My partner is an alcoholic. I am an increasingly insecure, frightened
person, who did not start out with especially good self-esteem. I did
start out with some armor to protect me; I'm very pretty, intelligent,
educated and capable. And I'm a nice person; or was. But my armor is
wearing down and I feel like I don't know what reality is, if I ever
did.
My partner continues to lie to me, about many things. There is
usually a reason, and he always blames me and my insecurity for his
lying. Yesterday he lied about he how met a client, whether she is
single, whether she was there when he was working at her house. There
is so little trust between us because of past and recent lies and
betrayals that involve other women, prostitutes, extreme behavior when
he's been drunk. He says he lied to me in this instance to make me
feel secure, that nothing inappropriate is going on. He knew I would be
threatened. He's right. I'm always threatened when an attractive
woman is involved, especially if he lies about the details, and often
even if he doesn't lie. It is a viscious cycle. I feel like an
insane person.
I would like one first step to take so I don't give up on life. I am
so depressed and I know I'm an intergral player in how this
relationship works. I know I'm just as disturbed as he is; maybe
more. I teach at a university, I show my art at galleries, I'm
learning real estate, I have great kids, the youngest of which is
still with me part time. But more and more I feel worthless and
disgusted with myself and that life is too hard to live. I would like
some help. |
Request for Question Clarification by
tutuzdad-ga
on
14 Feb 2006 10:03 PST
You sound like you desperately need some professional intervention. If
you can tell us what state and county you live in we can probably
research some potential counseling options for you (do NOT include
your name or actual address in your response).
Regards;
tutuzdad-ga
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Request for Question Clarification by
sublime1-ga
on
14 Feb 2006 13:12 PST
rubymarie...
Well it's a good thing I checked your history of questions
on GA. I was about to post this as an answer, and you didn't
specify here, as you did in a previous question, that you were
not interested in Alanon. So I'll post this as a Request for
Clarification, and perhaps you can provide a better idea of
what you do want, in addition to what you feel will not work
for you. In my response, I do point you to an organization
you don't seem to have ruled out, that being ACoA, or Adult
Children of Alcoholics.
Other researchers should peruse this previous question before
responding:
http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=571029
-----------------------------------------------------------
I worked in the field of mental health for 25+ years, so
most of what I have to say is from my experience.
From your description of yourself, it seems likely that
you may have grown up around someone who, if not an
alcoholic, displayed some of the same dysfunctional
attitudes and behaviors as an alcoholic in relationship
to you.
The essence of such a person is that they behave selfishly,
and their (perceived) needs come before anyone else's. For
an alcoholic, that means their need to get inebriated and
avoid their own pain. In the process, they become equally
desensitized to the pain of others, even as they exacerbate
it.
Growing up around such a person tends to establish a host
of characteristics within a child, which they carry into
adulthood. These include low self-esteem, poor self-image,
a tendency to put the perceived needs of others ahead of
their own actual needs, and a tendency to seek approval
in a relationship, no matter how painful the experience
might be. A name for this syndrome of characteristics is
codependency.
There are some long-established support groups which can
greatly assist you in addressing these and other issues.
One such group is Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACoA,
and they have both offline and online support to offer.
The principles they teach are all about creating healthy
boundaries and learning how not to let others (especially
relatives) push your buttons. I would heartily recommend
them to anyone with "issues" in general.
While they specialize in helping the adult children of
alcoholic parents in recovering self-esteem and learning
how to regain healthy boundaries and an ability to assert
themselves effectively, the meetings they host are not
usually restricted or limited to only those with alcoholic
parents or relatives, and anyone coming from a dysfunctional
family of any sort can benefit greatly from attending.
Here's their website:
http://www.adultchildren.org/
Here's their worldwide meeting list page:
http://allone.com/12/aca/
Here's another good resource site:
http://www.recovery.org/acoa/acoa.html
Here's a list of the characteristics of adult children, and
you can see that these characteristics are also likely to
occur with members of families which were dysfunctional, even
if alcohol was not at the root of the problem:
http://www.recovery.org/acoa/characteristics.html
One of the characteristics defines the dysfunction known as
codependency, which is sometimes referred to as "relationship
addiction":
"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment
and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not
to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received
from living with sick people who were never there emotionally
for us"
From the same page:
http://www.recovery.org/acoa/characteristics.html
Another such group is Alanon:
"For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger
members) has been offering hope and help to families and friends
of alcoholics. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the
lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a
family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an
alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have
been affected by someone else?s drinking can find solutions that
lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship."
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
Here's their sitemap:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/sitemap.html
As in approaching any therapeutic relationship, you should feel
free to "shop" within these organizations. Each meeting at a
specific location will have its own feel and approach, to some
degree, and you should feel free to check them out without
committing to a particular one unless you are comfortable, and
find yourself in a group of people who seem truly supportive.
If you then feel that you need a more individualized form of
personal therapy, you can easily solicit information from the
group members with whom you feel most comfortable, and seek
out a therapist (using the same "shopping" approach) that will
satisfy your need for individual counseling.
My very best wishes for your success...
sublime1-ga
|
Request for Question Clarification by
czh-ga
on
14 Feb 2006 14:55 PST
Hello rubymarie-ga,
As sublime1-ga noted, you asked an almost identical question in
September, 2005. In that question you said, "This has been going on
for 8 years." Your question was answered and aliciadenney-ga gave you
many suggestions on how to extricate yourself from your extremely
difficult situation.
Did you follow any of the suggestions she made? What happened? What
actions have you taken since then? It sounds like your alcoholic
partner has not changed at all and that you are feeling worse.
What kind of help are you asking for as an answer here? What have you
done so far to help yourself? There are many researchers who could
offer outstanding advice to you. How should we proceed?
I look forward to your clarification.
~ czh ~
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Clarification of Question by
rubymarie-ga
on
14 Feb 2006 20:00 PST
Tutuzdad-ga, I live in Portland, Oregon.
Just re-reading my two letters is shocking to me. I feel pathetic.
To clarify several questions, since September I found out about calls
to sex providers (which he says were just calls this time - prior to
this he has slept with prostitutes a number of times that I know
about), and I've experienced even increasing drunken nights. So, the
answer is, I've gotten deeper in instead of out. I have tried to cut
myself off from my partner. I don't live with him, at least not
technically. But I may as well as long as my son is not with me. As
soon as my son leaves, he "moves in" here, is helpful and kind for the
most part, then stays at his own house when my son returns so he can
drink at night. This is a terrible mixed blessing, because I agonize
over about what he does when he stays at his house and never know if
I'm hearing the truth or not. As my son gets older and wants to
spend more time with his dad, my partner is here more. He has moved
some things in.
What I probably need is the same kind of intervention as an alcoholic.
My need for this man on a physical and emotional level is so great, I
simply do not have the will-power to leave him. And the longer I
stay, the weaker I get as a person. Like a frog in warm water that
slowly gets turned onto boiling. By the time he realizes it, he's too
weak to get out.
Unfortunately, there is no intervention that will happen for me,
partly because I appear so capable and strong-willed to the rest of
the world. I am the only one who can help, and I can't bear to live
in my own head and heart during the process.
I have spoken with a counselor I saw when I could afford it, and
there's some possibility that I can get into regular therapy in a
group that trains therapists. We'll see. I hope so.
To sublime1-ga, your description is accurate, as you probably know.
Thank you for all the referrals. I have spent a lot of time in both
AA (to try dealing with this as an addiction issue) and in AlAnon.
No, I do not want to go back to those groups, although I met wonderful
people and respect the institutions. They are not right for me.
Steph-53, I did read the link you sent back in September. Thank you.
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