don't even read it yourself
first; just tell her you want the passion back in your marriage and
you want it with HER.  If you really *get* this book, you may just let
go of the whole porn thing; or whether you want it or not, it could
become less of an issue . . .

but I don't know your wife, so . . .

or you for that matter!

(much depends on what made up the foundation of your relationship in
the first place, I think)

ts

Hello baku2000-ga,

It appears we have a bit of a moral dilemma here. Your wife, in her
role of marriage counselor, is probably quite objective in regards to
such matters as the effects of pornography on a marriage. However, in
the role as a wife, it is not as easy to be objective since her
personal feelings are involved. Basically, what it boils down to is
that in spite of any evidence or facts either of you use in support of
your personal feelings on the matter, it's still remains an issue of
personal preference. If your spouse has a problem with one of your
habits/behaviors, then it's up to you on whether or not you will take
her feelings into consideration before continuing with that behavior.
You don't have to agree with her, or even understand her reasoning for
feeling that way. The only thing that you should really be concerned
with is whether or not your behavior is having a negative impact on
her and the relationship, and if your commitment to her and the
relationship outweighs any desire to continue the behavior in
question.

I agree totally with chellphill, AND just4fun2. And I can't stop
giggling, that was way too funny.